"Three's a Crowd, Six Is a Freak Show"

Episode #3.09
Original Airdate 12/14/2000
Written by Jhoni Marchinko
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee

Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Shelley Morrison (Rosario Salazar)

Ken Marino (Mark)
Paul Fitzgerald (Paul)
Bob Rumnock (Salesman)

SCENE I: Will's Apartment
(WILL and GRACE are having their morning coffee and reading the newspaper.)

WILL: Hey, how was your date last night?

GRACE: Don't wanna talk about it.

WILL: That bad?

GRACE: That good.

WILL: Uh-huh ha... I don't get that.

GRACE: I'm not jinxing it this time. Every time I have a good first date, the second one sucks, and there is no third. So, the only logical thing to do is not talk about it.

WILL: [IMITATING MR. SPOCK] Very logical, Mr. Spock. Date well and prosper. [NORMAL] You're crazy.

GRACE: Fine. Call me superstitious. Let's talk about your date.

WILL: What? And jinx it? No thank you.

GRACE: We can mention their names, right?

WILL: Absolutely not.

GRACE: Mark.

WILL: Paul-- but that's it.

GRACE: fine. Give any more details... We're doomed.

WILL: Mm-hmm.

GRACE: But if you guessed--

WILL: But how could I possibly?

GRACE: Minty.

WILL: Fresh breath?

GRACE: Ding.

WILL: Huge.

GRACE: You said "first date"?

WILL: Right.

GRACE: Vocabulary.

WILL: Ding!

GRACE: Broad...

WILL: Way?

GRACE: No, not Broadway, you homo. Broad shoulders.

WILL: Oh. Met mine at that party with Jack last week. Ditto on the shoulders, and my larynx didn't shut down from his cologne, which is all I care about.

GRACE: So we didn't jinx anything, right?

WILL: Course not.


GRACE: Oh, boy. Ok, gotta hurry. I've got a dermatology appointment.

WILL: What? Are you gonna get a little botox, a little collagen?

GRACE: No. Just going for my regular mole patrol. Why? Do you think I need that?


JACK: [ENTERING] Morning, biscuits. No time for host chat. I got a hot date tonight. [GROWLING] Ar-r-r-rr! Told him I was an ombudsman. I only have 12 hours to figure out what the hell that is. Grace, I came by to return your electric toothbrush.

GRACE: You used my toothbrush?

JACK: Relax. I didn't use it on my teeth.


SCENE II: Classic Toys toy store
(KAREN is shopping for a birthday gift for her stepson Mason with the help of a SALESMAN.)

SALESMAN: This video game makes a nice birthday gift. Do you think your stepson would like that?

KAREN: I don't know, honey. Can he eat it or rub up against it?

SALESMAN: Let's come at this a different way. What are his interests?


SALESMAN: Why don't I just let you browse awhile?

KAREN: Yeah. Thanks. Ooh, and, uh, do you think there's anything you could do about all these kids in here?

SALESMAN: Ma'am, it's a toy store.

KAREN: Yeah. [GIVES THE SALESMAN A TIP] See what you can do. [TO A KID] Move it, shorty.


GRACE: Hi, Karen. Um... I can't help you shop today. I've gotta go.

KAREN: What's going on? What's happening? What's with the geisha hand?

GRACE: Nothing. I just had something zapped at the dermatologist's, and it looks kinda funky, and I just don't want anyone to see it right now.

KAREN: Grace, I'm sure it's not nearly as bad as you think it is. It's probably nothing, a little dot. Come on. Show mama.


KAREN: Aah! Whoa! Oh! Oh, my God! Oh!

GRACE: Shh! Shhhhh! Karen, Will you calm down?

KAREN: How do you expect me to calm down when I can see its heart beating right in front of me?! Aah!


KAREN: Well, uh, alright. Alright, I'm sorry. So how long have you had the herpes?

GRACE: It's not herpes. It's not even herpes adjacent.

KAREN: Oh, yeah? Well, it's close enough to be invited to the herpes family picnic.

GRACE: It was a weird freckle, and the doctor wanted to freeze it, and then he told me that it was going to take 10 days to heal. I mean, what made him assume that I could look awful for 10 days? Respond to that, and I will rub it all over your Prada.

KAREN: [TO A WOMAN PASSING BY] What are you lookin' at, prego? Haven't you ever seen herpes before? Jeez. Fat people are so insensitive.

GRACE: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Would you look at it in this little toy mirror? It's gotten...bigger. It's like Barbie's dream zit. Thank God I canceled my date with Mark.

KAREN: Yeah, 'cause that thing looks like it needs orange cones and police tape around it.

GRACE: Come on. Let's get outta here-- [GASPS] And there's Mark! I can't believe it! [UP TOWARDS THE SKY] One cheeseburger at Yom Kippur! You'd think you could let it go already.

KAREN: Hey, he's lookin' at baseball gloves. What do you know, Grace? You bagged a straight one.

GRACE: [GASPS] Karen-- Karen, just don't move. Just don't move.


KAREN: Grace, I told you, I only did this once in college, and it was just so I could borrow her Halston skirt.


SCENE III: Will's Apartment Building
(WILL gets out of the elevator; PAUL is waiting for the elevator.)

WILL: Paul? Hi.

PAUL: Will, hi. What are you doing here?

WILL: I live here. What do you mean, what am I-- Aren't you here to see--

PAUL: No, I was here to see--





PAUL: [CHUCKLES] Look, uh, this is kinda awkward, but, uh, at that party I asked for both of your phone numbers. I hope that's not a problem, because it's not a problem for me.



PAUL: Ok, Will, I'll see you Monday at the Plaza, and, Jack, I'll see you Tuesday at Shakey's.

JACK: All-you-can-eat.


JACK: Don't shake your head at me! I called dibs on him at that party!

WILL: Jack, how am I supposed to keep track? You call dibs on every guy you see. Last week you called dibs on Kevin Bacon.

JACK: Le Bacon and I had a moment.

WILL: Some say "moment." Some say "security incident."

JACK: Anyway, Paul is into me.

WILL: Oh, please! He is so much more into me. We had an 8-hour date, which I know is hard for you to understand, seeing as you have 8 dates an hour.

JACK: Yeah? Well, date shmate. We have a song.

WILL: What song?

JACK: You wouldn't know it.

WILL: Sing it.

JACK: [SINGING] Hee bop dee-bop bop, I love you. Paul loves me, and not you.

WILL: Catchy little ditty. Who does that song, the lady who pushes her shopping cart around the airport?

JACK: Actually, it's a new band called "Will is Fat." It's from their new album, Will's Losing His Hair. Do you...? I have it in my...

WILL: Jack... Do you think when you insult me that you could try to be a little more artful, hmm? You bucktoothed fairy?

JACK: [HIGH-PITCHED SCREECHING] You know what?! I don't need that from you!

WILL: Now, Jack, Jack, Jack. Let's not do this, ok? I mean, we're both adults.

JACK: You're the adult.

WILL: Look, for the sake of our friendship, can we both just back off and not see Paul again?

JACK: [DRAMATIC] But I love him.

WILL: You do not.

JACK: Maybe I'm just in love with love.

WILL: Maybe you're just an idiot.

JACK: Maybe...

WILL: Can we agree we're not gonna see him again?

JACK: Oh, all right. But this is not gonna be easy for me, Will. I mean, Paul is my world. I can't stop thinking about him.

WILL: Have you seen the latest Men's Health? [WILL HANDS THE MAGAZINE TO JACK]

JACK: [TO THE MAGAZINE] Hello, Mrs. McFarland.


SCENE III: Classic Toy Store
(KAREN is looking around the store for GRACE.)

KAREN: Grace? Grace, where are you?

GRACE: [VOICE] Is he gone?



GRACE: Is he gone?

KAREN: Oh, honey, no! Children have been in there. You're in a pit full of pinkeye.

GRACE: This is ridiculous. I mean, what's the worst thing that can happen? He breaks up with me. Well, if he's that superficial, then don't want to be with him anyway, right?

KAREN: Oh... [KAREN POPS TWO BALLS OUT OF GRACE'S SHIRT] Well, I'm gonna go. He's right over there. I'm just gonna get the kid the same thing I got him last year: a diamond tennis bracelet. [KAREN SHOWS GRACE HER BRACELET.] It's pretty, isn't it?


GRACE: Mark? Hey.

MARK: Hey, Grace. Uh, I was just picking up a Nerf hoop for my nephew, and by nephew, I mean me.

GRACE: Ha ha ha!

MARK: I thought you were out of town.

GRACE: I lied to you. I'm not taking a dozen underprivileged kids on a canoe trip. I canceled because I was afraid to see you because I had this freckle frozen and it looks awful and I was afraid that if you saw it, you wouldn't like me anymore.

MARK: Well, that would make me pretty shallow, wouldn't it? Grace, I had a great time with you. I really like you.

GRACE: Really? 'Cause I really like you.

MARK: Yeah, and besides, we all have little things on our bodies, right?

GRACE: Right. I mean, you probably have... What? A patch of dry skin somewhere... A rogue belly hair...

MARK: I have six toes.


GRACE: Beg your pardon?


SCENE IV: Grace Adler Designs
(WILL and GRACE are having lunch at GRACE's office.)

WILL: You're breaking up with Mark already? What are you talking about? Few days ago, you were gaga over him.

GRACE: You know how it is. Sometimes you get bowled over by somebody--- Don't say "gaga"-- And then you get to know them, and you realize that maybe you don't like them so much.

KAREN: [ENTERING] Hey, Wilma. Grace tell you she's dating a circus freak?

WILL: What?!

GRACE: Karen.

KAREN: Yeah. He's got six toes. [HUMS CIRCUS MUSIC]

WILL: What are-- What--what-- Well, wait. Wait! What do you mean, like, total? Like three and three?

KAREN: No. Five on one, half a dozen on the other.

WILL: Ha ha ha!

KAREN: Ha ha ha!

GRACE: Ok. Hey, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay! Cut it out.

KAREN: That's what he should do. Ah!

WILL: Ha ha ha!

KAREN: Ha ha ha!

GRACE: I'm sorry. I can't--I can't help it. I'm totally creeped out by it in the same way that I'm creeped out by anything that ends in mini-teeth or mini-hair.

WILL: Here comes the tumor thing.

GRACE: On the Discovery Channel, they found a tumor in this guy, and it had mini-teeth and mini-hair. And when they poked it, the tumor went "Ow."

WILL: It did not say, "Ow."

GRACE: Well, if it'd had mini-lips, it would've. It moved. That thing had emotions. It had emotions, Will, and this toe thing is in that same category.

WILL: Aren't you being a little shallow? I mean, you like this guy. Look, when you first got that barnacle on your face, you wanted Mark to accept you, right? Now shouldn't you do the same thing now that the shoe's on the other... hideously deformed foot? I'm serious. You should go out with him again.

GRACE: He is sweet.

WILL: Anyway, it could be worse. You could be going out with the same guy as Jack.

GRACE: Paul? With the huge... Vocabulary?

WILL: Yeah. But it's over already. We both decided to back off. Which is very frustrating because he's called me, like, 10 times.

GRACE: Well, then what are you doing?

WILL: Backing off.


WILL: Because I owe it to Jack to--

GRACE: All you owe Jack is the truth he's your friend. He wants you to be happy. He'll totally understand.


JACK: [SCREECHING] You know what? You're a piece of work, mister!

WILL: Jack, I didn't wanna lie to you.

JACK: [SCREECHING] What? I wouldn't have done the same thing to you! I mean time and time again--

WILL: Jack, Jack! Jack, Jack, please. Please. I know you're angry, but I beg of you. Take it out of the head voice. You're waking up every dog in the neighborhood.

JACK: How could you betray me like this? We had a deal, and you stabbed me in the back. [GASP] Judas. You're Judas. This is exactly what he did!

WILL: Mmm... Don't know that the big problem there was a gay love triangle.

JACK: I can't believe you called him after we agreed to back off.

WILL: Actually, Jack, he-- He called me.

JACK: [SCREECHING] I don't believe you!

WILL: Eh, Jack! Think of the dogs.

JACK: You know what? You're a real piece of work, mister. I can only imagine what kind of tricks you had to pull out of your man purse to convince Paul to date you. What? What? What? What did you tell him, you were a lawyer?

WILL: I am a lawyer.

JACK: Hey! I'm not attracted to you, so that line's not gonna work on me. You so don't care about my feelings, ever.

WILL: Jack, he called. He said he rather go out with me. I said, "Yes." I'm sorry.

JACK: You know, it just doesn't make any sense, Will. It's none-sense. Why would he settle for a big bland piece of government cheese when he could take a bite out of a tasty smoked gouda with a trick jaw?

WILL: Maybe because I read novels rather than Tiger Beat... Maybe because I can finish a sentence without the use of jazz hands... Maybe because my frame of reference extends beyond boy bands and butt-robics, or maybe, just perhaps, it's because he sees a good long-term prospect with me rather than a good hour and a half with you.




SCENE V: Will's Apartment
(GRACE and MARK are relaxing after a date.)

GRACE: So what would you like to drink?

MARK: Well, what have you got?

GRACE: Everything.

MARK: Surprise me.

GRACE: My dad's the Pope. Surprised? [THINKING TO HERSELF/VOICE OVER] Ok, I'm charming. I finally got to use that Pope joke. This is going well. I'm not so shallow.

MARK: Ooh, Grace, would it be ok if I caught the last few minutes of the Knicks/Celtics game?

GRACE: Are you kidding? I love basketball. I read all of Dennis Rodman's books. What are you doing?

MARK: Do you mind if I take off my shoes? The right one always gets a little tight.

GRACE: Not at all. Make yourself comfortable. [THINKING] and there's the toe. There's now just a thin layer of argyle between it and me.

MARK: Ow! Ow! Ow, my foot is cramping.

GRACE: [JUMPING UP] Well, if you have to go home, I understand.

MARK: Actually, I was wondering if you could just... Rub it?

GRACE: [THINKING] Rub your tumor? [TO MARK] Sure.


MARK: [TO THE TV] What?! That is not a 3-pointer. His toe is clearly over the line.

GRACE: [THINKING] One toe over the line, sweet Jesus.


SCENE VI: A Restaurant
(WILL is on a date with PAUL.)

PAUL: So for the whole flight, this annoying guy has been like, "When are we gonna get the muffins, huh? Where's my muffin?" So the stewardess finally brings the muffins, and the guy is so excited, he starts doing the Snoopy dance. So he gets up to wash his hands, and I don't know what made me do it, but, um, I stole his muffin. Ha ha ha!

WILL: Ha ha ha!

PAUL: I thought his-- I thought his head was gonna explode. "My muffin!"

WILL: Great story. I can't see you anymore.


SCENE VII: Will's Apartment
(GRACE and MARK are still on the couch watching TV.)

MARK: Ow! Ow! Ow! My cramp's still there. I'm gonna take my sock off.

GRACE: [THINKING] Ok, brace yourself. Here it comes. Just stay calm. You like this guy. You're not shallow. A little thing like this doesn't matter. It's just an extra toe. [INTERNALLY] Aaaaah!

MARK: What you thinkin'?

GRACE: That we need more drinks. Excuse me.

GRACE: [THINKING] Ok, you did it. You saw it. You lived through it. Everything's fine. Oh... Then why do I feel so cold and clammy? Oh, I-- The fridge is still open.


GRACE: [THINKING] See? It's sitting there in your lap, and you're fine. You're not superficial. You're not a hypocrite. Good for you, Grace. Good for you.

MARK: [TO THE TV] Yes! Ye-es! The Celts win.

GRACE: What? You're a Celtics fan?

MARK: Huge.

GRACE: Get out.

MARK: What?

GRACE: Look, I can put up with a lot of things from people, but not that!

MARK: What? Grace, are you kidding me?

GRACE: I will not have a 6-toed Celtics fan in my house!

MARK: A what?

GRACE: You heard me! I will not have a Celtics fan in my house! Please leave!

MARK: Oh, Grace, this isn't about the basketball game. We know what this is about. How shallow can you be?

GRACE: Ok, fine. I'm shallow. But if you knew how much I liked you, you would know how much it is killing me to throw you out of here just because you have a toe where no toe should ever be. How about a little sympathy for me?

MARK: Are you kidding me? You want me to feel sorry for you?

GRACE: No. I want you to put your sock back on.

MARK: Ok, fine. [MARK PICKS UP SOMETHING OFF THE FLOOR] Oh, and, by the way, here's your freckle. I almost tripped over it on my way to the elevator. Good night.

GRACE: Oh, yay. I can wear lipstick again.


SCENE VIII: Will's Apartment Building
(WILL knocks on JACK's door. JACK opens the door.)

WILL: I've been calling you for two hours. Why didn't you pick up?

JACK: Um, look--

WILL: I know. I know. You're still mad at me. You'll be happy to know that Paul and I are no longer seeing each other.

JACK: Wow.

WILL: I mean, the thing is, you know, I'm on this date, and he's funny, and he's charming, and I'm miserable because I can't stand that I hurt you. So you see, I do care about how you feel.

JACK: That's sweet. Thank you. You know, I'm sorry we fought, too, and, hey, let's make a deal never to fight over a guy again.

WILL: Deal.


WILL: Alright. Good night.

JACK: Good night. Oh, hey, uh, Will... Uh, you know... I--I was bad, too... And, um... Oh, boy, this is really hard for me to say. I'll just... I borrowed your stockpot--


JACK: Nobody, Paul-- [TO WILL] And I think I broke it.

WILL: Is that Paul in there?!

JACK: Yeah.


JACK: One sec, sugar! [TO WILL] Anyway... I mean, you're probably better off without it. You only used it to make cream-based soups, right? Night. [JACK SHUTS THE DOOR.]

WILL: [SCREECHING] You know what? You're a piece of work, mister!



SCENE IX: Will's Apartment
(WILL and GRACE are watching TV.)

GRACE: You know why this happened, don't you? We jinxed it.

WILL: You're right. We can never again talk about guys we like.

GRACE: Never. [SIGH]


GRACE: I saw a cute guy takin' out the trash.

WILL: There were some hotties at the restaurant.

GRACE: But we're not talking about it.

WILL: No, we're not.