"Husbands and Trophy Wives"

Episode #3.03
Original Airdate 10/19/2000
Written by Kari Lizer
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee

Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Shelley Morrison (Rosario Salazar)

Gregory Hines (Ben Doucette)
Jerry Levine (Joe)
Tim Bagley (Larry)
Richard Livingston (Bartender)
Christopher Randolph (Man)
Yvans Jourdain (Jon)

SCENE I: Will's Apartment
(WILL and GRACE are eating Chinese food while watching TV.)

GRACE: Oh! You see, she's not listening to her caddy. He told her the green was fast. I wish I had a caddy. Somebody who'd tell me about the hazards up ahead and carry my stuff.

WILL: I think I'm your caddy.

GRACE: Oh, yeah! Now go get me a Fruitopia and my 9 iron. No, I'm serious.

I'm thirsty, move your ass.

WILL: Hey, hey! Don't get catty with the caddy.

JACK: [ENTERING] Big news! Joe and Larry have invited us to the South Hamptons for a man-tan reunion.

WILL: Joe and Larry? You're kidding.

JACK: No, it's gonna be wild! Oh, my God! You remember their last party?

WILL: Yeah. I got so drunk, all I remember is-- making out with some guy in the hot tub.

JACK: Oh, my God, so did I!


WILL: I don't really remember that.

JACK: I don't. Anyways, I'm so excited! Gosh, it's been so many years. I hope I can pull off a thong.

GRACE: Isn't the point of these weekends to pull off someone else's?

JACK: No, Grace, you can't come. I'm sorry, loving you to Della Reese's pieces, but...gay guys only. [SOTTO, TO WILL] Remind me to invite Karen.

GRACE: That's fine. As much as I would love a couple of days of lube and Liza-- I...am going to Ben's yacht club this weekend.

WILL: Wow. The black man is taking the Jewish girl to the Yacht Club. You two are so out, you're in.

GRACE: Bring me a souvenir. Actually, ew! Don't!


SCENE II: Joe and Larry's House (the South Hamptons)
(JACK and WILL are singing as they approach the front door. WILL has a goodie bag.)


JACK: I can't hear you!


JACK: [CHANTING] We're here, we're queer

WILL: [CHANTING] Give us a light beer!

JACK AND WILL: [CHANTING] We're here, we're queer

WILL: [CHANTING] Give us a light beer!

JOE: [WHISPERING] Shh! Hey, quiet!


WILL: [WHISPERING] Hi! Good to see you! Why, uh, why are we whispering?

JACK: [WHISPERING] Yeah, if we don't, Will we be disciplined?

JOE: No, no, no. I think you got the wrong idea.

MAN: Hey, guys!

WILL: Captain Hornblower! Hello...


JACK: I'm not quite getting the theme of this party.

LARRY: Hi, guys, great to see you. I'd kiss, but it's flu season. This is Hannah. She's our little pudding.

WILL: Something tells me the, uh, the baby oil is actually going to be used on babies this year.


SCENE III: The Yacht Club
(GRACE and BEN DOUCETTE are standing close. There are many other people moving about.)

BEN: So, first time at a yacht club, huh? I'm guessing you're pretty impressed with me right now. So am I!

KAREN: [ENTERING] Well, well, well. Look what the cat cleaned up, showered, exfoliated, powdered, lipsticked, Gucci'd and dragged in.

BEN: Karen Walker. You know, I thought I saw a waiter out front weeping. Now it all makes sense.

KAREN: [TO GRACE] Oh, honey, look at you in a yacht club. It's weird. It's--it's kind of like seeing-- [TO BEN] you in a yacht club.

GRACE: Ahem! [ENGLISH ACCENT] Well, you might want to get used to it, Karen darling, 'cause you'll be seeing a lot more of me around here, a-hoo-hoo-ha! [BEGINS COUGHING, THEN STEPS AWAY TO GET A DRINK]

BEN: [TO GRACE] Are you all right, baby?

KAREN: [TO BEN] So, I, uh, I noticed they redid the floors in the bridge room touch me.

BEN: What did you say?

KAREN: What? Nothing. What did you think I just said fondle me.

BEN: Mrs. Walker, you're not fooling anyone.

KAREN: Well, I'm not trying to fool anyone take me.

BEN: That's not even subtle.

KAREN: What? What isn't?

BEN: "Touch me, fondle me, take me."

KAREN: Well, well. Aren't you a dirty bird? But all right!

BEN: Ah-ah! I think I'll go say hello to your husband. You remember him, the one you married in sickness and in wealth? [TO GRACE] I'll be right back, baby. [BEN EXITS]

GRACE: Mm-mmm! I love to watch him go.

KAREN: Yeah, yeah, yeah. [WHINING AND MOCKING GRACE] "Ben's so cute! Ben's so sexy! Ben's so big!"

GRACE: I didn't say that.

KAREN: Oh. Well, just get to work!

GRACE: We're not at work.

KAREN: Well, then quit yapping about your boyfriend and file something! [TO THE BARTENDER] Give me a drink.

GRACE: Why are you being-- [GASPING] Ohh! Oh my God! You're jealous!

KAREN: Wh--?! What?!

GRACE: You are! You're jealous of my hot black lover!

KAREN: You know what? You can be really mean sometimes. [KAREN WALKS AWAY.]

GRACE: [TO KAREN] I'm mean?! You introduce me to your friends as "Bozo Adler." Karen--

ROSARIO: [OFF SCREEN] She's right, you know.

GRACE: [TURNS AROUND] Whoa! Rosario, what are you doing here?

ROSARIO: Mr. Stan forgot his evening toupee. And shame on you.

GRACE: Oh, for what? Oh, come on, I was just having some fun. You know how rare it is I find something good like that to flaunt in her face.

ROSARIO: Well, your timing sucks, Bozo.

GRACE: Please don't call me Bozo.

ROSARIO: Look, I'm gonna tell you something, and if you repeat it, I'm gonna wash your mouth out with toilet cleanser.

GRACE: You're lovely.

ROSARIO: In a week, Miss Karen will be the same age as Mr. Stan's first wife when he cut her loose.


ROSARIO: Do I have to spell it out for you? She's plagued by feelings of insecurity, wondering if she's still attractive to men. I'm hooked on "The View."

GRACE: Karen? I don't believe it.

ROSARIO: I'm telling you, she's not herself. The other day, I saw her put milk in her cereal.

GRACE: Instead of Bailey's?

ROSARIO: Mm-hmm. It's not funny when you know the truth.

GRACE: Well, it's less funny. Oh, poor Karen, I feel awful. I'm gonna go talk to her. Well, since you're sharing, how old is Karen?



GRACE: Ow, ow, ow!

ROSARIO: If you value your life, you'll never ask that again, Bozo!



SCENE IV: Joe and Larry's House (the South Hamptons)
(LARRY is waving goodbye to the last guests. WILL and JACK are still there with JOE, LARRY, and baby HANNAH.)

LARRY: See you later, guys. Bye, Scotty. [TO WILL AND JACK] I know every parent says this, but Hannah really is superior to all the other kids. I mean, you saw the envy in that other baby's eyes.

WILL: So, wow. What's it like being fathers? I mean, is it amazing?

JOE: Well, it-it's totally changed our lives.

LARRY: I haven't slept in 8 months, I've completely lost my figure, but I have what I've always dreamed of... A family.

JACK: [DISMISSIVE] Yeah, that's neat. Hey, fellas, look. J'adore you, ok? Je can't get enough of you. But, um, it's tough love time. And I know I speak for Will when I say we're very disappointed. [WILL NODS] This whole baby thing makes you guys losers.

WILL: What?! It does not-- I don't feel that way. I-- That is completely wrong, and don't ever speak for me.

JACK: Notice that he did not say I was wrong.

WILL: Yes, I did, that's exactly what I said.

JACK: I rest my case.

WILL: Well, how about resting your pie-hole? [TO JOE AND LARRY] I--I think what you guys are doing is very cool. I can't wait to be a father.

JOE: You'd be a great dad, Will.

WILL: Yeah, you know, I always thought I would. Yeah, I totally want this. I just have to find the right guy... and the right uterus. Hopefully not in the same person.

JACK: Well, I don't get it. I mean, personally I think you should've gotten a bird. They're much more colorful, and you don't get social workers breathing down your neck every time you lock them in a cage at night. Ha ha ha! [NO ONE ELSE LAUGHS] Ooh, wrong crowd.

LARRY: You know how you get to that place in your life when the endless parties and the up-all-night and the drinking and the casual sex just don't do it for you anymore?

JACK: [CONFUSED] I'm not following.

LARRY: I'm sure this is all boring for you. Tell us what fabulous things you guys have been up to.

WILL: Oh. Uh, well, we, um... We have put together a time capsule. Actually, it's--it's more of a junk drawer, but it's so nice to have everything right there and organized.

JACK: Oh, and--and we still have our Friday night movie club.

WILL: Yeah.

JACK: Yeah, we sit in the back row, and every time straight people kiss, we hiss.

JOE: Oh. Do you know how long it's been since we've been to a movie?

WILL: Well, here's an idea. I mean, seeing as we're obviously not gonna be doing Jell-O shots and playing pin the tail on the donkey--

JACK: How is the donkey, by the way?

JOE: Oh, good. Good. His oldest is starting pre-K.

WILL: Why don't you two go to a movie, and we'll stay here with Hannah?

JACK: [PULLING WILL ASIDE, SOTTO] Woman! Have you lost your mind as well as your looks? I ain't baby-sittin'!

WILL: I'll pay you.

JACK: I wouldn't do it for $100.

WILL: How 'bout 50?

JACK: Fine. [TO JOE AND LARRY] Guys, if you hurry you can catch the 7:00 show.

JOE: [TO LARRY] What do you think?

LARRY: [TO JOE] Can we do that? I mean, she's just gonna be sleeping anyway.

WILL: Exactly. [TO BABY HANNAH] Of course you are, aren't you, Hannah? You'd be happy to have me take care of you, wouldn't you? Hmm? What's that? Oh, no, sweetheart. [RE: JACK] That's not the tooth fairy. No. This fairy doesn't have a job.


SCENE V: The Yacht Club
(KAREN is sitting alone at the bar having a drink and a cigarette talking to the BARTENDER.)

KAREN: [TO THE BARTENDER] Ah, Smitty. Why is there so much pain in the world? So much cruelty? Can you tell me that, Smitty?

BARTENDER: My name is not Smitty.

KAREN: I don't need your life story, nose hair. Just fill her up. [PUSHES HER GLASS TO HIM]

GRACE: Hey, Karen.


GRACE: I just... wanted to say sorry about before. You know, you look great tonight.

KAREN: Yeah, yeah.

GRACE: No, I mean really great.


GRACE: Listen, I was sitting across the room, and I saw you, and you took my breath away.

KAREN: What?

GRACE: Yeah. I mean, you are such a sexy, beautiful, vibrant woman. Anyone would be so lucky to have you.

KAREN: [GASPS] Are you hitting on me?

GRACE: Wh-- What? No! Where do you g--

KAREN: You are! Oh, my god. You're a big lez.

GRACE: Karen--

KAREN: You know, people have always said you were, but I said, "No. That's just the way she walks."

GRACE: [DEFENSIVE] I have a sturdy gait.

KAREN: Honey, come on. Finally, an explanation for the chunky shoes and all the keys.

GRACE: No. No, no, no, no, no. See--


GRACE: Look. Look. Um, Karen... I just sensed that you were feeling a little down, and I just wanted to make sure that you know how attractive you are.

KAREN: Hey, back off, Lezzy Borden. No means no.


SCENE VI: Joe and Larry's House (the South Hamptons)
(WILL and JACK are trying to put HANNAH to bed.)

WILL: Come on, little Hannah. Time for bed. Time for sleep. Say good night. Say good night to Uncle Will and Auntie Jack. Close your eyes. Come on. [TO JACK] I don't know-- She's not even tired.

JACK: [SINGING TO HANNAH] Ooh, hey, sister, go, sister, soul sister, go sister--

WILL: Jack, that's not gonna work.

JACK: [SINGING] Hey, sister, go, sister, soul sister, soul sister.

WILL: Jack, come on...

JACK: [SINGING] He met Marmalade down in old New Orleans, struttin' her stuff on the street. She said-

JACK AND WILL: [SINGING] Hello, hey, Joe you wanna give it a go? Gitchi, gitchi, ya ya ya ya. Gitchi, gitchi, ya ya yee. Mocca chocalata, ya ya. Creole Lady Mamalo. Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?

JACK: [SINGING] Voulez-vous coucher avec--

WILL: Jack. Jack. Jack. She's asleep.

JACK: I was just getting to the best part of the song.

WILL: It doesn't matter because she's asleep.

JACK: [WHISPERING] Oh. Oh, she's cute.

WILL: [WHISPERING] Cute? She's heaven. This is really what it's about, you know? And it doesn't seem that hard. I mean, what do they do? They eat. They sleep. They poop.

JACK: God, I'd kill for that life.

WILL: You have that life. I want this, you know? I... I got to kiss that little puddin's cheeks.



SCENE VII: The Yacht Club
(GRACE and BEN are hugging at the bar.)



BEN: Want to go for a ride on my boat?

GRACE: Oh! Oh, oh, you know, this isn't the time.

BEN: No. I mean my actual boat. It's docked in the harbor.

GRACE: Oh. Maybe later. Look. I need you to do something for me.

BEN: Anything, baby.

GRACE: I need you to hit on Karen.

BEN: Please tell me you said, "I need you to put a hit on Karen."


SCENE VIII: Joe and Larry's House (the South Hamptons)
(WILL has HANNAH in a baby carrier and is chasing JACK through the house.)


WILL: Damn it, Jack. You promised you would help me burp her.

JACK: Will, I don't know nothin' about burpin' no babies. Now get off my back.

WILL: I thought we were in this together.

JACK: No. This is what you wanted. I never wanted this baby to begin with. I want my life back.

WILL: Well, guess what? She's here, and we can't send her back. So how about a little help?

JACK: You don't want my help. I told you to do what my mother did to me when I was crying.

WILL: Jack, I am not gonna leave this child in a laundromat.

JACK: Well, then leave me at one because I'm a woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

WILL: God, you're worthless. And don't think I'm gonna forget how you've been tonight. You are unreliable, irresponsible--

JACK: Oh, shut up, Will! You're just freaked out 'cause you stink at this.

WILL: Excuse me?

JACK: You suck at being a dad, and you're taking it out on me.

WILL: I'm gonna go see if she needs changing.


SCENE IX: The Yacht Club
(GRACE is waiting at the bar for BEN.)

GRACE: Hey, sweetie.

BEN: Hey.

GRACE: How'd it go?

BEN: Well, I gave her some of my best stuff. I gave her the lean in. I gave her the soft touch. [TOUCHES GRACE'S HAIR] I flashed her these. [BEN SMILES]


BEN: And then I finished off by giving her a little of the 20/20 hindsight. [BEN TURNS AROUND, SHOWING HIS BUTT TO GRACE]

GRACE: Oh, yeah. Oh, you did a good thing. I appreciate it. Now, where is that boat you keep talking about?

MAN: Mr. Doucette, may I have a word with you, please?

BEN: Uh, I'm in the middle of a conversation here.

MAN: It's a rather pressing matter.

BEN: [TO GRACE] I'll be back in a minute, baby.


KAREN: Hi, Ben. [TO GRACE] Hi, honey.

GRACE: You seem happy.

KAREN: Oh, yeah, I am. Listen, Grace. I just-- I want you to know that... I know everything you tried to do for me.

GRACE: Are you feeling better?

KAREN: Yeah, I am, but that's not why. Sweet story. Ben's being kicked out of the club.

GRACE: What?!

KAREN: Oh, it's so romantic. Oh. Stan saw him hitting on me, and he got so jealous, he threw his ass out. Oh, Stan loves me, Grace. I am walking on air. Yeah. I may give the little admiral a salute tonight.

GRACE: Wait, wait, wait. No, no, no. This was not the way it was supposed to go.

KAREN: Oh, it never does, honey. Ooh, speaking of which, you better pack it up, too. They're not crazy about the lesbians.


SCENE X: Will's Rental Car
(WILL is driving with JACK back to the city.)

JACK: [LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW] Ooh, hello, hottie in the Honda. Great scar! [TO WILL] Oh! Speed up. Come on. Speed, speed up. Uh. Oh, great. He's gone. Was gonna spend the rest of my life with him. What, what? Why do you hate me so much?

WILL: I don't hate you. I'm not even mad at you.

JACK: Then why have you been oozing hostility ever since we dropped Sad Doll back off with her parents?

WILL: I'm upset about what you said earlier.

JACK: About your big old boobs?


JACK: About you being boney?


JACK: About your hair plugs?

WILL: I don't have hair plugs. I hate that I couldn't take care of one little kid. You're right. I'd suck as a dad.

JACK: Uh, I just said that to upset you. I didn't mean it.

WILL: Whether you meant it or not, it's true. If I can't take care of a kid for one night, how am I gonna do it when it's for real? I always just assumed I'd be a great dad. I never doubted it. No I...


JACK: What? What are you talking about? You just did the soccer mom arm save.


JACK: So you have the instinct.

WILL: That's not the instinct of a dad. That's the instinct of a guy who didn't take out insurance on his passenger.

JACK: Will, you're gonna be an awesome dad. You're caring. You're thoughtful. You're generous.

WILL: You're just saying that to make me feel better.

JACK: No, I'm not. I mean, what would I get out of that? You're gonna be a great dad because for the last 10 years, you've been a great one to me.

WILL: Wanna stop for ice cream?

JACK: Nah.

WILL: Wanna go to a bar and look at hot guys?

JACK: I love you, daddy.