Original Airdate 10/19/2000
Written by Adam Barr
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Shelley Morrison (Rosario Salazar)
Derek Basco (Mipanko)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
(Banging on the apartment door has awaken WILL and JACK)
GRACE: [VOICE] Will! Open the door! Will!
JACK: [EXITING HIS ROOM] What's going on?
WILL: It better be a fire. With really cute firemen.
[AN UNKNOWN MAN EXITS JACK'S ROOM AND FOLLOWS JACK AND WILL.]
GRACE: [VOICE] Will, hurry up! [KNOCKING ON DOOR]
[WILL TURNS AROUND AND NOTICES MIPANKO HOLDING JACK'S ARM.]
WILL: I'm Will by the way.
MIPANKO: Mipanko. [SHAKES WILL'S HAND]
WILL: And why wouldn't you be?
GRACE: [RUNS INSIDE SCREAMING] Aah! Someone just tried to break into my apartment!
[JACK AND MIPANKO GASP]
GRACE: I was sleeping, and I heard the door jiggle, and then they tried to jam it open! There's someone out there!
WILL: Oh, my god! A-are you all right?
WILL: You stay here, and we'll-- we'll go check it out. Jack, you may wanna grab something heavy.
[JACK GRABS WILL, AND THE TWO OF THEM EXIT ACROSS THE HALL]
GRACE: [TO MIPANKO] I am so freaked out. I cannot believe someone was trying to break into my apartment. There's probably someone roaming the hallway with my picture in one hand and an axe in the other. [MIPANKO PUTS HIS ARM AROUND GRACE, RUBBING HER SHOULDER] Oh, thank you. That feels nice. Who are you?
MIPANKO: Mipanko. Like the candy treat? And don't worry, Jack has a black belt in Tae Kwon Do. The Navy Seals, they train him for this sort of thing.
GRACE: So, you two are pretty close, huh?
MIPANKO: As close as two men can get in 11 minutes.
WILL: Somebody was definitely trying to get in. The doorjamb was messed with.
JACK: Yeah, but the ball cock is ok.
GRACE: What? Why did you check the toilet?
JACK: I didn't. I just like saying it. Heh heh...
[JACK AND MIPANKO EXIT TO JACK'S ROOM.]
WILL: All right, well, there's nothing we can do tonight. So, you wanna-- wanna stay here?
GRACE: No. No, I'm not going to be chased out of my own apartment. Then they'll have won. I'm gonna be strong. Will you sleep over with me tonight? Please! [BEGGING] Please, please, please--
WILL: Why do I only get these offers from women? Ok, all right, all right, all right!
GRACE: Thank you! Who's my hero? Who's my big strong man?
WILL: I don't know. We'll stay over till he shows up.
[CUT TO GRACE'S APARTMENT. WILL AND GRACE ARE LAYING IN HER BED.]
GRACE: Will? Are you asleep?
WILL: You kidding? Between the mouth-breathing, and the wheezing, and the sinuses, it's like sleeping with a Sleestak.
GRACE: This breathe-easy strip doesn't work. [SHE PULLS THE STRIP OFF HER NOSE] Ow!! [SHE ACCIDENTALLY KICKS WILL]
WILL: Could we talk about your toenails?
GRACE: I'm sorry. I'll cut them.
WILL: Don't you need them for tree climbing and warding off predators?
[A SMALL NOISE]
GRACE: [GASPS] [WHISPERING] Shh! Listen! Listen! What's that?! I just heard someone outside!
WILL: You heard nothing! There's nothing out there, so just-- [A BANG OUTSIDE] Oh, my God!
WILL: [WHISPERING] Don't freak out!
GRACE: [WHISPERING] I have never freaked out!
WILL: Shh! Shh! [WHISPERING] Stay here.
[WILL CREEPS OUT OF THE BEDROOM. GRACE WRAPS HERSELF IN HER COMFORTER AND FOLLOWS WILL.]
[WILL TURNS AROUND, AND HE AND GRACE STARTLE EACH OTHER AND SCREAM.]
[WILL AND GRACE MAKE THEIR WAY TO THE FRONT DOOR. WILL QUICKLY OPENS THE DOOR AND SCREAMS SHRILLY.]
WILL: Ok...nothing. It's nothing. We're fine. Did I just scream like a woman?
GRACE: Don't flatter yourself. You scream like a girl. Will, if there had been someone out there, what would we have done?
WILL: I don't know. Grate some cheese with your toenails and invite them in for quiche? Come on, let's go back to bed.
GRACE: What? No, no! I can't sleep here.
GRACE: No, I'm too creeped out. No, I--I don't-- I don't feel-- I don't feel good here anymore.
WILL: All right, we'll go to my apartment. It'd make more sense, anyway. At least this way, we'll get some peace and quiet.
[WILL AND GRACE EXIT TO WILLS APARTMENT. JACK AND MIPANKO ARE PLAYING A GAME]
JACK AND MIPANKO: Biggly, biggly, biggly, biggly, biggly, biggly, bog!
MIPANKO: I win!
JACK: Damn! Every time!
GRACE: What are you doing?
JACK: Playing Biggly Bog!
GRACE: Biggly what?
JACK: Bog. It's like Taggly Dip, but with dice.
WILL: [TO JACK] Look, Grace can't sleep over there, so we're gonna stay-- Why is Mipanko wearing my kimono?
GRACE: [TO WILL] Blanche, I think the bigger question is, why do you have a kimono?
WILL: And how many times have I told you to keep your animals in your room, doctor do-nothing?
JACK: Shh-shh-shh! Just keep it down. You'll wake up Poppy.
WILL: Who's Poppy?
JACK: Mipanko's Poppy, Will. He showed up here in tears.
MIPANKO: [TO WILL] Shh.
JACK: [WHISPERING] Poppy got in a fight with his parents. [JACK UNCONVERS POPPY, WHO IS LAYING ON THE COUCH IN THE TV ROOM] It's ok, Poppy. We'll be quiet. Ok. And we close the mouth. [JACK CLOSES POPPY'S MOUTH]
SCENE II: Will's Apartment
(The next morning...)
[JACK EXITS HIS BEDROOM, GOES TO THE DINING ROOM TABLE, POURS A MUG OF COFFEE AND GRABS A DOUGHNUT, PAUSES THEN GRABS A SECOND DOUGHNUT AND HEADS BACK TO HIS ROOM. GRACE EXITS THE BATHROOM AND PASSES JACK.]
JACK: [TO GRACE] Morning.
GRACE: [TO WILL] Morning.
[GRACE GOES TO THE DINING ROOM TABLE, POURS A MUG OF COFFEE AND GRABS A DOUGHNUT, PAUSES THEN GRABS A SECOND DOUGHNUT AS WILL EXITS HIS BEDROOM.]
GRACE: [MUMBLING] MRNG [GRACE EXITS BACK INTO THE BATHROOM.]
[WILL SETS HIS SUIT COAT ON THE COUCH AND GOES TO THE DINING ROOM TABLE. THE COFFEE IS EMPTY. THERE ARE NO MORE DOUGHNUTS.]
[WILL TURNS TO GRAB HIS COAT. KLAUS VON PUPPY IS LAYING ON IT. HE GETS IT AWAY AND PUTS IT ON, SMOOTHING IT OUT WHEN GUAPO POOPS ON HIM.]
SCENE III: Grace Adler Designs
(GRACE is telling KAREN about last night.)
GRACE: Can you imagine if whoever it was had actually gotten in? He probably would've made me rub lotion all over myself so he could make a prairie skirt out of my skin. Karen, I have never been more terrified in my entire life.
KAREN: Oh, honey. [BEAT] Stan bought me a 7-karat ruby on our trip to Paris last year.
GRACE: What does that have to do with the break-in?
KAREN: Nothing, honey. I thought we were just swapping stories. Jeez Louise! Didn't realize it was "All about Grace" day. Oh, there it is. There it is.
[ROSARIO EXITS FROM THE SERVICE ELEVATOR WITH A SMALL SHOPPING CART.]
ROSARIO: Ms. Karen, they were out of Grey Goose, so I got you extra Stoli.
GRACE: What's going on here?
KAREN: This doesn't concern you. I'm turning the fridge into a minibar. [TO ROSARIO] So what did you bring me, Rosiola?
ROSARIO: Oh, all your boys are here. Johnnie Walker, Jim Beam, Jose Cuervo, and the 2 Glens, Livet and Fiddich.
KAREN: I think I'm gonna give the boys a shimmy. Whoo! Oh, yeah! Hey, boys! [KAREN SHAKES HER BREASTS IN FRONT OF THE BOTTLES]
GRACE: Karen, Karen... No. No, no, no, no. No, this is not a hotel.
GRACE: We work here. You cannot have a minibar.
ROSARIO: Where should I put the giant Kit-Kats?
GRACE: Stick them in the minibar.
JACK: [ENTERING] I've had it, Grace! If you leave the toilet seat down one more time-- [JACK SEES KAREN AND GASPS]
GRACE: Are you two still fighting?
JACK: What is she doing here? It's 9:45. Shouldn't she be at lunch?
KAREN: What is she doing here? Shouldn't she be at the Westside Y bobbing for boyfriends?
GRACE: Why are you still doing this?
JACK: Hey, hey, hey! I did her a favor by marrying her maid. And what do I get in return? Nothing! She is dead to me! [HACK-SPIT]
KAREN: Nobody tries to soak Karen Walker for half a mil and my bustier collection! She is dead to me, too! [HACK-SPIT]
GRACE: You know, this is my office.
KAREN: I had to have Rosario deloused after being married to it!
ROSARIO: Hello, I'm in the room!
[Jack, Karen, and Rosario arguing]
GRACE: Enough! Stop! Not another word from any of you!
KAREN: Suck it-- [SHE IS CUT OFF BY GRACE]
GRACE: Ok, enough! All of you, just go off to your corners and just-- be strange! Now!
JACK: [UNDER HIS BREATH] Ahem. Rhymes with witch. [JACK EXITS]
GRACE: I am sorry, but I am just not in the mood to play mediator. I am having the hardest time just feeling safe in my own home.
KAREN: Why? What happened?
SCENE IV: Will's Apartment
(WILL is watching TV on the TV room couch when JACK runs in, grabs the remote, and changes the channel.)
WILL: What are-- What are you doing?
JACK: It's "Behind the Music" with Mariah Scarey.
WILL: I am right in the middle of "Rumpole of the Bailey." Don't just grab the remote!
JACK: I'm sorry. It was very wrong of me. [JACK PULLS A REMOTE CONTROL OUT OF THE COUCH CUSHIONS AND SWITCHES THE CHANNEL]
WILL: What?! Where did you get that?
JACK: Ooh, look! This is the part where Mariah pretends not to hate Whitney.
WILL: Give me that! [WILL GRABS THE REMOTE FROM JACK AND CHANGES THE CHANNEL] We are going to watch "Rumpole of the Bailey."
GRACE: Out of my way! Out of my way! They're reattaching a woman's scalp on The Learning Channel! Put it on!
JACK: Sorry, Grace. Will's watching "Bunghole up my Mainly."
WILL: It is "Rumpole of the Bailey," and seeing as I have the remotes, that's what we're watching.
[GRACE GRABS A REMOTE OUT OF THE COUCH AND SWITCHES THE CHANNEL]
WILL: Grace! You've seen this thing, like, 5 times.
GRACE: I know, but it's hard to watch the whole thing. Each time I watch, I see a little-- [REACTING TO THE TV] Whoa!
WILL AND JACK: [REACTING TO THE TV] Oh!
WILL: No, no! We are watching this!
JACK: [CHANGING THE CHANNEL] Mariah!
WILL: [CHANGING THE CHANNEL] Rumpole!
GRACE, JACK, WILL: [REACTING TO GRACE'S CHANNEL] OH!
WILL: No, no! Just leave it alone!
JACK: Cut it out already!
[ALL SHOUTING AND FLIPPING THE CHANNEL WHEN SUDDENLY IT STOPS CHANGING]
JACK: Wait, what happened?
GRACE: Why is it on "Highway to Heaven?"
WILL: You broke it! Now it's stuck on Pax TV.
JACK AND GRACE: [BOTH GROANING] Ohh!
WILL: That's it! Get out here, both of you! Come on, out! I can't sleep. Y-you've eaten all my food. There's so much hair at the bottom of the bathtub, I swear it's about to ask me if I want a falafel. I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry. I love you both, and I want to help you, but I'm afraid one of you is gonna have to go.
[JACK AND GRACE BOTH PROTEST]
WILL: Whoa, Cassidy, Cody, enough! I know, I know. You're scared of your apartment, and you're a homo without a home. I know! They're very good arguments, a-and trust me, this is not a decision I'm eager to make, so-- You make it.
WILL: You decide who's going to stay and who's going to go. I'll be back in an hour.
Where are you going?
WILL: Where every red-blooded American man goes when he needs to blow off steam... The sweater department at Bergdorf's.
[CUT TO SAME SCENE, LATER. JACK AND GRACE ARE PLAYING PAPER, ROCK, SCISSORS.]
JACK AND GRACE: Scissors! Scissors! Scissors! Scissors!
GRACE: Stop doing that! It doesn't work if you do the same thing!
JACK: Then stop doing scissors!
GRACE: You stop doing scissors!
GRACE: Fine. Again.
JACK AND GRACE: Scissors! Scissors! Scissors! Scissors!
GRACE: You suck at this!
JACK: Listen, this is no way to decide who's going to stay in this apartment. Let's just be fair. Let's be reasonable. I'm thinking of a number between one and 10.
GRACE: Do you have no respect for me? I'm not gonna play that stupid game.
JACK: Just pick a number!
JACK: Damn it! [BEAT] You were wrong.
GRACE: Jack, for once in your life, would you stop being so selfish?! I was robbed! My apartment still feels creepy!
JACK: Oh, shut up, Adler! Your apartment was creepy before you were robbed! You just wanna stay here because this place doesn't smell like bologna and mulch.
GRACE: Well, you're nothing but a leech, McFarland! You just glom on to someone like Karen or Will, and you leech, and you mooch, and you leech, and you mooch, and you leech--
GRACE: Underdeveloped calves!
JACK: [HORRIFIED GASP]
SCENE V: Bergdorf Goodman Department Store
(WILL is browsing through the Men's Department. KAREN enters and strolls up to WILL.)
KAREN: Here you go. I'm here to pick up Stanley Walker's suit. [HOLDS OUT A PIECE OF PAPER TO WILL.]
WILL: Karen, it's me...Will.
KAREN: Oh! Hi, Wilma. I'm sorry. I didn't see you! Silly me. So, could you grab me that suit? I'm kind of in a hurry.
WILL: Karen, I don't work here. I'm-- Actually, you know what? I'm on my break right now, but the other salesguy'll be back in just a minute.
KAREN: So, how you doing?
WILL: All right. Just doing a little shopping while Grace and Jack--
KAREN: Buh-buh-buh-buh! Do not say that name to me! He is dead to me! [HACK-SPIT]
WILL: And that one goes to the bottom of the pile. [WILL PUTS THE SWEATER DOWN] I can't believe you're still mad at him.
KAREN: I clothed and fed that man for a year, and he tried to fleece me. And he didn't even have the decency to put me into an insulin-induced coma first.
WILL: Are you actually surprised that Jack McFarland took advantage of you? I mean, that's like being surprised when the counter help at yogurt shop seems sad for no reason. I mean, come on, this is Jack we're talking about.
KAREN: Go on, salesperson...
WILL: Jack is like a-- a puppy. You don't stop loving him because he piddles on the carpet. You just roll up a newspaper and hit him on the snoots.
KAREN: He does have that sweet puppy breath.
WILL: Yeah. And we both know how much he loves chasing that tail.
SCENE VI: Will's Apartment
(JACK and GRACE have calmed down. GRACE is fixing tea.)
GRACE: Here you go. [GRACE HANDS JACK A BIG CUP OF TEA.]
JACK: Thanks. I'm really glad we worked things out, Grace.
GRACE: Yeah, me, too. Sorry I bitch-slapped you.
GRACE: [TO WILL] Hi.
JACK: Hey, so guess what? We've come to a decision.
WILL: Well, good. I figured if I just got out of your way, you'd do the right thing. So, what did you decide?
JACK: I'm in. Red's out.
WILL: Well, ok, that's good, that's--that's fine. [TO GRACE] And you're ok with this?
GRACE: Yeah, I'm gonna have my Aunt Pescha come over and get rid of the evil spirits. Then of course, the problem becomes getting rid of my Aunt Pescha, bu-- And if that doesn't work, then I'll just find another place to live. I mean, we really talked about it, and--and he really does need this more than I do, so--
JACK: Plus you lost three straight rounds of thumb wrestling.
GRACE: Ok, not necessary. So... I'm gonna get going.
[GRACE EXITS THE APARTMENT]
JACK: Hey, Will, you know, can you run out and get me some bee pollen extract for my tea? Yeah, it's a little dullsville.
WILL: Hold that thought. [WILL OPENS THE DOOR, PULLS GRACE BACK INTO THE ROOM] Just wanna try a little experiment. [HE SITS GRACE ON THE COUCH] You sit there with that. [HE GIVES HER THE CUP OF TEA] And you come here. [PULLS JACK OFF THE COUCH AND INTO THE DOORWAY.] Yes, much better, much better!
JACK: W-what's going on?
GRACE: I thought you wanted us to make the choice?
WILL: I did. I just didn't think you'd pick the wrong choice.
JACK: May I remind you that I'm your one remaining link to the gay world.
WILL: Jack, I love you. I'm sorry, but-- For the sake of our friendship, I can't live with you.
JACK: So you're shutting me out? Is that-- Is that wh-- Mmm, yeah, that tastes good, yeah. All right, fine. You know what? If you need me, I'll be out on the street sleeping in a hat, tissue boxes for shoes, selling figurines of kittens made from scraps of metal and old soup.
WILL: Hey, Eponine... What I had in mind was you sublet Grace's apartment. Or technically, your mom and I sublet Grace's apartment. What do you think?
GRACE: Works for me.
JACK: Yeah, you'd like that, I'm sure. Yeah, right.
GRACE: Yeah! There's 9 months left on my lease. Wouldn't you like it?
JACK: Yeah, ok, Grace! [BEAT. REALIZES:] Oh, my God, I have my own apartment! All it needs is a little gay spray and a half-dozen torso sculptures, and I'm home! Let's go tell everybody! Exeunt flourish! [EXITS]
GRACE: So we're living together again.
WILL: Yes, we are.
GRACE: You sure about this?
WILL: Sweetie... I have never been less sure about anything in my life.
GRACE: Oh, thank God! Me, too!
SCENE VII: The hallway between WILL and JACK's apartments
(JACK is exiting his new apartment/GRACE's old apartment as KAREN exits the elevator.)
KAREN: Oh! Hey, poodle!
JACK: [STIFFLY] Hello.
KAREN: Guess what? Good news. We're not mad at each other anymore, because I've forgiven you.
JACK: Interesting, because I haven't forgiven you.
KAREN: So what's your point? Oh, all right, I'm sorry. There, we're done. Come on, let's go get French tips.
JACK: Karen, I am not a light switch that you can just apologize to and expect me to forgive you. My emotions are much more complex than that. I need time to heal. I don't accept. [JACK TURNS AWAY]
KAREN: You don't what?
JACK: I said I don't accept.
KAREN: I don't think you understand what just happened here. The only other person I've ever apologized to was my mother, and that was court ordered. So please accept my apology in the spirit in which it was intended or I'll kick you in the gittles.
JACK: No! Now be gone before someone drops a house on you!
KAREN: Hey, up yours, Dorothy.
JACK: May you tan and freckle!
GRACE: [EXITING WILL'S APARTMENT] Don't mind me. I'm just grabbing my toothbrush and a Balance Bar.
[GRACE CROSSES THE HALL TO HER OLD/JACK'S NEW APARTMENT AND TRIPS AS SHE GOES INSIDE, FALLING ON THE FLOOR.]
[JACK AND KAREN BOTH LAUGH, BUT STOP WHEN THEY BOTH NOTICE THE OTHER LAUGHING]
JACK: [SERIOUSLY] Hey, that looked like it hurt.
KAREN: Yeah, tell me about it!
JACK: She could be bleeding.
KAREN: That's not funny.
JACK: You wanna know something else that's not funny? You know, um, yesterday she slipped on some bacon grease in the kitchen, and she missed the counter-top... by this much.
JACK AND KAREN: Ha!
JACK: She could have lost an eye!
JACK AND KAREN: [SNICKERING]
KAREN: Honey, last night, Olivia shoved Butler down the service stairwell, knocked him unconscious!
JACK: When did you find him?
KAREN: Not till this morning! He might need a brace!
[JACK AND KAREN LAUGH]
JACK: Oh, Kar, I missed you!
KAREN: Oh, I missed you, too, honey.
JACK AND KAREN: [THEY HUG EACH OTHER, GRABBING THEIR BUTTS] Wink, wink!
KAREN: I felt so bad, I went out and bought this. [HOLDS OUT A SHOPPING BAG]
JACK: Oh, for me?
KAREN: No. But we can go buy you a little happy. Come on, let's go to Bergdorf's. Say, did you know Will works there now?
JACK: Get out!
SCENE VIII: Will's Apartment
(WILL and GRACE are watching TV.)
TV ANNOUNCER: and that concludes the "Highway to Heaven" Marathon. Stay tuned for the "Making of the Highway to Heaven Marathon."
WILL: That was good....
[CUT TO JACK'S APARTMENT.]
[JACK IS TUCKING IN POPPY.]
JACK: [WHISPERING] Night, poppy! And... [JACK CLOSES POPPY'S MOUTH]