Episode #3.01
Original Airdate 10/12/2000
Written by David Kohan & Max Mutchnick
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
CAST
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Shelley Morrison (Rosario Salazar)
GUEST CAST
Corey Parker (Josh)
Mimi Savage (Woman)
Timothy Davis-Reed (Officer)
Steve Schroeder (Delivery Boy)
SCENE I: Grace's Apartment/Karen's Virgin Island Condo
(WILL and GRACE are talking to each other on the phone. The scene cuts between GRACE in her New York apartment and WILL, who is at Karen's Condo in the Virgin Islands.)
GRACE: [ON THE PHONE] And the guy I'm supposed to have a meeting with is in 2-I, so I say to the doorman, "Excuse me, is there a 2-I in this building? I'm looking for 2-I. I need to find 2-I." He's ignoring me. I must have said "2-I" like 15 times. The guy finally puts down his newspaper, looks right at me, and he only has one eye.
WILL: [ON THE PHONE] You lie. That did not happen.
GRACE: [ON THE PHONE] Swear to God he only had one functioning eye, and the other one was like a mini glazed doughnut with a... a sort of congealed...
WILL: [ON THE PHONE] Paging new subject. New subject to the white courtesy telephone!
GRACE: [ON THE PHONE] So how's the Island? Do you just run around naked all day in war paint chasing things with a pointy stick?
WILL: [ON THE PHONE] Grace... It's the Virgin Islands. It's not Fire Island. But yes.
JOSH: [OPENING THE DOOR AND PEEKING IN] Sweetie? I'm still holding the elevator. Are you coming?
GRACE: [TO JOSH] Oh, I'm--I'm talking to Will. I'll meet you there. Just order me what you're having.
JOSH: Tofu scrambled on a bed of spinach?
GRACE: Yeah. Oh! But, um, uh, instead of the spinach, I'll have chocolate chip pancakes. Oh, hey, oh, oh! Oh! And eighty-six the tofu scrambled. Thanks, sweetie. You're the best. [JOSH EXITS. TO WILL ON THE PHONE:] Ok, the thing with Josh is getting very messy.
WILL: [ON THE PHONE] What's the problem? Last time we talked, you and Josh were clicking along.
GRACE: [ON THE PHONE] [SIGHS] Yeah, but Ben and I are clicking along, too, and it's getting harder and harder to click two guys at the same time.
WILL: [ON THE PHONE] I thought this was the new you. I thought you were making up for the "head gear years."
GRACE: [ON THE PHONE] This whole thing has just gotten way too complicated. I mean, the other night in bed, I called Josh "Ben." And to cover it, I stretched it out into bennnn...d over...and... [VOICE BREAKING] I ended up doing something I really never wanna do again.
WILL: [ON THE PHONE] Good thing Ben's name isn't Pee-Wee.
[CUT TO KAREN'S CONDO.]
KAREN: [ENTERING] Wilma! Get your ass in the steam room asap. Stan has some legal questions. Oh, and he's wearing the shorty robe, so if I were you, I'd pick a point on the wall and focus on it.
WILL: [ON THE PHONE] Grace, I'm sorry. I'm wanted in yet another nude business meeting.
GRACE: [ON THE PHONE] No! You do this to me every time we talk.
WILL: [ON THE PHONE] Grace, I would much rather talk to you than avert my eyes while Stan re-adjusts his... soft currency, but I gotta go.
KAREN: [OFF-SCREEN] Wilma, shift it!
WILL: [ON THE PHONE] Honey, I'm sorry. [WILL HANGS UP.]
[CUT TO GRACE'S APARTMENT. SHE HANGS UP THE PHONE.]
GRACE: Damn it!
[CUT TO THE HALLWAY. A DELIVERY BOY IS DROPPING OFF GROCERIES TO JACK.]
JACK: Oh... Thanks. You can just put it on my tab. And you know what? Go ahead and give yourself a big, fat tip.
DELIVERY BOY: Thank you, Mr., Uh...
JACK: Truman. Will Truman. That's my name... Will Truman.
GRACE: [EXITING HER APARTMENT] Hey, Jack.
JACK: [TO DELIVERY BOY] But you can call me Jack. My friends call me Jack. [UNDER BREATH] You wanna be my friend?
[THE DELIVERY BOY LOOKS AT JACK QUESTIONINGLY AS THE ELEVATOR DOORS SHUT.]
JACK: [TO GRACE] Thanks a lot, Grace. Thank you very much! That was the man I was gonna spend the rest of my life with. We we gonna get married in Vermont and adopt Himalayan whistle kids. But thanks to you, I'll be alone until--
GRACE: Until the pizza boy delivers.
JACK: And, boy, does he ever! Thanks for the remind.
GRACE: See you later.
JACK: Wait a minute, wait a minute. What's going on with you? I haven't seen you around the old spa lately.
GRACE: Jack, just because you lie around there naked doesn't make it a spa. It's a laundry room.
JACK: What's with the mood and the 'tude?
GRACE: Nothing. It's just... It's--it's--it's really not your area.
JACK: Whaddaya talk? Everything's my area. Unless it's about your lady parts, 'cause that's more Will's area. Come on...
GRACE: Well, I've-- Have you ever dated two guys at the same time? [JACK PUTS A HAND ON HIS HIP] Forgive me. It's just that I've been juggling Ben and Josh for a couple of months now, and I think I need to make a decision.
JACK: Boy trouble? Now you're talkin' Jackanese! Come on. We'll have a steak. You'll pour your heart out. And to top it off, we'll rent a movie. You're into gay porn, right?
GRACE: Who isn't?
[JACK AND GRACE EXIT INTO WILL'S APARTMENT.]
SCENE II: Karen's Virgin Island Condo
(WILL, KAREN and STANLEY WALKER are having a meeting. STANLEY is sitting next to KAREN, but is out of view of the camera, obscured by a large plant.)
KAREN: I don't understand what's taking so long to set up one lousy offshore multinational holding company. My husband and I want off this damn Island already. It's hot, it's muggy. There's nature everywhere you look. It's hot. So stop stringing those puka shells and get us up and running. There are thousands of children in the third world who rely on the 11 cents an hour my husband pays them. Do you really want that on your conscience? Huh? Do you?
[STANLEY PUTS HIS HAND ON KAREN'S BREAST. KAREN SMACKS IT AWAY.]
KAREN: Damn it, Stanley! Not in front of the help! I want this whole thing squared away within the next week. Is that understood? Oh, and, uh... Get rid of those ridiculous strappy sandals you've been running around in. You're not Jennifer Lopez, for God's sake! And another thing, I--
WILL: [MUMBLING] Oh, shut up.
KAREN: What?
WILL: Shut up! For 3 months, I've been putting up with your yelling, your ranting, your barking drink orders at me-- I'm not gonna do it anymore! I'm sick of this Island. I'm sick of having more sand in my ass than Libya. But mostly, I am sick of you.
KAREN: Bu-- Cl-- Wha--!
WILL: I must have been out of my mind to take this gig in the first place. Karen, I will see you back home where I'm actually needed. [WILL CLOSES HIS BRIEFCASE AND STANDS UP.]
KAREN: Hey, you walk outta here and you can say goodbye to makin' partner!
WILL: Stanley, I'm sorry this didn't work out, but good luck and... Damn, man! Pull down that robe! [WILL EXITS]
SCENE III: Will's Apartment
(GRACE is visiting JACK, who is living in Will's New York apartment.)
JACK: Ok, now, remember, let each gesture tell a little story the way she does, ok?
GRACE: I'll never be like her.
JACK: Well, of course not. She's one of the great artists of all time. But we're not gonna honor her by quitting, ok? Now, come on, let's go again. 5, 6, 7, 8...
JACK AND GRACE: [SINGING AND DANCING TO CHOREOGRAPHED BRITNEY SPEARS ROUTINE] Oops! I did it again; I played with your heart; got lost in the game; oh, baby, baby.
JACK: Yes, that's totally it!
GRACE: Oh, gosh, yeah.
JACK: I actually feel the spirit of Britney in the room. And you... Are not... that... innocent.
GRACE: Oh, gosh. Ok. I gotta go. I gotta go see Ben. And by the way, thank you so much for that advice. You were so right. Ben is the one for me.
[GRACE OPENS THE DOOR TO EXIT, WILL IS STANDING THERE WITH HIS LUGGAGE ABOUT TO OPEN THE DOOR.]
GRACE: Will?
WILL: Hey!
GRACE: Hi! What are you doing here?
WILL: I came home. I'm here. Where's the love? I just flew coach! I need some love!
GRACE: Oh, my god! Look who's back! Yay! [HUGS WILL, STRADDLING HIM] You look so tan and gorgeous!
WILL: Missed you. [TO JACK] Hey, lady!
JACK: [SADLY] You're back?
WILL: Don't worry. You can still stay in the guest room, Kato.
JACK: [CLAPPING] Yay! You're back! Yay! [HUGS WILL, STRADDLING HIM] You're so tan and gorgeous! [POKING WILL'S STOMACH] Oh, my god! You're thin!
WILL: Huh?
JACK: You've had something done. [GASPS] You've been sucked and tucked! No, seriously, where did all your fat go? [WILL ROLLS HIS EYES AND WALKS AWAY] Oh, there it is. Well, listen, kids, I'm gonna skedooch so you two can make love. [TO WILL] FYI, I missed you. Don't make a big deal out of it. Just be happy a celebrity is talking to you. [TO GRACE] I'll call you later, ok? Kiss it. [GRACE KISSES HIS CHEEK] Kiss it. [GRACE KISSES THE OTHER CHEEK] Spank it. [SPANKS HIS BUTT] Peace out.
GRACE: [TOGETHER WITH JACK] Peace out.
[JACK EXITS TO HIS BEDROOM.]
WILL: What-- What was that?
GRACE: Oh, oh, that's just a-- just a thing that we do. Hi!
WILL: Hey!
GRACE: Hi! Come, come, come! Sit! Tell me, tell me! What are you doing back here?
WILL: Oh, the Island, it was awful. And by awful, I mean Karen. I--I-- And I missed you. I just felt like every time we talked, I wasn't there for you. But I've had plenty of time to consider your latest problem, and I think I have the fix.
GRACE: What problem?
WILL: You know, your "torn between two lovers, feeling like a fool" thing.
GRACE: Oh! Oh, right.
WILL: Now, you know I love Ben, but I think in this case you should go with Josh. I mean, yes, he's a little crunchy and groovy. But he adores you, and... That's what counts, right?
GRACE: Huh!
WILL: Right. So there's the verdict. Josh is the one you should be with.
GRACE: I am so glad you're back! And I hate to do this, but I have to go. I've got a brunch, and I, you know, I--I'd move it till later, but then it would be... lunch.
WILL: Yeah. Ok, well.. We'll talk about it later. And, uh... Peace out.
GRACE: [BEAT] Yeah.
SCENE IV: The Airport
(KAREN is waiting in line at the customs security gates with her luggage cart and purse. A WOMAN is waiting in line behind her.)
WOMAN: I always feel nervous at customs lines. Even if I haven't done anything wrong, I still feel guilty. I don't know why.
KAREN: Don't worry, honey. Wayne there's my friend. We go way back.
[ANOTHER SECURITY OFFICER REPLACES WAYNE, WHO EXITS.]
KAREN: Friend Wayne! Where you going? Uh...Wayne! Wayne! Don't go away! [TO NEW SECURITY OFFICER] Where'd my Waynie just go?
SECURITY OFFICER: Um...I shouldn't be telling you this, he's being fired for accepting bribes. Apparently he was letting people smuggle all kinds of stuff in the country-- emeralds, ivory, illegal prescription drugs.
KAREN: [NERVOUSLY] Ha ha ha ha ha! Oh, what people will do! [TO OFFICER] Honey. Uh... [KAREN OPENS HER JACKET; THERE IS A $100 BILL STICKING OUT OF HER BLOUSE] Say, is this your 100?
SECURITY OFFICER: No.
KAREN: Oh. Must be mine. Ha! [TO WOMAN] Why don't you go ahead of me? You look like you've had a hard life.
WOMAN: Oh...thanks!
ROSARIO: [ENTERING] I've got to tell you... I find these toilets that flush themselves very threatening.
KAREN: That's nice, honey. Listen, I've gotta pop over to the duty free and pick up a carton of cigs for the kids. Would you be a peach and carry my bag?
ROSARIO: Oh, Sure. [ROSARIO TAKES THE BAG AND GETS IN LINE.]
KAREN: Oh. Ok. [KAREN RUNS OUT.]
SCENE V: Will's Apartment
(WILL EXITS HIS BEDROOM TO PICK UP A BOOK IN THE LIVING ROOM. THE HALL DOOR IS OPEN AND HE CAN FAINTLY HEAR GRACE AND JACK, WHO ARE IN GRACE'S APARTMENT ACROSS THE HALL.)
GRACE: [VOICE] I mean, Josh is really--
JACK: [VOICE] Grace, we've been through this already. I'm telling you, Ben is the one you should be with.
[WILL EXITS HIS APARTMENT AND LOOKS INTO GRACE'S APARTMENT. GRACE IS SITTING ON A CHAIR WITH JACK SITTING IN FRONT OF THE CHAIR. JACK IS FILING GRACE'S TOENAILS WHILE GRACE PLAYS WITH HIS HAIR.]
GRACE: Right, right. Of course.
JACK: Besides, there's something about Josh... I don't-- I can't put my finger on it.
GRACE: But Will thinks I should dump Ben.
JACK: Why are you even listening to him? I mean, Will's not thinking straight. (Ha ha.) You cannot have that much fat sucked out and function normally. I'm telling you, Ben is the way to go.
GRACE: You know what? I think you're right. It feels right. You are so good at this.
JACK: Well...
GRACE: Who's my good boy? [GRACE RUBS JACK'S BELLY] Who's my good boy?! Who's my boy?!
JACK: Ha ha! Stop it! Stop it! Ha ha!
SCENE VI: Will's Apartment
(The next morning. WILL is reading the newspaper, while JACK looks over his shoulder eating a bag of potato chips.)
JACK: Ooh, he's cute. [READING THE HEADLINE] "Texas to execute another inmate." I do love them bad boys. [CRUNCHES POTATO CHIPS]
WILL: Well, you can read it later when I line your cage with it.
JACK: Ooh. Barracuda. What crawled up your culottes?
WILL: Nothing crawled up my culottes. It's just that you're two inches from my ear polluting my brain with your inane ramblings and buzzing through those chips like some queer gopher.
JACK: All right, I get it. I get it. It's the surgery. You know, Grace told me her mom was a little testy, too, after her first... [PULLS HIS FACE SKIN BACK]
WILL: No, no, no. I'm not testy. All right? What are you talking about? Bobbi Adler never had a face-lift.
JACK: [SCOFFS] Uh, yes, she did. Grace told me.
WILL: She told you her mom had a face-lift?
JACK: Yeah. [RAISING AN EYEBROW] You didn't know that?
WILL: Of course I knew that. I just didn't think it was something that she would tell you.
[WILL GETS THE DUST BUSTER AND VACCUUMS UP THE CHIP CRUMBS.]
JACK: If you knew that, then why did you just say you didn't?
WILL: You know what? Forget it. Just take your crayons and go practice your lower-case letters.
JACK: Hey, don't go ridin' around on your huffy bike just because Grace tells me things she doesn't tell you.
WILL: Grace doesn't tell you anything.
JACK: Ah...[breathless laughter] Sure, she does. Yeah. We spent a lot of time together while you were away, mister! I bet you I know more about Grace than you do.
WILL: Ha. I am not gonna play that game with you. What's her middle name?
JACK: That's easy. It's...[MUMBLING]
WILL: I'm sorry. It's what?
JACK: It's [MUMBLING] ja--sam.
WILL: Did you say julia?
JACK: Ah, yes, I did.
WILL: Well, it's not. It's Elizabeth. Because her mother loves Elizabeth Taylor.
JACK: Well, whoop-de-damn-doo! Doesn't say anything about who she is.
WILL: Ok. What was her saddest childhood moment?
JACK: I don't know.
WILL: When she discovered that hamsters can't fly. What was her nickname in junior high?
JACK: I don't know.
WILL: Gross Adler. What was her first method of birth control?
JACK: I don't know.
WILL: Prayer.
JACK: What does she want name her first daughter?
WILL: Ha! That's-- I don't know.
JACK: Lilly! Ha ha! [DOES A LITTLE DANCE] Spelled with 2 Ls but still pronounced lily.
WILL: Lilly.
JACK: Yes! It's her great-grandmother's name, it's her favorite flower, and we planted a whole box of them outside her bedroom window while you were away having three of your chins sucked out! But you didn't know that, did you?! Ll-ll-ll-ll! Pfft!
WILL: This is stupid. Get away from me!
JACK: Aww! So sad! So pathétique. Poor Will just found himself à pied de terre on la rue de la pathétique.
WILL: Your mother took the straps off your bed about 20 years too early.
SCENE VII: Grace Adler Designs
(KAREN and GRACE are talking about her time in the Virgin Islands.)
GRACE: How was it?
KAREN: Oh, it was ok. It was mostly business. Stan gave me a monkey, though. Heh heh. Sweet little thing. Bit of a biter. Gave Rosario a nasty little ass hickey! Ha ha ha ha! [GRABBING HER STOMACH IN PAIN] Oh! Ooh! Ooh!
GRACE: You ok?
KAREN: Uh...yeah. Ever since I've been back, I've been getting these shooting pains.
GRACE: Well, have you done anything unusual since you've gotten home? Eaten? Loved? Worked?
KAREN: Well, let me see. We landed. We got our bags. Rosario took the fall for some black pearls I was smuggling. I went home, greeted the kids warmly over the intercom.... No. Nothing out of the ordinary.
GRACE: Rosario was arrested?
KAREN: Yeah. She's in a holding cell in Queens! Ha ha ha ha-- Oh-oh-oh! [GRABBING HER STOMACH IN PAIN] Ooh! Ooh!
GRACE: Wait! Wait, wait. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Because of something you did, Rosario was arrested?
KAREN: [PAIN] Oh! Honey, who gives a crap about my maid? My tummy hurts!
GRACE: Have you noticed that every time I mention her name you grab your stomach? [KAREN SEARCHES FOR PILLS]
KAREN: What? Whose name?
GRACE: Rosario.
KAREN: [PAIN] Ooh!
GRACE: Rosario.
KAREN: [PAIN] Ooh!
GRACE: Rosario.
KAREN: [DOUBLED OVER] Ooh! Knock it off!
GRACE: What you're feeling are pangs of guilt.
KAREN: What?
GRACE: Guilt. Oh, boy. Ok. How am I gonna explain this one? Uh...guilt is an emotion that-- Ok. Jumping ahead. An emotion is something that I--
KAREN: Hey, hey, hey. Come on! I know what guilt is. It's one of those touchy-feely words that people throw around that don't really mean anything... You know, like "maternal" or "addiction."
[KAREN POPS SOME PILLS AND TAKES A DRINK OF WATER.]
GRACE: Rosario.
KAREN: [SPITTING OUT THE WATER] Oh!
GRACE: Go get her out of jail!
KAREN: I'm not going to Queens! There are people living in cabs down there! Let her tunnel her way out!
GRACE: Ok. Fine. Don't get her. I'm sure you'll find someone else who'll clean your house and love your kids and cream Stan's liver spots and...
[THE DOOR SLAMS]
GRACE: Like a puppet on a string.
SCENE VIII: Will's Apartment
(WILL is gathering his plants, trimming and watering them when GRACE enters.)
GRACE: Hey, what are you doing?
WILL: All my plants died. I told Jack to water them while I was away. But I can see how he might hear that as "fill up my hard drive with Internet porn."
GRACE: What's the matter? Why are you pouting?
WILL: I'm not pouting.
GRACE: Hey, I watch "Ally McBeal." I know what pouting looks like. You're pouting.
WILL: I heard you and Jack in your apartment last night.
GRACE: What? Oh... So now you're worried that Jack's my new you?
WILL: Ha! I don't... maybe...
GRACE: Oh, my God. Could you be any cuter?
WILL: Grace!
GRACE: Oh, I'm sorry. I just love not being the insecure wreck for once.
WILL: My feelings aren't cute, ok? I'm not the youngest brother on "Eight is Enough." How can you like Jack better than me?
GRACE: Are kidding me with this? We've been best friends for 15 years. Do you really need me to tell you how much you mean to me?
WILL: I do it for you like every 5 minutes.
GRACE: No, you don't!
WILL: Grace, I have to talk you off a ledge every time the Starbucks lady gives me extra foam!
GRACE: Well, clearly there's something going on there. I mean, the two of you have your own language.
WILL: Grace, it's called a macchiato.
GRACE: All right. What do you want me to say?
WILL: I don't know! How about something like... Like you need me more than anybody else... There's no one that could ever take my place... And then that, you know, you promise when your last breath escapes you in this earthly life, it will whisper my name. [WHISPERS] Will... But, you know, in your own words.
GRACE: What does this say to you? [GRACE HOLDS UP HER ELBOW TO WILL'S FACE.]
WILL: That you're out of Skin-So-Soft?
GRACE: The scar, Will. Remember?
WILL: Oh, right. That's from when your sister was sleepwalking and thought you were a salami.
GRACE: That's on my thigh.
WILL: Right.
GRACE: No. This scar is from junior year when Scott Kelly dumped you. Remember? I jumped on my moped, ran over to your dorm, hit a patch of ice, and flew into that stupid men's singing group.
WILL: Right. The A Cappellicans. God, they sucked.
GRACE: The point is... My love for you is like this scar... Ugly but permanent. So as long as this is on my elbow, you've got nothing to worry about.
WILL: Ok.
GRACE: And you know what else?
WILL: What? [GRACE SMACKS THE BACK OF WILL'S HEAD] Ow! What?! What'd you do that for?!
GRACE: Don't you ever leave for the months without telling me.
WILL: Sorry. Can I say one last thing about Josh? I think you should reconsider. I know he's not as exciting as Ben, but the man loves you.
JACK: [ENTERING] Grace, I have to tell you something right away.
WILL: [TO JACK] Hold on. We're talking. [TO GRACE] Josh is kind. He's compassionate-- All the things you've ever said were important to you.
JACK: No, no, no. You should break it off with Josh.
GRACE: Jack, you know, Will has a point, so maybe I should just think about Josh a little more.
JACK: He doesn't. You don't. Dump him.
WILL: Jack, just because I say one thing doesn't mean you automatically have to take the contrary position. This is about what's best for Grace, and I think--
JACK: I screwed around with Josh.
WILL: You should probably go with Ben.
GRACE: W-w-what?!
JACK: Yeah, well, remember how I said there was something about Josh I couldn't put my finger on? Well... I... Put my finger on it. Sorry! [JACK MAKES A QUICK RETREAT.]
WILL: Ooh... [WILL HUGS GRACE] We had a saying on the Island. "Maka maka lana... Lana makalui..."
GRACE: What does that mean?
WILL: I don't know. I just can't believe you ended up with another gay guy! It's so sad. [LAUGHS AS GRACE PUSHES HIM AWAY]
SCENE IX: The back of Karen's Limousine
(KAREN has picked up ROSARIO. KAREN is pouring herself a drink.)
KAREN: Oh, honey, what an ordeal. You should be down on your knees giving thanks to Saint Hootchy-Kootchy or whatever coconut shell your people pray to that you didn't have to go through that! Wow! And while you were busy yapping it up with the she-man of Cell Block H, I was doing double-time at the mans. You know I actually had to read to the kids last night? I didn't know what in hell to do, so I read 'em the warning label on my Dalmane! Ha ha ha ha ha! Oh, God-- Oh, but listen to me goin' on like this. It's terrible! I haven't even given you a chance to thank me for springing you outta Oz!
[ROSARIO REACHES OVER AND BEGINS CHOKING KAREN]
KAREN: Oh, honey, watch it! My drink! My drink! My drink! Honey! Honey! Honey, honey, hey!