Original Airdate 5/23/2000
Part 1 Written by David Kohan & Max Mutchnick
Part 2 Written by Jeff Greenstein
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Gregory Hines (Ben Doucette)
Shelley Morrison (Rosario McFarland)
Corey Parker (Josh)
Marshall Manesh (Mr. Zamir)
Richard Gross (Frank)
Gorden Owens (Servant)
Michael Edward Thomas (Caribbean Houseboy)
Pablo Cartaya (Fernando)
Jo Marie Payton (Mrs. Freeman)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
(GRACE and WILL are sitting on the couch reading the newspaper.)
GRACE: Melanie Weaver is getting married? I went to college with her. What does it mean when lesbians are getting married before me?
WILL: Look at that. I'm 5 for 5.
GRACE: What's that?
WILL: It's this test, the Five Pillars of Happiness. It's supposed to determine the level of contentment in your life. And it comes with a lotion sample, so you know it's scientific.
GRACE: I can't believe you would evaluate your life based on something in the Lifestyle section. Ok, that was obligatory. Bring it on.
WILL: Ok, the first pillar is health. I gave myself a big yes, 'cause I just had my physical. Everything's where it's supposed to be. I'm running every day and, well...look at those calves. It's like my knee swallowed a grapefruit. Your turn.
GRACE: I think I'm hypoglycemic. I'm always tired, and I can't poop.
WILL: I would give that a No. Ok, pillar number 2 is family. That's a big Yes. You?
GRACE: Well, let's see. My mother's idea of bonding is making me scratch her back. And for my last birthday, my father gave me gum.
WILL: That's another No for Grace. Moving on. Love life. Another No for Grace.
GRACE: Excuse me! No. You can mark that Yes, thank you. Josh and I are doing great. I mean, it's not perfect, but we care about each other very much.
JOSH: [OPENING THE DOOR] Grace? Hey, what are you doing? You left an hour ago to get bagels.
GRACE: Here. [GRACE THROWS A BAG TO JOSH] Toast 'em up. I'll be back in 15.
JOSH: Ok, honey. Uh...your laundry's almost done. [JOSH EXITS.]
GRACE: Well, you get a No on love life, too.
WILL: Actually, I haven't told you this yet, but there's this lawyer, Alex. We've only had one date, but I'm already seeing 2.5 jack russell terriers and his and his SUVs in my future.
GRACE: Yeah, yeah. Ok. Next.
WILL: Ok. Pillar number 4. Friendships.
GRACE: Ok! Now we're talking!
WILL: No, no, no. Note the "S." friendships. They're talking more than just you and me.
GRACE: This test sucks.
WILL: And the final pillar is Work. I love my job.
GRACE: I work with a lush who insults me.
WILL: Ok. Final tally is... Will: [SING-SONG] Dee diddle-ee-dee-dee! Grace: [SING-SONG] Wah wah wahh.
GRACE: You are not that happy. I've known you a very long time. There's always something bugging you. Come on. Think hard. What is rotten in your life?
WILL: I don't know. I mean, my life is-- Ok, actually, there is something. I don't like how you stopped having lunch with me at my office.
GRACE: Well, you know why that is. I hate the view.
WILL: Really? I thought it was because you hated Ben.
GRACE: That's what I meant. The view of Ben.
WILL: Ok, tell you what. We'll have him over, I'll make dinner, and all you have to make is nice. Think you can do that?
GRACE: I can make nice. I'm always nice.
JOSH: [OPENING THE DOOR] Sweetie, the bagels are ready.
GRACE: Call me when they're cream-cheesed.
JOSH: Love you.
SCENE II: Grace Adler Designs
(KAREN is talking to Cook on the phone.)
KAREN: [INTO PHONE] And, Cook, listen, tell Butler to tell Gardener to stay out of my kitchen. Yeah. If he wants a snack, he can root around on the terrace for grubs and berries like the rest of the help. You get back to work! [HANGS UP]
JACK: Hey, Kare bear. Something's bothering me. Can we talk?
KAREN: Sure, honey. Hey, are you wearing makeup?
JACK: Nothing really. Just a little man-tan.
KAREN: Yeah. Eyelashes look good, too.
JACK: Thanks. I'm wearing individuals. I'm concerned. Um... Does Rosario seem... different to you?
KAREN: Come to think of it, she sent me to work today with a juice box. I guess that means Mason went to school with a thermos full of Stoli.
JACK: She's distant. She's distracted. She's getting a little handsy in her sleep. Last night, she rolled over and shook hands with master Harold and the boys. And let me tell you, they were not amused.
KAREN: I know, honey, but listen, it's been my experience that when problems arise between a husband and wife, one should never point the finger of blame because it's always the husband's fault.
JACK: Oh! I know what it is! [SMACKING HIS FOREHEAD] Doilet toilet! I forgot our anniversary. How insensitive of me. This is my wife, my significant otra.
KAREN: That's good, honey. Why don't you just run home right now and tell her how much she means to you.
JACK: I would, but I have a date with Fernando.
KAREN: Well, then why don't you just pick up a little something and bring it to her tonight--something she'd love, like pork or Tinactin.
JACK: No, not that. It has to be a more meaningful gift. I don't know. What's the traditional first anniversary gift?
KAREN: Oh, let me try to remember. Uh... For my first anniversary, I got... a million dollars in cash... Paper! It's paper.
JACK: Paper? Paper is so blah. Let me tell ya, when the gays can get married, that's the first thing that goes.
SCENE III: Will's Apartment
(WILL, GRACE, and BEN are having dinner.)
GRACE: So we're at this dim sum restaurant downtown, and they have this thing called bao--
BEN: Yes. I know what bao is. I spent the summer at the culinary institute in Hong Kong. Personally, I prefer har gaw.
GRACE: Ok. Not the point of the story.
WILL: Anyway... So... She decides to have some fun with the waiter. So she says, what are these white, puffy things? And he says, "bao."
GRACE: So I do. [GRACE BOWS] Ok, but what are they called?
GRACE: [BOWING] Ok, but what are they called?
WILL: Bao! She said it like 5 or 6 times.
[WILL AND GRACE LAUGH.]
GRACE: [TO BEN, WHO IS NOT LAUGHING] It was a very funny story.
BEN: I guess the humor was derived from two things-- One, that the two words sounded the same, Two, that you made fun of someone who doesn't speak English very well.
GRACE: Funny people think it's funny.
BEN: Really? How would you know?
GRACE: You know what, Benjamin--
BEN: What do you want me to say? Bow wow?
WILL: Now, don't make me turn this car around, or we're going home without ice cream!
WILL: [ANSWERING PHONE] Hello? Hi, Alex. I was just thinking about you. Ok, I wasn't, but I certainly am now. Let me take this outside.
[WILL EXITS TO THE BALCONY.]
GRACE: [SCOFFS, LAUGHS, SNORTS] It bugs you, doesn't it?
GRACE: When you're not the center of attention. It kills you. I can tell.
BEN: You think so?
GRACE: Mmm-hm. I know you, Ben. You're so focused on yourself and your whole Ben Doucette thing. But do you ever think about anyone else? Have you ever stopped to ask someone else what's up?
BEN: What's up, Grace? [BEN SMILES]
GRACE: A-ha ha, ho ho ho, No. I don't think so. That's not gonna work with me. We're talking about you.
BEN: All right, fine. What do you want to know?
GRACE: How about something real... Something that doesn't involve the words Porsche, beach house, or what's-her-name?
BEN: Hmm. Ok. Something real. Well, I've been married twice. First, to the love of my life who died 10 years ago, then to a woman who reminded me of my first wife but was, I found out, nothing like her. I have 2 beautiful kids, one who's crazy about me and one who's not. And somehow, driving my Porsche to my beach house with what's-her-name doesn't quite make up for the fact that the things I really want in my life are exactly what's missing from it.
GRACE: Wow. Is that true?
BEN: All but the Porsche part. I drive a Mercedes now. S-Class. Any more questions, Grace?
GRACE: Um... How's the lamb? I made it, you know.
BEN: It's really good, Grace. It's good.
WILL: [ENTERING] Date number two is set. The romance pillar is a little firmer. Let me rephrase that. Uh-oh. Grace, you didn't tell the irregular panty-hose story, did you?
SCENE IV: Karen's Penthouse
(JACK and his date FERNANDO enter the laundry room, right outside ROSARIO AND JACK's bedroom. JACK is carrying a bouquet of roses and a roll of paper towels.)
JACK: [SINGING] There was something in the air that night, the stars were bright Fernando.
JACK: You know what? Who needs brains when you can lick your own eyebrows?
FERNANDO: [WITH ACCENT] Why did jou give the flowers to the womens? Jou like the mens.
JACK: Pfft. Nando. Poor, naive Nando. See, Rosario married me to get a green card. But as long as I'm married to her, I get a platinum card, a Barney's card, and a Hallmark card that says, "Welcome to easy street!" So I gotta keep the little woman happy. Now let me just give these to my wife, then we'll go make out.
[JACK ENTERS THE BEDROOM. ROSARIO IS IN BED, READING.]
ROSARIO: Cha-cha, what are you doing home? I thought you had a date with Dennis.
JACK: Sss! Kuh! Pfft! Not till 10:00. Anyway, Rosie, um... I know you're upset because I forgot our anniversary, but I'm just hoping that this will make up for it. [JACK GIVES ROSARIO THE FLOWERS]
ROSARIO: Oh, so sweet!
JACK: And since paper is the traditional first anniversary gift...
ROSARIO: Oh, Bounty! Now I can cross it off my list.
JACK: Happy anniversary, Rosebud. Don't wait up. [JACK EXITS, CLOSING THE DOOR]
GARDENER: [POPPING OUT FROM UNDER THE BLANKET] Is it safe?
ROSARIO: My husband's gone, but I would not say that it is safe, my little cup of crema de cacahuete. [ROSARIO AND GARDENER KISS.]
JACK: [OPENING THE DOOR] Can I have some cash-- [GASPING, HORRIFIED] Jennifer Love Hewitt! What the hell's going on here?!
ROSARIO: What can I say, chica? The heart wants what it wants.
JACK: But you and Gardener?
ROSARIO: We're in love. We wanna get married.
JACK: Well...I guess it's clear. I'm the only one in this relationship who values the sanctity of marriage. Come on, Fernando! [JACK EXITS]
SCENE V: Will and Grace's Apartment Building
(WILL opens the door. There is a large vase of flowers outside GRACE's door. Neighbor MR. ZAMIR is bent over reading the card on the flowers.)
WILL: Mr. Zamir? Mr. Zamir!
MR. ZAMIR: What? What?
WILL: What are you doing?
MR. ZAMIR: Nothing. I was walking... my dog.
WILL: What dog? Where did he go?
MR. ZAMIR: [LOOKS AROUND, MAKES KISSING SOUNDS] Doggy, doggy, doggy. Doggy, doggy, doggy.
WILL: You were hunched over, reading a personal card to Grace.
MR. ZAMIR: I would never do something like that. It is wrong.
WILL: I'm glad you realize that.
MR. ZAMIR: So she slept with a guy named Ben last night.
WILL: Let me see that! [WILL RUNS TO THE FLOWERS AND GRABS THE CARD]
MR. ZAMIR: That's a filthy note. But also tender and gentle in spots. That Ben is a smooth operator.
WILL: Grace and Ben?
[GRACE OPENS THE DOOR UNEXPECTEDLY, AND WILL HIDES THE CARD BEHIND HIS BACK.]
GRACE: Will... What are you doing?
WILL: I was helping Mr. Zamir look for his dog.
MR. ZAMIR: I don't have a dog. [MR. ZAMIR EXITS DOWN THE HALL.]
WILL: [TO GRACE] You and Ben?
GRACE: Hey, you were the one who wanted us to make nice. We did. We made nice. Twice.
WILL: You are unbelievable.
GRACE: [IMITATING MAE WEST] You know you're the second guy to tell me that in the last 12 hours? Come on, laugh.
WILL: Grace, he's my boss.
GRACE: Obviously I didn't plan this thing with Ben. It just happened. It was just this wild, chemical ripping off of a pair of $50 panties kinda thing.
WILL: Thank you, Grace. That'll go next to the visual of my grandmother getting out of the tub.
GRACE: Don't make me feel bad about this. Ben's a great guy. Besides, you have all 5 pillars of happiness. Let me have this one.
WILL: But my boss? I mean, did you stop for one minute to-- You know what? I'm not gonna do this. This is your life, your decision. Enjoy it.
GRACE: Oh, Will. The passive-aggressive gay man. It's been done.
WILL: No, no, no. This is relaxed-fit gay man. I'm serious. I'm adding a whole new choice for this conversation. See Ben. Honestly. It's fine.
GRACE: All right. I'm gonna take you at your word. 'Cause I do wanna keep seeing him.
WILL: Good. Terrific. Have fun. Just leave me out of it. Last thing I need in my life right now is somebody else's drama.
[GRACE OPENS THE DOOR, JACK IS THERE.]
JACK: [ENTERING, SCREAMING HIGH-PITCHED] My wife is cheating on me! My life is ruined! Will, help me!
GRACE: Enter the drama queen. Exit the neighbor. [GRACE EXITS.]
JACK: [TO WILL] Can you believe this? She wants to divorce me and marry Gardener. I'm out on the street.
WILL: That's--that's shocking. Is there any way you can tell me about this without screeching like a howler monkey?
JACK: [HIGH-PITCHED SCREECHING] You know what? I don't need you! I have plenty of friends who would be more than happy to help me through this! Good-bye!
WILL: You don't even pretend to leave anymore, do you?
JACK: This is serious, Will. I am about to lose everything, and I have a dog and a bird to support.
WILL: Jack, it was a sham marriage, you-- What are you gonna do? Take Karen to court and demand she keep you in the lifestyle to which you've become accustomed?
JACK: I'm not talking about-- I don't-- Can I really do that?
SCENE VI: The Offices of Doucette and Stein, Will's Office
(BEN's assistant, MRS. FREEMAN interrupts WILL as he works.)
MRS. FREEMAN: Mr. Doucette said that you should review the Blumen file.
WILL: Where is it?
MRS. FREEMAN: I don't know. Why don't you ask his assistant?
WILL: You are his assistant.
MRS. FREEMAN: I just said I didn't know.
WILL: Wow. Is that your fun side? I'm just asking, 'cause I wouldn't want to miss it.
[CUT TO THE CONFERENCE ROOM. BEN AND GRACE ARE DANCING ON THE CONFERENCE TABLE TO A SAXOPHONE PLAYING "IT HAD TO BE YOU".]
BEN: You should consider yourself lucky.
GRACE: And why is that?
BEN: 'Cause I get about $500 an hour for the work I do at this table.
GRACE: That's it? I wouldn't get out of bed for $500.
BEN: Really? Will you take a check?
GRACE: [LAUGHS] All right. You either just said something very romantic or you called me a prostitute. Whatever. It sounded good.
[BEN DIPS GRACE]
[WILL OPENS THE CONFERENCE ROOM DOOR AS BEN IS DIPPING GRACE.]
BEN: How you doing, Truman?
GRACE: Hi, Will.
BEN: What can I do for you?
WILL: Oh, I was just looking for the Blumen file, but, uh, hey. Mr. Blumen can wait. One more day in a Turkish prison never hurt anybody.
BEN: Ok, ok. I'll get it for you. It's in my office. Do you want to cut in?
WILL: Oh, no, thank you. I would rather not.
BEN: Oh, come on. Cut in. This lady's gotta dance. [BEN CLIMBS OFF THE TABLE AND EXITS] See you later, sweetheart. You, too, Grace.
GRACE: Oh, please, with the look. How many times did I have to watch you and Michael do Summer Lovin' from Grease?
WILL: I don't know. I was looking at your skirt. Shouldn't you be on the dashboard of a cab going... [IMITATES A HULA-GIRL DASHBOARD TRINKET]
GRACE: Oh, it's amazing, you know, when things are working in the relationship department. All those other pillars just fall into place. Me and my family are getting along, I'm loving my job again.
WILL: Now, what about your health?
GRACE: Health's better, too, but that's not Ben, that's bran.
SCENE VII: Grace Adler Designs
(JACK enters, interrupting GRACE and KAREN.)
JACK: Hello, Karen. Hello, Grace. I am here on business.
KAREN: All right. Put me down for 2 boxes of the Thin Mints.
JACK: Ok. Different business.
GRACE: Damn. Now I want a cookie. I'll be back. [GRACE EXITS.]
JACK: [TO KAREN] This is in regard to the very tragic and devastating collapse of my marriage to Rosario.
KAREN: Yeah, well, it's the laughter you'll remember, honey. Let's go buy makeup.
JACK: And even though one could never put a price on the pain and suffering this has cost me... One has. [JACK HANDS KAREN A PIECE OF PAPER.]
KAREN: Jack? I don't read. I'm read to. Okay.
JACK: Very well. [READING] "Item one. $500,000 paid to me by you over the next 4 years, preferably in 50s. Item two. A Shetland pony died powder blue to match my eyes. Item three. Powder blue eyes. Item four--"
KAREN: Wait a minute. Wait a minute, Blanche. I'm still on item one. $500,000 in 50s?
JACK: Yeah, I've always been turned on by one Benji Franklin. He wasn't afraid to wear his hair up and away from the face.
KAREN: Franklin's on the hundred, you mook. And where do you get off asking me for 500 k? Do you know how many times I had to "Oh, oh, oh, oh, my God, Stan! Aah! Aah!" to get that?
JACK: Well, we did have a contract. I gave you a year of my life so Rosario could stay in the country. I don't think a trust fund and a Corvette is too much to ask for.
KAREN: Are you kidding me with this? I plucked you out of a 4-by-4 hovel above a blinking light in Times Square, and put you in a 6-by-6 maid's quarters on Park Avenue, and this is the thanks I get?
JACK: [GASPS] Hey. You got something out of this too, missy. Who read Valley of the Dolls to your kids every night? Who distracted Stan for you on oyster Tuesdays? Me. It was me. [SCREAMING HIGH-PITCHED] Now, I want my $500,000 in 50s! 50s with Ben Franklin on them!
KAREN: You know, you should think very carefully about what you're asking for, Ms. Gurley Brown. You've got a good thing going here, and if you think that you can just shamelessly siphon cash off of a loved one like I'm doing with my husband, you've got another think coming.
JACK: I want my money!
KAREN: You ain't getting 88 cents from me, Rose.
JACK: Very well. I will see you in court. By the way, your boobs look great today.
KAREN: It's a custom-made Jean Claude, it just came in from Paris yesterday. Now get out of here!
SCENE VIII: The Offices of Doucette and Stein, Will's Office
(JACK is getting WILL's advice on his divorce settlement.)
WILL: And at that point, the arbitrator will hear your side and Karen's side, and then he'll render his decision, but, Jack, you've got to be more reasonable in your demands. You can't, for instance, ask for [READING] "all of Karen's camisoles." Why do you want them, anyway?
JACK: For Halloween. Me and 12 of my gym buddies want to go as an East Side brothel.
WILL: And you will never get this amount of money.
JACK: Well, I--I know it was a little excessive, but then just give me enough for the essentials, ok, like food, clothing, and bikini waxes.
WILL: Well, that one's good. That way, we all win.
WILL: [ANSWERING PHONE] Hello? Alex, hi. I'm so sorry about last night. I couldn't get out. Tomorrow, brunch? I will be there. I will absolutely be there. Ok, bye. [HANGS UP]
[JACK IS FLIRTING WITH THE MAIL GUY IN THE HALLWAY OUTSIDE WILL'S OFFICE.]
WILL: Jack. He's straight and married.
JACK: Yeah, so am I.
[A SAXOPHONE PLAYING "IT HAD TO BE YOU" CAN BE HEARD.]
WILL: Oh, good. Grace is here. I'm gonna go tell her about Alex.
JACK: Oh. You gotta go tell your wife about your boyfriend. Pfft.
WILL: When you said that. You looked just like a woman.
[WILL OPENS THE CONFERENCE ROOM DOOR.]
WILL: Gracie. Good news.
[BEN IS DANCING ON THE CONFERENCE TABLE--WITH SOMEONE ELSE!]
WILL: Oh, you're not Gracie, and this is not good news.
SCENE IX: Will's Apartment
(WILL is in the kitchen making pancakes.)
[TELEPHONE RINGS. WILL ANSWERS IT ON SPEAKERPHONE.]
WILL: [TOWARDS PHONE] Hello?
ALEX'S VOICE: Hey, it's Alex. Where are you?
WILL: [WINCES] Ooh. Were we having brunch today? I thought we were meeting for brunch on your birthday.
ALEX'S VOICE: Today is my birthday.
WILL: [WINCES] Ooh. I've got to break some really bad news to a friend of mine. Is there any way we could reschedule your birthday? 'Cause you know, you seem more like a Libra to me, anyway.
ALEX'S VOICE: Ok, Will. Why don't you just tell me now? You're actually a straight, married man with three kids who has no intention of ever dating me again.
WILL: Nothing could be further from the truth.
GRACE: [ENTERING] Good morning, sweetie. Oh, my god. Is that bacon? I love you, I love you, I love you!
WILL: Alex, I'll call you back tonight. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. [WILL HANGS UP THE PHONE]
GRACE: What's going on? Bacon, pancakes, if you put a chocolate chip smiley face on them, this would be the meal that you made to cheer me up. [THE PANCAKES HAVE A SMILEY FACE] But I don't need cheering up. Ask me why. Ok, here's a hint. Check the outfit.
WILL: You picked up a shift at Long John Silver's?
GRACE: I'm going yachting. Yes, that's right. I yacht now.
WILL: But you're Jewish.
GRACE: Hello? Have you ever heard of a little boat called The Ark? Did I mention that it's Ben's yacht?
WILL: Yeah, uh--uh--uh, about Ben--
GRACE: Oh, thanks. Yeah, I should carbo load. Drinking martinis and having sunscreen applied to your back really takes it out of you.
WILL: Remember when you first met Ben how you really, really hated him?
GRACE: Yeah. Now, I really, really like him. Yeah. You know what else I really, really like? Bacon. Where are you hiding it, chief?
WILL: Remember how you said he was--he was slick and slippery, and you wouldn't trust him as far as you could throw a knish? Remember that?
GRACE: I guess I was wrong. Gosh, Will, it is so great to date a guy who's grown up, who's secure with who he is, who isn't emotionally needy, who owns a big-ass yacht.
WILL: I don't know. You are a pretty good judge of people. You know, you--you hated Dr. Laura long before the rest of the world did.
GRACE: Ok. Taking these to go.
WILL: What? Why?
GRACE: I'm not gonna let you do that thing where you chip away at a guy I'm dating. I start to question him, we break up, and then I'm back to flirting with the manager of Blockbuster again.
WILL: No. I'm just trying to--
GRACE: Just try to be happy for me, ok? That's what friends do. Friends don't judge, and friends don't criticize. And most importantly, friends do not let me leave the house looking like the little boy on the Crackerjack box. My God. What the hell were you thinking?
SCENE X: The Offices of Doucette and Stein, Will's Office
(BEN interrupts WILL as he works. MRS. FREEMAN hands BEN a cup of coffee as he enters.)
BEN: Will? I need to see you for a moment.
WILL: Oh, great. I need to see you, too.
MRS. FREEMAN: [TO BEN] Can I get you anything else?
BEN: No, thanks.
WILL: [TO MRS. FREEMAN] I'd like a Diet Coke. No ice.
MRS. FREEMAN: I'd like a date with Denzel, but that's not gonna happen, either. [MRS. FREEMAN EXITS.]
WILL: Look... Ben, I'm--I'm in an awkward position here.
BEN: I know, so I'm gonna make this easy for you. This inappropriate behavior is gonna stop immediately before someone gets hurt.
WILL: Wow. I--I couldn't agree more.
BEN: Good. I'm glad we talked about this.
WILL: Yeah. So, you'll stop?
BEN: Why would I stop? I'm not the one representing Jack against our client Karen Walker.
WILL: No, you're the one who's cheating on Grace.
BEN: Is that what we're talking about?
BEN: Then why are we still holding hands? Will, I really don't see where this thing with Grace is any of your business.
WILL: Really? Well, give me a second. Uh, my boss plus my best friend divided by "should be on the table," yeah. That comes out to my business.
BEN: Check your math. You work for my business, a business which bills seven figures a year from Walker, Inc. So, if you're gonna be representing anybody, you're gonna be representing them.
WILL: No, I'm not.
BEN: Yes, you are.
WILL: No, I'm not.
BEN: Yes, you are.
WILL: No, I'm not.
BEN: You know, it's kind of ironic. 35 years of legal experience between us, and this is the way we argue. And, yes, you are!
WILL: No, I'm not! Forget it! You want to talk of a conflict of interest, that's one thing, but I am not going down that road again where you pit me against one of my friends.
BEN: Will, I hate to reopen an old discussion, but, yes, you are!
WILL: So, basically, you're taking my 2 best friends, screwing over one of them, and telling me I have to screw over the other. It's amazing, all this screwing. You'd think somebody would be happy.
BEN: Here is your problem, Will. You've let your personal life interfere with your business life. Now, I take some responsibility here. After all, I am schtooping your best friend. But you have to set boundaries.
WILL: You know what? You're absolutely right, and I'm about to set a very big boundary. I quit.
BEN: No, you don't.
WILL: Oh, yes, I do! [WILL EXITS TO HIS OFFICE, SLAMMING THE DOOR.]
SCENE XI: Karen's Penthouse, Maids Quarter's
(JACK is telling KLAUS VON PUPPY and GUAPO about the divorce.)
JACK: There's something I need to tell you. Mommy and daddy... Well. We've decided to live apart. Now, this doesn't mean we don't love you. In fact, it was because of you that we stayed together as long as we did. But in this crazy, mixed-up world, how long can a marriage between a Salvadoran maid and a West Village singer/actor/dancer/choreographer last?
JACK: Now, it's not your fault, ok? It's not anyone's fault, but let's face it. Mommy's a whore. Mommy cheated on daddy, and Mommy's going to hell.
KAREN: [ENTERING] Hey, poodle.
JACK: What the hell are you doing here?! Isn't it enough you destroyed me in arbitration today? You have to come and gloat over your victory?
KAREN: Oh, Jack. I wouldn't do that. [BEAT] ... [LAUGHING] You know I can't hide anything from you. You got nothing! Nothing!
JACK: Go ahead. Laugh. Laugh at my pain. But I'll be the one who laughs last.
KAREN: No, you won't.
JACK: No, I won't.
KAREN: Yeah. But really, honey, is there anything I can do to make you feel better?
JACK: You could apologize.
KAREN: Oh, I don't want to set a precedent, but listen, I'll tell you what I will do. On your way out, Security Guard is gonna frisk you to make sure you didn't take any silverware. [KAREN EXITS BACK TO THE LAUNDRY ROOM]
JACK: [SHAKING HIS FIST] Hateful! I should haul you back to court for slander.
[CUT TO THE LAUNDRY ROOM OUTSIDE JACK AND ROSARIO'S BEDROOM. WILL ENTERS.]
WILL: [ENTERING] Karen.
KAREN: Who let you in?
WILL: Your butler.
KAREN: You mean ex-butler.
WILL: Speaking of exes, you know what's nice? Being your ex-lawyer. Yeah. Not having to kiss your ass and pretend you're interesting is gonna free up a lot of my time. I might even learn a language.
KAREN: Honey? If you look inside this bag, I'm giving you a little sign language right now.
WILL: [ENTERING THE BEDROOM] Hey, Jack.
JACK: Oh, hey, Will. Hi. I just want to thank you so much for your fine work at arbitration today. It was so nice. Oh, wait a minute. That wasn't you. That was the opposing counsel.
WILL: I'm sorry. I--I just have a lot on my mind, and my life is in a very weird place right now.
JACK: Well, boo-raggly-hoo, lady. My freakin' world is collapsing.
WILL: Then why did you bring a date to your divorce hearing? [IMITATING FERNANDO] I'm bored, Yack. Let's go get a grape juice.
JACK: Nando is my rock. Mmm. And when we're at a better place, I have stuff to tell you. It's like the man does not have hamstrings. But back to the point. I am out on the street, and it's all your fault. [TO KLAUS AND GUAPO] I'm sorry, children. I don't want you to see daddy cry. [JACK TURNS HIS BACK, CRYING.]
WILL: Jack. I'm sorry. How can I help? What can I do?
SCENE XII: Will's Apartment
(The theme from "The Odd Couple" plays. As in the opening of "The Odd Couple:" JACK exits the elevator, carrying his luggage, complete with GUAPO and KLAUS. WILL opens the door and lets him in.)
WILL: Can 2 gay men share an apartment without driving each other crazy? [GUAPO SQUAKS AND KLAUS BARKS] Probably not.
[LATER. JACK HAS MOVED HIS STUFF IN.]
JACK: Well, it's not the Four Seasons, but, since life has given me lemons, I will drink your lemonade. With crushed ice, please. [JACK FLOPS ONTO THE COUCH.]
WILL: Ok. Time to lay down a few ground rules.
JACK: Ooh, good idea! First rule: If the pad's rockin', don't come a-knockin'.
WILL: That's a good rule. But I was thinking more like, you take your bags and your menagerie, Laura, and take them into the back room, and I won't smother you in your sleep.
JACK: Still waiting on that limonata.
WILL: Well, while you're waiting, just make sure that Klaus doesn't make a urinata on the floor. I gotta go talk to Grace.
JACK: Oh, Will, quick thought: the back bedroom's kinda small. How 'bout every 6 months we switch rooms?
WILL: Hey, how 'bout every two months you and the bird switch heads?
[WILL EXITS HIS APARTMENT, AS GRACE EXITS HERS.]
GRACE: Hi. Oh, is this too sexy for the symphony?
WILL: Uh, probably.
GRACE: Good. It'd be a shame if the only overture I got tonight was from Gustav Mahler. Get it? Classical humor.
WILL: Yes, very good. Somewhere, Beverly Sills is chortling into her cleavage. Look, there's something I was trying to say yesterday, and I didn't. And I think I should say it now.
GRACE: Sounds important.
WILL: It is, so I'm just gonna say it. I know you like Ben, but he's not the guy you think he is. Sweetie, he's cheating on you. He's seeing someone else.
JOSH: [EXITING THE ELEVATOR, CARRYING FLOWERS] Hi!
JOSH: You ready to go?
JOSH: You look beautiful. [JOSH AND GRACE KISS] I'm gonna find a vase and put these in some water. [TO WILL] Ooh, Will, I am getting a lot of stuff. If you like, later, I can sit with you and teach you some calming pranayama.
[BREATHING DEEPLY, JOSH RUNS HIS HAND UP AND DOWN IN FRONT OF WILL. WILL GIVES HIM A MOCKING WAVE. JOSH EXITS TO GRACE'S APARTMENT.]
GRACE: You were saying?
WILL: Uh, Ben's seeing someone else, which may not have quite the impact I thought it would a moment ago.
GRACE: Oh, yeah, you mean that chick with the Macy Gray hair?
WILL: So, you're ok with this?
GRACE: Sure, why wouldn't I be?
WILL: Well, because, uh... He's seeing someone else!
GRACE: And so am I. And so is Josh. Some girl with armpit hair named... Ugh, what is it again? [TO JOSH] Hon? What's her name again? Pond? River?
JOSH: [OFF-SCREEN] Ocean.
GRACE: Ocean! [SCOFFS] God, the guys I'm dating date such losers!
WILL: Ok, who are you? You're dating two guys, and they're seeing other people. This is not your life. You're not gay or French.
GRACE: I know. Isn't it great? I'm naughty. [GIGGLING] I'm dating two guys at the same time! My mother would so not approve! I can't wait to tell her.
WILL: Well, that's--that's great. I just quit my job over this. But th-that's great.
WILL: I quit my job!
GRACE: Oh, my god. No! No, you can't!
JOSH: [EXITING GRACE'S APARTMENT] Hey, we better get going. My electric car only has 30 minutes left on the charge.
GRACE: Ok, look, this is just a huge misunderstanding. I'll talk to Ben and I'll straighten the whole thing out.
JOSH: Come on, honey. Tick tock.
GRACE: Ok, we'll work this out. You worry about me too much, mister.
[GRACE AND JOSH EXIT INTO THE ELEVATOR. WILL ENTERS HIS APARTMENT. JACK IS TALKING ON THE SPEAKERPHONE WITH ALEX.]
JACK: [TOWARDS PHONE] So you sound tall. How tall are you?
ALEX [VOICE]: I-I don't know. 6'2". Is Will there?
WILL: Jack! [TOWARDS PHONE] Alex, I have not forgotten about our date. I'm just running a little bit behind. But I will definitely--
ALEX [VOICE]: Is that guy living with you?
WILL: No! It's a long story.
ALEX [VOICE]: Well, you know what? I think I'm done with your long stories. In fact, I think I'm done with you.
WILL: No, no! Alex, don't hang up! Don't... Goodbye. [TO JACK] I blew it.
JACK: I'm sorry. I know you're hurting, buddy. Thank God I'm here. He sounded cute. You think he'd like me? Uh! That was insensitive. Uh, I'm sorry. You probably need a couple hours to mourn. Remember, black is slimming.
GRACE: [ENTERING] Ok. We plugged the car into a Chinese restaurant, so I can give you 5 more minutes. Are you ok?
WILL: I don't know. Let's ask the Lifestyle section. Love life? Gone. Job got in the way. Job? Gone. Friend got in the way. Health? Well, something's in the way. I may have to borrow some of that bran. And friends...
GRACE: Ok, ok, I get it. And I am so sorry, 'cause I know a lot of this is my fault. But trust me. I will make it better.
WILL: I don't think so. I don't think you can. I mean, I think this is something I need to fix myself.
GRACE: What are you talking about? We don't fix ourselves. That's not what we do. I fix you, you fix me. So, this is what we're gonna do. Tomorrow is all about Krispy Kremes, blender drinks, and more Krispy Kremes. So, by the time we're fighting over the last honey-glazed, everything will seem so much better.
WILL: No, it won't. I don't think a sugar buzz, a morning drunk, and a stomachache is gonna do the trick this time. I need a change. I need something different.
GRACE: You always say that. And you're always wrong. Trust me. I will take care of everything. I gotta go, but everything's gonna be ok. Right? [GRACE GRABS WILL'S HEAD, NODDING IT] Sure!
WILL: Sure, sure.
GRACE: I'll see you later.
SCENE XIII: Will's Apartment
(GRACE enters carrying a box of donuts. A shower is running.)
GRACE: Sorry I'm late. A horrible thing happened on the way from the donut place. 3 1/2 of them disappeared. Mmm! Make that 4.
JACK: [EXITING THE BATHROOM, IN A BATHROBE WITH A TOWEL ON HIS HEAD] What are you yammering about?
GRACE: I wasn't yammering to you... Erykah Badon't. I was yammering to Will.
JACK: Well, you're gonna have to yammer a whole lot louder. Will's gone. Left on a jet plane.
JACK: Yeah, she's exhausted. Her life, like her hair, had become unmanageable.
GRACE: Where did he go?
JACK: Uh, some island. I couldn't really make it out. I was in there watching the Creek.
GRACE: But--but, he-- No, no... No! He would never leave without telling me. We didn't do the chicken dance so the plane wouldn't crash. No, he would never do that. That would be totally unlike him.
JACK: Well, maybe that's why he did it.
GRACE: But he... Oh, my God.
JACK: And since this is my apartment now, we have a few new ground rules. Rule number one: if the pad's rockin', don't come a-knockin'. And rule number two: The pad... will always be rockin'. Ok?
SCENE XIV: A Caribbean Island
(WILL is sitting in a beach hut, writing in a journal.)
WILL [VOICE]: Day one. What have I done? I quit my job, I left my home, my friends. I'm all alone in the middle of nowhere. This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever done. I kick ass! This is fantastic! And the best part is, no one can reach me. No one can bother me.
SERVANT: [ENTERING] Phone call, Will Truman!
WILL: What? [TAKES THE PHONE] Hello? Ben! How did you-- Never mind. No, I am not coming back! I quit. Leave me alone. [RETURNS PHONE TO SERVANT] Thank you.
WILL [VOICE]: Ok, people can reach me. But still, this feeling of remoteness is exhilarating. I'm experiencing for the first time what it means to be completely alone. And you know what? I think I like it.
BEN: [ENTERING, CARRYING TWO DRINKS] You know, it's rude to hang up on people.
WILL: [SCREAMING] Aah! What the hell are you doing here? I didn't hear Tattoo announce you. How did you find me?
BEN: I'm me! I can find people! I hope you like piņa coladas. Me, I like getting caught in the rain.
WILL: I don't care if you like making love at midnight, I'm not coming back!
BEN: Coming back? What makes you think I even want you back?
WILL: You just said so on the phone.
BEN: Hear me out. We have a client who's in a bit of a dicey tax situation. And-- [LOOKING TOWARDS THE BEACH] Mm-mm-mmm!
BEN: It's not for you, it's for me. He wants to start an offshore company, and this is as good a place as any.
WILL: Forget it.
BEN: Come on! It wouldn't even be like work! Couple of hours a day. Rest of the time you work on your tan, write in your journal, meet guys. There's a place down the road called the Rasta Fairy Inn. I'm assuming that's for you. And the whole tab is paid for by me.
WILL: Ben, forget it. You're wasting your breath. And by the way, the Rasta Fairy Inn is not a gay bar. It's a head shop. I already checked.
BEN: Come on, Truman! What's it gonna take? I know there's something out there I can give you. Come on, name it.
BEN: Ask for anything. Whatever it takes.
WILL: No. No!
BEN: Piss me off!
WILL: Make me a partner.
BEN: You're pissing me off now, Truman. Nobody makes partner after six months.
WILL: And I want that corner office. The one that Steve has. Kick him out! He's homophobic and he smells like gin and hai karate. I want my name on the letterhead, prettier numbers on my paycheck, and a no dancing policy on my conference table.
BEN: Where the hell do you get off asking for all this?
WILL: I know you, Ben. I know you'd never come down here unless you couldn't do this without me. So the way I see it, you've got two choices. You can either give me what I want, or you can take a plane home.
BEN: You know, you can be a real jerk when you want to be, Truman. I knew I liked you. Deal. [WILL AND BEN SHAKE HANDS.]
WILL: Oh, um, one more thing, when I get back-- Whenever that may be-- I'd like Mrs. Freeman to treat me a little more politely.
BEN: Will, there are limits to what I can do. Have a nice vacation.
WILL: I'll take that drink now.
BEN: No, you won't. [YELLING TOWARDS THE BEACH] Yo!
SCENE XV: Will's Apartment
(GRACE is sitting on the couch reading a newspaper. JACK is sitting with her, beading a necklace.)
GRACE: Look at this. [READING] "Janet Eisenberg, 33, and David Bromberg, 35, are getting married. It is the second marriage for both." Can you believe that?
JACK: Uh, I really don't follow straight society.
GRACE: Come on, Jack, it's Sunday morning. We're supposed to go through the paper. You comment on what I read, and then I will comment on what you read.
JACK: Ok, we've got a little bit of a problem here. See, you're trying to make me Will. And I'm trying to make you disappear. How about we compromise, and you make me scrambled eggs?
GRACE: Jack, look where my foot is. It could scramble a couple of eggs from here.
JACK: Oh, Grace, I'm not like the other men in your life. I will hit you.
GRACE: Bring it on, Nancy.
[GRACE TAKES A STEP TOWARDS JACK. HE FLINCHES.]
JACK: You don't scare me. I'll pull your hair.
GRACE: Do whatever you want. 'Cause today I'm handing out lollipops and ass whuppings, and I'm all out of lollipops.
JACK: I miss Will. [JACK AND GRACE HUG]
GRACE: I do, too. I can't believe things were so bad that he had to leave.
JACK: I just hope he finds what he's looking for.
GRACE: Do you think he left because of me?
JACK: Yes, I do.
GRACE: You know what, let's just-- let's just try to be really supportive of one another, ok?
JACK: Sure. Is there anything you need from me right now?
GRACE: No, I'm ok. [JACK OPENS THE DOOR FOR GRACE] Oh, I guess I'm-- Is there anything you need from me?
JACK: Yeah, just your keys. I don't really like you walking in and out all the time.
[JACK SLAMS THE DOOR IN GRACE'S FACE.]
SCENE XVI: A Caribbean Island
(WILL arrives at a Villa, and rings the bell.)
HOUSEBOY: May I help you?
WILL: Oh, hello, I'm Will Truman, the attorney. I have a 10:00 appointment.
HOUSEBOY: The Mister is not feeling well. We told him goat does not agree with everybody. But the Missus is right over there.
WILL: Thank you.
[WILL CROSSES THE LAWN TO WHERE THE MISSUS IS SITTING.]
WILL: Good morning.
[SHE TURNS AROUND--IT'S KAREN! AND SHE IS STROKING A BABY TIGER IN HER LAP.]
KAREN: Well, well, well. And they say fruit doesn't travel.
ROSARIO: [EXITING THE VILLA, CARRYING A BABY MONKEY] If anyone's hungry, I made BLTs.