"My Best Friend's Tush"

Episode #2.22
Original Airdate 5/16/2000
Written by Ellen Idelson & Rob Lotterstein
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee

Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)

Joan Collins (Helena Barnes)
Doug Ballard (Robert Lilienfield)
Ken Lerner (Bob)
Rod Britt (Larry)
Martin Morales (Employee)


SCENE I: Will's Apartment
(WILL and GRACE are standing near the coffee table. JACK is showing them two white cushions which are placed on the coffee table.)

JACK: Ok...what do you think of them? Ooh, I knew you'd hate them! God! It's just a stupid invention! What made me think that a little pillow that cups and cushions the ass against the ravages subway travel would be a good idea?

GRACE: I like the name. "The Subway Tush."

JACK: And there's the icky face. Ok, I'm leaving. I knew you were gonna think it's stupid. I'm so humiliated. [JACK EXITS]

GRACE: What is he doing--

WILL: Wait for it.

JACK: [RE-ENTERING] At least have the decency to sit on it. I think you'll find yourself saying, "Did my heinie die and go to heaven?"


GRACE: Ooh. Oh, my God... This feels really good. Oh, my tush is loving the cush of the Tush.

WILL: Mmm. Yeah. It's squishy. It's comfy. It's...oddly exciting. Overall, I'd have to say it's the butt's meow.

JACK: Shut up! Oh, my god, you really like it? I knew you would! Now, there's just one teensy little thing. I need $50,000 for startup costs.

WILL: 50,000? Well-- Sure, Jack. Do you want me to write you a check, or shall I pay you in cheese?

JACK: I can take a check.

WILL: [SCOFFS] Hey, zippy, I'm not giving you any money.



WILL: [TO GRACE, BROOKLYN ITALIAN ACCENT] You believe that guy, soaking me for 50 large? Forget about it.

GRACE: Ok, first of all, you've just officially been cut off from The Sopranos. And second, how could you just dismiss him like that?

WILL: What are you talking about?

GRACE: Look, it is hard for him. I work all day. You work all day. He comes home at 3:00 to an empty house. I worry about him.

WILL: Sooner or later, the boy has got to learn that life's not easy! Uh, I guess you're right. [SIGHS] Our little girl is growing up. [COVERS HIS MOUTH.]


SCENE II: A Restaurant
(KAREN and GRACE are having a celebration lunch.)

GRACE: So, once again, I just want to say thank you. [GRACE AND KAREN CLINK GLASSES.]

KAREN: God...quit thanking me. You sound just like Stan after... Just after. [SIGHS]

GRACE: No. No. Really. Really. I never would've gotten a meeting with Robert Lilienfield if you hadn't made the call.

KAREN: Come on, Grace. You could've gotten it on your own. [BEAT] Ha ha ha! You get it? Ha ha! No way.

GRACE: Aw, drink your lunch. Oh, my god! Look who it is.

KAREN: Honey, I don't look. I'm looked at. Who is it?

GRACE: [WHISPERING] It's Helena Barnes! She--she's, like--like, the best interior designer working today! She-- Look at her! Look at her! No! No! Don't look! She'll see you looking. Ok! She's looking away. Go look, look, look, look.

KAREN: Oh, good lord love a duck! [SHOUTING TO HELENA] Hey, Hel... Put the caboose in motion! Somebody wants to meet you! Come on! [SNAPS HER FINGERS] Hey!

GRACE: Oh, my god. Hi. I am Grace Adler, and it is so-- [HELENA WALKS PAST GRACE]

HELENA: Karen, darling, I was convinced that nasty smell was coming from the kitchen!

KAREN: No, honey. I think you just caught a whiff of your own liver rotting. Listen, I want you to meet Grace Adler. Um, she thinks you're something really special, but then again, she's never seen you face down in a pool of your own sick. She hasn't.

HELENA: Grace, enchanted to meet you. [HOLDING OUT HER HAND TO GRACE]

GRACE: Oh. Hi. [GRACE KISSES THE BACK OF HER HAND] The honor-- the honor is mine. I mean, I would curtsy if it weren't weird. [GIGGLING] Oh, my God, I'm like one of those losers when they meet William Shatner at a Trekkie convention! Ha ha! Aw...

HELENA: Oh, you are adorable! Thank you!


GRACE: Oh! Hi! And who is this?

HELENA: This is Paxil...


HELENA: And she asks that you don't touch her.

GRACE: Oh, well, whatever little Paxil-waxil wants--

HELENA: Nor speak to her.

KAREN: You know, Hel, Grace is a designer. Oh, yeah. She's great. She's better than you.

HELENA: Oh. I'm sure she is. Well, Karen, I'd love to sit and watch you suck your stomach in for the next 20 minutes...


HELENA: But I really do have to go. I've got such a busy week. Between the Sandlers' beach house and Pierre's new restaurant and an interview with Robert Lilienfield, I simply don't have a moment.

GRACE: Robert Lilienfield?

HELENA: Yes. Can you believe that he wants to put me through the formality of an interview before he hires me? Why is it that men are only interested in foreplay when it comes to business? Grace, charmed. Karen, appalled.


KAREN: [TO HELENA] Hel, honey, love you like a cold sore! [TO GRACE] Ah, she's sweet. Ok. Where's the waiter? I want to start celebrating.

GRACE: There's nothing to celebrate. I'm canceling the meeting with Lilienfield.

KAREN: What? Honey, why?

GRACE: Because I'm not gonna get the job. I mean...I mean, [SNOOTY ENGLISH ACCENT] It's Helena Barnes, [BROOKLYN ITALIAN ACCENT] and I'm Grace Adler. I mean, she's an international design...goddess! And I'm... [BROOKLYN ITALIAN ACCENT] Grace Adler.

KAREN: Come on, do you really think that? You really think she's better than you?

GRACE: I can't afford Louis Vuitton, and her dog poops in it.

KAREN: All right. I shouldn't do this, but, uh, come on. I'm gonna take you somewhere that's gonna make you feel a whole lot better about yourself.

GRACE: Oh, Karen, I don't want to go to the pharmacy for another one of your "test drives."

KAREN: Come on, not there! Move it! Move it! [KAREN SLAPS GRACE ON THE BUTT] Make it sing! Get it!


SCENE III: Will's Office, Conference Room
(WILL and JACK ARE setting up their presentation for the investors.)

JACK: Oh, my God, Will. We are gonna make so much money! I'm already eyeing a manse in the Hamptons. It's 3 manses down from the Puffy-Lopezes.

WILL: Hmm. Yeah. It's been a while since you've had 3 manses in the Hamptons. Hey, you do realize this is just a meeting with investors. I mean, there's no guarantee they're gonna come through with the money, although I must say they'd be crazy if they don't. [OFF JACK'S LOOK] What, you have to go sissy again?

JACK: You... Believing in me... Being my business partner. Who's my hero?

WILL: Oh--

JACK: Who's my hero? You are the wind beneath my tush.

WILL: Well, let's not delve into that one too deeply. Now, I thought we'd start by you talking about how you first came up with the i--

JACK: No, no, no. You do the talking. That's what you're good at. See, you're the quarterback. I'm just the slutty cheerleader with the nice rack.

WILL: All right. Well, you know, if you feel like chiming in--

JACK: No, no, no. I won't.


BOB: Will!

WILL: Hey!

BOB: Good to see you.

WILL: Bob, always a pleasure. This is my partner Jack McFarland.

BOB: Hello, Jack.

WILL: Well, uh, everybody take a seat. We're ready to start. Gentlemen--

JACK: Introducing the Subway Tush!

WILL: Jack!

JACK: [SINGING] Hey, mon frère, if your derriere could use a little cush, no need to pout, the word is out. It's Jack's Subway Tush!


SCENE IV: Taco Time Restaurant
(KAREN and GRACE enter. KAREN is carrying a bloody mary.)

GRACE: Taco Time? What are we doing at taco time? And... Wait, did you bring that drink from the restaurant? What is this, Vegas? Look, Karen--

KAREN: Hey, forget it, Red! Don't call me by my real name! Call me by my alias: Anastasia Beaverhausen! I wanna be incognito.

GRACE: Why? Who could possibly know you here?



KAREN: Hmm. The Duchess of York.

GRACE: The what?! Why would the Duch-- Oh, my god! It's Fergie! Do you think that Weight Watchers knows about this? What is going on here?

KAREN: Taco Time is a guilty pleasure for some of the ladies in my circle. Nobody questions it. Nobody talks about it.

GRACE: Ok, but why are we here?

KAREN: Come on, Grace. It's like it says in the Bible: "The best way to make you feel good is to make someone else look bad." And nothing looks worse than a socialite shoveling a couple of Taco Gigantes down her gullet.

GRACE: Are you trying to tell me that--

KAREN: Over there, honey. The slob in the dark glasses.

GRACE: Are you sure that's her?

HELENA: Paxil, if you are not going to finish that, mommy will. All right? Very well, then. It's mine! Oh! Mmm. it's good!


GRACE: When is she gonna come up for air? And she's-- I mean, my God! Oh, Anastasia, this is the best gift you've ever given me!

KAREN: Don't kid yourself, honey. I didn't do it for you. Helena took our slip at the yacht club, and, uh...drilling a hole in the bottom of her boat just didn't turn my crank the way I thought it would. [BEAT] It is amazing how long Rosario can stay underwater, though.


SCENE V: Will's Office, The Conference Room
(WILL and JACK are exiting the conference room.)

JACK: [INTO THE CONFERENCE ROOM] Thanks, ladies! You've been a great crowd! Love ya! Love ya like lovin'! [KISS-KISS-KISS]

WILL: Nice. Nice work.

JACK: Really?

WILL: Yeah. Rip Taylor would've been proud. [WILL STORMS OFF.]

BOB: [IN THE DOORWAY] Uh, Jack, can I speak with you for a moment?

JACK: Sure.

BOB: Have a seat.


BOB: First of all, I just want to tell you that we really love your product, and we're prepared to back you 100%.

JACK: Oh, my god! You want to put everything you've got into my Tush?

BOB: Well, that's not the way legal would put it, but yes.

JACK: This is great! Oh, my God, thank you! I can't wait to tell Will!

BOB: Oh, yeah, about that. Uh, we want him out.

JACK: Oh, he is. Everybody knows.

BOB: No. I mean "out" as in out.

JACK: What?

BOB: It's just that your presentation was so dynamic, but then Will kept interrupting to talk about thinking small and slow growth, and that's not the direction we want to take. We'd like him gone.

JACK: So, what are you saying? You expect me to sell out my business partner and best friend of 13 years for a scrap of foam rubber and a few measly shekels? How dare you, sir? How dare you?

BOB: This is what we are prepared to offer. [BOB HANDS JACK A NOTEPAD.]

JACK: He'll be gone by tomorrow.


SCENE VI: Will's Apartment
(WILL is sitting on the couch reading when JACK enters.)

JACK: Hey, Will.

WILL: Hello, Jack.

JACK: Whatcha reading?

WILL: A book.

JACK: Would I like it?

WILL: No. There's nothing to color in.

JACK: Look, um, I spoke to the investors after you left today...

WILL: And?

JACK: And... There's something I should tell you. Sit down.

WILL: I am sitting down.

JACK: Ok, you don't have to bite my head off! They said, um... They said... They need to think about it.

WILL: They need to think about it.

JACK: Yeah.

WILL: Ok. Let me explain what that means. That means... "No." and do you know why they're saying no, Jack? Because of you.

JACK: Will, I don't think--

WILL: Exactly! You don't think! I mean, first, you start with that ridiculous song-and-dance number with [MOCK-SINGING] Hey, mon frère, if your derriere could use a little [PFFT]. What the hell is that?

JACK: You said to chime in.

WILL: Yes, but by "chime," I did not mean the Bell of Saint Mary!

JACK: Will, listen--

WILL: No! Then--then--then you bend over in front of Lawrence Weber, a grandfather of 4 and a large contributor to the Republican National Committee, and ask him to squeeze your happy heinie!

JACK: Hey, I got a vibe from him, but that's a whole 'nother story.

WILL: Yeah! And to top it all off, you produce...this. This sad, obscene thing, this...butt puppet. [WILL PULLS OUT A SMILEY-FACED, BUTT-SHAPED PUPPET FROM JACKS BAG]

JACK: Buttford happens to be our spokes-puppet.

WILL: You stole Grace's pantyhose, drew a face on them, and then addressed people with it.

JACK: They were laughing.

WILL: You turned a meeting with my colleagues into Circus-O-Gay! And all of this adds up to the fact that we're not gonna get any financing, because people do not generally give large sums of money to crass, juvenile performing monkeys!

JACK: Then how come they want me and not you?

WILL: Because I-- What?


JACK: Yeah. That's right. They said you think too small. They want you out! They liked my vision, they liked my energy, they liked my passion, and they liked Buttford! They sent me here to fire you. Mm-hmm. So... Now who's the monkey, huh? [JACK EXITS, EATING THE BANANA.]


SCENE VII: Will's Apartment
(Later. WILL is alone when GRACE enters wearing a skirt and a bra, carrying a bunch of clothes on hangers.)

GRACE: Hi. I need some advice.

WILL: Did you just walk across the hall like that?

GRACE: No. Actually, I put my bra on when I got to the door 'cause I know how my girly parts embarrass you.

WILL: I can handle it. I watch Animal Planet.

GRACE: Ok, I--I need help here. Um...I've got my meeting with Lilienfield this afternoon. So... Do I go smarty turtleneck... Hmm? Or... Bold... Cleavage... Blouse?

WILL: Well, uh, they're both fine.

GRACE: Fine?

WILL: I don't know. Whichever one you like better.

GRACE: What?! Will, what is the point of having a gay best friend if you're not gonna dress me? What's wrong with you?

WILL: It's just this whole Subway Tush thing. I mean...I didn't even want to get involved in the first place, as you may recall, but I was trying to be a good friend, so I went to all the trouble of setting up all these meetings with these investors, and the whole thing blows up in my face. I just... Jack sold me out, I'll tell you that.

GRACE: Well, I...think he's more than made it up to you.

WILL: What? How?

GRACE: He's resigning.

WILL: He's what?

GRACE: Yeah. I spoke to him this morning. I called him 'cause-- I know this sounds crazy-- But I was missing all these pantyhose, and I thought he might've taken them. I was wrong. But anyway, that--that's what he told me.

WILL: He's resigning? I don't-- Why would he do that?

GRACE: He said because he loves you and he's your friend and he doesn't want to do it without you. In fact, I...think he's doing it right now.

WILL: Oh, my god. I-- he-- He can't do that. I mean... I love that he wants to, but... His Tush means everything to him. I--I can't let this happen!

GRACE: Wait a minute. Wait, wait! Hey, hey! What about me?

WILL: Oh. Um... [PICKING THROUGH GRACE'S CLOTHES] Uh, this... with this... Change the lipstick, hair up, and, uh... Here are your hose.



SCENE VIII: Will's Office, The Conference Room
(JACK is in the conference room with the investors.)

JACK: So... without Will... You guys don't get Jack. In conclusion, gentlemen, I resign.

BOB: Stop saying that! You cannot resign from a project you've already been forcibly removed from. You stole this idea!

JACK: Look, when you say it like that, of course it's gonna sound bad.

LARRY: You told us you had a patent on this product, when in fact, the idea of the Subway Tush belongs to a Mr. Bjorn Stevenson.

JACK: Hey, he said he was moving back to Sweden. Then again, he also said he could bench-press my weight, which led to a very painful breakup.

BOB: I don't think you understand. We're seriously considering legal action.

JACK: I know you are, but what am I?

WILL: [ENTERING] Gentlemen, please stop! [TO JACK] Hey. [TO BOB] I know what's going on here, and I'm not gonna let it happen. I urge you, do not accept this man's resignation. He's only doing it out of love for me.

JACK: Will, um-- no, don't.

WILL: Please, Jack, let me say this. When you have the opportunity to go into business with someone like Jack, you don't let that slip through your fingers.

JACK: Will, listen--

WILL: Jack has... Passion, he has vision, and most of all, Jack has originality. There is not an idea in this man's head that is not fresh, unique--

JACK: Shut up, Will. I stole the idea.

WILL: What?

BOB: Apparently, the Subway Tush is not his idea. It belongs to what I've ascertained is an ex-lover of Swedish extraction.

WILL: You stole this from Bjorn?!

JACK: Hey, hey, what about edible bike shorts?

WILL: Jack...

JACK: Come on. 10 miles into the ride, you get hungry, there's a snack right there on your leg! Come on.


SCENE IX: Robert Lilienfield's
(GRACE and KAREN are waiting for their meeting with ROBERT.)

KAREN: All right. How we doing, honey?

GRACE: I'm good. My pantyhose have a smiley face on 'em, but I'm ready to go.

KAREN: Terrif. Now, listen. She's gonna come in here and act all superior, but don't you let her intimidate you.

GRACE: I won't.

KAREN: Good girl. Now, I'm gonna go look at an island, but remember, if you start thinking Helena is something special, just picture that albino rat of hers licking molé sauce off her mug. Got it?

GRACE: Got it.


GRACE: Thank you. Ok. I'm ready.



HELENA: Medea! [TO GRACE] Well...hello again. I must say I'm surprised to see you here.

GRACE: Well, I'm up for the job as well.

HELENA: Really.

GRACE: Mm-hmm.

HELENA: Oh. Well, may the best designer win.

GRACE: Ha! Not if I have anything to say about it.

HELENA: You're a strange girl, aren't you?

GRACE: Why do the British always insult you and then ask you to agree with them?

HELENA: Maybe because we think that you Americans are just a little bit silly, don't you think?


ROBERT: Helena! Hello.

HELENA: Robert.

ROBERT: How are you? Oh, I'm so sorry to keep you waiting. I guess I was just saving the best for last.

HELENA: Oh, ha ha! Robert, stop.

ROBERT: So what have you been up to?

HELENA: Oh, what haven't I been up to? Beijing, Bora Bora, Budapest... Oh, by the way, Curtis and Denise send their love. They thought the Steuben Menorah was fabulous! And I must say I agree.

ROBERT: Oh. Helena, you always say the right thing. [TO GRACE] And you must be Grace Adler. Uh, tell me, did you have any trouble finding the place?

GRACE: She eats tacos! Lots of tacos! Big, honking, greasy ones with extra cheese and guac, and they drip on her fancy clothes, and she thinks no one knows, but-- Oh, hoo hoo! Oh, ha ha! They know, all right! Yeah! Miss Snooty Pants is a taco eater! So now who do you wanna hire?

ROBERT: Well, I don't know. Let me see your book.

GRACE: Book?


SCENE X: Taco Time Restaurant
(GRACE and KAREN are having a taco lunch.)

KAREN: Listen, honey, I know you're feeling a little down about what happened, but... Hey, look on the bright side.

GRACE: What bright side?

KAREN: What-- It's just an expression, honey! What...

GRACE: I can't believe it. I made a fool of myself. I forgot my book. I blew a job... My God, this is the best freaking taco I've ever had.


HELENA: Gracie, darling, that was a delicious performance you gave today. So delicious in fact, that I’ve decided to pick up your tab.

GRACE: Thanks. Especially since it was, like, $2.50 for the both of us.

HELENA: [TO KAREN] Anastasia.

KAREN: Endora.



SCENE XI: Will's Apartment
(WILL and JACK are sitting around having a drink.)

JACK: [SINGING, HALF-HEARTEDLY] Hey, mon frère, if your derriere...

WILL: [SINGING, HALF-HEARTEDLY] Could use a little cush



WILL AND JACK: [BOTH SINGING] It's Jack's Subway Tush!

WILL: [SINGING] I really mean it!

WILL AND JACK: [BOTH SINGING] It's Jack's Subway Tush!

JACK: [SINGING] I'll tell ya, daddy!

WILL AND JACK: [BOTH SINGING] It's Jack's! Subway! Tush!

WILL: Get out.

JACK: For real?

WILL: Heh-heh. Yeah. Get out.