Original Airdate 5/9/2000
Written by Michelle Bochner Spitz
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Gregory Hines (Ben Doucette)
Orson Bean (Joseph Dudley)
Piper Laurie (Sharon Timmers)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment (WILL is reading a magazine eating his breakfast cereal as GRACE enters.)
GRACE: This is so unfair! Why do we always have to have breakfast at your house? I have a house.
WILL: Yes, but you have no food there, nothing to eat with or on there, and it smells like bologna and wet cat there.
GRACE: Since I'm already here... [GRACE SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE]
GRACE: [TAKING THE BOX] Generic bran flakes? How geriatric.
WILL: Oh, no.
GRACE: Bran flakes kick in?
WILL: No. It's our alumni newsletter. Joseph Dudley retired. Heart problems.
GRACE: No, no.
GRACE: Professor Dudley. I loved him. He was the best teacher I ever had and the only one who never hit on me.
WILL: Grace, he was gay.
JACK: [ENTERING] Ladies and... Grace. You will be happy to know that I have found him. Yes! The love of my life. And he's from Belize. Please.
WILL: Jack, we're really not in the mood. We just got some bad news.
JACK: Oh, my god. It's about James van Der Beek, isn't it? [GASPS] Is Beek off the Creek?
WILL: Is Jack smoking crack? [TO GRACE] God, he was brilliant. You know?
GRACE: And such an inspiration. You know, he is the one who made me want to write.
WILL: You don't write.
GRACE: But I wanted to.
WILL: God, you know, when I graduated, I told him--I told him I'd keep in touch and then I never did. I feel so guilty.
JACK: Ok, it's getting just a little too Tuesdays with Morrie in here. Why don't you just go visit Jack Lemmon and get it over with? What? I read the movie.
WILL: [TO GRACE] You know, I think Chrissy might actually be on to something here. I mean, he is our Morrie. You know what we should do is we should rent a car this weekend and go visit him.
GRACE: Oh, my god. Yes. Let's do it. Oh, my god, I need to see him. I need a shot of his optimism and positive energy. You know, I actually called someone a "bitch" the other day.
JACK: Um, that was me.
GRACE: And you were.
SCENE II: The Rental Car (WILL is driving the rental car as GRACE sits in the passenger seat, stewing.)
GRACE: [SCOFFING] Huh huh huh. [EXHALES LOUDLY] Pffft. [CLICKING TONGUE] T-T-T-T-T. [BEAT] When are you gonna realize I'm not talking to you?!
WILL: Probably when you stop talking to me.
GRACE: I just don't see why it was necessary to humiliate me at the Alamo desk.
WILL: I was just flirting with the cutie rent-a-guy.
GRACE: By making fun of me. Ok, so I don't know that much about cars.
WILL: Grace, he asked if you wanted a V-6 or a V-8, and you said you preferred a Diet Coke.
GRACE: [SCOFFS] I was making a joke.
WILL: No, you weren't.
GRACE: No, I wasn't, but that still does not excuse two gay guys sitting there laughing in my face. Like I don't get enough of that at home?! You owe me an apology. You really upset me.
WILL: Ok, ok. I'm sorry you're upset.
GRACE: Oh-ho. Interesting. It had the word "sorry" in it, but somehow still made the whole thing my fault.
WILL: I'm sorry you see it that way.
GRACE: Ok, there it is again. Ok, do you think that maybe you could take just a little bit of responsibility?!
WILL: All right. All right. I'm sorry that when we were at the Alamo desk, I chose this car, because... [SLAPS HIS FOREHEAD] I could have had a V-8!
SCENE III: Will's Apartment Building, The Elevator (KAREN and JACK are riding the elevator up to Wills Apartment. Another woman is on the elevator standing behind JACK and KAREN.)
KAREN: [TO JACK] Oh, Lord. Why did I agree to cook dinner for Stan on his birthday? I must have been sober or something. Well, that'll never happen again.
JACK: Karen, trust me. I can teach you. I have had years of experience working under some of the finest chefs in New York. [KAREN ROLLS HER EYES.]
[THE ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN AND JACK AND KAREN EXIT. KAREN TURNS AROUND TO THE WOMAN IN THE ELEVATOR:]
KAREN: [COUGHING] Honey, ease up on the Giorgio.
JACK: That was so nice of you. Feels so good to help.
JACK: Come on, this'll be fun. Will's away. We can use his stuff, make a mess, and we don't even have to clean up.
KAREN: Hey, hey, hey, come on. This is serious. If you can't teach me how to cook, I have to have sex with my husband. So you better make it high-fat because the only thing I want hardening that night are his arteries!
[JACK NOTICES A NOTE TAPED TO THE DOOR.]
JACK: Ooh, a note. I love notes. [JACK READS THE NOTE:]
WILL'S VOICE: Jack McFarland, do not, I repeat, do not under any circumstances enter this apartment. I'm having my floors redone, and I forbid you to walk on them. Do you understand?
KAREN: What's it say?
JACK: It's not for us. [JACK CRUMPLES THE NOTE AND THROWS IT OVER HIS SHOULDER.]
[JACK AND KAREN ENTER THE APARTMENT. THE FURNITURE HAS BEEN DISPLACED AND IS COVERED WITH PLASTIC. THE HARDWOOD FLOOR IS NEWLY REDONE.]
JACK: Now, Will just had the floors redone, so we have to respect that.
[JACK AND KAREN SHUFFLE ALONG THE FLOOR LIKE A TRAIN.]
KAREN: Chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga, chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga.
SCENE IV: Professor Joseph Dudley's House (GRACE and WILL knock and enter the house.)
GRACE: Hello? Professor Dudley? It's Will and Grace.
JOSEPH: [OFF-SCREEN] I'll be right there.
GRACE: Oh! Did you hear that? He always knows just what to say. Oh! Will, smell this place. It smells like knowledge.
WILL: Yeah, knowledge mixed with tomato soup and just a hint of A & D ointment.
JOSEPH: [ENTERING THE ROOM] Ahh. Will Truman and Grace Adler.
GRACE: Hi, professor.
JOSEPH: If you've come for inspiration, you're too late. If you've come for the funeral, you're too early.
WILL: [LAUGHS] Hey, you look great.
GRACE: [LAUGHS] How have you been?
JOSEPH: How have I been? I loathe myself. Now, who wants a wine cooler? [JOSEPH EXITS BACK INTO THE KITCHEN.]
WILL: I know. Maybe we should have come on a Tuesday.
SCENE V: Will's Apartment (JACK is cooking in the kitchen as KAREN sits on the counter drinking a martini.)
KAREN: Honey, there are a few too many things that are flaming in this kitchen.
JACK: Karen, would you relax? I'm toasting the croutons.
[THE DOOR OPENS AND BEN DOUCETTE, WILL'S BOSS, ENTERS.]
KAREN: Aah! We're being robbed!
BEN: Mrs. Walker, we've been through this before. Now, I am not a prowler. I am not a bartender. I am not the black guy from Designing Women. I am your lawyer. And maybe if you'd stop bobbing for olives for half a minute, you might remember that.
KAREN: You're kind of hot.
BEN: [TO JACK] Jackie!
JACK: [COOLY] Hello, Benjamin.
BEN: Oh, you're still mad 'cause I beat you at racquetball.
JACK: Uh, you know what, Ben? My life's a little too hectic to be mad about losing a game or two.
BEN: Or 12.
JACK: Ok, we get it! You're huge. Your sports cup runneth over.
KAREN: [TO BEN] Why are you here? Is Stan in trouble again? 'Cause listen to me, you tell that secretary of his, one woman's sexual harassment is another woman's night off.
BEN: No, no. Uh, Will told me to stop by and pick up some papers, so I'm-- Jack, are you cooking that salad? 'Cause, you know, it's better when you don't.
JACK: Um, Ben? We're buds. We're love. We have history. Um, if you look around, this isn't the racquetball court. I think you're a little bit out of your element here, ok? [WINKS]
BEN: Well, actually, before I went to law school, I was a chef. I studied in Provence. In fact, I won an award for my coq au vin.
JACK: Yeah, and I won an award for my nyah-nyah-nyah.
BEN: Ok, well, I remember that mood from when I beat you left-handed. See you later.
KAREN: [TO BEN] Wait, wait, wait a minute! Wait a minute, lawyer man. Hold on a second here. Listen, we're in a crisis. If I can't cook my husband rack of lamb for his birthday, he's gonna be craving rack of me.
BEN: All right. All right. Well, I'll help you, but you have to say those magic words.
KAREN: Billable hours.
BEN: Let's get it on.
JACK: But, Karen--
KAREN: [TO JACK] Sorry, fruit, you're out of the loop. Come on.
SCENE VI: Professor Joseph Dudley's House (WILL, GRACE, and JOSEPH are in the kitchen talking as JOSEPH pours wine coolers into wine glasses.)
WILL: I--I--I can't believe what I'm hearing. I mean, this--this is you. How can you say your life has no meaning?
GRACE: Yeah, I mean you had such an impact. You made me want to write.
JOSEPH: So you're a writer. What have you written?
GRACE: Will wants to say something.
WILL: You just--you touched so many lives. Does that not mean anything to you?
JOSEPH: I'm afraid that's all sound and fury signifying nothing. Or, to put it in layman's terms, [RASPBERRY] blblblbl.
GRACE: Did the wisest man we know just go [RASPBERRY] blblblbl?
WILL: I believe he did.
JOSEPH: And now, every other week, I've got all these ex-students coming up here to visit me just because they've read Tuesdays with Morrie. How unbearably pathetic.
GRACE: How, indeed.
GRACE: We've never even read that book.
JOSEPH: So, you haven't written anything, and you haven't read anything. I can see I've made a marvelous impact.
WILL: I'm sorry. This is like I'm talking to different guy. I mean, you used to be so positive and so upbeat, not to mention my role model as a strong gay man. I mean, what--what happened to you?
SHARON: [ENTERING] Oh, why do we always have to have dinner at your house? You know I have a house right next door.
JOSEPH: Do you have any food over there? Do you have anything to eat with or on that isn't covered in cat hair?
SHARON: You're starting with me? Very nice. How about a little kindness, you miserable old fairy?
JOSEPH: Will, Grace, this is Sharon Timmers. She's my best friend in the whole world.
[LATER, AFTER DINNER. CUT TO THE KITCHEN. SHARON AND JOSEPH ARE ARGUING.]
SHARON: The pie's frozen. You're serving them frozen pie?
JOSEPH: The pie will thaw.
SHARON: When you're dead, it'll thaw.
JOSEPH: Sharon, you have all the charm of a flesh-eating virus.
[CUT TO THE DINING ROOM. WILL AND GRACE ARE SITTING AT THE TABLE.]
GRACE: Are you gonna say it, or am I gonna say it?
WILL: I'm gonna say it. You had way too many onions.
GRACE: Not that! Them. They're us.
WILL: They're not! They're not us.
GRACE: Will, when he put down the bottle of Correctol by her lamb chops, she said "Eww." I say "Eww." Will, she is exactly who I'm going to be. Who knew I was gonna develop a taste for turquoise jewelry? I mean, eww. [GASPING] Aah! "Eww!"
WILL: Would you relax? You're blowing this way out of proportion. There is no way-- [PICKING UP A PLATE] Oh, my god! That's my china pattern.
SCENE VI: Will's Apartment (KAREN is tossing the salad. BEN is standing behind her with his arms around her helping her. JACK is standing by watching.)
BEN: Now, be sure not to bruise the lettuce. You got to treat the salad like a lover. Gently, sensually. Are you getting it?
KAREN: Oh, I'm getting something, honey.
JACK: Hmm. Doesn't look like much of a salad to me. Where's the arugula? Hmm? Where's the radicchio? Where's the Rwanda?
BEN: Jack, one of those isn't a salad ingredient so much as a war-torn country in Africa.
JACK: Duh. I sponsor a kid in arugula.
KAREN: Hi, Ben. [KAREN IS STANDING AT THE PATIO DOOR, BREATHING ONTO THE GLASS, THEN KISSES IT, THEN RUNS HER BODY ALL OVER THE GLASS.]
BEN: So, the salad's done. The risotto is cooking. Let's talk wine. Karen, you have any preference?
KAREN: Honey, I'd suck the alcohol out of a deodorant stick, so you're asking the wrong gal, ok?
BEN: Karen, are you saying you don't care about the wine?
KAREN: No, honey. I was just flirting with you.
[KAREN RUNS HER HAND UP BEN'S ARM TO HIS HEAD.]
SCENE VII: Professor Joseph Dudley's House (WILL, GRACE, SHARON, and JOSEPH are sitting in the living room chatting.)
SHARON: Grace, you are such a lovely young lady. Tell me, how come you're not married?
GRACE: Oh, well, um, I was engaged last year, but it didn't work out.
SHARON: Oh, really? Well, what happened?
SHARON: I'm just making conversation, Joe. So, Grace, what made you not go through with it?
GRACE: Um, well, we were just so different, and I wasn't ready, and--
SHARON: And Will didn't approve.
GRACE: Uh, well, no, he didn't. But that's not why I didn't--
SHARON: Because heaven forbid there should be any other man in your life besides Will.
JOSEPH: Darling, when the moonlight hits you like that, I can just make out the venom glistening on your front fangs.
WILL: Hey, hey, did anybody see that special on Discovery last night about the human liver? It is quite the filtration system.
SHARON: Interesting organ, the liver. Produces bile. Joe, I would imagine you'd have one the size of Utah.
JOSEPH: Speaking of things the size of Utah, have a seat, Sharon.
GRACE: Ok, stop! Enough! I can't take anymore. What is the matter with you two?
JOSEPH: What do you mean, darling?
WILL: You--you're awful to each other. Sulfites and digestive enzymes get along better than you two.
GRACE: [TO WILL] What?!
WILL: The liver has trouble breaking down sulfites--
GRACE: Sweetie. No. [TO JOSEPH] I mean, you became friends for a reason. What happened?
JOSEPH: Well, nothing happened, per se. In the course of a 30-year friendship, bad patterns emerge, difficulties arise, it's impossible to pinpoint--
SHARON: December 15, 1978! Faculty cocktail party. The topic was 19th-century French literature. You brought up Balzac, and I thought you were making another one of your crude, gay jokes. So I responded, and you mocked me in front of your whole department. And the worst part is that you just wouldn't apologize for humiliating me like that. Our relationship has never been the same.
WILL: Wait a minute, that--that's it? That's what's eating away at your friendship the way cirrhosis eats away at a human liv--
GRACE: Enough with the liver! [TO JOSEPH] And you, professor, if you know that all it would take is an apology, then apologize to your friend of 30 years. My god, she deserves at least that.
JOSEPH: You're right. You're right. Sharon, I'm sorry your education system failed you... If you don't know the difference between a 19th-century novelist and a feeble pun unworthy of even Dick Cavett.
SHARON: And Joseph, darling, I'm sorry the only Balzac you've thumbed in the last 20 years sits on a dusty shelf in your study.
SCENE VIII: The Rental Car (GRACE is now driving back her and WILL back to the city.)
WILL: I'm sorry I always make you eat breakfast at my house. I'm sorry I got you involved with a course in miracles. I'm sorry I took the batteries out of Mr. Good Vibrations and put them in my alarm clock.
GRACE: That was you?
WILL: I'm sorry. Most of all, I'm sorry I made fun of you at the rental place. You--you know a lot about cars, and you're a very good driver.
GRACE: Thank you. I really appreciate that. So just, you know, remember that the next time--
[THE TIRES SQUEAL AS GRACE CORRECTS HER STEERING.]
GRACE: Aah! Sorry.
[WILL AND GRACE SMILE.]
SCENE IX: Will's Apartment (KAREN, JACK, and BEN are sitting on the floor. They've just finished eating the dinner BEN showed KAREN how to cook.)
KAREN: Oh, darn. I spilled all over my sweater.
BEN: No, you didn't.
KAREN: No, I didn't, but I made you look. Ha ha ha!
BEN: So, Jack, what do you think? Good?
JACK: Hmm. I've had better.
BEN: Jack, you cleaned your plate with your tongue.
JACK: Ok, fine, I liked it! All right? It was fabulous. You're a fabulous cook. You know everything about everything. But can you do this? Hmm?
[JACK PLACES A CROUTON ON THE BACK OF HIS HAND, SLAPS DOWN ON HIS WRIST, SENDING THE CROUTON UP AND INTO HIS MOUTH. BEN DOES THE SAME THING.]
JACK: All right. Can you do this? Hmm?
[JACK BREATHS ON A SPOON AND BALANCES IT ON THE END OF HIS NOSE. BEN DOES THE SAME THING.]
JACK: All right, that's it. [JACK SLAMS HIS SPOON DOWN] I've had just about enough. I can't take any more of this because you have shamed me here today. And now it is my turn to shame you. Now, there's one thing I know-- I know I can do better than you.
BEN: Really? What's that?
JACK: Tap dance.
BEN: You think so, huh?
JACK: Oh, yeah. I must warn you I've studied with Tony Wing, the Chinese Fred Astaire. Prepare to be amazed. Karen, count me off, please.
KAREN: 5, 6, 7, 8.
[JACK BEGINS TAP DANCING. VERY BADLY.]
BEN: Jack, wow. I mean, you have it all over me. I fold.
JACK: Wise man. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go to the little girls' room.
[JACK LIMPS TO THE BATHROOM, HOLDING HIS BACK.]
BEN: [OFF KAREN'S LOOK] What?
KAREN: Who are you kidding, honey? 5, 6, 7, 8!
[BEN TAP DANCES UP A STORM, OF COURSE.]
[JACK EXITS FROM THE BATHROOM AS BEN AND KAREN CLINK GLASSES.]
JACK: What are you two toasting about?
KAREN: Your victory, honey.
JACK: Oh, thank you.
BEN: Jack. [JACK AND BEN HUG.]
JACK: Look, Ben, don't be so hard on yourself, ok? Took me years to get that good.
[JACK TURNS AROUND, AND DUMPS A BUCKET OF ICE DOWN HIS PANTS.]