Original Airdate 5/2/2000
Written by Jhoni Marchinko & Jon Kinnally & Tracy Poust
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Molly Shannon (Val Bassett)
Neil Patrick Harris (Bill)
Loren Freeman (Kevin)
Marianne Muellerleile (Jodie)
SCENE I: The Hallway between Will and Grace's Apartments
(WILL and JACK exit Will's apartment. GRACE is outside her doorway on her hands and knees spraying bug spray. She's wearing a dust mask, rubber gloves, a tank top, pajama bottoms, and fuzzy slippers.)
WILL: [TO GRACE] Hey. Looking good.
GRACE: I'm having an insect invasion. The roaches are getting way too bold. Just found one wearing a pair of my shoes. [NOTICING WILL AND JACK ARE DRESSED UP] Look at you two, with the cologne and the tightness. Where are you going?
JACK: This new club downtown.
WILL: Yeah, it's where the old club downtown used to be.
GRACE: Oh, oh. Great! Ok, just give me two minutes.
WILL AND JACK [BOTH]: Ooh...
GRACE: What, "ooh"? I love gay bars. I always go to gay bars. Not a gay bar in town I haven't been to with you guys. Ok, just figured out why I'm alone and dateless on a Saturday night.
WILL: You have a boyfriend. Call Josh.
GRACE: No. He'll just wanna see some chick flick and then talk about it. I wanna--I wanna go with you guys.
WILL: No. I'm sorry. We're having a meeting of the He-Man Woman-Hater's Club. No girls allowed. Right, Spanky?
JACK: Me, too, neither.
GRACE: Fine. I don't need you two to have fun. I have a big night planned.
WILL: Oh. Ant traps are under the kitchen sink.
GRACE: Thanks. [GRACE EXITS INTO WILL'S APARTMENT.]
[THE ELEVATOR OPENS. VAL BASSETT IS INSIDE, CARESSING HERSELF AND MAKING KISSING FACES.]
VAL: [MOANING] Mmm.... Come on, baby. Mmm...
WILL: Uh... Val?
VAL: Hey... I mean... Hi. Oh, I'm sorry. I was just doing a little some-- something for the security camera. Little gift for the boys in the basement. [CHUCKLES]
JACK: Shut up. I do the same thing. [LAUGHING]
WILL: I hate to disappoint you both, but that's not a security camera. That's a smoke detector. Val, do you know Jack?
JACK: Val, the lunachick who got in a catfight with Grace and tore her clothes off?
JACK: I am such a big fan of your work. [VAL EXITS THE ELEVATOR AND SHAKES JACK'S HAND.]
VAL: Oh, thank you. Thank you. Hey, you guys wanna go have a cookout on my fire escape, 'cause I just got a new hibachi.
WILL: Ooh, tempting. No, we're going to a club. [WILL AND JACK ENTER THE ELEVATOR.]
VAL: Oh, really?
JACK: It's all you can eat after midnight.
WILL: I didn't know they served food.
JACK: They don't.
WILL AND JACK [BOTH]: Hee hee hee!
VAL: Well, I guess I'm the only loser with nothing to do on a Saturday night, then.
GRACE: [EXITING WILL'S APARTMENT, SPRAYING BUGS ON HER SLIPPERS] Get off! Get off! Get off!
WILL: And then there were two.
JACK: Nighty-night! [THE ELEVATOR CLOSES]
VAL: Long time no s-see.
GRACE: Yeah, I, uh, I think the last time I saw you, you were smashing my face into the carpet.
VAL: Well, it looks like that burn above your eye went away.
GRACE: Actually, I just stopped plucking in that area.
VAL: I just got ditched by two gay guys.
GRACE: Oh, my God. Me, too.
VAL: Hey, well, do you wanna kill bugs and watch infomercials? I'm wearing pointed shoes.
GRACE: You're on!
VAL: Oh, good. I like your hat. I've got one in faux fur.
SCENE II: Grace's Apartment
(GRACE and VAL are watching TV and eating popcorn.)
GRACE: Oh, my God! They're pulling her whole face off! Ew ew ew!
VAL: Ooh, I love this show.
GRACE: Can you imagine doing that to your face? I would never do plastic surgery. It's gross.
VAL: I know. It's so demeaning.
VAL: Totally. I might do my eyes.
GRACE: Well, sure. That's medical.
VAL: I'm--I'm also thinking of getting a butt lift. Not surgical, just pay some guy to walk behind me and carry it.
GRACE: If I'm not married by the time I'm 35, I'm doing my boobs.
VAL: That's not medical.
GRACE: Sure it is. I wanna marry a doctor.
VAL: My ex-husband wanted me to get a boob-job. That's why I got rid of him. Well, that and the fact that he was sleeping with his dental hygienist.
GRACE: Why is it always the hygienist? What is it? Is it the white uniforms? The latex gloves?
VAL: I think it's because they're whores.
SCENE III: Karen's Penthouse, Jack and Rosario's Bedroom
(KAREN is laying on the bed drinking a martini when JACK gets home from the club.)
JACK: Well, hey, lady la-la! What are you doin' in here?
KAREN: Oh, Stan's been socking down the herbal Viagra again, and this is the only room in the house he doesn't know about. Shh. Don't tell him.
JACK: Karen, guess what. Tonight I met... the one, the man I wanna spend the rest of my life with.
KAREN: Hey! There's only one man in your life. And her name is Rosario, and don't you forget that.
JACK: His name is Bill. Look. [UNFOLDS A PIECE OF PAPER FROM HIS POCKET] And he gave me a picture of himself. [GIVES KAREN THE FLYER] Isn't that a great idea? I'm gonna start passing out pictures of myself to people I meet at clubs.
KAREN: [LOOKING AT THE FLYER] Honey, did you even read this?
JACK: Well, I read the picture. And it said, "Mommy, mommy, give me some of Jack." Ah!
KAREN: He is the head of some group called "Welcome Back Home."
JACK: Well, I'm sure it's a typo. He must mean, "Welcome back, Homo."
KAREN: No. [READING] "It's never too late to get back on the straight and narrow"? Honey, this is a cult! Yeah. Like the Moonies or the homeless. Yes. They're trying to make gay people straight! Good Lord! Don't they know what that'll do to the fall line?
[JACK GRABS THE FLYER.]
JACK: [READING] "We noticed your homosexuality. Make the choice to be straight. Gay is not the way"? Jennifer Jason Leigh, these people are freaks!
KAREN: Yes. And it looks like your new sweetie has turned his back on homosexuals. And not in the good way. [TO THE CROSS ABOVE JACK AND ROSARIO'S BED.] No. Don't listen.
JACK: Well... Bill is not straight. I mean, look at us, Kare. We're lovers. [JACK HOLDS UP THE FLYER NEXT TO HIS FACE.]
KAREN: Lord. [SIGHS] I wonder if Stan's exhausted himself on the body pillow yet.
JACK: Wait! They're having a meeting tomorrow. We have to go. What this organization is advocating is morally wrong, and it is my responsibility to shine the mirror of truth upon them.
JACK: Ok, I just wanna make out with Bill.
JACK: [LAUGHS] Mm, ah, he's so cute, isn't he?
KAREN: I know, I know, honey, but it's a waste of time. All right? It's like exercise or reading to your kids. The man thinks he's straight.
JACK: There are no straight men, only men who haven't met Jack.
KAREN: Yeah, well you can count me out. If you think I'm gonna spend my Sunday morning with a bunch of self-loathing closet cases--
JACK: You get to be a lesbian.
KAREN: Wake me by 11:00.
SCENE IV: The Hallway between Will and Grace's Apartments
(VAL has left GRACE's apartment. GRACE is waiting with VAL for the elevator.)
GRACE: So, um, Val... What are you doing Tuesday night?
VAL: Tuesday night... Oh, I'm going to a movie and then out to dinner.
VAL: With you, silly person!
GRACE: Oh, yeah! [GRACE AND VAL HUG, JUMPING UP AND DOWN, GIGGLING.]
[DING. THE ELEVATOR OPENS AND WILL EXITS THE ELEVATOR.]
WILL: Wow. If these walls could talk.
GRACE: [TO WILL] So, how was girls' night out?
WILL: Ah-uh. I got hit on by a guy named Beverly. Which, you know, in England is a very common name for... for women.
GRACE: Bye, Val.
VAL: Night, guys. Bye. [VAL LEAVES IN THE ELEVATOR.]
[GRACE AND WILL ENTER GRACE'S APARTMENT.]
WILL: [TO GRACE] Wow. So... No bruises, no cuts, no torn clothing? What the hell happened?
GRACE: We had so much fun! I don't think that I've laughed that hard since you and-- That's odd. My music box is missing.
GRACE: The music box my Dad gave me for my bat mitzvah. Did you borrow it?
WILL: Yeah. Yeah, I took it to the bar with me. Nothing says, "hey, there!" like a pop-up ballerina.
GRACE: No, it was here. Val even--even commented on it.
WILL: You don't think she, um...
WILL: Stole it? I mean, she has tried battery on you. Why not theft?
SCENE V: Will's Apartment
(WILL is sitting at the table when GRACE enters.)
GRACE: [ENTERING] Well, I hope you're happy. Thanks to you I didn't sleep all night. Well, I've got news for you, mister. Val did not steal my music box. She is my friend, and I trust her.
GRACE: Which is why we are breaking into her apartment so I can prove to you that it is not there.
WILL: Great. Give me a minute to get my black leotard and suction cups, and I'll meet you on the side of the building.
GRACE: Hurry up.
[CUT TO OUTSIDE VAL'S APARTMENT: 12E. GRACE HAS A KEY-RING WITH MANY KEYS AND IS TRYING TO OPEN THE DOOR.]
WILL: Do you understand what you're doing? This is breaking and entering! We can't go to prison. We're too pretty!
GRACE: Relax. I'm the president of the Tenants Board. I'm allowed to go into any apartment in which I suspect a gas leak.
WILL: But you don't suspect a gas leak.
GRACE: Man, you're not gonna last two minutes in the slam.
[GRACE OPENS THE DOOR. VAL'S APARTMENT IS VERY BRIGHT AND COLORFUL, FILLED WITH COLLECTIONS OF KNICK-KNACKS AND SNOW GLOBES.]
WILL: Well, now we know who's buying everything on eBay.
GRACE: Ok, come on. Let's start looking.
WILL: Man, look at all these snow globes. [PICKING UP A SNOW GLOBE] "Greetings from Times Square." Oh, Grace, look. [SHAKING THE SNOW GLOBE] It's snowing on a hooker.
GRACE: Ok, put the hooker down. You're so convinced she took the music box? Find it.
WILL: Actually, Grace, you know what I'm more convinced of? That I don't care.
GRACE: Then why would call my friend a thief?
WILL: I take it back.
GRACE: What are you a child? There's no takesies-backsies. Ok, so... start looking. It's a brown music box that plays "Hava Nagila." But you're not gonna find it. And why? Because Val did not take it.
[GRACE SITS DOWN. A MUSIC BOX BEGINS PLAYING "HAVA NAGILA"]
WILL: Well, unless you've been using musical suppositories, I think you've found it.
[GRACE PICKS UP A PAPER AND FINDS THE MUSIC BOX.]
VAL: [ENTERING] Hey.
VAL: Wow. What are you two doing here?
GRACE: Um, uh--w--uh, we thought you had a gas leak.
VAL: Then why did you yell, "surprise"?
WILL: Well, we didn't say it was a nice surprise.
SCENE VI: Welcome Back Home
(KAREN and JACK enter. There are quite a few men and women there, including BILL, KEVIN, and JODIE.)
KAREN: Oh, my Lord. Look at these people. Just because they stop being gay doesn't mean that they have to stop having taste! Wha--?
JACK: Yeah. Oh, look! There he is. There's Bill. Isn't he dreamy?
KAREN: Yeah, he's a slice of ice-cream cake. Now when do I get to French-kiss a girl? Come on, when? When?
JACK: Patience, Clarice. The best way for me to get close to Bill is to act like a straight guy. That way I can win him over and release his inner homo.
KAREN: I haven't seen this many closet cases since the Academy Awards.
[KEVIN AND JODIE WALK UP AND INTRODUCE THEMSELVES TO JACK AND KAREN.]
KEVIN: Well, hello. You must be the newcomers. I'm Kevin, and this is my wife Jodie.
JODIE: We're one of Welcome Back Home's biggest success stories. Four years and counting.
KEVIN: Can you believe that we actually used to be gay?
JACK: What? You two? No.
KAREN: I'm plotzing. Wow.
JODIE: Help yourself to the buffet. Forget what you think you know about corned beef hash. And try the deviled eggs. My Kevin made 'em. They're world-famous.
KEVIN: My secret is chopped scallions. Shh.
[KEVIN AND JODIE MOVE ON.]
KAREN: Honey, was that two men or two women?
BILL: Jack! You're here.
JACK: Oh, my God, it's Bill!
KAREN: Take it out of the head voice.
JACK: [DEEPER VOICE] Oh, my god, it's Bill.
BILL: Jack, I'm so proud of you for coming. As a former gay man myself, I know how difficult it can be to take that first step. Welcome back home.
JACK: Uh, dude, I came home a long time ago. [CHUCKLES] Uh, this is Karen, the old ball-and-chain.
KAREN: I used to dig chicks. Heh-heh.
BILL: Oh, well, welcome back home to you, too. I'm sorry. When I saw you at the bar last night, I just assumed--
JACK: Oh, no, no, no. I was just, uh, trying to get my bud Will back on the... [WHISTLES] straight and narrow again, yeah. He's a big fat flamer! [LAUGHS] He's in love with me, so, uh-- Me? I like the ladies. Right, babe?
[JACK AND KAREN FRENCH KISS, THEN MAKE GROWLING NOISES AT EACH OTHER WHILE WAGGING THEIR TONGUES.]
BILL: Wow. Wow, that is just a beautiful thing to see. Isn't being married great? Is there anything better?
KAREN: Yeah. Riding on the back of a Harley with Angelina Jolie. Oh! [GASPING] Oh! Bad, bad, bad.
JACK: That's why I brought her in, see? She needs a little bit of a tune-up.
KAREN: Ah, party on!
BILL: Well, that's what we're here for, to support you in your new life. Girls! We've got a slider.
KAREN: What's a--
JODIE: Come on, Karen. You're just in time for the makeup seminar. We're all gonna get cheekbones.
KAREN: Oh. Oh, that's nice, honey. And, uh, when are we gonna learn about bras? [KAREN EXITS WITH THE OTHER WOMEN.]
JACK: [TO BILL] Well, well, well. Alone at last. In a heterosexual, straight kinda way. You know? So, yeah, you wanna watch the game?
BILL: What game?
JACK: You know, foot-- skip ball?
SCENE VII: Val's Apartment
(VAL brings out two glasses of juice to WILL and GRACE.)
VAL: I'm back!
GRACE: We missed you.
VAL: I hope you like Sunny D.
GRACE: I sunny do. [VAL HANDS WILL AND GRACE A CUP.]
VAL: Oh, wait a sec. [VAL SWITCHES WILL AND GRACE'S CUPS] Uh, that's for you and that's for you.
WILL: [TO GRACE] Are you gonna, hmm...
GRACE: Uh, ok, Val, um, I--I don't know how to say this, but, uh... Where did you get the... Snow globes?
VAL: They belong to my ex-husband. He loved them more than anything. So naturally, I made sure that I got them in the settlement.
GRACE: So you sort of got him by the globes. [CHUCKLES]
VAL: I squeezed 'em real tight and I shook 'em! Shook 'em! Shook 'em!
WILL: Heh heh. Yeah. Globes are fun. You know what else I love? This music box. Where'd you get that?
VAL: Oh, I got that with, uh... Big kitty. They came as a set.
WILL: How long have you had it?
VAL: Oh, for, like, forever.
WILL: Oh, what's it play?
VAL: This old Irish song that I love.
WILL: Sweet. Can I hear it?
[VAL OPENS THE MUSIC BOX. "HAVA NAGILA" PLAYS.]
VAL: [SINGING ALONG TO "HAVA NAGILA"] Gosh and begorra, gosh and begorra, gosh and begorra, my Irish eyes--
GRACE: It's "Hava Nagila!" It's not an Irish song! It's an ancient Hebrew song about... something Jewish! My dad gave this to me for my bat mitzvah. You stole it!
VAL: Grace, I am hurt. How can you say something like that?
GRACE: Read the back. Is your Hebrew name Ruchel? Give it to me. [GRABS THE MUSIC BOX] It's mine!
VAL: Shut up! [GRABS THE MUSIC BOX] It's mine! It's mine!
GRACE: It's not!
VAL: It's mine!
WILL: Come on! Can we take a break? Ok? [WILL BREAKS THEM UP] God you two, I sw-I swear, when you get together, I--I--I know what it must be like to be the father of two pit bulls.
[GRACE GRABS THE MUSIC BOX AND RUNS. VAL GRABS THE BACK OF HER HAIR AND PULLS HER BACK TO THE GROUND]
GRACE: Get off of me! Crazy!
[WILL TRIES TO PULL VAL OFF GRACE.]
WILL: Come on-- [GRACE ACCIDENTALLY KICKS WILL IN THE GROIN] Oh!! [GASPING] My globes! [WILL FALLS TO THE GROUND.]
SCENE VIII: Welcome Back Home
(JACK and BILL are sitting on a couch watching TV.)
JACK: What a great play. Up high. See, um, before, when I was gay, that high-five might have sent a tingle up my thighs straight to my home entertainment center. But now... That I'm straight... Just a couple of guys celebrating the ball doing something good.
BILL: Exactly. Welcome Back Home teaches that physical contact between two men is ok, as long as there's nothing behind it.
JACK: That's us, right?
BILL: Sure, I mean--
JACK: [GRABBING BILL AROUND THE NECK] Ooh ooh. [KISSES THE TOP OF BILL'S HEAD] Mm... [RUBS BILL'S HEAD] Ooh ooh.
[KAREN AND THE WOMEN ENTER.]
KAREN: Oh, how do you do it, ladies? How do you stay straight with so many fine-looking chicks around?
JODIE: Well, we like to keep our love life fresh. So we don't do it that often.
KAREN: Oh, you're lucky. Jack just wants it all the time. And I wanna please him, but... [SIGHS] I don't know, whenever we're making love I just can't stop thinking about... [BEAT] Rosario. [WINCES]
KAREN: She's our maid, but, oh, she's so much more. Yeah. Whenever I see her up on a stepladder, dusting, my eyes just travel up those thin, supple calves to those thick, trunk-like thighs. I just-- Oh, I should stop.
JODIE [WITH THE WOMEN]: No, go on!
BILL: Man, that was a great game. [TURNS THE TV OFF.]
JACK: Yeah. So, wanna hit the showers?
JACK: You know, like they're doing.
BILL: Jack, I don't think that's appropriate.
JACK: What are you talk... It's just a couple of naked straight guys soaping each other down.
BILL: Ok, I--I have to say something here. The back-slapping and the head-rubbing was one thing, but the ear-blowing and the butterfly kisses are not standard NBA practice. And now this shower thing.
JACK: What are you implying?
BILL: You're coming on to me.
JACK: What? I am shocked and appalled. But are you interested?
BILL: You think that you can just come in here and use this group, this group that puts people back on the path of righteousness, as some kind of dating service?
JACK: I just need a yes or a no.
BILL: No! And I wanna make something crystal clear to you and to everyone else in this room. [TO EVERYONE] Excuse me. We are here to lead normal, heterosexual lives. Man and woman are meant to be together. So anyone here who has a misguided notion that Welcome Back Home is some kind of a--a gay pick-up joint, you can just leave right now.
[EVERYONE LEAVES EXCEPT FOR BILL, JACK, AND KAREN.]
KAREN: Well, look at 'em go. I haven't seen a stampede like this since Pamplona. Oh, my god, listen to me. I'm a funny lesbian. I'm Ellen! [KAREN EXITS.]
BILL: [TO JACK] Well, as long as it's a heterosexual soap-down.
JACK: Attagirl. [SLAPS BILL ON THE BACK.]
SCENE IX: Will's Apartment
(GRACE helps WILL into the apartment.)
GRACE: I'm so sorry I kicked you that second time.
GRACE: But you did get in the way.
WILL: I know, it's my fault. I should know to wear a sports cup around you two. Can I ask one small question?
GRACE: Yeah, I would alternate ice and heat on them until the feeling comes back.
WILL: Different question. Why did you bend over backwards defending this woman when it was so clear--
GRACE: I know. I know, I know. She was fun. And I need more women in my life. Besides you.
WILL: It was big of you to forgive her. I thought the hug was a nice touch.
GRACE: Screw forgiveness. When she was hugging me, I stole her watch.
WILL: Why, Grace, you crafty little... Ok, this is my watch.