Original Airdate 4/18/2000
Written by Alex Herschlag & Laura Kightlinger
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Tom Gallop (Rob)
Leigh-Allyn Baker (Ellen)
Steve Paymer (Steve)
Gretchen German (Carla)
Jim Ortlieb (Ira)
Jennifer Manley (Polly)
Michele Gregory (Annette)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
(WILL, GRACE, ROB and ELLEN are playing their favorite game. WILL is giving clues as GRACE tries to guess.)
WILL: Ok, uh, uh, uh, school reports, two pieces of paper, uh, uh, uh, hemline in a hurry.
GRACE: What? I don't know, I don't know. Give me another clue.
WILL: Um, your Aunt Honey's stomach.
GRACE: Things that are stapled!
WILL: Thank you.
WILL: [DOING THEIR VICTORY DANCE] Aah!
GRACE: Ok! [TO ROB] All right, time?
ROB: 22 seconds.
GRACE: Ok. Not bad. [WHISPERING TO WILL] If they don't get the next one in 7 seconds, we won. Short hand, we won.
GRACE: [TO ROB AND ELLEN] Ok. Good luck to you guys. You can do it!
WILL: And here we...go!
ROB: Me and you.
ELLEN: People who are getting married.
ELLEN: Well, you know, we've been thinking about it and--
GRACE: What, in 4 seconds? [TO WILL] They must've cheated. They suck at this!
WILL: Hey, maniac, they're not playing the game. They're making an announcement.
GRACE: Ohh! Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Congratulations! [QUIETLY TO WILL] Then we won.
WILL: Hey, I have a chilled bottle of very expensive champagne, which I've been saving for a special occasion. Who wants coffee?
ROB: Um, Will, there's actually one more question I need to pop. Um, will you be my best man?
WILL: Rob, you are not only my friend, you're my accountant, and any guy that can figure out a way to deduct Jack McFarland as an entertainment expense... Come here! [ROB AND WILL HUG]
ELLEN: Wait, wait, wait. Ok. We're not done. Grace... Would you be my maid of honor?
GRACE: Oh, my God, Ellen, that is so sweet. Come here. [GRACE AND ELLEN HUG] No.
ELLEN: What? W-why?
GRACE: Well, gosh, you don't want two redheads in the--in the wedding party. It's--it's a red menace.
ELLEN: Since when, Grace?
GRACE: Since never. I made it up. I'll do it.
GRACE: Of course I will!
ELLEN: Great! I am so--so jazzed about all this.
ROB: You know, you guys, you're the best, and we hate to cut this evening short, but, uh, we got to break the big news to everyone in our line dancing club.
WILL: Ah, well, while you're there, you might want to break the news that line dancing is over.
ELLEN: You kidder.
ROB: You guys are the best! I love you guys.
[ROB AND ELLEN EXIT]
WILL: The red menace? What was that about?
GRACE: Oh, um, you know, I just... I just have this issue with Ellen. It's a long, complicated story.
WILL: So give me the short version.
GRACE: I slept with Rob. Good night. [GRACE TURNS TO LEAVE]
WILL: Whoa! No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Gonna need the long, complicated version. Go.
GRACE: Ok. Danny and I had just broken up. Ellen and Rob were going through yet another one of their breakups. In a nutshell, a chance encounter at a restaurant, rain, booze, sympathy, knees touching, more booze, more rain, more sympathy, cab ride, and then... [BEAT] ... [QUIETLY] stuff.
WILL: I can't believe you haven't told me this. I mean, there was that time last April when I was so depressed, and this would've pulled me right out of it.
GRACE: You see, this is exactly why I didn't tell you, because I knew that you would enjoy it, that you would make jokes and judge me and call me names and...
WILL: Grace, give me a little credit. You little minx.
GRACE: All right. That's it. [GRACE GETS UP AND EXITS]
SCENE II: Will's Apartment
(WILL and JACK have pencils and notepads and are planning Rob's bachelor party.)
WILL: Ok, bachelor party. Let's review what we got so far. "8:00, the guests arrive. 8:30, something fun happens." Um... My name in bubble letters, and then a picture of a man on a donkey. I got nothing. [WILL SHOWS JACK HIS NOTEPAD.]
JACK: Oh, my god. I got a donkey, too. Well, you know why we're blocked. 'Cause heterosexual marriage is just wrong. I mean, if God had intended man and woman to be together, he would've given them both penises.
WILL: I believe I heard Pope Ru Paul II say that.
JACK: I know! A progressive spa party. Yeah. We'll go from one lovely bachelor's pad to the next. And at each place we'll do a different treatment. A steam facial here, a deep pore cleansing there... And then-- Knock, knock, hello, seaweed wrap? Yes. Come on in.
WILL: That is the gayest thing I've ever heard.
JACK: I know. Isn't it yummy?
GRACE: [ENTERING, UPSET] I can't do it. I can't do it, Will. I can't do this bridal shower. I am so racked with guilt, I'm delusional. I'm making the finger sandwiches, and they're all giving me the finger.
JACK: Why so guilty? What'd you do?
WILL: Stuff. Look, I'm having the bachelor party here. You're having the shower in your place. If you start to freak out, just come over and get me. It'll be fine, I promise.
GRACE: Ok. [WILL AND GRACE HUG]
WILL: All right.
JACK: Oh. Oh, I know. I know what this is. Will told me everything. Grace, you really did it this time.
GRACE: [TO WILL] You told him I slept with Rob?!
WILL: Uh, No.
JACK: Works every time.
GRACE: [GRABBING JACK BY THE COLLAR] Listen to me, Chatty Cathy. You keep this to yourself! Not a word. We do not speak of this again. You understand?
JACK: You little minx.
GRACE: [POINTING IN JACK'S FACE] Chchchchc! [GRACE EXITS]
JACK: That was fun. Now I'm hungry. Take me to Black Angus. [JACK GRABS A SPATULA, BENDS OVER, AND "BRANDS" HIMSELF ON THE BUTT.]
WILL: No, no! We've got to figure this bachelor party thing out, so, I mean, just think. Straight world is backwards world, so what is the absolute last thing that you and I would want to see at a party?
[CUT TO LATER. A STRIPPER IS STANDING AT THE DOOR, DRESSED IN A COP'S SHIRT, WEARING A LEATHER SKIRT.]
CARLA: Hi. I'm Sergeant Goodbody, and I'm here to give Rob a citation for being a very bad boy. [RIPS OFF HER SHIRT]
WILL: Oh, my god! A stripper! You know, Rob, as your attorney, I would usually advise against this sort of thing, but as your friend, I say partay heartay! [SOTTO TO JACK] Did I do that right?
JACK: Uh, I think you have to add a "whoo-hoo."
SCENE III: Grace's Apartment
(GRACE is getting ready for ELLEN's shower...setting up the picnic area with a blanket and pillow.)
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
KAREN: Hi, honey.
GRACE: What are you doing here?
KAREN: Oh, I was just taking a little walk.
GRACE: You don't walk.
KAREN: Well, I was just going out for a little snack.
GRACE: You don't eat solid foods.
KAREN: I love you.
GRACE: Oh, right! Right. Oh, Stan's mother's in town.
KAREN: Oh, I'm telling you, she's evil! I'm being tortured in my own home! She's irresponsible, she's lazy, she drinks, and worst of all, she makes fun of what I wear! What are you supposed to say to a woman like that?
GRACE: Uh, "Karen, may I take your coat?"
GRACE: Karen, you cannot stay. Ellen is going to be here any second for her bridal shower, and she's bringing a couple of friends from Wehauken.
KAREN: Oh, oh, come on, honey, let me stay. I've always wanted to see those people up close instead of just driving through their habitat and having them jump on the hood of the car. Come on, please. Oh, please?
GRACE: No! No, Karen. Ellen is--is--is a dear friend of mine, and she's entrusted me with the responsibility of being the maid of honor, and I take it very, very, very seriously.
KAREN: Oh, my god! You slept with the groom!
GRACE: [GASPING] What? How did you-- What? Do you-- Do you have three 6s on your head?
KAREN: No, but I got a fifth in my bloodstream. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha! Ha! Even in an adulteress' apartment, I'm funny. Ha ha ha! I can't breathe! Ha! I can't breathe.
SCENE IV: Will's Apartment
(Cut back to Will's apartment with WILL, JACK, ROB, IRA, STEVE, and CARLA THE STRIPPER.)
CARLA: So who'd like the first lap dance?
ROB: Oh, gosh, I don't know. I mean, Ellen's across the hall, and I've got that hiatal hernia.
WILL: Well, Steve?
STEVE: No. I can tell she doesn't like me.
WILL: Ok, Ira, she's all yours.
IRA: My lap's a little tender right now.
WILL: What does that mean?
IRA: Just leave me alone.
JACK: Well, all right, damn it. I'll do it. I mean, I copped a feel. Might as well feel a cop. All right. Come to papa!
SCENE V: Grace's Apartment
(Cut back to Grace's apartment with GRACE and KAREN.)
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
GRACE: [TO KAREN] Ok, we're going to sit down now, and you're going to pretend like you're a human being.
KAREN: You little minx.
GRACE: Not a word! [OPENING THE DOOR] Ellen, hi!
GRACE: Welcome to your shower.
[ELLEN ENTERS, FOLLOWED BY HER FRIENDS POLLY AND ANNETTE.]
ELLEN: Oh, my god! My shower!
GRACE: Come on in.
ELLEN: And you've done one of your picnics.
GRACE: Isn't it fun?
POLLY: Oh, so much fun!
ANNETTE: I can't believe how much fun!
ELLEN: Grace, everything is really cute. I hope you didn't put yourself out.
KAREN: Oh, too late! Ha ha!
SCENE VI: Will's Apartment, Service Stairwell
(Cut back to Will's apartment. JACK has run out the kitchen side door to the service stairwell/roof access hallway. WILL follows him.)
WILL: Jack, what's going on? Why'd you run out in the middle of your lap dance? Does your ass have attention deficit disorder, too?
JACK: Will, something really bad happened. I got, uh... I got... [WHISPERING] excited.
WILL: You mean, excited like "I want to wear what she's wearing" excited?
JACK: No! Excited the way the 3 of the 4 Baldwins and one of the 2 Quaids get me excited.
WILL: Oh, my God. It's finally happened. You've gotten so gay, you've looped around to straight again.
JACK: This isn't funny! Nothing like this has ever happened to me before. I'm really freaked out right now.
WILL: Calm down. I know exactly what to do.
WILL: Tell Grace. [WILL RUNS BACK INTO THE APARTMENT.]
[CUT TO THE HALLWAY BETWEEN WILL AND GRACE'S APARTMENTS.]
GRACE: Oh, my god! Jack got turned on by a woman? Well, he couldn't be straight, so, what, now he's a lesbian?
WILL: Well, he's got the haircut for it. So how's it going for you, Sleep-Around-Sue?
GRACE: What happened to minx?
WILL: I'm saving that for just the right moment. Minx.
GRACE: Can we stop?
WILL: I'm sorry. What, when you drop a bomb like--like you and Rob sleeping together, what, I'm supposed to let it go?
GRACE: Oh, please.
WILL: Little dirty--dirty, cutie--cutie sleeping with Robbie--Robbie-- [ELLEN IS STANDING IN GRACE'S DOORWAY] Oh!
GRACE: [NOTICING ELLEN] Oh.
ROB: [OPENING WILL'S DOOR] Will, is it ok if we watch The English Patient? [OFF WILL AND GARCE'S LOOKS] What? [NOTICING ELLEN, STANDING WITH HER HANDS ON HER HIPS] That's not a happy face.
ROB: Ellie, we were broken up. I mean, I was a mess. I was out of my head.
WILL: He's right. When a man gets that low, he'll reach for anything, anything.
GRACE: Yep, that's me. I'm the step you take right before the gun.
WILL: Oh, I'm sorry.
ELLEN: Ok. Somebody tell that skank not to talk to me! [TO ROB] And you, Mr. Man, are worse than a skank. You're a skunk who sleeps with skank! Skunk! [TO GRACE] Skank!
GRACE: Ok, Ellen, I-I-I am so sorry, but could we just agree that kind of language is uncalled for?
ELLEN: The wedding's off, Grace.
ROB: Oh, Ellen, you can't--
ELLEN: Aah! I am so humiliated and disappointed, and I just pray to God our friends never find about this. [ENTERS WILL'S APARTMENT. OFF-SCREEN] Everybody, Rob slept with Grace. The wedding is off! [DOOR SLAMS]
ROB: [TO GRACE] You and your big mouth!
GRACE: Me?! What about him and his big mouth?
ROB: As far as I'm concerned, you both have big mouths! [ENTERS GRACE'S APARTMENT, OFF-SCREEN] I slept with Grace. Wedding's off! [SLAMS DOOR]
GRACE: [TO WILL] What do you want to do?
WILL: Go in there, get Rob, and we will work this out together.
GRACE: No, no, I can't go in there. Everybody hates me.
WILL: Grace, I promise you, no one is even thinking of you right now, ok?
GRACE: All right. [GRACE OPENS HER DOOR] Ok. Hi, everybody.
EVERYBODY: [OFF-SCREEN] Boo! Boo! [THEY THROW SALAD AND PILLOWS AT GRACE.]
SCENE VII: Will's Apartment, Service Stairwell
(JACK is still in the service stairwell/roof access hallway.)
JACK: [TO HIS GROIN] What were you thinking?! [SMACKS HIMSELF]
KAREN: [EXITING FROM WILL'S APARTMENT] Poodle.
JACK: Oh, Karen! [JACK GRABS KAREN AND HUGS HER]
KAREN: I know. I know, honey. Will told me. Listen, I'm sure it was just a fluke or an allergic reaction. I mean, Stan's head swells when he eats a peanut.
JACK: Karen, I know the difference between 6:00 and 12:00, and this was midnight at the oasis.
KAREN: All right, all right. Well, come on. Let's try a little reenactment and see if we can figure out what happened.
KAREN: Sit down. Ok. All right. Now... She probably started out with a little of this action. [SHAKING HER BREASTS IN JACK'S FACE] Ohhhh, yeah! Ohhhhh!
JACK: Well, she wasn't really that boob intensive. She just kind of sat on my lap and moved around a lot.
KAREN: Oh, well, then it was just simple friction. Ok. Come on. Here we go. [SITTING ON JACK'S LAP] Ok. All right. [SINGING, GRINDING HER HIPS ON JACK'S LAP] This is the way the wheel goes round, the wheel goes round, the wheel goes round.
JACK: Karen, you're chafing me.
KAREN: Just give me another couple seconds.
JACK: It's not working.
KAREN: Maybe not for you. [JACK PUSHES KAREN OFF HIS LAP]
JACK: It's no use. I'm a freak! I'm an aberration. I'm a man that gets turned on by... women.
KAREN: But not by me? You know, that hurt. You should really be careful what you say. You should realize that words are weapons, you little sissy! Now, wake up down there! [SNAPS HER FINGERS AT JACK'S GROIN]
JACK: Karen! This isn't about you. This is about me and this sickness I have.
CARLA: Jack? I've been looking for you. I still owe you half a lap dance.
JACK: Um, couldn't you just give it to the needy?
Look, I never do this, but I think you're really cute, so... If you change your mind, here's my card.
JACK: Uh, that's very nice of you. I don't think I'll be changing my mind any time soon... [READING THE CARD] "Carl," because I'm a-- You're a Carl?
CARLA: From the waist down. From the waist up, I'm Carla.
JACK: So you're not a girl?
CARLA: Not yet, but God willing, by fall I will be.
JACK: Oh, thank God. I'm still gayer than Christmas!
KAREN: All right. Speaking of half women, I got to get back to Stan's mother. Oh, wait, hey, say! Come on. Come with me. We'll scare the crap out of her, and we'll get you $1,000 closer to your snippety doo-dah day. Come on.
SCENE VIII: Will's Apartment, Will's Bedroom
(ELLEN has locked herself in WILL's bathroom. ROB and GRACE are standing at the door while WILL stands nearby.)
ROB: Ellen, Peaches, listen. The thing between Grace and me meant nothing.
GRACE: That's right, El, nothing.
ROB: It was just a meaningless encounter.
GRACE: A wrong detour.
WILL: A pathetic, miserable act between 2 desperate sweaty people. [ROB AND GRACE GLARE AT HIM] Did I say that out loud?
ROB: Look, El, she was nothing compared to you. I mean, you know I don't like bony girls. It was like-- It was like having sex with a cricket.
GRACE: Yeah? Well, I was fake chirping.
ROB: [TO THE DOOR] Please, come out?
GRACE: [TO THE DOOR] Please, Ellen.
ELLEN: [PEEKING OUT THE DOOR] I'm not talking to skunk or skank. I will only talk to Will.
GRACE: [TO ROB] Cricket? I'm so never sleeping with you again. [GRACE AND ROB EXIT]
WILL: Ellen, I know you're hurting, but there's something you got to know. Rob is hurting, too.
ELLEN: [EXITING THE BATHROOM] Do you have any condoms?
WILL: Top drawer. I mean, he loves you. He cares for y-- I'm sorry, condoms?
ELLEN: Yeah. We're having sex. Hey, it's the only way to even the score with Rob and Grace. It has to be done.
WILL: Ok, wait, wait. Slow down. One of us is gay.
ELLEN: Yeah. Get over it. [ELLEN CRAWLS ONTO THE BED] Now, I want you to throw me on the bed and have your beastly way with me.
WILL: Ellen, that is not going to happen. You and I are not going-- [ELLEN RIPS OFF HER BLOUSE] Oh, my God, you're in a bra.
ELLEN: Get a load of these torpedoes.
WILL: Ellen, damn the torpedoes!
ELLEN: [SHAKING HER BREASTS] Give it over to your mama.
WILL: Ok, don't. Stop! Stop! Stop. Look, I know you're in pain, but this is no way to deal with it. I mean, look at you. What are you doing?
ELLEN: Oh! Oh, my god, you're right. Oh, my god. Look at me. What is wrong with me? I'm just a dumb stupid idiot-head. [THROWS HERSELF ONTO THE BED]
WILL: Oh, Ellen, it's ok. It's--it's just--
[ELLEN GRABS WILL, THROWING HIM ON THE BED, STRADDLING HIM, THEN KITS HIM.]
ELLEN: Now, I'm gonna grind you like a fresh cup of coffee.
[CUT TO THE LIVING ROOM. ROB IS PACING.]
GRACE: Don't worry, Will is fantastic is these kinds of situations. Trust me. He will not come out of there until he has fixed this.
ROB: Yeah. Yeah, you're right.
[WILL STUMBLES OUT OF THE BEDROOM, WITH HIS PANTS AROUND HIS ANKLES.]
WILL: I--I give up! Forget it! Th-Th-This has gotten way out of hand! There's a crazy woman in there coming at me like--like Chuckie in a "C"-cup.
GRACE: What now?
ROB: You know what? There's only one person who can make this right.
WILL: Hey, I'm not going back in there unless she is sedated or trussed up like a turkey.
ROB: I'm talking about me, Will.
WILL: Oh, right. Yes. Go. Good for you.
ROB: Come on. Let's do it.
GRACE: Ok. You can do it.
WILL: We got faith in you, buddy.
GRACE: Go, Rob!
WILL: Never gonna happen.
GRACE: He's a dead man. Oh, God, what am I going to do? What am I going to do? I know! I know! I'll do what I did in college.
WILL: Oh, Grace, I got rid of my bong years ago.
GRACE: Not that. Whenever Ellen and I would get into a fight in college, I would make her a tunnel of fudge bundt cake. We would talk, we would eat, and, somehow, everything would work out ok.
WILL: Of course. Much like the apple brown betty that ended the Battle of Guadalcanal. Grace, we don't have time.
GRACE: Don't you see that I have to do something? I mean, Ellen is one of my oldest and dearest friends. I mean, when my father was sick, Ellen was there. When I didn't get into that Paris program, Ellen was there. And then when--and when Danny and I broke up, Ellen was-- Well, Rob was there, but-- but Ellen was just a few blocks away. God. Now I've totally ruined their marriage.
ROB: [OFF-SCREEN, MOANING] Ohhhh! Ohh-Ohh!
GRACE: Was that you?
GRACE: So that means that was--
GRACE: Right there on your--
WILL: Oh, yeah. Let's get out of here.
GRACE: No. I can't go anywhere until I know that Ellen's forgiven me.
WILL: [YELLING TOWARDS THE BEDROOM] Ellen, have you forgiven Grace?
ELLEN: [OFF-SCREEN] Oh, God, yes!
GRACE: Good enough for me. Want to go get something to eat?
WILL: No, I want to go get some new sheets.