Original Airdate 4/4/2000
Written by Gail Lerner
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Shelley Morrison (Rosario McFarland)
Debra Mooney (Sister Robert)
Mary Pat Gleason (Sally)
Megan Taylor Harvey (Carrot Girl)
Daryl Sabara (Broccoli Boy)
Athena Kihara (Radish Girl)
Ryan Tyler Collier (Boy)
Richard Wharton (Gerald)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment Building
(WILL and GRACE exit the elevator and WILL fumbles at his apartment door.)
WILL: Where's the key? Where's the key?!
[WILL AND GRACE ENTER WILL'S APARTMENT]
GRACE: Will, you're just setting yourself up. We're not going to win.
WILL: I need the phone. I need the phone.
GRACE: Who are you? Vinnie Two-times? Stop saying everything twice.
WILL: Ok, ok. [BEAT] Ok. Why are you not more excited about this? This is--This is front-row seats to a sold-out Joni Mitchell concert. You love her.
GRACE: Will, regular people don't win these things. It's just losers who have the radio station on speed-dial.
[WILL HITS A BUTTON ON THIS PHONE. BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP]
GRACE: Oh, Will. [SIGHS] Look, you do what you want, but you are on your own. I'm not going to get myself all pumped up about something just to be devastated when it doesn't happen.
WILL: [INTO PHONE] Hello? [TO GRACE] I got someone.
GRACE: Oh, my god! We're gonna win! We're gonna win! I knew it!
WILL: Hi, my name is-- [YELLING OFF-SCREEN] Get off the phone!
JACK: [ENTERING FROM WILL'S BEDROOM] No, you get off the phone!
WILL: Hang up!
JACK: No, you hang up!
WILL: You are such a child.
JACK: Nuh-uh! You're the child.
WILL: Give me that phone!
WILL: That is my phone.
JACK: It's my apartment.
WILL: It is not your apartment!
JACK: Between 10:00 and 5:00 it is. You know the deal.
WILL: That deal only exists in your head. Now give me the--
GRACE: [FLIPPING THROUGH A MAGAZINE] Oh, my god. Naked pictures of James Van Der Beek.
JACK: What? Where? I knew he'd crack.
WILL: [GRABBING THE PHONE FROM JACK] [SING-SONG] Ha-ha!
[WILL HITS THE SPEED-DIAL ON THE PHONE.]
WILL: Busy. [WILL REPEATEDLY SPEED-DIALS IN THE BACKGROUND...]
JACK: This call better be important. I was talking Rory through a very tragic body wax that nearly cost him a teat.
GRACE: It is important. It is Joni Mitchell. And if we are the 105th caller, we win front row seats.
JACK: Ok, easy does it, geekicious. It's not like it's brunch with Cher. [GASPS] Oh, my God. How great would that be? [IMITATING CHER] More huevos rancheros, Jack? Oh, thank you...
WILL: [INTO THE PHONE] Oh, yes, I'll hold. [TO GRACE] I'm holding.
GRACE: [PRAYING] Oh, God, please just give me this one thing and I will dedicate myself completely to thee. Ok, maybe not completely, because, you know, I have a life. But--but trust me. I will make it so worth your while. Really, God, if you think about it, it's win-win.
WILL: [INTO THE PHONE] Uh, hi, yes. My name's Will Truman. I love your radio station. I even have it on speed-dial. [TO GRACE] They're laughing at me. [INTO THE PHONE] I'm the 105th caller? I won? Uh, could you just hold on for a minute, please?
[WILL AND GRACE GRAB EACH OTHER, JUMPING UP AND DOWN, SQUEALING]
WILL: [INTO THE PHONE] Hi, yes, I'm back. Truman.
JACK: [TO GRACE] So, now what are you gonna do, Grace? Huh? You made a promise to the big girl upstairs.
JACK: I'm talking about the Lord.
GRACE: Jack, just--
JACK: You don't want to mess with the almighty, Grace. You don't want to go to he-ell. You know what heat and sulfur does to your ha-air.
GRACE: Stop it! I have every intention of keeping my promise.
WILL: [INTO PHONE] Thank you, yeah. [HANGING UP] We won!
GRACE: I know! And that's why I'm gonna do something for charity.
WILL: Good for you.
WILL: And...very good for you.
GRACE: No, see, you and I have to do something to deserve these tickets.
WILL: Grace, this is not about miracles or divine intervention. Ok? I had the skill to be the 105th caller. Don't-- No, I'm not doing charity.
GRACE: Look, look, I'm sorry. I'm hung up on this. So we can either drag this out, or we can just shorthand it.
GRACE: Will, do it.
GRACE: Come on.
WILL: All right.
JACK: [SCOFFS] God, you two are so married.
SCENE II: Karen's Penthouse, Karen's Closet
(KAREN and JACK are in the door to KAREN's closet. The lights are off. JACK is carrying a pink shopping bag.)
JACK: Oh, my god, Karen. I'm so excited. I've never been in your closet before.
KAREN: Well, don't get your hopes up, honey. You'll just be disappointed.
[KAREN TURNS ON THE LIGHT. THE CLOSET IS HUGE, WITH MULTIPLE ROOMS, A COUCH, A SITTING TABLE...]
JACK: Oh, my god. If my closet were like this, I never would have come out of it.
KAREN: Oh, Lord. There's nothing here. I mean, why do we have to do this?
JACK: Hey. Grace hit me up to give clothes to charity, too. It was hard, but I dug deep, and I gave away two bags... of Will's favorite sport coats.
KAREN: Yeah, but I mean, look around, Jack. What-- What could I possibly give away? [KAREN PULLS A SLIDING DRESS RACK OUT OF THE WALL]
JACK: [PULLING A PAIR OF GREEN PANTS OFF A RACK] I'll take this. The color really brings out my ass.
KAREN: Oh, come on. Focus! We're not here for you, we're here for the homeless.
JACK: They are so lucky. I hope they know how lucky they are.
KAREN: All right, well... Let's just jump in. Ok. Here's a sweater. [DROPS THE SWEATER INTO JACK'S BAG] Here's a hat. [DROPS IT INTO THE BAG] Here's my arm! Here's my heart! I can't do this! [KAREN THROWS HERSELF ONTO THE COUCH]
JACK: Karen, of course you can do this.
KAREN: No, I can't. It's like giving away your own children. No, it's harder. You can always have another kid, but Hermes only made this print once!
JACK: Now, give me one good reason why a man can't go out in a nice pillbox hat? [JACK PUTS ON THE HAT AND STANDS IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR] Hello, reason. [LOOKING INSIDE THE HAT] Oh, my God, look. There are actually pills in here.
KAREN: Come on, put that away and help me out. Every item has such sentimental value. I mean... Take this dress. [KAREN PULLS A DRESS OFF THE RACK] Stan gave it to me on our honeymoon. To this day, every time I wear it, he can't keep his hands off of me. Sayonara. [KAREN DROPS THE DRESS INTO THE BAG.]
ROSARIO: [ENTERING] You have a phone call.
KAREN: Hey! Don't just barge in here barking orders at me. I'm in the middle of the hardest thing I've ever had to do!
ROSARIO: It's your pharmacist.
KAREN: [TO JACK] Honey, I have to take this.
JACK: It's all right. I can handle it.
KAREN: Oh, you can handle it? Interesting. You know, I have spent most of my adult life and millions of my husband's dollars learning about fashion. What are your qualifications, hmm?
JACK: Umm... I'm gay.
KAREN: Oh, honey. What would I do without you?
JACK: You never have to worry about that. [JACK AND KAREN REACH OUT TO HUG]
KAREN: Oh! [TURNING AWAY FROM JACK] Eww!
JACK: I'll start with the Puccis and Guccis and work my way to the Fioruccis and Susan Luccis. [JACK OPENS THE SHOE CLOSET. THERE ARE RACKS FILLED WITH SHOES] Once I was lost, but now I'm found. [JACK KNEELS RESPECTULLY ONTO ONE KNEE.]
SCENE III: St. Mary's Community Center
(GRACE and WILL enter. SISTER ROBERT is there to greet them.)
GRACE: [TO SISTER ROBERT] Hi. I'm Grace Adler. This is my friend Will Truman. I called this morning. Because I believe, as I'm sure you do, that helping people is--
SISTER ROBERT: Oh, yes. I remember. You had me on the phone for 45 minutes. I get it. You care. You care. [SNEEZING] Ah-choo!
GRACE: God bless you. Oh! Ha ha! I guess--I guess that's a little redundant. I mean, of course you're gonna get blessed. I mean think of who you're married to. I mean... Think of who your father-in-law is. Whoa! Ha ha ha! I'm sorry. I'm a little nervous. I don't know from nuns.
SISTER ROBERT: We generally ask our volunteers to put in a minimum of five hours per week.
WILL: Five? Yeah. That-- You know, my schedule is so nuts right now, between work and trying to have a social life, no offense, I thought maybe it would be best if I, um-- [WILL PULLS OUT HIS CHECKBOOK]
GRACE: Will, she does not want your checkbook charity. What she wants is us to give of our time.
SISTER ROBERT: Oh, you're one of those.
GRACE: [TO SISTER ROBERT] We are willing to do anything for anybody at any time.
WILL: As long as it's between 4:00 and 5:30. [GRACE GLARES AT WILL] 4:00 and 6:00.
SISTER ROBERT: Well, let's see. What have we got left? Oh, our community bazaar is this weekend, and there is an opening on the entertainment committee.
GRACE: Oh, that's perfect! Will and I, when we were in college, we had this little improv group-- The Zanys.
WILL: [SIGHING] Oh...
GRACE: Come on, Will.
GRACE AND WILL [TOGETHER]: We're zany.
SISTER ROBERT: Ok. I think I should tell you, you won't be doing the entertaining.
GRACE: Really? Well, we'll see.
WILL: When do we start?
SISTER ROBERT: You can start right now. Follow me. Our production of Stone Soup is this Saturday afternoon. You two can direct the children and narrate the story.
[SISTER ROBERT LEADS THEM INTO A ROOM. THERE ARE A BUNCH OF KIDS RUNNING AROUND SCREAMING]
GRACE: Oh, this is gonna be great. Kids love me. [A GIRL KICKS GRACE'S SHIN] OW! I'm trying to help!
WILL: We--we--we got to slow down here, 'cause I don't think I can do this. This is a little more than I bargained for.
GRACE: Will, come on. You said that you were gonna help.
WILL: And I want to help. But directing a bunch of screaming kids? This--
RADISH GIRL: [TUGGING AT WILL'S PANT LEG] Mister, will you save our play?
WILL: [TO THE CHILDREN] Let's make magic, people. [CLAPPING]
THE CHILDREN: Yay!
[3 DAYS LATER...]
WILL: [READING] And once all the vegetables were in the pot, the mysterious stranger stirred it into a rolling boil.
GRACE: [READING] And the villagers cheered because they knew they'd be enjoying the delicious stone soup that they all made together.
WILL: [WHISPERING] Ok, guys, say your line.
THE CHILDREN [ALL]: [SAD] Aww!
WILL: No, the other line.
THE CHILDREN [ALL]: [CHEERING] Yay!
WILL: All right! Good one! Everybody grab a cookie and gather around.
BROCCOLI BOY: [TO WILL] Are you two married?
WILL: Married? No.
BROCCOLI BOY: I'm never, ever gonna get married. Girls are yucky!
WILL: Right back at you, Bri.
CARROT GIRL: [TO GRACE] You read too fast.
GRACE: You forgot half your lines, Little Miss Roughage.
GRACE: That carrot has been giving me attitude for three days. If she doesn't watch out, she's gonna end up in a juicer.
WILL: She's 6, Nurse Ratched.
GRACE: I'm just trying to help!
WILL: So don't try so hard. Relax. Besides, it's all gonna be over in a few hours, and then tonight, Joni Mitchell.
GRACE: Oh, my god. I can't wait. [SINGING] I was a free man in Paris, I was unfettered and ali-ive.
WILL: Ok, let's, um, let's just leave it to Joni.
GRACE: I thought you liked my singing?
WILL: Huh. [TO THE KIDS] Ok. Now, this afternoon, remember to speak up and don't turn your backs to the audience. Ok? And, uh, have a good time because it's gonna be the best play ever. Right?
THE CHILDREN [ALL]: Right!
WILL: And we're gonna have a lot of fun, right?
THE CHILDREN [ALL]: Right!
GRACE: And we're all gonna keep our costumes nice and clean until then, right? [SILENCE] And then after the show, we're all gonna go out for ice cream, right?
THE CHILDREN [ALL]: Right!
GRACE: [SOTTO, TO WILL] By the way, we're totally not doing that.
WILL: Ok, now the play starts at 5:00, which means everybody should be in their costumes and ready to go at what time?
THE CHILDREN [ALL]: Yay!
WILL: 4:30. Exactly.
SISTER ROBERT: [ENTERING] Wait a minute, children. I have something I need to say. [COUGHS] Oh, that fricacta flu will be the death of me. Anyway, since you all have done such a good job, Father Gallagher has decided to make the play the finale of tonight's bazaar.
THE CHILDREN [ALL]: Yay!
SISTER ROBERT: Be here at 7:30. You go on at 8:00.
GRACE: 8:00? 8:00? 8:00? No, no, no. See, we have plans at 8:00. We have front-row seats for Joni Mitchell at 8:00, so we have to go. Right? I mean you would do the same thing.
SISTER ROBERT: I've never been beyond that fence.
GRACE: I can't believe this. We're gonna miss Joni Mitchell.
WILL: What can we do? We made a commitment.
GRACE: [SIGHS] Yeah. I guess you're right. I never said charity was easy.
GRACE: [SINGING] You know I'd go back there tomorrow but for all the work I've taken on--
WILL: Sweetie, don't make it worse than it already is.
SCENE IV: Karen's Penthouse, Karen's Closet
(KAREN is finishing getting dressed while ROSARIO stands by, holding her scarf and pin.)
KAREN: Look at this place. It's virtually empty. Jack really cleaned me out. I heard an echo this morning in the fur vault.
ROSARIO: Yeah, yeah, you're a giver.
KAREN: And... I think we've got a yes.
ROSARIO: Doesn't work.
KAREN: What the hell do you know about fashion?
ROSARIO: You are packed in there tighter than a... blood sausage.
KAREN: Hey, you washed up on the shore of this country in an inner tube wearing a banana leaf and a couple of coconuts.
ROSARIO: Listen, lady, I flew here on business class with my Aadvantage miles. Now, take it off so I can clean it and burn it.
KAREN: The only thing that's gonna get burned is your arm when I put my cigarette out on it.!Try to remember that the next time you open up your boca! It's the scarf, isn't it?
ROSARIO: It's a cleaner look without it.
KAREN: Ok, gone.
ROSARIO: What about the shoes?
KAREN: Oh, come on. Do you even have to ask?
ROSARIO: Oh, Miss Karen, you love those shoes like your own husband.
KAREN: Bite your tongue. Husbands come and go, but the Chanel Slingback is forever.
[KAREN OPENS THE SHOE CLOSET AND REACHES FOR THE CHANELS. THEY ARE GONE!]
KAREN: [GASPING] Oh!
ROSARIO: [GASPS] Santa Maria!
KAREN: Oh! My slingbacks! They were one of a kind. [GRABBING ROSARIO BY THE SHIRT] What have you done with them?! What have you done with my shoes?!
ROSARIO: Nobody likes to see you squirm more than I do, but I would eat the food you provide for me before I would touch those pumps!
KAREN: Who could have done such a horrible thing?
ROSARIO: Who would be stupid enough to take those pumps?
KAREN: [GASPING] Oh!
[ROSARIO AND KAREN BOTH PUT THEIR HANDS TO THEIR FACES, A LA JUST JACK]
SCENE V: St. Mary's Community Center
(GRACE is with MEGAN--CARROT GIRL--helping her read the story.)
GRACE: Now, sound it out. Mysterious.
WILL: [ENTERING] What-- What are you doing?
GRACE: Nothing. I was just--I was just giving Megan here some notes on her performance.
MEGAN (CARROT GIRL): I'm gonna be the narrator. [GRACE LAUGHS, THEN GIVES MEGAN A DIRTY LOOK]
WILL: Grace, you're the narrator.
GRACE: I know that. You know, I just think that we all should have an understudy. You know, with the flu going--
MEGAN (CARROT GIRL): She's going to Joni Mitchell.
GRACE: I am.
WILL: What?! You-- Come here. You drag me into this, and now you're going to Joni Mitchell? I got the tickets. If anyone should be going to Joni Mitchell, it's me.
GRACE: How could you be so selfish? Hey, hey, Will, come on. The carrot already knows my part anyway.
WILL: Ok, Grace, you want to go? Go.
GRACE: Oh, no. You're not gonna lay a guilt trip on me. I'm staying.
WILL: Good, stay.
GRACE: Will, I'm not staying. It's Joni Mitchell.
WILL: I can't believe you're doing this a half an hour before the show!
GRACE: Will come on. It's not like I planned this.
SISTER ROBERT: [PEEKING IN] There's a taxi here for Grace Adler.
GRACE: Ok, that is downright spooky. I should probably go check on--
WILL: Yeah. Run along. Go take your... big, yellow taxi.
MEGAN (CARROT GIRL): [TO WILL] I thought she'd never leave.
SCENE V: St. Mary's Community Center
(KAREN and JACK enter the thrift shop. A few people are looking around, including Crazy SALLY and GERALD.)
KAREN: Lord, would you look at these people? Why anybody would choose to be homeless is beyond me.
JACK: Karen, nobody chooses to be homeless. It's because they did something bad.
KAREN: I can't bear to think of my babies in a disease-ridden hell-hole like this.
JACK: Karen, this is a church.
KAREN: Don't lecture me, Saint Mary. This is your fault. Just go find my shoes.
JACK: All right. All right.
[KAREN WALKS UP TO A BARREL OF SHOES. SALLY IS ALSO THERE LOOKING THROUGH THE SHOES.]
SALLY: [TO KAREN] Excuse me. You must get this all the time. Are you Mary Todd Lincoln?
KAREN: Nope. And you must get this all the time. Could you take one giant step back? Ok.
[KAREN FINDS ONE SHOE AND GASPS]
[SALLY PICKS UP THE OTHER SHOE AND GASPS]
[KAREN NOTICES SALLY HAS THE OTHER SHOE AND GASPS]
[SALLY NOTICES KAREN HAS THE OTHER SHOE AND GASPS]
JACK: [TO GERALD] I'm so sorry. I have to ask you. Are you the gentlemen who yells obscenities outside Papaya King?
GERALD: Yeah, that's me.
JACK: Ooh, I knew it was you! You're very good. As an actor myself I just have to ask you how do you tap into all that rage?
GERALD: Try not eating for a week.
JACK: Ooh, I wish I had that kind of willpower.
KAREN: [TO SALLY] What do you want? What are you after? What are your terms?
KAREN: Wha-- Uh, blue.
KAREN: All right. Five it is. [COUNTING BILLS IN HER PURSE] 100... 200...
SALLY: Oh, I can't wait. 5 whole dollars.
KAREN: 3-- Right. Yeah, 5 whole dollars. You drive a hard bargain. Ok. [PULLS OUT A FIVE DOLLAR BILL] I don't know how that got in there, but here you go, honey.
[KAREN AND SALLY SIMULTANEOUSLY TRADE.]
SALLY: Wow! $5.00. This is my lucky day!
KAREN: Uh, Crazy? Make it your lucky year. [KAREN HANDS HER A FEW HUNDRED DOLLAR BILLS] Go on.
[JACK WANDERS UP TO KAREN. HES CARRYING A PINK PURSE, A TOY XYLOPHONE, AND A TENNIS RACKET.]
JACK: Karen. I saw what you did just there.
KAREN: You saw nothing.
JACK: [SINGING AND PLAYING ON THE XYLOPHONE] Karen has a heart, Karen has a heart.
KAREN: Oh, all right. I don't even know why I did it. Maybe it's like it says in the Bible, I felt bad because I had no shoes, but then I met someone who had... really bad shoes.
SCENE VI: St. Mary's Community Center, The Stage
(WILL and MEGAN/CARROT GIRL are narrating Stone Soup in front of a full house.)
WILL: Once upon a time there was a village where people didn't know the value of giving. [BEAT] [WHISPERING] Megan. Megan.
MEGAN (CARROT GIRL): And one day a muster-- a meester--
WILL: [WHISPERING] Mysterious.
MEGAN (CARROT GIRL): And one day a mysterious stra-- stran--
WILL: [WHISPERING] Stranger.
GRACE: [ENTERING] And one day a mysterious stranger came to the village and taught the townsfolk a valuable lesson.
[LATER. ALL OF THE KIDS ARE ON THE STAGE BETWEEN GRACE AND WILL.]
WILL AND GRACE [BOTH]: And that was the story of Stone Soup.
BOY: [TO WILL] When do we bow?
[THEY ALL BOW, THEN EXIT BACKSTAGE]
GRACE: You guys were great!
WILL: Flawless. Flawless. Broccoli, Carrot, Radish, fantastic. Onion... you brought a tear to my eye. All right, everybody go and say hi to your parents. You were great. Good job. [TO GRACE] So. What happened?
GRACE: Well, you know, I was just sitting there trying to enjoy the concert, but all I kept thinking about were the kids and their bright little faces, and-- I was asked to leave the concert for singing too loud. [BEAT] By Joni.
WILL: At least Melissa Manchester had the courtesy to call security.
GRACE: Anyway, it was-- it was like I had it coming. You know? Anyway, I'm so glad I got back here, You know? Even though all the kids still hate me.
WILL: Oh, no.
GRACE: Wh--? [RADISH GIRL, TUGS GRACES PANT LEG]
RADISH GIRL: I don't hate you, Grace. I like you. I think you're pretty.
WILL: Out of the mouths of radishes.
GRACE: [PICKS UP RADISH GIRL] You do?
RADISH GIRL: Yes.
GRACE: Oh, that is so sweet. [TO WILL] See? This makes it all worth it.
RADISH GIRL: Yes, and when I grow up, I want to have fake hair just like you.
WILL: Now that's what makes it all worth it.