Original Airdate 2/29/2000
Written by Tracy Poust & Jon Kinnally
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Gregory Hines (Ben Doucette)
Corey Parker (Josh)
Michael E. Rodgers (Charlie)
Brian Gattis (Waiter)
Kathleen Archer (Delivery woman)
Jo Marie Payton (Mrs. Freeman)
SCENE I: The Offices of Doucette and Stein, Will's Office
(WILL enters with lunch for GRACE and JACK.)
WILL: I don't know how these will be. I had to try a different deli.
GRACE: I'm so bummed they closed down our old place. I loved it there. Stinking Board of Health.
JACK: Ok, Grace, what's going on with that necklace?
GRACE: Josh gave it to me. It's a Chinese serenity symbol. It means "earth and air united as one."
WILL: We have a similar symbol in my culture. It's called, "cheap little stone hanging on a string." Don't give me the face. It's cute, we're glad you're seeing someone. Kumbaya.
BEN: [ENTERING] Good news, Will. [TO JACK] Jackie!
BEN: Hey! [JACK AND BEN HUG AND KISS EACH OTHER'S CHEEK]
WILL: Wh-wh-whoa, whoa! Jack, what are you doing?
BEN: Truman, come on, it's two men kissing. Don't get so uptight.
WILL: It's not that. It's just-- When did earth and airhead unite as one?
JACK: Chello, do you think you're the only one who uses this office?
BEN: Hey, Grace.
GRACE: [COLDLY] Hello, Mr. Doucette.
BEN: Ooh... Ice, ice, baby.
GRACE: Ok, Ben, I know we've had our differences in the past. I decorated your place. You didn't like it. You're crazy. You didn't want to pay. I sued, I won. But who even remembers all that?
WILL: Who, indeed?
GRACE: What I'm saying is, I am perfectly willing to put it all behind us, if you will just give me a simple, "I'm sorry." That's all. A little gesture. [BEN IMMEDIATELY TURNS AWAY FROM GRACE]
BEN: So, Will... This is your lucky day. I found someone I think you should go out with.
JACK: He'll take him.
WILL: Not-- I dunno, blind dates.
BEN: Now, trust me. He's perfect for you.
JACK: He'll take him.
WILL: [TO JACK] Slow down there, trigger. [TO WILL] Look, what makes him perfect?
BEN: He's gay.
JACK: He'll take him.
WILL: You're fixing me up with a guy just because both of us are gay?
GRACE: [TO BEN] As I said, I'm past all this. I'm just giving you the opportunity to clear your conscience. Little, tiny two words.
BEN: [TO WILL] Here's his card. He's an old poker buddy of mine. Call him. What, you want to be celibate the rest of your life?
JACK: Thank you.
WILL: Ben, it's not that I don't appreciate it, it's just that it's a little weird. You're my boss. It makes me feel kind of obligated.
BEN: Good. [TO JACK] See you, Jackie.
JACK: Living you, loving you, living you.
BEN: Grace, always a pleasure. [BEN EXITS.]
GRACE: Wow. The man cannot let go of anything.
WILL: You know what? No, I'm not gonna do this. Blind dates are a nightmare. It always ends up being with some guy who keeps yapping on about his two cats while I spend the whole night trying to figure out a way to get out of there by faking my own death.
JACK: Excuse me, mother superior. It just so happens that I've met many fine young lovelies on blind dates.
WILL: I'm talking about blind dates, not blindfolded dates.
SCENE II: A Restaurant
(WILL is waiting for his blind date, CHARLIE.)
WAITER: Can I get you anything to drink?
WILL: Uh, yeah, let me have a martini. Oh, and look-- since you're going to be our waiter, could you do me a favor? Could you be extremely rude and rush us through our meal? Interrupt us, and don't offer us any dessert.
WAITER: Blind date?
WILL: Oh, yeah.
WAITER: No problem.
[WILL BEGINS PLAYING WITH A BREADSTICK, THEN BEGINS WHISTLING, THEN USING THE BREADSTICK LIKE IT WAS A PICCOLO.]
CHARLIE: [HAS A SCOTTISH ACCENT] Excuse me. I don't mean to sound critical, but I think your breadstick's a bit out of tune.
WILL: Well, that makes sense, because it's... flat bread.
CHARLIE: I hope you're Will.
WILL: I am Will.
CHARLIE: I'm Charlie.
WILL: [SCOTTISH ACCENT] By the way, I'm finding your Scottish brogue particularly appropriate for this venue.
CHARLIE: [AMERICAN ACCENT] Thanks a lot, dude, I love your accent, too.
SCENE III: Grace's Office
(KAREN is sitting at her desk. GRACE and JOSH enter. GRACE is wearing a black and white cow-print skirt.)
GRACE: [TO JOSH] Thanks for walking me back to work.
KAREN: [RE: GRACE'S SKIRT] Whoa. Got skirt?
JOSH: [TO GRACE] Oh, I almost forgot I have another gift for you.
GRACE: Josh, you don't have to keep giving me--
JOSH: I saw this rock on 9th Avenue, and it reminded me of you: beauty in an unlikely place. [KAREN ROLLS HER EYES.]
GRACE: Aww, thanks. It's... It's, um-- Josh, I don't think it's a rock. I think it's gum.
KAREN: Speaking of things you scrape off your shoe, get out of here!
GRACE: [TO JOSH] So, where do you want to have dinner tonight?
JOSH: Wherever you want.
GRACE: Ok, but--but what are you in the mood for?
JOSH: Grace, I just want to be with you, so it really doesn't matter.
GRACE: Oh, Josh.
KAREN: Why doesn't this chair come with an air-sickness bag? [LOOKS AROUND FOR A BAG]
JOSH: [TO KAREN] You know, Karen, there's a pressure point at the base of your neck. I could work on it, to help you release some of that anger.
KAREN: [TO JOSH] Lay one paw on me and you'll be picking up two other rocks on 9th Avenue.
GRACE: Karen, don't make me get the hose. Josh, I'll see you later.
JOSH: I wish it were later.
GRACE: I know you do. [GRACE AND JOSH KISS, THEN JOSH KISSES GRACE'S FOREHEAD] Oh, you kissed my third eye.
GRACE: [TO KAREN] Save it. I know what you're going to say. [IMITATING KAREN] "Oh, he makes me sick. I would barf, but that would be a waste of perfectly good puke. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah."
KAREN: Honey, what is this? Who are you? What are you doing?
GRACE: Look, Josh may not be perfect, but he happens to be a really, really great guy. Ok, he could be stronger, a little more decisive, could go 5 minutes without saying, "I love you."
[THE TELEPHONE RINGS.]
GRACE: [ANSWERING THE PHONE] Grace Adler-- Thanks, Josh. You, too. [HANGS UP.] But you can't change people, so--
KAREN: See, now that's where you're wrong. Men are like dogs: you can either neuter 'em or train 'em. Go, go, move, move, mooooove, mooooove. Now you tell me what it is you don't like about the talented Mr. Wimply, and I'll tell you how to change it.
GRACE: Ok. He takes pictures of me sleeping. He thinks that's beautiful. To me, it's a little, [WHISPERING] "The call is coming from inside the house."
KAREN: Easy-squeezie. It's all about communication. You want to just sit him down and you say, "Honey, you take one more picture like that and... I'm not going to have sex with you anymore." Huh? Yeah? How about that? Ha ha.
GRACE: Withhold sex? That's your technique? No! That's ridiculous! Oh, and please tell me that's not how you train your dog.
KAREN: [SIGHS] All right, all right, all right, fine. Different approach. Give me another example. Come on.
GRACE: Ok, every time we go out to dinner, I'm the one who has to pick the restaurant. How come he can't make a decision?
KAREN: Simple-pimple. Again... It's communication. You sit him down and you say, "Josh, if you don't pick a restaurant... I'm not gonna have sex with you anymore."
GRACE: I can't say that.
KAREN: Well, of course you can, honey. Come on, say it. "I'm not gonna have sex with you."
KAREN: Come on. "I'm not gonna have sex with you." "I'm not going to have sex with you."
[A DELIVERY WOMAN ENTERS WITH A PACKAGE]
KAREN: "I am not going to have sex with you!"
DELIVERY WOMAN: I'll have sex with you.
SCENE IV: The Offices of Doucette and Stein, Will's Office
(WILL is working at his desk as MRS. FREEMAN enters.)
MRS. FREEMAN: Mr. Doucette called from the car. He wanted you to know that he's a half an hour away.
MRS. FREEMAN: That was about 28 minutes ago.
BEN: [ENTERING] Truman.
WILL: [TO MRS. FREEMAN] Thanks for the heads-up.
BEN: [TO WILL] Nice work closing the Kinnally deal. I thank you, and my house in the Hamptons thanks you. Oh, and I want to play racquetball with you at 6:00.
WILL: Well, I should warn you, Ben, I am a pretty serious racquetball player. I never lose. [OFF BEN'S LOOK] Until today.
BEN: Good man.
WILL: Oh, by the way, Ben-- Just curious-- You didn't happen to hear from Charlie, did you?
BEN: Yeah, I talked to him this morning.
WILL: Oh. I thought he might be out of town, 'cause, you know, it's been 3 days since we had dinner, and I--I haven't heard from him.
BEN: Three days? Wow, guess I misjudged you.
WILL: Whoa, whoa, what does that-- What does that mean?
BEN: Well, I just thought it would work between you two. It didn't.
WILL: But you said you misjudged me.
BEN: Look, Will, I don't know how it works in a gay relationship, but let me tell you how it works with me. Say I go out with a woman. Now, right away, you know she's attractive-- but I mean stunning. She's having a fantastic time. Why wouldn't she? Look at me.
WILL: Does it hurt your back to kiss your own ass like that?
BEN: You get one of those a year, Will. Now, great date for her, so-so date for me. So at this point I do a cost-benefit analysis. Is the cost of pursuing this relationship worth the benefits I will accrue from furthering it?
WILL: What exactly are you saying?
BEN: You're a lousy date, Will. Later.
WILL: Wait-- whoa-- I am not a lousy date. I happen to be a killer date. I have a great sense of humor. I'm a lot of fun. I make a decent income-- could be better, we'll talk-- and I've been told by more than one man that I am, well, hot.
BEN: Did he call you?
WILL: Did-- he-- Well, did-- did-- No.
BEN: Will, I understand. I just knocked the wind out of your sails. You can barely make it through the day.
BEN: And I'll see you on the courts at 6:00. And I must warn you, I'm very limber. I can kiss my own ass.
SCENE V: Grace's Office
(KAREN is getting herself a cup of coffee. She pours some milk into the cup, then smells the milk. Scoffing, she throws the milk out the window. GRACE enters.)
KAREN: [HOLDING OUT CUP] Coffee? [GRACE SHAKES HER HEAD AND KAREN THROWS THE COFFEE OUT THE WINDOW.]
GRACE: So, I tried your technique last night.
KAREN: So tell me already, before I lose my morning buzz.
GRACE: Ok. We had a perfectly nice dinner at a Chinese restaurant I chose. Josh then presented me with a beautiful leaf he found in Central Park.
GRACE: I know. We ended up at a video store. "Josh, what do you want to see?" "I don't care, sweetie. As long as I'm in bed watching it with you, I'm happy."
GRACE: I know. Cut to: we are back at the apartment, making out, clothes are coming off, he's getting excited.
KAREN: Come on, puke and barf. Skip to when you put the lid on the honey pot.
GRACE: So, I pull away. He says, "What?" And then we get into the whole thing-- The new ageyness, the indecisiveness, the leaves, the rocks. I didn't want to say it, but before I knew it, the words were coming out of my mouth: "Josh, things have to change or I'm not having sex with you!"
KAREN: Ahh! You did it!
GRACE: I did!
KAREN: Was he shocked?
GRACE: He was floored!
KAREN: I am good.
GRACE: Yes, you are.
KAREN: So, what did he say?
GRACE: He dumped me!
SCENE VI: Will and Grace's Apartment Building, The Hallway
(WILL and GRACE exit their apartments to see the other one.)
WILL [SIMULTANEOUSLY WITH GRACE]: I need to talk. Good.
GRACE [SIMULTANEOUSLY WITH WILL]: I need to talk. Good.
[BOTH WILL AND GRACE TURN AROUND TO ENTER THEIR OWN APARTMENTS. WILL STOPS.]
WILL: What are you doing?
GRACE: We always go to your apartment.
WILL: Because your apartment smells like asparagus and shoes.
GRACE: Right behind you.
[GRACE AND WILL MOVE INTO WILL'S APARTMENT.]
WILL: Before we get into this, let's be clear: all I really want is for you to listen and tell me I'm right.
GRACE: That's all I want from you.
WILL: It's been 3 days since my date with Charlie. He hasn't called. Now Ben says it's because I'm a lousy date. Ha ha ha ha, I'm laughing. Me? A lousy date? I think he's a lousy date for not calling me, right?
GRACE: Sure. Ok, my turn. Ok, Josh is a great guy. I really like him. There are things about him that could stand to be improved. I try to improve them by withholding sex. And what does he do? He dumps me. He's a fool, right?
WILL: Yeah. Me, now. I mean-- Guys always call me back the next day. Why? Because I got it going on, right?
GRACE: It's so on. Anyway, I had every right to do what I did. As far as I'm concerned, it's Josh's loss.
GRACE: I mean, we're fine.
WILL: We're great.
GRACE: They're the ones who are messed up.
GRACE: I feel better.
WILL: Me, too.
GRACE: Oh... [GRACE EXITS]
WILL: Why didn't Charlie call? I'm a bad date!
GRACE: [ENTERING HER APARTMENT] Withholding sex. I'm a freakin' idiot!
SCENE VII: The Restaurant
(WILL and JACK are standing near the bar.)
JACK: Welcome to the Jack McFarland date clinic. Ok, let's go to zero... And the date begins now. Hi.
JACK: Ok, let's stop right there. First of all, why would you choose to wear your fat jeans on a blind date?
WILL: These are not my fa-- I don't have fat jeans because I'm not fat. Why did I ever think this was a good idea?
JACK: Because I'm an expert. Will, I go on literally thousands of dates a year.
WILL: That doesn't make you an expert, that makes you an escort. Any particular reason we had to come back here?
JACK: Hello, scene of the crime. We have to retrace your steps to find out where, exactly, you went wrong. Now, let's start again. Hi, I'm Jack McFarland.
WILL: I'm Will Truman.
JACK: Ok, stop.
WILL: Come on! W-w-what could I have done wrong? I just said my name!
JACK: It doesn't work. "Will Truman." It's--it's not-- It's a turn-off. What about... Mary Fatjeans? [LAUGHS]
JACK: I'm sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Just givin' ya a little rough love. I know you're in the dark, lady, but the truth is, you're a bit of a catch. Any guy would kill to be standing where I'm standing right now.
WILL: Thanks, Jack.
JACK: You will now forget everything I've just said. [WAVING HIS HAND IN FRONT OF WILL'S FACE AND CLAPS TWICE.]
WILL: You didn't hypnotize me, you monkey.
JACK: [RAISING AN EYEBROW] Didn't I? Now, back to zero. [WILL SIGHS.] Your date is now becoming very bored with you. You can't afford to be coy. Why not show some interest by touching me gently yet... Inappropriately. [WILL REACHES BACK BEHIND JACK'S HEAD] There you go, baby. [WILL SMACKS THE BACK OF JACK'S HEAD] Ow! What was th--
WILL: Ok, let's--let's-- let's go back to zero.
SCENE VIII: Grace's Office
(GRACE and KAREN are sitting at their desks. GRACE is working. KAREN is flipping through a magazine.)
[THE TELEPHONE RINGS]
GRACE: Answer it!!
KAREN: [ANSWERING PHONE] Hello? Uh-- [TO GRACE] Honey, you scared me. What's the name of the company again?
GRACE: [SIGHS] Grace Adler Designs.
KAREN: [INTO PHONE] Grace Adler Designs. [BEAT] Oh, hi, Pharmacist. No, honey, I don't need anything for the weekend. Unless the F.D.A. has approved something new. [BEAT] Oh, terrif. Send me a bottle. Yeah, actually, make it two. Yeah, we're taking family portraits this weekend. Ok, send my best to Lorraine and the kids. Kisses! [KAREN HANGS UP]
GRACE: If you're finished violating federal law, you think you could bring me those sketches I asked for... two weeks ago?
KAREN: Honey, don't start with that or I'm going to go after those pants. Ok? Listen, I know that you're still mad at me about what happened with Josh, but when you think about it, really, honey, shouldn't you be mad at yourself for taking advice from somebody who was probably half in the bag at the time?
GRACE: So, really, I shouldn't be listening to you now.
KAREN: Probably not.
GRACE: Ugh. I don't know. Maybe it's all for the best. I mean, I really like Josh, but--but maybe he's not what I need. I mean, I need a guy who has more of an edge, who's a little tougher. And clearly that's not him.
JOSH: [ENTERING, SLAMMING OPEN THE DOOR] I wanna talk to you!
GRACE: Josh, I was just talking about--
JOSH: You're not talking right now, I'm talking! I went home the other night very upset. More than upset-- I couldn't even meditate. I'm thinking, why is Grace acting like this? She's not manipulative. She's not callous. Where the hell did she get this behavior? And then it hit me. She got it... [POINTING TO KAREN] From you!
JOSH: [TO KAREN] You, a woman who thinks an act of kindness is letting her step-kid have the fruit out of her whiskey sour. You know what? There's only one thing worse than advising someone to use sex as a bargaining chip, and that's [TO GRACE] taking that advice. I mean, maybe I have taken one too many stress management courses, ok? Ok?! Maybe I should lower my dosage of St. John's Wort. Whatever! But I like myself, and I'm not gonna change for anyone. I would gladly work out problems with you, but if you want to continue in this relationship, you take me as I am.
KAREN: [HOLDING OUT HER ARMS] Oh, Josh!
GRACE: [TO KAREN] Back off! [GRACE JUMPS INTO JOSH'S ARMS, WRAPPING HER LEGS AROUND HIM, KISSING HIM PASSIONATELY.]
SCENE IX: The Restaurant
(WILL and JACK are now sitting at a table eating.)
JACK: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down there, cowboy. A gentleman always eats like a lady. And this is probably a good time to compliment your date. Tell me my eyes are pretty.
WILL: The bug eye, or the other one?
JACK: Ok. See, this arrogance is probably why your date with Charlie didn't work out.
WILL: I am not arrogant.
JACK: Yes, you are. You've been acting superior to me all evening.
WILL: That is not arrogance. That's scientific fact. Besides, we had a great date. You know, We--we laughed-- He should have called me.
JACK: You see? There it is again. And what's behind that arrogance? A layer of fat, then fear. Fear, rolled in fat, wrapped in arrogance.
WILL: I am not arrogant, and I am not afraid.
JACK: Then why don't you call him? Could it be fear of rejection? Of--of starting over? Of opening yourself up to someone else? [WILL STOPS AND THINKS] What?
WILL: I think you may have a point.
JACK: [SURPRISED] For real? Wow.
WILL: In spite of your trying to help, Jack, you've actually... helped. I want you to know I appreciate how much you care--
JACK: Shut up, I totally made out with that bartender. [JACK GETS UP AND LEAVES THE TABLE.]
WILL: [DIALING THE PHONE] Hi, Charlie. It's Truman. Will Truman. And I really didn't mean to say that in a "Bond, James Bond" kind of way. Um... I'm sorry I didn't call sooner, but... [CHARLIE ENTERS] You're here.
CHARLIE: [TO WILL] Hello.
WILL: [INTO PHONE] So, call me when you get home. Heh-heh... [HANGING UP] Uh, Hi, what are you doing here?
CHARLIE: Well, it's the only place in town that serves gray meat. Reminds me of home.
JACK: [TO THE BARTENDER] What do you mean you don't remember me? The glitter on my face, the Barbarella costume?
SCENE X: The Offices of Doucette and Stein, Will's Office
(WILL is sitting at his desk. MRS. FREEMAN enters.)
MRS. FREEMAN: Mr. Doucette wants to see you.
BEN: [ENTERING WITH A GYM BAG] Truman.
MRS. FREEMAN: Now.
BEN: [TO WILL] So, word on the street is you're not such a bad second date.
WILL: Yeah, I guess I just need to work on my first-date skills. Were we supposed to play today?
BEN: No, no. I found another partner. Someone who's not gonna show me up on the court.
WILL: What are you talking about? I lost.
BEN: Not by enough.
JACK: [ENTERING] Come on, Ben, let's skidooch. I'm on a shedule. [JACK SWATS BEN ON THE REAR WITH HIS RACQUET AS THEY EXIT.]