"Oh Dad, Poor Dad, He's Kept Me In The Closet and I'm So Sad"

Episode #2.13
Original Airdate 2/15/2000
Written by Katie Palmer
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee

Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)

Sydney Pollack (George Truman)
Perry King (John Marshall)
Mark Ankeny (Ted Farmer)
Mimi Cozzens (BJ)
Joe Ochman (Chuck)

SCENE I: Will's Apartment
(WILL is looking out the window for his dad, GEORGE TRUMAN. JACK and GRACE are also here.)

WILL: Oh! My dad's here! My dad's here. He's just parking his rental car. Got a spot on 78th. Very impressive. Such a cute little parallel parker. Oh! There's the door. Oh! He's getting out of the car. Oh! He's Asian. Ok, that's not my dad.

GRACE: Look at you, Mr. Happy Boots. I wish I got this excited when my dad came to visit me.

WILL: Come on, your dad's great.

GRACE: Yeah, in a parallel universe where my hair's straight and so are you.

WILL: H-How about that time you told him you got into Columbia, and he threw you that big party?

GRACE: That was your dad. When I told my dad I got into Columbia, he said, "Yeah? Well, we're broke. Now, move. You're blocking Baretta."

JACK: Ah, fathers. Yeah. Mine withheld affection for me for 30 years. Then I found out he's not really my father, and my whole life has been a big lie. [BEAT] I'm sorry. Did I bring everybody down?

WILL: Jack, I...I don't know what to say, except-- [KNOCK ON DOOR] My dad's here! Yeah! [WILL OPENS THE DOOR FOR HIS FATHER, GEORGE TRUMAN.]

GEORGE: Will! Ha ha!

WILL: Give me that coat. Come on.

GEORGE: Look at you. You look great.

WILL: Thank you.

GEORGE: That my sweater?

WILL: No. Grandma sent this to me last Christmas.

GEORGE: She took it from me. The woman's getting old, Will. She's getting old. [TO GRACE] Hello, beautiful.


GEORGE: Hey, you working out? [GEORGE FEELS JACK'S ARM]

JACK: Oh, you know, when I can fit it in. Twice a day, 6 days a week.

GEORGE: [TO GRACE] And who looks more like Rita Hayworth every day, huh?

JACK: Oh, George, you're gonna spoil me.

GEORGE: The other Rita Hayworth.



GRACE: Ohh! My father is so bad.

GEORGE: Good to see you, sweetheart.

GRACE: [STILL HUGGING GEORGE] I'm never giving my father another Father's Day present ever again, ever.

WILL: Grace, don't bogart the dad, huh? [TO GEORGE] You want something to eat?

GEORGE: No, don't bother. I'm not hungry, unless you got maybe like a sandwich.

JACK: Make that two.

GEORGE: You know? Don't bother. I'll nibble.

JACK: I'll still have mine.

WILL: Sure, Jack. How about a fat chance on rye?

GEORGE: I almost forgot. Uh, here.

WILL: Oh, dad!

GEORGE: It's nothing. It's a little something. It's nothing. Absolutely nothing. I saw it. It seemed like you, only smaller and flatter and fuzzier. [GEORGE PUTS THE SCARF AROUND WILL'S NECK]

WILL: I love it. Thank you.

GRACE: Only thing my dad ever gave me was feet the size of canoes.

JACK: [TO WILL] Hey, don't get too attached to that. I have a coat of yours that would go perfect with it. Well, I must away.

GEORGE: Got a hot date, Jackie?

JACK: No, but the guy who's dating me does. Heh-heh.

GEORGE: [TO WILL] See? I keep telling you, learn from this man. Follow him around. Do what he does.

WILL: Yeah. I'm sure you'd be very happy to see me dancing on a box in a sequined tube top.

JACK: George, if you ever get tired of him, you'll be exactly like me. Chow mein. [JACK EXITS]

GRACE: So, George, why are you in town?

GEORGE: Well, the company's giving me an award for, uh... I don't know. Working there and not dying.

WILL: An award? You said it was just a business dinner. I wanna come.

GEORGE: No, no, no, don't come, don't come. Nobody's coming. Your brothers are busy, your mom's taking care of grandma, nobody's coming.

WILL: Well, are the Burtons coming?


WILL: B.J. and Chuck?


WILL: Buzz and Rhea and Sherwin and Nancy--

GEORGE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nobody's coming.

WILL: Well, I wanna come.

GEORGE: Don't be silly. See? It's already becoming a thing, and I don't want it to blow up into a situation. Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go to the john.

WILL: See that? It's classic George Truman. He says he doesn't want me to come, but what he really means is "I want you to come. I just don't wanna put you out."

GRACE: Well, my father's never invited me anywhere, except the time he had that lower G.I. series. [SIGHS] Don't think Norman Rockwell's gonna be painting that one.

WILL: Hey, we should go, you know, and surprise him.

GRACE: Yes! Yes! We can go, and we can hide under the table, and when they say his name, we can jump up and go "Surprise!"

WILL: Yeah, and then Harpo and Zeppo could bring in the Dean's wife, and we'll all sail to Fredonia.

GRACE: Hey, don't knock it. It was very funny when we did it in my dad's G.I. series.


SCENE II: Grace's Office
(KAREN is reading a catalog as JACK enters.)

KAREN: Hi, poodle.

JACK: Who's your daddy?

KAREN: You are.

JACK: [SIGHS] Who's my daddy? [SIGHS] Oh, that's right. Some stranger in a Nixon mask who boinked my mother at a pool party in '68.

KAREN: God! That is awful. Who in the world would have a pool party? Ugh!

JACK: I don't know. It's just... Seeing Will with his dad, it feels like there's something missing in my life, you know? Like my soul is on empty.

KAREN: You can go a lot of years on empty, honey. Trust me. Come on. [HOLDING OUT HER CREDIT CARD] Charge yourself a little happy.

JACK: No, Karen. Buying something is not gonna make me feel any better. Although the new Prada slip-on wouldn't make me feel any worse. [TAKES CREDIT CARD AND HEADS FOR THE DOOR.]


JACK: Sad, lonely... Fatherless. Seconds away from recording a country album.


KAREN: [LAUGHING] Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ah-ha ha ha ha!

JACK: Karen, why are you laughing? He's in pain.

KAREN: Oh, I know. He's miserable. He doesn't know who his real father is. It's terrible. Ha ha ha ha!

GRACE: Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, wait a minute! I get the joke! Jack's all alone in the world! [MOCKING] A-Ha ha ha! Funny!

KAREN: Honey, you don't understand. I found him. I found Jack's daddy. I did.

GRACE: What?

KAREN: Yeah. Yeah. I had Private Detective do a little snooping around. He was getting bored following Stan back and forth to Krispy Kreme anyways. And it paid off!

GRACE: Wait a minute, wait a minute. You found Jack's father? Why don't you tell him?

KAREN: Well, honey, I'm working on a setup here. Tonight Jack is gonna meet his real daddy.

GRACE: Again, why didn't you tell him? I know this may be an alien concept to you, but it might have made another person happy.

KAREN: Lord, you are just as simple as that blouse you're wearing. I am trying to create a moment here.

GRACE: Right! So tell him that his father--

KAREN: I'm still talking!

GRACE: All I'm saying--

KAREN: Quit interrupting me!

GRACE: Don't yell at me!

KAREN: I'm not yelling!

GRACE: Yes, you are!


KAREN: [UPSET] God, honey, I was just trying to tell you a little story.



KAREN: Right now... they're both in the dark. However, I am going to call them both and have them meet tonight at Jack's favorite coffee shop. It's gonna be very mysterious, very "who am I meeting?" And then I am gonna arrive to make the big announcement: "Jack, there's a daddy in this room... And I'm not talkin' Puff." Ok! That's so hip.

GRACE: Oh. So basically, you made me feel like an idiot because you're making a father/son reunion all about you.

KAREN: Honey, I think maybe it's those pink go-go boots that are making you feel like an idiot. Ok?


SCENE III: The Waldorf-Astoria, The Banquet Hall
(WILL and GRACE enter.)

GRACE: Your father's gonna be so surprised.

WILL: I know!

GRACE: You look great.

WILL: Thanks. Where is he?

GRACE: Um, Will?

WILL: Huh?

GRACE: You jumped into a tux, popped a Tic-Tac in your mouth. Took all of 5 seconds. [RE: HER DRESS] This took all afternoon. It was like building a boat.

WILL: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You look great. And if I had a bottle of champagne, I'd smash it over your head.

GRACE: That is so sweet.

GEORGE: Oh, my god. What-What are you doing here?

GRACE: Hi! Surprise! We're here!

GEORGE: I know. I got that, Grace, but I told you not to come.

WILL: I know. It's your big night, and we should be here.

GEORGE: No, you shouldn't be here. No, no. Go do something fun. Go-go-go. Put on a sequined tube top, dance on a box.

WILL: Dad, we're staying. And why are you acting so weird? It's like you're hiding something.

GEORGE: No, no. Of course I'm not hiding anything. It's just that it's a little complicated.

TED FARMER: Will? Ted Farmer. And this must be your lovely wife Grace.


GEORGE: [TO WILL] It's not that complicated. Look, please, I beg you. Can we not get into this right now? [TO A PASSER-BY] Hey, how are you? Good to see you.

WILL: You haven't told these people I'm gay?

GEORGE: You walk around telling all your colleagues that I'm straight?

WILL: I think it's implied.

GEORGE: I begged you not to come!

WILL: But Dad--

GRACE: Ok, guys, come on, come on. I'm sure there's nothing that can't be solved by... me leaving. [GRACE MOVES OFF SCREEN]

WILL: I can't believe this is happening!

GEORGE: Shh-shh-shh! Please don't make a scene.

WILL: I don't make scenes! Mom makes scenes! I don't make scenes! Oh, my God. I'm two highballs and a tight dress away from being Mom.

GEORGE: Listen, you gotta understand.

WILL: Hey, I don't have to understand anything.


BJ: [TO GEORGE] Hey, Mr. Truman, [TO WILL] Mr. Truman. Will, you must be so proud of your father.

WILL: Oh, well, proud doesn't begin to describe what I'm feeling.

BJ: [TO WILL] So, could we borrow him for a minute?

WILL: Please. Be my guest.


GRACE: Here. I got you this. You probably just wanna get out of here, right?

WILL: No, no. We're not going anywhere.

GRACE: Oh, you saw the rack of lamb.

WILL: No, binge-o. I wanna talk to my father.

GRACE: Really? Here?

WILL: Yeah. We are gonna deal with this tonight.

GRACE: Wow. Ok. So until then, we're married. I guess that explains why you haven't touched me in 15 years.


SCENE IV: Coffee Shop
(JOHN MARSHALL is sitting alone at a table as JACK enters.)

JACK: Hi. Are you John Marshall?

JOHN: Yeah. Are you Jack McFarland?

JACK: Last time I checked. A-ha ha ha... [JACK AND JOHN SHAKE HANDS]

JOHN: Well, nice to meet you.

JACK: Yes, nice to meet you, as well. [JACK SITS DOWN WITH JOHN] Any idea why we're here?

JOHN: Well, I got a call from this woman, Karen Walker, and she said to be here at 8:00 'cause I was gonna meet someone who would change my life.

JACK: Wow. I got the same phone call. [RAISING AN EYEBROW] And I have a feeling she's right. [SMILES]


SCENE V: The Waldorf-Astoria Banquet Hall
(GRACE and WILL are sitting at a dinner table with several other guests, including GEORGE's friends BJ and CHUCK.)

GRACE: We have 3 kids: Hannah, Rachel, and Liam. Hannah played Queen Esther in the Purim play. Not a dry eye in shul.

WILL: Ok. Sweetie... Let's dance.

GRACE: I don't feel like dancing.

WILL: They're playing our song.

CHUCK: Oh, they have a song!

BJ: You two are so sweet together. What's your secret?

WILL: I'm gay.

CHUCK: Ha ha ha ha! That's what our son says. He's funny, too. Ha ha ha ha!


WILL: What are you doing?

GRACE: Waiting for you to talk to your father. And by the way, Dave in accounting has been giving me the eye all night. I'm not above cheating on you. Will, come on. Everyone has that moment when they realize that their parents are less than perfect. And I hate to break it to you, but this is yours.

WILL: Look, I know my father, ok? And trust me, he wouldn't do this unless he had a very good reason.

GRACE: Which is?

WILL: I don't know... But I intend to find out. And we are not raising the kids Jewish!


SCENE VI: The Coffee Shop
(JOHN MARSHALL and JACK are still chatting together.)

JOHN: Well, it's steady work, but you know, I wouldn't be averse to a change if the right opportunity came along.

JACK: Yeah, interesting, interesting. You got good arms, John. You work out?

JOHN: Yeah, I try to. Like I always say, nobody likes a fatty.

JACK: Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Only my personal mantra. Ha ha ha ha! [RAISING AN EYEBROW] Do you live alone?

JOHN: Yeah. I-- Look, can you excuse me for a minute? I got a quick phone call.

JACK: Ok, sure. I'll be right here. Ok. Hurry back, though. You don't want me to get cold. Ha ha! [JOHN MOVES OFF-SCREEN TO MAKE A PHONE CALL]

KAREN: [ENTERING] Oh, honey. Honey, I'm so sorry I'm late. Is John here?

JACK: Yes. We met, we talked. He's [SING-SONG] fabulous. Thank you so much, Karen. I love him.

KAREN: Oh, Jack. It warms my heart to hear you say that. Or maybe it's the gin rickey I just had in the limo. Ha ha ha ha! Even on skid row I'm funny. [KAREN PULLS HER PERFUME OUT OF HER PURSE]

JACK: I have a really good feeling about this, Karen. He's playing it cool, but, um, I think I might be getting some tonight.



KAREN: What the hell are you talking about?! That man is your daddy!


KAREN: Oh! No! I mean he's your father!

JACK: What?!

KAREN: Yes! I had Private Detective talk to your mom, and he tracked down the guy in the Nixon mask. John Marshall is your father!

JACK: [EXCITED] Oh, my god! You found my dad! [DISGUSTED] Oh, my god! I hit on my dad! Eww!


JACK: Eww!


JACK: Eww!


JACK: I need soap! I need... I need a Handi-wipe for my brain! Ugh! [DISGUSTED] Oh, I hit on my father! I'm Soon-Yi. Ugh.

JOHN: [RETURNING] So, Jack, why don't we go someplace where we can be alone?

JACK: Eww!


JACK: Eww!


JACK: Eww!


JACK: No! You don't understand! You're my daddy.


JACK: Eww!


JACK: Eww!


JACK: No! In 1968, you went to a pool party, you had a Nixon mask on, you had sex with my mother.

JOHN: Wait a minute. 1968? If we're talking about the same party, there were a lot of guys in Nixon masks.

KAREN: Well, Dick was big that year.

JOHN: And anyway... I'm gay.

JACK: Me, too! That must be where I get it.

JOHN: No! No. I mean, I can't be your father because I don't have sex with women.

JACK: Are you sure?

JOHN: Yeah.

JACK: Not even once?

JOHN: Could you?

JACK: Eww!

JOHN: Eww!

JACK: Eww!

JOHN: Eww!

KAREN: [TO JOHN] Thank you for coming!

JACK: [TO JOHN] Well, you know, since we cleared the air, you wanna go get a drink at Boy Bar?

JOHN: Hey, I'll get us a cab.

KAREN: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Don't you find this just a little bit eepycray?

JACK: She is kinda right. It is weird, John, you know.

JOHN: I have tickets to the Backstreet Boys.

JACK: I'll call you later, Karen. [JOHN AND JACK EXIT TOGETHER]


SCENE VII: The Waldorf-Astoria, Men's Room
(GEORGE is trying to fix his bow tie as WILL enters.)

GEORGE: This damn thing. I'm supposed to go on in a minute.

WILL: So four people have asked me where the newlyweds are registered. I told them International Male. I have the feeling we're gonna be getting a lot of mesh thongs.

GEORGE: Will, I'm sorry. It's just... Ugh!

WILL: What happened? Was it just a misunderstanding that got out of control?


WILL: Well, is it that you like Grace so much you wish we were married?

GEORGE: God, no! I mean, I mean... I-I-I like her and all that, but no.

WILL: Then tell me because I know that you would never do something like this unless you had a very good reason.

GEORGE: What do you want me to do? You want me to tell you that this company is run by a homophobic right-wing maniac? Is that what you want to know? I mean, here I am coming up on my pension. Your grandmother insists on living year after year after year. That's not cheap. If I lose this job, who's gonna hire a guy my age, Will? Who?

WILL: Dad, I--I had no idea. Is that... Is that really true?

GEORGE: God, I wish it was.

WILL: Yeah, me, too. What is this?

GEORGE: Look, it's not me, Will. There's a lot of small-minded people out there. I just can't stand the thought of somebody judging you. People make judgements all the time--

WILL: All right, Dad, Dad, stop. I got it. It's the Captain Lenny thing all over again.


WILL: You don't remember Captain Lenny? He used to introduce the cartoons on Channel 4. When I was 10, you took me on that business trip to New York, and there in the hotel bar was Captain Lenny drinking a beer and hitting on a waitress. I was very upset, and you said to me, "Willie, he's not really a captain. He's just a guy."

GEORGE: Oh, you're killing me here.

WILL: You're my dad. I love you. You did what you thought you needed to do. You're just a guy.

TED FARMER: [PEEKING IN] George, you're on.

WILL: Go on.


GRACE: [PEEKING OVER THE TOP OF A STALL] Finally! What? Don't look at me like that. The girls take too long. [GRACE EXITS]

WILL: You gonna wash your hands?




WILL: Yeah, I guess.

GEORGE: Thank you. Wow. Lifetime achievement award. That's really an honor. My son's gay. [BEAT] Will, where are you?

GRACE: He's here!

WILL: Grace!

GEORGE: Hi, son. I...I told you all that, uh... I told you all that Will and Grace were married, and, uh, they're not. Will is... Will is gay. He's a... He's a proud gay man. And I'm... the proud father... of a proud gay man. [APPLAUSE]

WILL: [SOTTO, TO GRACE] Thank God that's over.

GEORGE: No, no. I got a lot more to say.

WILL: Oh, my god.


GEORGE: ...Then he comes in the living room, and he looks us both right in the eye, and he says, "Mom, dad, I'm gay, and...and I wanna bring my boyfriend home for Christmas." And I said, "You couldn't give me just a regular necktie like any other father?" [LAUGHTER]

GRACE: [SOTTO, TO WILL] God, even when he's bad, he's good.

GEORGE: And then, you know-- Ah, no. I'm not even gonna tell you about the time he did Ben Hur as a musical in the living room. Changed the title to Ben Him. [LAUGHTER] Will... Will, stand up. Yeah, stand up. Hey! I want everyone to see you. Come on, stand up. Come on, Will, come on. [WILL STANDS UP. APPLAUSE] Will... You're... You're here... You're queer... And I... I love you, dear. I love my gay son, everybody. [APPLAUSE]

WILL: Thank you. Thanks, pop.

GRACE: [STANDING UP] The wife is always the last to know.