Original Airdate 1/25/2000
Written by Jhoni Marchinko
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Megyn Price (Claire)
Laura Kightlinger (Nurse)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
(WILL and JACK are sitting at the table reading the newspaper.)
WILL: Yes! Intel is up 2-and-a-half points.
JACK: Yes! My gym just got trampolines. Last night, when Mitch and I were celebrating our half-week-aversary, um... Stan caught us doing a little somethin'-somethin' on his Viking oven.
WILL: Ooh, sort of... homo on the range.
JACK: He was so shocked, I thought he was gonna have a heart attack.
WILL: Why, what'd he say?
JACK: "Excuse me, boys, I think I left my, uh... Oh, good night." He ran out so fast, he forgot his snack cakes.
WILL: Oh! Poor guy. Came down for a Ding-Dong and found a couple of Twinkies! [WILL AND JACK LAUGH]
JACK: [LAUGHING] Can I--Can I borrow $600 to pay some bills?
WILL: [LAUGHING, THEN SNORTS] No.
GRACE: [ENTERING] I had the weirdest dream last night. I was on a beach dancing with Chow Yun-Fat. Then all of a sudden, he rips his face off, and it's Chow Yun-Fat in a different mood. What do you think that means?
JACK: I think it means a grown woman should never wear pigtails.
WILL: Yeah. What's that about, Pippi?
GRACE: You know, I really didn't want to be invited to the bitch brunch. And besides, I ran out of conditioner. It was either this or a turban.
WILL AND JACK [TOGETHER]: Turban. [WILL AND JACK LAUGH]
JACK: [TO WILL] How about $100?
WILL: Not a chance. [TO GRACE] Oh, I forgot to tell you, keep Sunday night open. Big night. Claire is coming to town.
GRACE: Claire? Oh, my god! I finally get to meet the best friend from high school.
JACK: Oh, my god. Claire Danes? That's huge.
WILL: Yes, Jack, Claire Danes. Did I not mention that 19-year-old Claire Danes is my best friend from high school?
JACK: [SING-SONG] Hah. Ah-ha. You're bloated.
WILL: Claire. I mentioned her a thousand times. Claire. Lives in Paris, works in fashion. She was my Grace before I met Grace.
JACK: Claire... Nope. Doesn't ring a bell. Cl-Cl-Cl-- I don't like her name, though. I'm gonna call her... Bettina. [CLAPPING] Yay! Bettina's coming to town! It's much better.
GRACE: You know, I'm gonna have to ask her about your pre-gay days.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
WILL: What are you talking about? You knew when I was pre-gay.
GRACE: No. I knew you when you were on the cusp, when you made me go to Chippendale's every Saturday night because you said they made a killer mai tai.
WILL: [LOOKING THROUGH THE PEEPHOLE] Speaking of alcohol.
[WILL OPENS THE DOOR FOR KAREN.]
KAREN: [ENTERING] Honey, what's with this place? You're a lawyer. Why are you living in the projects?
WILL: I like to be close to my homeys and Zabar's. They make a smoked sable that is da bomb.
KAREN: By your inflection, I can tell that you think what you're saying is funny, but...no. [TO JACK] Come on, poodle, let's go.
JACK: [TO WILL AND GRACE] We're going to that celebrity fashion show at the four seasons. I hope E! will be there. I wanna kmeet Steve Kmetko.
KAREN: [RE: GRACE'S HAIR] Honey, what's going on here? [PULLS GRACE'S PIGTAIL] By the look of this hair, I think this little piggy should stay home. Ok? [TWEAKS GRACES NOSE]
GRACE: Karen, what are you doing here? You called in sick this morning.
KAREN: [BEAT, THEN A WEAK COUGH.]
SCENE II: Will's Apartment
(WILL, GRACE, and CLAIRE are sitting in the living room drinking wine and talking.)
CLAIRE: Ok. Formalities are over. You're a decorator. I work in fashion. Girls on the go. Happiness. Blah, blah, blah. When did you know Will was gay?
WILL: Oh! Could we talk about something else, please?
CLAIRE AND GRACE [TOGETHER]: No.
GRACE: Well, my first inkling was when he put his hand on my boob and said, "Ooh, is this cashmere?" How about you?
WILL: Ok. Christina Aguilera or Britney Spears-- Who's got the staying power?
CLAIRE: That was one lame attempt at a subject change. [TO GRACE] All right. It was after senior prom. We're driving to the beach-- top down, warm night, his feathered hair motionless in the wind. And I make my move. I lean in real close and start kissing him.
WILL: Yeah. And I panic. I figure I gotta do something to distract her, so I did the only logical thing. I crashed into a Dodge Dart.
GRACE: You crashed into a car?
WILL: It was a Dodge Dart. I was doing somebody a favor. It was a confusing time. I didn't know myself till sophomore year. I was playing basketball, and, uh, Jay Barr and I went up for a rebound. Our stomachs touched, and, by the time I came down, I was gay.
GRACE: Oh, you guys, I hate to be a party pooper almost as much as I hate to say "party pooper," but I'm exhausted. And I feel you are moments away from pulling out the yearbook.
WILL: Oh, please.
CLAIRE: Give us a little credit.
[GRACE PULLS OUT THE YEARBOOK FROM BEHIND THE COUCH.]
WILL: So that's where that's been.
GRACE: [TO CLAIRE] Oh, so great to finally meet you.
CLAIRE: Oh, you, too. [GRACE AND CLAIRE HUG] Mmm. And thanks for taking such great care of him.
GRACE: And thank you for passing the flame to me, so to speak.
SCENE III: Grace's Apartment
(The next morning. GRACE is decorating her apartment as WILL enters.)
WILL: [ENTERING] Hey. What are you doing?
GRACE: I'm thinking about moving this vase from here... [MOVES A VASE FROM ONE SIDE OF THE MANTLE TO THE OTHER] to here. Do you think that will throw off the whole room?
WILL: Actually, I think what might be throwing off the whole room is all these boxes. You've been here six months already. Decorator, unpack thyself.
GRACE: So, how was the rest of your evening with Claire?
GRACE: Ah. Well, she is so great. Cool and smart and funny and stylish and... Feel free to jump in at any point to tell me how great she thought I was.
WILL: She loved you, Dame Needy.
GRACE: So, uh, what'd you guys talk about?
WILL: You know, work and high school...
WILL: How much she wants to have a baby.
GRACE: Oh, she would make such a great mom.
WILL: I think so, too. In fact, she asked a friend of hers to donate sperm so she could have one.
GRACE: What'd he say?
WILL: I said I'd think about it.
GRACE: What? Wow... I mean... Wow!
WILL: I know. Big wow. And I've been up all night thinking about it, and I... I think I'm gonna do it.
WILL: Yeah, definitely. I mean, Claire's one of my oldest friends. You said yourself she should make a great mom.
GRACE: I did say that.
WILL: She's not in a relationship, and she wants a baby more than anything. This is my chance to lend a helping hand. Let me rephrase that. I mean, how great would it be to have another little Will running around out there. I mean, we love me, right?
GRACE: We do love you.
WILL: I'm doin' it! Yeah!
GRACE: Sure. It's easier than giving a kidney. I'd imagine the procedure is much more pleasant.
WILL: I knew you'd get this. I'm gonna call her right now. I'm so excited!
[WILL EXITS AND GRACE GASPS AND COVERS HER MOUTH.]
SCENE IV: Will's Apartment
(WILL opens the door for CLAIRE and she enters.)
WILL: I was just about to call you.
CLAIRE: I couldn't wait.
WILL: Come in.
CLAIRE: So, wow, I really love your place. I really love what you've done with it.
WILL: You were just here last night.
CLAIRE: I know. I'm nervous. I'm babbling. Help me.
WILL: I'll do it.
WILL: You're gonna be a fabulous mom.
CLAIRE: Ah! Thank you so much! [WILL AND CLAIRE HUG] Ah! I feel like I should get you something. I don't know, what do you get somebody for something like this? You need a wallet?
WILL: That's fine. I'm happy to do it.
CLAIRE: Now. I don't wanna put a lot of pressure on you or anything, but I leave on Tuesday and I'm blue.
WILL: Tuesday? Now I'm blue.
CLAIRE: What I mean is, spring has sprung. The egg's coming right over the plate. So if you could go down to this sperm bank on your lunch break? [CLAIRE HANDS WILL A PIECE OF PAPER]
WILL: Oh. I was really more in the mood for soup and salad.
CLAIRE: Is this happening too fast? I mean, are you ok with this?
WILL: I was kidding.
CLAIRE: Oh, I can't tell you what this means to me. You are such a good friend. [CLAIRE AND WILL HUG] Mm!
JACK: [ENTERING] Do you ever touch men?
WILL: Jack, this is my friend Claire.
JACK: French Claire? Parlez-vous français?
CLAIRE: Ah! Tu parles français? Je ne sais pas que tu comprends la langue.
JACK: Ah. Oui. [SPEAKING GIBBERISH] Fuh-fuh-fuh. Ah-fuh-fuh. Fuh...
WILL: Claire, this is Charlie Brown's French teacher.
JACK: [TO CLAIRE] You are so Euro-fabulous. Love it, love it... Love it more! Elle hotty.
CLAIRE: I'm guessing you're a high-maintenance kind of friend.
JACK: I cost a little more, but I'm worth it.
CLAIRE: I gotta go.
WILL: All right.
JACK: [TO CLAIRE] Oh, just so you know. You're name's Bettina now. It's better, nescafè?
CLAIRE: Uh... Sanka.
WILL: Ok, Jack, I need to talk to you, and I need you to be someone other than Jack.
JACK: God, you're, like, the fourth person who's said that to me today.
WILL: Imagine that. Sit down. Claire asked me to help her have a baby.
JACK: Mitch and I have a date. Are you using your apartment tonight?
WILL: Are you listening to me? She asked me to help her have a baby. I'm a little freaked out here!
JACK: Of course you're freaked out. You can't just start sleeping with women. Who are you, Anne Heche? Giving the gift of life is a wonderful thing. I myself have put my macho gazpacho out there once or twice.
WILL: I mean, I've gotta do this in, like, 3 hours and--and--and--
JACK: Look, look, look, look. Bettina's one of our favorite people. We love her. We trust her. And she really wants to have this baby, right?
WILL: More than anything.
JACK: Well, woman who want kids that badly are the kind of women you want having children, right? So, forget about everything else. You're doing a good thing.
WILL: I am. You're right. Thank you.
JACK: You're welcome. How about $50?
WILL: Forget it.
SCENE V: Grace's Office
(KAREN is sitting at her desk reading a magazine as GRACE enters)
GRACE: Ok. I have a problem. I don't want your opinion about it, but I do want to tell you what it is. But I don't want your advice on it because it's always wrong.
KAREN: [RE: GRACE'S SHOES] Honey, can I comment on those pilgrim pumps?
GRACE: No. Ok. Will is making the biggest mistake of his life. He has an old high school friend who lives in France. She wants to have a baby, and Will is going to give her his sperm. Now, first of all, Will is not really the kind of guy who could just give something away and not think about it. He gave me his NYU sweatshirt 3 years ago, and he still stops by at least once a week to say, "How's it doing?" And don't get me wrong. Claire, she is nice. She is great. But what is with friends showing up 15 years later asking for sperm? I don't know about you, but I never wrote in anyone's yearbook, "Don't ever change and please fill this cup." It's a mistake. He'll regret it. That's all I'm saying. Anyway, thanks for listening. And thank you for keeping your opinion to yourself.
KAREN: [QUIETLY] Phooh. Hah-hah! [MOAN] So... Oh.... [WIMPER] Oh... Ho-ho! Mm!
GRACE: Ok! Ok, you can talk now!
KAREN: Oh, thank God! Ok, first of all, the shoes go back on the Mayflower. And second of all, you're just upset because this woman stole your "B" plan.
GRACE: What? You know what, I don't want to even know what you mean by that. [BEAT] But if you want to tell me, I know I can't stop you.
KAREN: Honey, uh, when it comes to potential mates, I-- this is hard for me to say, but... You date losers. Hey, that wasn't so hard. Ha ha!
GRACE: Ok, for your information, I have gone out with some really great-- Continue.
KAREN: I think even you know that there is not one of those guys that you would even consider having a kid with.
GRACE: Oh, really? Well, maybe that is because you never met-- Continue.
KAREN: Come on, let's face it, honey. You always thought you'd have Will as a backup, and now your husband's having kids with someone else. And what are the chances he's gonna give it away twice, huh? And even if he does, she'll have gotten the good stuff. It's like Cabernet. The first batch is always the best.
GRACE: Oh, my god. [BEAT] Wait. That analogy doesn't really link up.
KAREN: Maybe not, but a glass of red wine sounds good right now. Ha ha! Ha ha!
JACK: [ENTERING] Karen, take me to your dentist. I feel my teeth are dull and people are laughing at me.
GRACE: Oh, Jack, that's not why people are laughing.
JACK: Hey, don't crank on me just because Will's down at the sperm bank on 33rd unloading the contents of his vas deferens into a Dixie cup.
GRACE: That's happening today?
KAREN: Yeah. Better run, honey, or your "B" plan will be kaput by the stroke of 1:00. If you know what I mean. Ha ha ha!
SCENE VI: The Sperm Bank on 33rd
(A NURSE escorts WILL into a donor room.)
WILL: So this is where it all happens, huh? Damn, if these walls could talk. They'd probably say, "Glad I'm not the floor."
NURSE: Being funny isn't gonna get the job done. Come on in. Here's your cup. [SHE THROWS WILL A PINT-SIZED PLASTIC CUP.]
WILL: Wow. Great expectations.
NURSE: There are magazines here if you need them and some movies. So party on. [NURSE EXITS]
WILL: [TO THE CUP] So, are you from around here? [LOOKING THROUGH THE MAGAZINES] Booties, and Jugs, and Cans. Oh, my. [TO THE DOOR] You know, if you happen to have an Abercrombie & Fitch catalog out there, we might free up this room a whole lot faster.
NURSE: [OPENS THE DOOR] How about this? Can you use that? [HANDS WILL A MAGAZINE]
WILL: Martha Stewart Living? Let me explain my people to you. Um...we enjoy, but are not turned on by the perfect scone.
NURSE: Just put the junk in the cup. [NURSE EXITS]
WILL: It's ridiculous. [LOOKING THROUGH THE MAGAZINE] I'm not gonna find anything-- "New England Carpenters." Thank you, Lord. [WILL SITS DOWN]
GRACE: [BARGING IN] Whatever you're doing, stop!
WILL: What the hell are you doing here?!
GRACE: I just thought that you might want to try that new Thai place.
WILL: Wh-- Get out of here.
GRACE: Ok. Ok, ok, ok. Just one thing, ok? You can't go through with this.
WILL: Not with you standing here.
GRACE: No. You can't give your sperm to Claire because... because that sperm is mine.
WILL: I'm sorry, but I'm pretty sure the doggone sperm is mine.
GRACE: Yeah, but I took that sperm to movies. I schlepped it through Europe. I bought it a little gel seat for your bike.
WILL: What are you trying to say, that you wanna have a baby with me?
GRACE: No. I don't know. Maybe. I mean... I guess, I guess I just want the option. I mean... I mean, what happens if I, if I never meet anybody? Shouldn't I at least get first dibs? Isn't that one of the privileges of the "straight girl, gay guy" relationship? Shouldn't you be my fallback sperm?
WILL: Let me get this straight. Uh, you would sacrifice Claire's happiness just on the off chance that one day in the distant future you might, just maybe, need to call upon my little guys in top hats?
WILL: And the fact that I might feel good about helping a friend doesn't even factor into your thought process.
WILL: And that this is about my life-- meaning not your life-- and Claire's life-- again not your life-- is meaningless to you.
GRACE: Um... Yes. Look, you were the one who always said that every feeling is valid and that I should share it with you.
WILL: That's right, and I would like to amend that.
GRACE: To what?
WILL: To... You selfish lunatic, get out of my spermatorium.
[WILL PUSHES GRACE OUT OF THE ROOM AND SLAMS THE DOOR.]
SCENE VII: Grace's Apartment
(WILL knocks on GRACE's door. GRACE opens the door and WILL enters.)
GRACE: [OPENING THE DOOR] Hi.
GRACE: About this afternoon, I am sorry. It's your life. You do what you want. It's not my place to say--
WILL: I couldn't do it.
GRACE: Oh, thank god. I mean... What happened?
WILL: I just kept thinking about you.
GRACE: Oh. thanks?
WILL: No. I meant, I... I kept thinking about what you said about me being your fallback sperm.
GRACE: Just as an option.
WILL: You're not gonna need the option. You're fantastic and you're gonna meet someone fantastic and you're gonna have a million babies of your own.
GRACE: Yeah, I guess. But what did happen, and why didn't you do it?
WILL: Well, because... You're my fallback egg.
GRACE: Sweetie, you're not gonna need me. You're fantastic and you're gonna meet someone fantastic and you're gonna have a million babies of your-- Wait a minute. What am I saying? You're totally gonna need me.
WILL: Oh, yeah. I'm not going to the gym 10 hours a week just to wind up with stretch marks. I told Claire that, you know, if I ever have a baby, I want it to be with you. If there's gonna be a little Will running around out there, I want him to be a little Will and a little Grace.
WILL: A little bit.
GRACE: Oh, my god, that is so sweet. The two of us having a kid.
WILL: I know. And Derek my boyfriend.
GRACE: Derek. Have I met him?
WILL: No. Neither one of us has. He's a carpenter in New England.