Original Airdate 11/23/1999
Written by Katie Palmer
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Terry Kiser (Carl)
Brian Palermo (Brian Kelly)
Kim Robillard (Brent)
Alex Boling (Stuart)
Brian Jacobs (Cater-Waiter #5)
SCENE I: Will's Office
(GRACE is helping WILL pack up his office. Most of it has been cleared out already.)
WILL: It's just so weird, you know? It's exactly 4 years ago today that I moved into this office, and here I am closing it down.
GRACE: It is weird. It's also wrong. You moved in the height of summer, remember? The window was open, and we thought it smelled like wet wool on a dead man.
WILL: Ah, yes. The new scent by Decay-NY.
GRACE: I gotta go.
WILL: All right.
GRACE: You seem ok.
WILL: I am. You think? Seems like something's missing. What is it? Oh, right. My career.
GRACE: Hey, ok. Maybe this'll help. No matter how bad you're doing, chances are Jack's doing much worse.
JACK: [ENTERING, SLAMMING THE DOOR OPEN, KNOCKING GRACE BEHIND THE DOOR] Huge promotion!
GRACE: Ow! You crushed my nose. [GRACE EXITS]
JACK: Sorry! If it's broken, we'll get it fixed. [TO WILL] For the second time.
GRACE: [IN THE WINDOW] I heard that, you bitch. And this nose has never been touched.
JACK: I'm sorry, ma'am, you can pick up your fries at the next window. [JACK CLOSES THE WINDOW AND WAVES BYE-BYE]
JACK: [TO WILL] Guess what. I've been promoted to captain at my catering company, and tonight I'm supervising an event at the Waldorf-Astoria. I will have 8 men under me. How great is that?
WILL: 8 men? What'd you do, write the Gay Make A Wish Foundation?
JACK: Could you just once reach into that cold black heart of yours and say, "Congratulations, handsome"?
WILL: Hey, handsome, look around. I'm closing down my office. I've lost all my clients. So you'll forgive me if I'm not jumping up and down for joy because you've now been made head butter curler.
JACK: F.Y.I., you S.O.B. Catering-waitering is T.U.F. [BEAT] F.
WILL: Oh, "tough." Yes, I know. All those years at waiter grad school. The lectures, the all-nighters, all to answer the eternal question that has plagued mankind since the dawn of consciousness: chicken or fish?
JACK: Listen, mister, and I use the term loosely... You couldn't do my job for even one night.
WILL: Jack, a monkey can do your job, providing he had a tux and a lisp.
JACK: [HORRIFIED GASP] Then put your money where your mouth is. I'm short a man tonight. I dare ya to fill in for him.
WILL: All right, I'll do it.
JACK: Hah! See? You're afraid because you know you can't hack it.
WILL: Jack, I just said I'd do it.
JACK: [BEAT] What just happened?
WILL: You challenged me, and I accepted your challenge. Besides, sounds like it'd be more fun than sitting at home, watching Regis say, [IMITATING REGIS] "Is that your final answer?"
JACK: Ok, fine. Be at the Waldorf at 5:00 sharp, and rent a tux.
WILL: I have a tux.
JACK: No, you don't. I borrowed it.
SCENE II: Grace's Office
(GRACE is watching a WORKMAN, BRENT, fix the fax machine. KAREN is sitting at GRACE'S desk wearing sunglasses.)
GRACE: Well, this one consumer who is not gonna take responsibility for something that is clearly your fault.
[BRENT PULLS A FABRIC SWATCH OUT OF THE FAX MACHINE.]
GRACE: Karen? [YELLING] Karen!!
KAREN: Yeah, I'm up! I'm up! Stan, get off of me! Where am I?
GRACE: Karen, you are at work. It's 10:30 in the morning, and because you seem to believe that fabric can be sent over phone lines, I now owe this guy 150 bucks for a service call.
KAREN: Oh, my god. It's 10:30? Honey, why'd you let me sleep so late? I gotta get outta here. There's a needle full of botulism with my forehead's name written all over it. [TO BRENT] What are you lookin' at, Rogaine failure?
BRENT: Nothing. I'm sorry.
KAREN: Good. Ok. Be back at four...ish. [KAREN EXITS]
GRACE: Yeah. She usually doesn't come back.
BRENT: What's it like working with her?
GRACE: I wouldn't know.
BRENT: Well, I love her. I've seen her movie Next to Godliness, like, uh, 15 times.
GRACE: She's never been in a movie.
BRENT: When I first saw her, I wasn't sure, but then, you know, the voice? Uh-huh. It's definitely her.
GRACE: You must have her confused with someone else. It happens. People confuse me for Julia Roberts all the time.
GRACE: Well, the hair...the smile...and, uh... Ahem. [IMITATING JULIA ROBERTS FROM NOTTING HILL] "I'm just a girl... standing in front of a boy... asking him to love me." Trust me. That is dead on.
BRENT: Well, trust me, that's her. Just rent Next to Godliness. You'll find it in the adult section.
GRACE: Adult? Adult like Merchant-Ivory, or adult like... [IMITATING BAD ACTING] "Gee, thank god you two plumbers arrived."
BRENT: That one.
SCENE III: The Waldorf-Astoria Dining Room
(JACK is standing before his cater-waiters, wearing a tux and a cordless microphone headset.)
JACK: The napkin fold du jour will be winter cranes, and mind the beaks! Sidebar: [POINTING TO HIS MICROPHONE] How Madonna is this?! [THE CATER-WAITERS GIGGLE.]
WILL: [ENTERING] Hey, Jack.
JACK: Don't "hey" me! You're late!
WILL: I'm sorry, but I had to rent a tux, and the old guy measuring me had the shakes, so the inseam situation was not pleasant for me.
JACK: Just get in line. Good news, gentlemen. Since Mr. Truman has deigned to grace us with his presence, we now have enough waiters to do ballet service. [THE WAITERS CLAP AND GIGGLE.]
WILL: Ballet service, huh? What does that make you, the nutcracker?
JACK: Truman...front and center [SNAPS HIS FINGERS].
WILL: Ma'am, yes, ma'am!
JACK: [SOTTO] Damn it, Will, when we're being friends, it's fine to treat me like crap, but I will not have you ruining this evening undermining my authority. Is that clear?
WILL: Ok, ok.
JACK: [INTO HEADSET] Mm-hmm? Yes. Ohh! Do I have to do everything around here? Look, I'm breaking in a rookie right now. I don't have time for games.
WILL: Jack... [WILL HOLDS UP THE HEADSET CORD, WHICH IS NOT PLUGGED INTO A TRANSMITTER PAK.]
JACK: I'm talking to the kitchen-- [GRABBING THE CORD] Get me the thing that this plugs into!
SCENE IV: Grace's Office
(GRACE is watching a video on the VCR.)
KAREN'S VOICE [ON VIDEOTAPE]: This room is a pigsty, and you're a dirty pig boy.
MAN'S VOICE [ON VIDEOTAPE]: But, mommy--
KAREN'S VOICE [ON VIDEOTAPE]: Don't "mommy" me! Here's what happens to dirty pig boys. [SMACK!]
KAREN: [ENTERING] Oh! Sorry I'm late. Oh, god, that sounded insincere. I'm late. Ha ha ha! Honey, what's going on? What's happening? What's with the TV?
GRACE: Oh, I'm watching what I would call... the feel-good movie of my life.
KAREN: Did you rent Pretty Woman again? Come on. Give it up, honey. The only thing you two have in common is horse teeth and bad taste in men. Ha ha ha ha!
GRACE: Ha ha ha.
[KAREN PULLS OUT HER COMPACT AND BEGINS TO APPLY. GRACE PRESSES PLAY ON THE VCR.]
KAREN'S VOICE [ON VIDEOTAPE]: You're a filthy little piggy! [SMACK!]
KAREN: Wha--! [KAREN BLOWS HER FACE POWDER ALL OVER]
GRACE: Karen... something you want to tell me?
KAREN: That's not me.
KAREN'S VOICE [ON VIDEOTAPE]: What's going on, honey? What's happening? Why aren't you licking that floor?
KAREN: Oh, all right! It is me! But it's not what you think!
GRACE: Really? 'Cause I think it's you in a maid's uniform, whipping some old guy in a onesie. [HOLDS UP THE VIDEO BOX] Am I wrong?
KAREN: Come on. It's just a little fetish film. [GRABS THE VIDEO BOX] Oh, my god. How did this thing get into circulation? [BEAT] Oh, my god. [DROPS THE BOX] This is the end of me. I don't think I can go on. [KAREN BEGINS TO CRAWL OUT THE WINDOW.]
GRACE: Karen, what are you doing?
KAREN: No, don't stop me!
GRACE: Karen, don't be ridiculous!
KAREN: [KAREN PULLS A BOTTLE OF VODKA OFF THE WINDOW LEDGE] There we go. Nice and cold. [KAREN DUMPS GRACE'S PENCIL GLASS AND POURS HERSELF A DRINK] Oh, boy.
GRACE: Just one question.
GRACE: Is dirty little pig boy the other white meat? Come on, spill it.
KAREN: Well, I was just out of college. I was broke. It's the oldest story in the world. Boy meets girl, boy wants girl to do dominatrix film, girl says, "naked?" Boy says, "yeah." Girl says, "forget it." Boy says, "ok, then just wear this rubber dress and beat the old guy with a scrub brush." Girl says, "how hard?"
GRACE: Yes, that is an old story.
KAREN: No, no, no, no. You don't take that tone with me, no. It's enough that I'm gonna be the laughingstock of Manhattan, but now to have you throwing this in my face and laughing at me like that? No. That's it. I'm outta here.
GRACE: Oh, Karen, come on. I was just making a joke.
KAREN: Oh, yeah? Well, I have a little joke for you. Knock knock. I'm not there. [KAREN EXITS]
SCENE V: The Waldorf-Astoria Hotel Dining Room
(JACK is coaching the cater-waiters in a catering run-through.)
JACK: Ready... spaghetti... sauce. And we're moving, we're moving, and pace, pace, pace. And serpentine around the room, and elbows in and show those teeth. Now snake. Now snake. Now snake once more. Hey, watch the jazz hips! We aren't doing Starlight Express here! Ok, now, eyes up. Working as one. Relevate. And release. Very nice. I'm very proud of all of you.
WILL: [TO A CATER-WAITER] Not bad for a rookie, huh?
CATER-WAITER: I'm not really looking for new friends.
WILL: Well, you're not really getting one.
JACK: Oh, my god. It's showtime, fellas. Places. All right, we got just a couple minutes before Abba gets here.
WILL: Abba? The band? That's all we need is more dancing queens.
JACK: No, Will, it's spelled differently. There's only one "B." A-B-A.
WILL: The A.B.A.?! That's the American Bar Association!
JACK: Oh, good. Bartenders are such a fun crowd.
WILL: No, Jack, the A.B.A. is lawyers! I'm gonna know all these people!
JACK: Would you relax? No one's gonna recognize you in uniform.
WILL: Oh, right. This tea towel over my arm changes the way my face looks! I'm going.
JACK: You're not going anywhere. I can't do ballet service with an odd number of men.
WILL: Then do it with a number of odd men. Oh, my god! Look, these people are my colleagues. Do you know how humiliating this is gonna be?
JACK: Say hello to the hard part. Serving food is easy. Keeping your dignity when you're peppering Matt Damon's salad is what's hard.
WILL: Why Matt Damon?
JACK: He has my career!
WILL: I see. Good-bye.
JACK: I know this is a rough time for you, ok? But you've had your success. This is my turn. So you decide. You gonna be a friend, or are you going to bail?
[THE GUESTS START ARRIVING. WILL SIGHS AND TAKES A TRAY. A MAN GETS WILL'S ATTENTION FOR AN HORS D'OEUVRE.]
WILL: Huh? Oh. Hors d'oeuvre?
BRIAN: Will Truman?
WILL: Brian Kelly. Heh heh...
BRIAN: What is with the outfit? You look like you should be serving us. And I don't mean papers. Hah hah!
WILL: Me, a waiter? Are you kidding? [TO A CATER-WAITER] Excuse me, I asked for one crab cake, not a whole tray. [WILL HANDS HIS TRAY TO THE CATER-WAITER] So, Brian Kelly... Uh, it's funny. Just the other day... I was thinking... Wasn't it... I was reading a mag-- Uh, uh... [WILL TAKES THE TOWEL FROM HIS ARM AND TRIES TO SHOVE IT INTO HIS BREAST POCKET] I'm doing some close-up magic later. Don't tell anybody.
SCENE VI: Carl's Video Office
(KAREN enters the office; CARL exits from the backroom.)
CARL: Yeah. What can I do for-- Well, lookee, lookee loo. Ha ha ha ha! Karen Delaney, right? How long has it been, 20 years? Age has done nothing to you.
KAREN: Yeah, well, it's whacked you in the face with a shovel and left you for dead. You look like hell. [BEAT] Honey, I need a favor. Ha ha ha!
CARL: Ha ha ha...
SCENE VII: The Waldorf-Astoria Dining Room
(WILL is seated at a dinner table with BRIAN KELLY and other waiters. JACK is waiting on them, carrying a large pepper mill under his arm.)
JACK: Ok, just to confirm everybody's entrees, there are 2 steak, 2 salmon, [LOOKING AT WILL] and one big fat chicken.
WILL: That'd be me.
JACK: Great. [TO BRIAN] Fresh pepper for you?
BRIAN: That'd be fine.
JACK: Terrific. [JACK HITS WILL ON THE BACK OF THE HEAD WITH THE PEPPER MILL AS HE PEPPERS BRIAN'S SALAD.]
BRIAN: [TO JACK] Hey, how about an apology?
WILL: [TO JACK] I'm really sorry.
BRIAN: [TO WILL] Not you, Will. I was talking to Dr. Pepper here. Hah Hah!
JACK: I'm so sorry, sir. Fresh pepper for you?
WILL: No, thank you.
JACK: Ok, very good. [JACK TURNS TO LEAVE, HITTING WILL ON THE BACK OF THE HEAD WITH THE PEPPER MILL.]
SCENE VIII: Carl's Video Office
(KAREN and CARL are talking about the video.)
KAREN: You just tell me how many of those tapes there are and how I could get 'em back.
CARL: I can get that information just like that, all right? Just let me e-mail headquarters first, all right? [IMITATES A COMPUTER] Boop boop boop boop boop boop boop. Ha ha ha ha! I have no freakin' idea! I mean, we made like 50 and sold them to video stores all over Manhattan.
KAREN: All over Man-- you lowlife! Listen, I've built a big life for myself, and now it's ruined.
CARL: I'm sorry, Karen. My bad. Now, how about a little... You know, kissarooni... For old times' sake?
KAREN: How could you even ask me that, you double-crossing, conniving... [KAREN REACHES HER HAND BACK TO SLAP HIM, BUT STOPS, THEN TURNS AROUND.]
CARL: See? You couldn't hit me, could you? That's because deep inside of you, the flame of passion is still alive. Now, come on, hot stuff. How about that kiss, hmm?
[KAREN TURNS AROUND AND SLAPS HIM HARD, THEN REMOVES A LATEX GLOVE FROM HER HAND.]
KAREN: You think I would let my bare hand touch that face? God only knows where it's been.
SCENE IX: Grace's Office
(KAREN enters the office.)
GRACE: I just left you a message.
KAREN: No, no. Don't even start. I quit.
GRACE: Why? 'Cause I saw you in one lousy movie?
KAREN: No, Grace, because the balance of power has shifted between us. You used to put me on a pedestal and look at me like I was some kind of a superwoman, the epitome of everything that's good and decent and true.
GRACE: Um... Ok.
KAREN: But now when you look at me, all you're gonna see is the woman in that video: a bossy, domineering harpy who uses her body to get what she wants.
GRACE: You're right. That is a pretty profound shift.
KAREN: Yeah. So... I quit. I'm just gonna clean out my desk and leave. [PICKS UP A BOTTLE OF NAIL POLISH OFF HER DESK] There. I'm outta here. If you need me, I'll be in seclusion, suffering in the dark silence of my Park Avenue mansion of shame, shame, shame on me.
GRACE: Karen, uh, wait. You might wanna take this. [GRACE PULLS A BOX OFF THE FLOOR]
KAREN: What's that?
GRACE: Oh, it's just... All 50 copies of Next to Godliness.
KAREN: Oh, my-- Honey, how did you... Wh--?
GRACE: I've been in every sleazy video store in Manhattan. I went into rooms Bob Guccione wouldn't go into without a haz-mat suit. I had to weave through icky boxes with titles like... Drive This, Miss Daisy... Diddler on the Roof... The Ass Menagerie... Oh... So... You never have to worry about anyone seeing this again. And I will look at you the same way I always have. As a spoiled, shrill, gold-digging socialite who would sooner chew off her own foot than do an honest day's work.
KAREN: Oh, honey, I love ya. [KAREN AND GRACE HUG] Ok, honey, that's enough! God! When is your video coming out?
SCENE X: The Waldorf-Astoria Dining Room
(WILL is sitting at a dinner table with BRIAN.)
BRIAN: Oh, I am starving. What's with these monkeys? Who do I have to sleep with to get my steak?
WILL: Take your pick.
BRIAN: [YELLING TO JACK] Hey! [SNAPPING FINGERS] Pepper boy! Where's my dinner?
JACK: I'm sorry for the delay, sir. We're a little shorthanded this evening. One of my waiters bailed on me because he has a weak constitution and is filled with fear and shame.
BRIAN: I didn't think I asked for your life story. I just want a piece of meat.
JACK: Don't we all? Ha ha. I mean I'm sure you do. Please be patient.
BRIAN: Be patient? You coppin' an attitude with me?
WILL: Brian, take it easy.
BRIAN: No, Will, listen to this guy. This nobody's taking a tone with me.
WILL: There's no tone. He's just doing his job, which is not easy, by the way.
BRIAN: Oh, yeah, it's real hard. He puts rolls in a basket.
JACK: Good idea, sir. Why don't I get you some more bread?
BRIAN: Oh, no, no, no. We're not finished here. Hang on a second, hang on a second. [BRIAN GRABS JACK'S ARM] Where the hell's my steak?
WILL: All right, that's it. [TO BRIAN] Take your hands off him!
BRIAN: What's your problem?
WILL: Well, for one thing, you're creasing my tux. Jack, you don't have to put up with this.
JACK: I'm working, so I do.
WILL: Yeah, well, I don't. [TO BRIAN] At what point did you decide it was ok to treat people like this?
BRIAN: Will, I'm not talking to you, ok? I'm talking to Pepper here.
WILL: Brian, I got news for ya. I'm a pepper!
BRIAN: Excuse me?
WILL: I'm a pepper, he's a pepper, and considering the grades you got in law school, you're a heartbeat away from being a pepper too. Now, why don't you sit down, shut up, and wait for your meat? If the rest of you will excuse me, I have a ballet to perform.
JACK: [TO THE CATER-WAITERS] Everyone, round 'em up. Smile. Step lively. Relevate. Very good.
WILL: Jack, if I sounded anything like that guy, I'm sorry.
JACK: Well, letting me keep this tux means never having to say you're sorry.
WILL: Done. I just wish there was some way to get back at him.
JACK: You mean like putting a laxative in his soup?
WILL: Oh, that would be so good!
JACK: Already done.
WILL: You are awesome.
JACK: Don't be so cheery. I put one in yours, too.
SCENE XI: Will's Apartment
(WILL is watching TV as GRACE enters.)
GRACE: [ENTERING] You will not believe the day I had.
WILL: No, no, no. Whatever it is, I guarantee I can top it.
GRACE: Ok. You open.
WILL: Cater-waitering for Jack at the Waldorf-Astoria.
GRACE: Good open, but I see your Waldorf... And raise you... Hunting for porn all over Manhattan.
WILL: Running into law school classmates while serving them crab cakes.
GRACE: Getting groped in an adult video store... by a former New York City mayor.
WILL: Enjoying an appetizer of potato leek and laxative soup.
GRACE: Oh. That's good. I don't know if I could-- Oh. Oh! Oh, what's this? [GRACE PULLS OUT THE VIDEOTAPE] Oh, yes, yes, yes! Karen actually doing work.
WILL: No, no, Grace, that's not gonna do it.
GRACE: Let's just go to the videotape, shall we?
[GRACE PUTS THE VIDEO INTO THE VCR AND PRESSES PLAY.]
KAREN'S VOICE [ON VIDEOTAPE]: Baby's made a mess. Dirty pig baby. [SMACK!]
WILL: Oh, I fold.