Original Airdate 11/9/99
Written by Alex Herschlag
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Debbie Reynolds (Bobbi Adler)
Shelley Morrison (Rosario McFarland)
Andy Comeau (Andy Fellner)
Peter Paige (Roger O'Neill)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
(WILL and JACK are looking at each other in the mirror over the fireplace, fixing their hair.)
JACK: I'm going to say this because I love you. Your disproportionately large head gives you a marionette-like quality. What do you think of my eyes?
WILL: Two words: major surgery. The fact that you can see the white the entire way around the eyeball makes you look crazy. And I say that with love.
JACK: Puppet head.
WILL: Crazy eyes.
GRACE: [ENTERING] Ohh! I'm not gonna-- I just can't believe she just-- Aah!
WILL: So your mom called?
GRACE: One message from her and I am completely insane.
WILL: Really? Can you see the white all the way around your eyes?
GRACE: [SOTTO TO WILL] Come on, Will, he's right here.
JACK: Thank you, Lord and Lady Hateful. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to return to a world of polite people with normal-sized heads.
GRACE: [SOTTO TO JACK] Come on, Jack, he's right here. [JACK EXITS]
WILL: So how many verses did she leave on your machine?
GRACE: [SINGING] I'm comin' to town I wanna have lunch with you and Will and I'm bringin' Andy Fellner. [TALKING] Another one of her famous fix-ups. Can you believe her?
WILL: Maybe this one will be cute, you know? It's gotta be better than the guy she found on nicejewishchiropractor.com.
GRACE: I doubt it. I went to camp with Andy Fellner. 3 years in a row we did the recreation of Noah's Ark. And 3 years in a row Andy was cast in the role of Woodchuck Number 2. His one line was... [IMITATING A WOODCHUCK] ff ff ff ff!
WILL: Who were you?
GRACE: Noah's wife.
WILL: Oh, very nice. Who'd you sleep with to get that?
GRACE: Will, I was 11.
GRACE: Although I did French kiss Yak Number 1 behind the canteen. He was good.
WILL: You know what they say: once you go yak, you never go back.
SCENE II: The Virgin MediaStore
(JACK is in the music store looking through the CDs.)
JACK: Ooh! Yes! [PICKS UP A CD] I want this! Yes! They have it! Cher! [IMITATING CHER, SINGING] It takes ti-i-ime to move on, I need lo-o-ove to feel stro-o-ong.
[JACK NOTICES A GUY STARING AT HIM, GIVING HIM A DIRTY LOOK.]
JACK: Cher. [SCOFFS] Ha. I don't think so. She's so over, right? [WHISPERING TO THE CD] Love you.
[JACK KISSES THE CD AND PUTS IT BACK. HE THEN WALKS OVER TO THE LISTENING POST.]
JACK: Uh, eeny, meeny, miny, Britney!
[JACK PUTS THE HEADPHONES ON AND BEGINS TO DANCE, IMITATING BRITNEY SPEARS. HE STOPS WHEN HE NOTICES SOMEONE STARING--ROGER.]
JACK: We met in Soho.
ROGER: It was the Village.
JACK: Gay pride?
JACK: Ah, yes, I remember it well. In a cage.
ROGER: On a box.
JACK: Vodka neat?
ROGER: On the rocks.
JACK: Ah, yes, I remember it well.
ROGER: See ya around. [STARTS TO LEAVE]
JACK: Ok. [JACK MOVES AROUND THE CORNER IN FRONT OF THE DOOR] Oh! Heh heh...
ROGER: Oh! Heh heh... [ROGER LEAVES]
KAREN: [ENTERING THE STORE WITH ROSARIO] Come on, Jack. We gotta get out-- [TO ANOTHER CUSTOMER] What are you lookin' at, sideburns? Never seen somebody with money and soap? [TO JACK] Come on, come on. Break time is over.
JACK: Karen, I don't wanna study anymore. Can't I just wing it tomorrow at Immigration?
KAREN: No! You have to convince them that you two are a real married couple or this one's gonna be spooning Cerviche out of a bucket on a dusty soccer field back in Chimichangaville!
ROSARIO: Listen, lady, in my country, I was a school teacher.
KAREN: Yeah? Well, in this country, you wash my bras. Listen, señorita! I could--
[KAREN AND ROSARIO ARGUE, OVERLAPPING EACH OTHER]
ROSARIO: --Like a Brazil nut!
KAREN: Oh, Jack... Don't let 'em take my sunshine away.
ROSARIO: I love my mommy! [KAREN AND ROSARIO HUG]
SCENE III: A Restaurant
(WILL and GRACE are waiting at a table for her mother, BOBBI ADLER, and ANDY FELLNER. GRACE is looking down, mouthing words to herself.)
WILL: Grace, what are you doing? You look like that guy on Third Avenue that tried to sell me his toothbrush.
GRACE: I just wanna have my speech ready for when my mom gets here. I'm not gonna let her run my life anymore. No more fix-ups.
WILL: Grace...I'm sorry your mother causes you so much pain and embarrassment, but you've gotta look at it this way. It's incredibly entertaining for me. Does that help at all?
GRACE: Will, I know you don't understand these things because you have a normal repressed passive-aggressive, panty-wearing mother. But do you think maybe you could be just a teeny bit supportive?
WILL: Ok. I'm sorry. Support can be beautiful. I'm right here if you need an assist.
GRACE: I feel good. I feel calm. I feel ready. Can we go?
WILL: Oh, too late. The mother ship has landed.
BOBBI: [ENTERING, SINGING] 76 trombones led the great parade with 110 cornets close behind...
GRACE: Mom, you do realize that parade is only in your head...
WILL: Bobbi, you are, as always, a vision.
BOBBI: Will, if you were any more delicious, I'd have to spread you on a cracker right here.
GRACE: That was really nice for me.
BOBBI: How's my favorite daughter?
GRACE: Ok, mom.
BOBBI: [SOTTO TO WILL] She's not really my favorite. I say that to all my girls. Makes them feel special.
GRACE: So, mom, how's The Music Man going? Dad says it opens next week.
BOBBI: Well, excuse me, it's Music Person. I'm starring as Professor Carol Hill.
WILL: Well, if it's as half as good as your performance as Millie Loman in Death of a Salesperson...
BOBBI: I'm so excited about this match. [TO WILL] You know, Andy and Grace went to camp together.
WILL: Yes, I heard. Woodchuck Number 2.
BOBBI: Oh! He was good. [IMITATING A WOODCHUCK] ff ff ff ff! He's here. [ANDY ENTERS] He's here. Andy! Look! [TO ANDY] We're over here, dear.
BOBBI: Hello, doll. You remember Grace.
ANDY: Yeah, hey, Grace.
GRACE: Andy, hi.
BOBBI: This is Will.
WILL: Hey, Andy, nice to meet you.
BOBBI: Sit down, sit down, sit down. So, last week, Andy's mother called me and--
GRACE: Mom, mom, no, no. I've gotta interrupt you 'cause there's something I wanna say. And, Andy, believe me, this has absolutely nothing to do with you. [READING AN INDEX CARD] "Since the dawn of time... Parents and children have woven an uneasy rug with the twin strands of codependence and independence..."
BOBBI: Move it along, Grace. I'm in my late 40s.
GRACE: Ok, ok, mom. What I am--what I'm trying to say to you is that... [TO ANDY] Andy, I think you're a really great guy.
ANDY: I think you're a really great girl.
GRACE: Mom, no. Let me finish. Look. How many times do we have to go through this? I'm sure that Andy is a really great guy, but, but clearly, he's not for me.
BOBBI: That's right. Andy's here to meet Will.
GRACE: Oh. Well... Ain't that a kick in the head.
WILL: Uh... Will you excuse us a moment? Grace, could I see you over by the chutney bar?
GRACE: I don't really like chutney.
WILL: It's not about the chutney. [WILL PULLS GRACE'S CHAIR OUT FROM UNDER HER. HE AND GRACE MOVE OVER TO THE SIDE, AWAY FROM THE TABLE] I am not getting fixed up by your mother.
GRACE: I'm sorry. I know this is so embarrassing for you, but...look at it this way. It's incredibly entertaining for me.
WILL: I am not doing it, Grace, ok?
GRACE: That's fine. I totally understand. But just one thing.
GRACE: You have to.
GRACE: You'll tell my mom how bad it is. She'll believe you because, well, you didn't come out of her. And then she will finally realize what a bad matchmaker she is, and she Will stop fixing me up.
GRACE: Oh, please, please, please, please, please? Please?
WILL: Clearly, I'm not gonna win this argument. Ok. One date.
GRACE: Thank you. Oh!
WILL: Besides, I may get to answer the age-old question.
GRACE: What's that?
WILL: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck?
SCENE IV: Will's Apartment
(GRACE and BOBBI enter. There's no one there yet.)
BOBBI: What are we doing here? I'm missing "Nash Bridges."
GRACE: Well, you made a match between Will and Andy, and the date's almost over, so I just wanted you to be here so you could witness the, uh, fruits of your labor.
BOBBI: I don't think we should be here. What if they wanna come back for a little touchie-nookie-nicky?
GRACE: Mom, can I take you to my therapist because he thinks I'm making you up.
BOBBI: What do the boys make out to these days? Is it still Judy? What are you smiling at?
GRACE: You really think you have a knack for this, don't you? Even after you set me up with Stanley Fink the mortician. Scott Barkey, who had to touch everything 10 times, then smell it.
BOBBI: I could've done a lot worse than Stanley Fink.
GRACE: Mom, he was a mortician. He touched dead people, and then cooked me short ribs. But you know what? Why take my word for it? Why don't we just wait and see what Will has to say? I think then maybe you'll know why I'm smiling.
WILL: [ENTERING] That is one terrific woodchuck.
SCENE V: The Immigration and Naturalization Service Building
(KAREN is quizzing JACK and ROSARIO while they wait.)
KAREN: Uh, Rosario, what does Jack's father do?
ROSARIO: Make people feel bad about who they are.
KAREN: This is no time to be fooling around!
JACK: Karen, she's right.
KAREN: Rosario, you'll go in first.
ROSARIO: I need some water.
KAREN: Again? What are you, snackin' on a salt lick when I'm not looking? [ROSARIO GETS UP TO GET A DRINK] Look, Jack, there goes my world. There goes my everything.
JACK: Stop worrying. She's just a maid.
KAREN: Just a maid? [GASPING] That's like saying that Pradas are just shoes, or vodka is just a morning beverage.
JACK: Karen, please, the dramatics.
KAREN: Don't you understand how she-- Ok. I am going to tell you something that I've never told anyone. Rosario is my mother.
JACK: She is not your mother.
KAREN: All right, she's not my mother. But, sweet nectar of the gods, nobody gets the Merlot out of my nylons like that li'l plantain. She runs the entire house. She alphabetizes my medicine cabinet. She knows the ins and outs--
KAREN: She's my friend!
JACK: She's not your friend. [KAREN IS SERIOUS.] Oh, my god. She is. Wow. Real feelings. [JACK REACHES OUT A HAND] Are you ok? [KAREN SLAPS HIS HAND AWAY] Look, Karen, just leave everything to me. I promise nothing will go wrong, ok?
[ROGER O'NEILL OPENS HIS OFFICE DOOR -- IT IS THE SAME GUY JACK RAN INTO AT THE MUSIC STORE.]
ROGER: Ok. I'll see Mr. And Mrs. McFarland now.
JACK: [TO KAREN] I remember him well.
SCENE VI: Will's Apartment
(WILL and ANDY are sitting at the table, eating, having a glass of wine and talking.)
ANDY: The last guy I went out with wasn't a fix-up. He was more of a fixer-upper. I used to call him "This Old Boyfriend."
GRACE: [ENTERING] Hi. Andy, Will, I'm sorry to bother you. [TO WILL] My latch, it's stuck. Can you do that trick you do to unstick it? You know, the whack, the bang, and the wiggle-wiggle-waggle?
WILL: [TO ANDY] I'm really sorry you had to hear that.
ANDY: That's ok.
[WILL AND GRACE STEP OUT INTO THE HALLWAY.]
WILL: Whack, bang, wiggle-wiggle?
GRACE: It was code.
WILL: For what? I'm 12?
GRACE: You sold me out.
WILL: Grace, go to bed. You've obviously had a very busy day of crazy.
GRACE: No, I don't think so. You were supposed to be proving a point to my mother, not selfishly sharing a nice evening with someone. This completely flies in the face of my master plan!
WILL: Master plan? What are you, Simon Bar Sinister? Grace, I like him.
GRACE: Well, cut it out! Will, you don't even know him. For your information, he sucked at tether ball. Yeah! Uh-huh! He showered in his underwear, and he once barfed s'mores all over the lodge. But no! Will has to go and find his good side. When did you get to be so spiteful?
WILL: Guess what. This isn't about you. This is about me. And if you have a problem with that, then it's something you should take up with your pharmacist. I'm going back to my apartment, have a glass of wine, some nice conversation, and perhaps, if all goes well, a little whack, bang, wiggle-wiggle. Good night.
SCENE VII: The Immigration and Naturalization Service Building
(ROSARIO is in the ROGER'S office. KAREN and JACK are waiting outside.)
KAREN: How could you not know he worked for the I.N.S.? Don't they teach you anything in homo school?
[CUT TO INSIDE THE OFFICE, WHERE ROGER IS ASKING ROSARIO QUESTIONS ABOUT JACK.]
ROGER: So what kind of music does your, uh, husband like?
ROSARIO: Well, when he's doing butt-robics, he likes 'N Sync. But for the spinning class, he prefers the oldies. You know, Frankie Goes to Hollywood. [SINGING] Relax, stop doing it. Relax, stop doing it.
ROGER: And where did you two meet? Hmm. Let me guess. It was Boy Bar.
ROSARIO: Mister, I don't know what you're talking about. It was a blind date, and we went to Arby's.
ROGER: Ok. Let's stop pretending. I've gotten farther with your husband than you have. I hope your bags are packed 'cause you're going back to El Salvador.
[CUT TO OUTSIDE THE OFFICE, WHERE KAREN AND JACK ARE LISTENING AT THE DOOR]
KAREN: Oh, my god! Honey, they're sending her back! Oh...
JACK: No, they're not. [OPENING THE OFFICE DOOR] No one's going anywhere! How dare you imply our marriage is a sham!
ROGER: Uh, you're gay!
JACK: What, a guy sleeps with guys, and immediately he's pegged as gay? [SCOFFS] Let me tell you a little something about the day I met Rosario. I looked over the top of those half glasses into those big brown eyes, and I knew from that moment love had found Jack McFarland.
ROSARIO: Oh, my cha-cha!
JACK: Rosario, my love, my life, my all... I adore you. You had me at hola. [JACK KISSES ROSARIO PASSIONATELY]
KAREN: Good lord. [TO ROGER] You know you shouldn't look, but there is a certain morbid fascination, isn't there?.
JACK: Sweetie, I believe this is yours. [JACK TAKES THE CHEWING GUM FROM HIS MOUTH AND PUTS IT INTO ROSARIO'S.]
ROGER: Now, I've seen people desperate to be an American, but that is desperate to be an American. Fine. You passed. [ROGER HANDS ROSARIO HER PAPERS] See you in 6 months. We never met.
KAREN: We won! [TO JACK] Oh, honey, you were magnificent! And the light is back in my life. [TO ROSARIO] Oh, honey, you know, it's funny how sometimes you just don't realize how much you might miss something until it's almost gone. Which reminds me, I've got a Chanel suit at the dry cleaners, and, boy, did I miss it! Bye-bye. They close in an hour. Move it or lose it!
ROSARIO: [WHISPERING TO JACK, POINTING TO HER MOUTH] Muy caliente.
SCENE VIII: Will's Apartment
(ANDY is sitting on the couch as WILL chains the door shut.)
WILL: Sorry for all these interruptions. I promise Grace will not be coming back. You wanna watch some TV, or do you wanna save that for 2 years from now when we have nothing to say to each other?
GRACE: [TRYING TO OPEN THE DOOR] Will, there's something wrong with the door. The chain's on.
WILL: That's because I couldn't weld it shut. [PUSHES THE DOOR SHUT.]
GRACE: [THROUGH THE DOOR CRACK] Hello. [BANGING THE DOOR AGAINST THE CHAIN] Will, Will, Will, Will, Will, Will. Hello!
WILL: [SOTTO, TO GRACE] Hey! Hey! Francis! What is the number one rule in the Will and Grace rule book?
GRACE: No white belts?
WILL: No. Incorrect. It's God help the sister that comes between me and my mister.
ANDY: You know, even though I am not a superhero, I can still hear you. This is getting a little weird. I think I should just go.
WILL: No. This will just take a second.
ANDY: No. She obviously has a problem. Why don't you figure out what it is and call me tomorrow? From a secure location.
[WILL OPENS THE DOOR. ANDY LEAVES AS GRACE ENTERS.]
GRACE: Oh. Don't put this on me. You screwed this up. If you would have just stuck to the master plan--
WILL: Stop mentioning the plan. There is no plan! Don't say "master." Don't say "plan."
GRACE: All I'm saying is if you had just told my mother that you hated Andy--
WILL: I don't hate Andy. I like Andy.
GRACE: Well, Humphrey Bogart liked Ingrid Bergman, but he gave her up for the good of the resistance.
WILL: Have you been swinging from power lines?
GRACE: All I'm saying is if you had just followed the program, formerly known as "the master plan," my mother would stop fixing me up!
WILL: Grace, let me ask you a question. Has your mother fixed you up the whole time she's been here?
WILL: Has she mentioned anything about fixing you up?
WILL: Do you get the slightest impression that a fix-up is anywhere on the horizon?
WILL: Then what's your damage, heather?
GRACE: My damage?
GRACE: My damage is that she's done fixing me up!
WILL: Yeah. I think that's a discussion between you and your mom. I'm gonna go find Andy. How did you get this nuts? [WILL OPENS THE DOOR, AND BOBBI IS STANDING THERE WITH HER EAR PRESSED AGAINST IT.] I guess we'll never know. [WILL EXITS]
BOBBI: [YELLING TO WILL] I made him wait in the lobby!
WILL: [OFF-SCREEN] Thank you!
GRACE: Mom, have you given up on me?
BOBBI: I don't know what you're talkin' about.
GRACE: Why did you stop fixing me up?
BOBBI: Well, Grace you told me to stop interfering in your life, so I stopped.
GRACE: Mom, I've been saying that ever since you snuck falsies into my band uniform. What's different now?
BOBBI: I listen.
GRACE: You're a mother. You're not supposed to listen.
BOBBI: Then what do you want me to do?
GRACE: I don't want you to fix me up. But I want you to want to fix me up. I just don't want you to want me to want to go out with the guys that you want to fix me up with.
BOBBI: You know, this rambling problem comes from your grandmother. Honey, uh, whatever you said, I promise I'll try.
GRACE: Thanks, mom.
BOBBI: Ohh! The gays are so much easier.
[LATER. WILL AND GRACE ARE IN THE HALLWAY TALKING.]
GRACE: I'm so sorry.
WILL: Well... I'm sorry that-- I didn't do anything wrong. God, you've got me well-trained! [SIGHS] Come here. [WILL AND GRACE HUG.]
BOBBI: [ENTERING HALLWAY] You two feel something when you hug? Anything? Because, Will, if you did, it would make my life so much easier.