Original Airdate 11/2/99
Written by Jhoni Marchinko
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Scott Patterson (John Gregorio)
Anthony De Santis (Walter)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
(WILL and JACK are sitting at the table.)
WILL: So, Jack, you're still coming with me to pick up my new DVD player, right?
JACK: Oh, my God, is that today? What do I have today? Um...
WILL: What exactly are you looking at?
JACK: I'm just going over my schedule. Uh... Nope, sorry, can't squeeze you in.
WILL: Did I mention that with DVD you can watch porn from any angle?
JACK: Oh, look. My schedule just opened up.
GRACE: [ENTERING] Hmm. I wonder what's in the paper today. Let's see... [READING THE HEADLINES] War, famine, the computer I bought a month ago is now half the price. And on the front page of the arts section, Aah aah aah! Oh, my god, it's me!
WILL: Let me see!
JACK: Will, Will, Will, buy me a computer. I want one in tangerine to match the shoes you're going to get me later.
WILL: [PATTING JACK'S CHEEK] I think you missed the point of Grace's entrance. [SMACKS JACK'S CHEEK; TO GRACE] Let me see that. [READING] "From warehouse to our house, the transformation of a Tribeca loft."
GRACE: Get to me! Get to me!
WILL: Um, um, um... "Manhattan interior designer Grace Adler, 26--" [STOPS AND LOOKS AT GRACE]
GRACE: It must've been a typo.
JACK: More like a lie-o.
WILL: Grace, this is great!
GRACE: There's a picture and everything.
WILL: Look at that gorgeous face!
GRACE: Look at the leather pants.
JACK: Look at those massive jugs.
WILL: Yeah. What's going on there? [ALL THREE LOOK CLOSELY AT THE PICTURE IN THE PAPER]
GRACE: What are you talking about? My...jugs...look exactly like they do in the picture.
WILL: They definitely don't. No. These are, like, 5 times the size. I mean, maybe it was the angle the photograph was taken. You know, King Kong was only 8 inches tall. Look. Let me show you. And I'm a gay man, so this means nothing. [WILL CUPS GRACE'S BREASTS] This is how big yours are, see, whereas the picture gives the illusion of, like, thisness. [MOVES HIS HANDS DOWN]
GRACE: Oh! [KNOCKING HIS HANDS AWAY] You're crazy!
JACK: Grace, let me see now. I am also a gay man, so this means nothing. [CUPS GRACE'S BREASTS] Yeah, Will's right. These are definitely smaller. Oh, my god. I just got to second with Grace!
GRACE: I guess they do look a little hugesque.
JACK: Do me. See how big mine are.
GRACE: Jack, no.
JACK: Come on! You got felt up.
GRACE: Ok, but I'm a straight woman, so this means nothing.
GRACE: [GRACE CUPS JACK'S PECS] Someone's been working out?
WILL: Hey, hey, Gracie, you know, while you're giving it away over there... Huh?
GRACE: Now, these are some knockers!
[GRACE PUTS THE OTHER HAND ON JACK'S PEC...WILL PUTS A HAND ON JACK'S PEC...JACK PUTS A HAND ON WILL'S PEC...JACK AND WILL BOTH PUT THEIR OTHER HANDS ON GRACE'S BREASTS...]
WILL: Ok. This just got weird. [THEY REMOVE THEIR HANDS AND MOVE APART.]
SCENE II: Grace's Office
(KAREN is at her desk as WILL and GRACE enter.)
GRACE: [TO KAREN] Hi.
KAREN: Oh, look. It's the dynamic duo. Oop, and Will!
GRACE: So you've seen the picture.
KAREN: Yeah, honey. What happened there? Oh, Grace, you got a call from a guy. It was about a person... or a place or a thing. I don't know, something.
GRACE: Ok, that's a start. We know a human being called regarding a noun.
KAREN: Oh, devil. I wrote it down here somewhere. Let's see. What was I-- Oh, I was putting on my face when-- Oh, there it is! There. [POINTING TO THE WALL, WHERE THE PHONE NUMBER IS WRITTEN IN LIPSTICK]
GRACE: John Gregorio called? Oh, my god! No way! He's such a fox!
KAREN: Good lord. A pack of cigs and a pregnancy scare and this could be high school.
GRACE: John Gregorio was high school for me, even though he wouldn't give me the time of day. Anyway, I heard he's an artist now. He must've, uh, he must've seen the article and liked what I did with the loft.
WILL: Yeah. The loft.
KAREN: Gotta be the loft.
GRACE: Hey, the guy is an artist. He was just responding to an esthetic.
WILL: Yeah, the esthetic of your giant hooters.
KAREN: Will is right, honey. Mr. High school called because he thinks you're stacked. Now, if you actually were, you would understand the effect that they have on men, but, alas, Mother Nature did not bless you as she did me. [KAREN STANDS NEXT TO GRACE, CHEST OUT]
WILL: Said the woman whose frown lines were filled with ass fat. Bye-bye.
GRACE: Bye. [TO KAREN] I'm going to call him.
KAREN: All right. Don't be too chatty. Just make your breasts sound big.
GRACE: [DIAL PHONE] Ahem. [INTO PHONE] John? Hi. It's Grace Adler. How are you? It--it has been a really long time. Yes, yes, that was a loft I did about a month ago. I'm very proud of it. [BEAT] Oh. Yes, that--that was me in the picture.
GRACE: [INTO PHONE] What? Oh, I--I-- I would love to. Yes, I know exactly where it is. Ok. [HANGS UP; TO KAREN] He's part of a group show at the Zelman Gallery, and he invited me! [PANTING] Ahh--Ahh--Ahh! [OFF KAREN'S LOOK] What?
KAREN: He thinks you've got big melons. So if I were you, Grace, I would figure out a way to turn those honey-don'ts into some honeydews!
SCENE III: Will's Apartment
(WILL is hooking up his new DVD player to the TV. JACK is laying on the couch thumbing through a magazine.)
WILL: Jack, could I get some help here, please?
JACK: I think I'm going to bring back paisley.
WILL: That's so funny that you mention paisley, because do something! I think you're sitting on the remote.
JACK: [LOOKING THROUGH THE SOFA] Why is there an earring in your sofa?
WILL: It's probably Grace's.
JACK: It looks just like the skull earring I gave my old boyfriend Walter.
WILL: Uh... [NERVOUS] Well, I don't know. It looks like a pretty common skull.
JACK: I had a "W" engraved on it, you know, for Walter. Isn't that sweet? Oh, look. This one has an "M." [JACK LOOKS AT THE EARRING FOR A MOMENT, THEN TURNS HIS HEAD UPSIDE DOWN AND GASPS]
WILL: Jack--Jack, it's not what you think.
JACK: You fooled around with my Walter! [JACK RUNS TO THE FREEZER, GRABS AN ICE CUBE AND RUNS IT OVER HIS FACE.]
WILL: Ok, it is what you think, but--but, Jack, Jack, he wasn't your Walter. You'd broken up long ago. You know, he was--he was Walter Up-for-Grabs, so I--I grabbed.
JACK: How could you?
WILL: It was one time.
JACK: Commandment number one in the gay bible-- thou shalt not covet my ex's ass!
WILL: Jack-- Is that from the book of Genesissy?
JACK: [HOLDING HIS CROTCH] That is so funny! That's it! Good-bye.
WILL: Jack, Jack!
JACK: Sinner! [EXITS, SLAMMING THE DOOR LIGHTLY]
WILL: Well, you couldn't be that angry. You barely even slammed the door.
[JACK OPENS THE DOOR AND SLAMS IT REALLY HARD]
SCENE IV: A Lingerie Bouqitue
(KAREN is sitting outside the fitting room waiting for GRACE.)
KAREN: Hey, honey! How you making out with the fake boobies?
GRACE: [OFF-SCREEN] This is crazy. I don't need this.
KAREN: Yeah, whatever, honey. Just bring out the floatin' fun bags.
GRACE: [ENTERING. STACKED.] See? This is ridiculous. I look like a ski resort.
KAREN: Look at you, honey. [MOVES GRACE IN FRONT OF A MIRROR] Look, look, look! You're all grown up. Ohh!
GRACE: Leave it to a man to invent a bra filled with water.
KAREN: Come on. Everybody in your condition wears them. They make objects appear larger than they really are. Ok, now let's buy that puppy and get the hell out of here.
GRACE: No, no. I don't want this. I don't want lingerie that a goldfish could live in. I feel completely comfortable the way I am. John likes me for me.
KAREN: Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Oh, honey, I'm telling you, you should do stand-up. That's good.
GRACE: Karen, he does.
KAREN: Yeah, ok, well, then, let me ask you one question. Uh, Did John Gregorio have a girlfriend in high school?
GRACE: Yeah, Judi Lombardosi.
KAREN: Judi Lombardosi. Ok, and let me guess. Was her nickname, um, "Slutty Big Boobs?"
GRACE: No! It was "Judi Lombar-look-at-dem-dosies." [BEAT] I'll take one in every color.
SCENE V: Will's Apartment Building, The Hallway
(WILL gets off the elevator and walks to his apartment door as JACK exits Grace's apartment and walks to the elevator.)
JACK: Hi, how are you.
WILL: Where--where have you been? I've been trying to call you all day.
JACK: Oh, what a coincidence. I've been trying to ignore you all day. That's so funny. And you might want to talk to your wife about the quality of her snacks. There's nothing in her fridge but batteries and mayonnaise. See ya'. Wouldn't wanna be ya.
WILL: You're stealing food from her now? I'm--I'm hurt.
JACK: [HOLDING THE ELEVATOR DOOR OPEN] You're hurt?
WILL: Jack, come on. Give me a break. I left 32 "I'm sorrys" on your answering machine, and even one "I'm sowwy." Come on. I just shopped at Balducci's.
JACK: [SLOWLY EXITING THE ELEVATOR] I'll go in, but only to grab a Balance bar and some chicken. Then I've got to go.
[WILL AND JACK ENTER WILL'S APARTMENT.]
JACK: Excuse me. In a rush! I'm meeting Rory at the Mandy Bar. You remember Rory. Yeah, He's the friend that never slept with any of my boyfriends.
WILL: Jack, if I'm supposed to stay away from every guy you've ever slept with, that would leave me with... women.
JACK: For your information, Will, Walter was the love of my life.
WILL: You said that about each Backstreet Boy at one time or another. Besides, you guys only went out for, what, a month?
JACK: Yeah, and then he dumped me. You remember what that feels like, huh? It hurts.
WILL: I had no idea. You never mentioned it.
JACK: How often do you talk about Michael? Oh, that's right, all the time, because you're so self-absorbed. [JACK FIXES HIS HAIR IN THE MIRROR ABOVE THE FIREPLACE] But me, I don't wear my heart on my sleeve.
WILL: Ok, I get it. I screwed up. What--what is this going to cost me?
JACK: Not much. Just a friend. [JACK EXITS]
WILL: Jack, I know you're not that angry 'cause you didn't slam the door. [BEAT] Slam the door, Jack. [LOOKS OUT THE PEEPHOLE] Jack?
SCENE VI: The Zelman Gallery
(GRACE, wearing her new bra, is browsing the art as WILL enters.)
WILL: Oh, I'm so sorry that I'm late, but-- [NOTICING HER BREASTS] Hello, kitties! What's--what's with that?
GRACE: It's a hydra-bra. Water-filled for extra perkiness. [BOUNCING UP AND DOWN] Ha ha ha! You would not believe the day I've had. Guys whistling at me, shouting lewd comments. It was fantastic!
WILL: Sweetie, you don't need those. You're perfect.
GRACE: Yeah, but you know, I just-- I wanted to look good for John. Hey, all I'm saying is you do what you have to do to make yourself feel a little more attractive.
WILL: I just want to go on record as saying it is wrong to lie. By the way, I told Jack that Cher is going to be here tonight.
GRACE: Cher's here?
WILL: No, no. I just told him that so he'd come here to meet Walter.
GRACE: Who's Walter?
WILL: I told you this y-- God, do the boobs make you dumber?
WILL: I'm going to go look at myself in the mirror again.
JACK: [ENTERING, RUNNING FROM PERSON TO PERSON] Cher, Cher? Cher! Hi-- Oh, sorry. [TO WILL] Um... Where is she? What's she wearing? [IMITATING CHER SINGING] Gypsies, tramps and thieves, we hear it from the people of the--
WILL: Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, she's not here yet. Now, just calm down and have an hors d'oeuvre.
JACK: Hey, hey, hey, don't get so chummy. I ain't sure I'm liking you yet.
[CUT TO GRACE AND KAREN, IN ANOTHER PART OF THE GALLERY]
GRACE: Karen, watch. [BOUNCING UP AND DOWN]
KAREN: Welcome to my world, honey.
GRACE: And thank you for inviting me. No, but seriously, Karen, I mean, you just really took an interest, and I just want to tell you how much I appreciate it.
KAREN: Well, Grace, you know, we joke a lot, but when you get right down to it, I--
GRACE: There's John. Get lost. [PUSHES KAREN OUT OF THE ROOM AS JOHN GREGORIO ENTERS]
JOHN: Grace Adler. I can't believe it. I'm so glad you came.
GRACE: Me, too.
JOHN: Wow! Look at you.
GRACE: [SQUEEKY VOICE TO HERSELF] John Gregorio!
JOHN: Look, I got to go play host for a few minutes. Uh, I'll find you.
GRACE: We'll be here-- I'll be here.
[JOHN EXITS AND KAREN MOVES OVER TO GRACE]
GRACE: Eeey, yiii, aahhh! I think he likes me. Thank you so much, Karen! [HUGS KAREN]
KAREN: Ok, ok. Push me again and you die. Oh, wait, honey, I think you're caught on my brooch. Oh, I got it. Ok.
GRACE: Oh, my gosh. His art is amazing. Look at that.
[GRACE'S BREAST SPRINGS A LEAK; A STREAM OF WATER SPRAYS FROM HER BREAST. IT SPRAYS TWO OTHER PEOPLE AND THEN WILL.]
WILL: Oh, my god!
[WILL RUNS UP BEHIND GRACE, AND PUTS HIS HAND OVER HER LEAK. THE OTHER BREAST SPRINGS A LEAK. WILL PLACE'S HIS OTHER HAND OVER THE NEW LEAK.]
GRACE: Will, what are you doing?
WILL: I think you've sprung a leak.
GRACE: What are you talking about?
[WILL REMOVES HIS HANDS AND WATER STREAMS SPRAY OUT FROM HER BREASTS. GRACE GASPS, THEN WILL COVERS THEM UP.]
WILL: I haven't been with a woman in some time, but I'm pretty sure they're not supposed to do that.
GRACE: Oh, my god.
KAREN: [WALKING PAST] Good lord, why don't you two get a room?
GRACE: [TO WILL] Oh, my god. Ok, just start walking, ok?
GRACE: We've got to get out of here before we see John! [JOHN ENTERS] Hi! Ha ha ha! Hi. Old friend. Haven't seen him in a long time. So, John, how's your show? [SOTTO, TO WILL] Will, I got this.
WILL: [SOTTO] Good luck.
[GRACE COVERS THE LEAKS WITH HER ARMS AS WILL REMOVES HIS HANDS.]
JOHN: I didn't get a chance to give you a proper hello. Did you get some champagne?
GRACE: No, no, but that's ok.
JOHN: Oh, no. You got to have a glass. It's my opening. [HANDS GRACE A GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE.]
GRACE: Thank you.
JOHN: To old friends, who should've gotten together earlier.
[GRACE TRIES TO DRINK WITHOUT REMOVING HER ARMS FROM HER BREASTS BY BENDING BACKWARDS]
JOHN: What are you doing? Why are you drinking like that?
GRACE: Oh, it's just--I'm just blown away by your--by your watercolors. It's just like, whoa! Excuse me for just one second.
JOHN: Wait, wait, wait a second. Why are you trying to get away from me?
GRACE: Ok, John, I'm--I'm going to be honest with you. We live in a deeply patriarchal society in which women are unfairly judged by--ugh! My boobies are fake. And broken. I'm wearing the hydra-bra.
JOHN: Why--why, why would you do that?
GRACE: Well, I just-- the picture made me look, you know, and I thought that you would maybe like it because, I mean, after all, you did go out with Judi Lombardosi.
JOHN: Judi Lombardosi had a beautiful soul. Come on. Give me a little credit. I mean, Grace, I called you because I thought you were talented and creative.
GRACE: I am talented and creative. I mean, did you see the way that I drank the champagne.
JOHN: I'm sorry, Grace, but I'm looking to be with somebody who's a little more secure and a little less shallow.
JOHN: [WALKING UP TO KAREN, WHO IS BENT OVER FIXING HER SHOE] Hello. You look like you have a beautiful soul.
KAREN: Honey, that's not my soul you're looking at.
[GRACE PUSHES ON HER BREASTS, SPRAYING THE WATERCOLOR PAINTINGS WITH WATER.]
SCENE VII: The Zelman Gallery
(LATER. WILL and GRACE are looking at the paitings GRACE ruined.)
WILL: I think you improved them. They're moodier.
GRACE: I'm glad you like them, 'cause you're getting them for christmas.
WILL: How are you feeling?
GRACE: Oh... A little deflated. What was I thinking? I look fine the way I am.
WILL: Why didn't you believe me when I said that?
GRACE: Well, 'cause you're too close, you're gay... You're my best friend, you're gay, you love me, you're gay.
WILL: Hey, hey, hey, there was a time when I was a boob man. 'Course it ended when my mom switched to formula, but... [GRACE EXITS]
JACK: [ENTERING] Ok, it's 10:00 and no Cher. Unless you can turn back time, I'm very, very angry.
WILL: Jack, she's not coming. I just told you that to get you down here.
JACK: Hmm. Ok. Just give me a minute here. [YELLING] How dare you play the Cher card?! And why do I keep falling for it? How dare you?!
WILL: I know, I know, I know, but I think I've got something that's going to make you even happier.
JACK: Inconceivable. Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice... you're thinning on top. Good-bye.
WILL: Jack, Jack, I tracked down Walter. He's coming here tonight.
JACK: Shut up. What did he say?
WILL: He said that he's still single and he's still living in New York and, uh, he's dying to see you.
JACK: [JUMPING UP AND DOWN] Shut up, shut up! You're the best friend in the whole world.
WILL: And he just walked in.
JACK: How do I look? Am I swimming in these pants, 'cause they're yours.
WILL: You look fine, Jack.
JACK: Ok, now go get him and bring him to me.
WILL: Bring him to-- what is this, 1810? [MOTIONING TO WALTER] Walter!
WALTER: Hi, Will! Hey, Jack. Sorry I'm late.
WALTER: Wow, you look great!
JACK: Thank you. So do you. Heh heh. Would you just excuse us just for a second? [TO WILL] Over here.
JACK: That's Walter?
WILL: Yeah, the love of your life.
JACK: Ok, don't get angry at me, but I was totally thinking of somebody else.
[JACK RUNS OUT OF THE GALLERY]