Original Airdate 12/14/99
Written by Jon Kinnally & Tracy Poust
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Tom Gallop (Rob)
Leigh-Allyn Baker (Ellen)
Steve Valentine (Kai)
Tamlyn Tomita (Naomi)
J. T. Larsen (John)
Penn Badgley (Boy #1, Todd)
Julius Ritter (Boy #2, Curtis)
Amy Crofoot (Secretary)
SCENE I: A Chinese Dim Sum Restaurant
(WILL, GRACE, ROB, and ELLEN are sitting at a large table. A waiter with the dim sum cart is taking their order.)
GRACE: [POINTING] I want this, this, and that.
WILL: I want that, too, and I want one of these, and this. [TO GRACE] Do you want this?
GRACE: I already got some of that. You know what they say about dim sum, I'll have dim sum... And dim some more! [LAUGHS, THEN SNORTS]
WILL: Why can't life be like this? Why can't they bring around cart with guys on little plates? That way you could sample a little, before you committed to a whole one. This one's too spicy, this one's too mealy. I'm gonna hate myself in the morning for eating that one.
GRACE: [TO ROB AND ELLEN] Ok, what do you guys want?
ELLEN: I'd like a menu.
ROB: Yeah, we don't actually eat this stuff.
ELLEN: [TO WAITER] You know what? Just some white rice and two forks. [BEAT] Clean!
[TWO NEW PEOPLE SIT DOWN AT THE TABLE--KAI AND NAOMI.]
ELLEN: [TO GRACE] Why do we have to sit with all the weirdos?
GRACE: No, it's fun. It's family style.
WILL: Yeah, it's family style! Later, the waiters come over and tell you and tell you what a disappointment you are to them. [LAUGHS]
ROB: You know where you can always get your own table? The Olive Garden.
ELLEN: Oh, yeah.
ROB: In fact, there's one the next exit down from us, in Secaucus.
ELLEN: Yeah, I know what everyone says about The Olive Garden, but the one in Secaucus is something special!
ELLEN: Tell 'em about the Buffalo wings!
ROB: Try and stop me!
ROB: You know how I like food that's spicy, but not too spicy? They've got these Buffalo wings... [ROB DRONES ON]
WILL'S VOICE: They are so boring.
GRACE'S VOICE: Ooh. Cute guy over there, checking you out.
WILL'S VOICE: Where?
GRACE'S VOICE: Don't look.
ELLEN: ...Primavera, marinara, alfredo... [POINTING TO HER PLATE] What is this?
GRACE: Oh, that's your rice.
ELLEN: It's in a leaf. [BEAT] Can we go somewhere else?
WILL: Uh, sure. I guess. We'll go with you. Oh, just a couple of quick bites?
[WILL AND GRACE BEGIN SHOVELING IN THEIR FOOD.]
ELLEN: Whoa. Lovin' the food. Goodness, we're party-poopers. And we need to stay.
KAI: [INTERRUPTING] You know, I have a suggestion. [TO ROB AND ELLEN] Why don't you guys go someplace else? [TO WILL AND GRACE] And you chaps stay here. And then, some other night, you can all meet up at your Onion Garden.
ELLEN: [TO KAI] Ok, well, thank you very much, Mr. Man, but I think we can figure this one out on our own, ok? All right, why don't you two stay, and we will meet up some other night, at the Olive Garden.
ROB: Yeah, maybe tomorrow night?
GRACE: Ok, bye.
KAI: So, you guys married?
WILL: No, I'm gay. This is my friend.
KAI: Pay up, honey.
SCENE II: Grace's Office
(GRACE and WILL are telling JACK and KAREN about their night.)
GRACE: And afterward, Naomi and Kai took us to this underground club that was so cool it didn't even have a name. Just a design. Like a squiggle and a pbbbt!
WILL: Yeah. The club formerly known as "Pbbbt Squiggle." And afterwards, who did I run into, in the bathroom? Peter Gabriel. Talk about shocking the monkey.
GRACE: Oh, and Kai? Kai has been arrested with Greenpeace 3 times! I wanna get arrested.
JACK AND KAREN [Both]: Go outside in that outfit! Oh, jinx!
KAREN: Oh! I can't believe that!
KAREN: Oh! [TO JACK] Did you see this?
GRACE: [ANSWERING PHONE] Grace Adler designs.
[CUT BETWEEN ELLEN AND ROB'S AND GRACE'S OFFICE.]
ELLEN: [INTO PHONE] It's me.
GRACE: [INTO PHONE] Hey, Ellen!
ELLEN:[INTO PHONE] Hi! Just calling to confirm tonight: 7:30 at The Olive Garden. I should probably give you directions.
GRACE: [INTO PHONE] Right, tonight. Right... Uh, will you hold on a second?
ELLEN: [INTO PHONE] Sure.
GRACE: [TO WILL] That's Rob and Ellen, calling about dinner tonight.
WILL: Oh, no, no! Naomi and Kai have backstage passes to Elvis Costello!
GRACE: What are we gonna do?
WILL: We can't lie.
GRACE: [INTO PHONE] Will's sick. We have to cancel.
ELLEN: [INTO PHONE] Oh, no! I hope he didn't catch anything from those freaks we left you with last night! Oh! Rob said the funniest thing about them. What was it you said, honey?
ROB: [LEANING INTO PHONE] "Is the circus in town?"
ELLEN: [INTO PHONE] I laughed and I laughed! Anyway, tell Will that we hope he feels better, and we'll just try another time.
GRACE: [INTO PHONE] Ok, bye. [HANGS UP. TO WILL] We just lied to our friends. [JACK ROLLS HIS EYES] How does that make you feel?
WILL: I'm not gonna lie to you. I feel great.
GRACE: Me, too.
WILL: Come on, buy me a latte, you big liar.
GRACE: Ok. Ok, Karen, I'll be back in an hour. Um, answer the... Who am I kidding? [GRACE AND WILL EXIT.]
KAREN: Thank God. Why is she always hanging around here?
JACK: She does whatever Will does. He would be the alpha cow.
KAREN: So, honey, how would you like to have a spa day with me Monday?
JACK: [JUMPING UP AND DOWN, SING-SONG] Jack happy! Jack happy! [DANCING]
KAREN: That's right, we'll do a little mud, a little seaweed, totally detox. Then we'll get plastered, and go over to my stepkids' school for a little parent-teacher conference.
JACK: School? Why don't you take-- And I'm just gonna throw this out at you-- Their father?
KAREN: Honey, Stan can't make it. He's having some work done on his Mercedes. Or his... kidneys... I wasn't really paying attention. [SIGHS]
JACK: Sorry, Kar, no can do. Elementary schools freak me out. Too many bad memories... The name-calling, the taunting, the vicious games of "Red-rover, red rover, let's beat the hell out of Jack."
KAREN: Oh, was poodle not very poopular?
JACK: You have no idea. For little Jack McFarland... Or "Jack McFairyland" as I was known, elementary school was a house of pain.
KAREN: Oh, honey, I am so sorry. That must've been rough. And why you? Sweet little boy, with sparkly blue eyes, and a beautiful smile. Little Jack... Little Jack McFairyland! Ha Ha! [JUMPING AND CLAPPING] Ha Ha!
KAREN: McFairy sensitive! Nyah, Nyah, Nyah. I'm a girl. Waah, waah!
JACK: Karen, this is not the time or--
KAREN: [GRABBING JACK'S SHIRT] Hey, McFairyland, gimme your lunch money, or I'm gonna kick your ass! [SHAKING FIST] Ha ha! [GIGGLES] Oh, god. Kids can be so cruel.
JACK: Karen, it wasn't funny. It was a very painful time for me.
KAREN: Listen, face your fears. You're not a kid, anymore. You're a big, strong man, so get over it.
JACK: Karen, there's no way I'm going over to that... You just called me a big, strong man.
KAREN: Yes, I did, you big, strong man.
JACK: Ok, I'll go. I'm gonna go. Big, strong man.
KAREN: There's a bunny! [TICKLING JACK]
JACK: Ha ha! Stop it!
KAREN: Little bunny! [TICKLING JACK]
JACK: Stop it!
SCENE III: Will's Apartment
(WILL, GRACE, NAOMI, and KAI are getting ready to go out.)
NAOMI: We should get going.
KAI: Now remember, when we get backstage, if anyone asks, you're press.
NAOMI: You guys don't have a problem lying, do you?
GRACE: No, I'll just tell them I'm from Rolling Stone.
WILL: No, No, I wanna be from Rolling Stone! Tell 'em you're from... [RE: GRACE'S LEATHER OUTFIT] Naugahyde Weekly.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
GRACE: See, lying is only a problem if you get caught, and, since we never get caught, there's never a problem.
[GRACE LOOKS THROUGH THE PEEP-HOLE. IT'S ROB AND ELLEN!]
GRACE: Oh no. Huh... [GIGGLES]
[GRACE EXITS INTO THE HALLWAY.]
GRACE: [TO ROB AND ELLEN] Hi, guys. What's going on?
ELLEN: Uh, we brought some soup for Will. [HOLDS UP A BAG. ELLEN NOTICES GRACE'S OUTFIT]
GRACE: Oh, oh...this. This is just...a whole naughty nurse thing I do for Will. Makes him feel better when he's sick.
GRACE: Oh, but that's so nice, with the soup... So sweet... You guys are the best. Bye!
ROB: Grace. Grace, can we come in and see Will?
GRACE: Oh, I would love that, but Will is out like a light.
WILL: [OFF-SCREEN] Grace, what's going on out there?
GRACE: Whoops! Look who's up! Would you just... Hold on just one minute.
ELLEN: Well, should we come in?
GRACE: No, that's not a good idea. It's like germapalooza in there. I'll get him.
[GRACE ENTERS WILL'S APARTMENT.]
KAI: Are we ready?
GRACE: Uh, not quite yet.
WILL: What are you doing?
GRACE: I have to settle a bet with the guy out in the hall.
WILL: What's the bet?
GRACE: That you wouldn't go out in the hall wearing a blanket.
[GRACE WRAPS A BLANKET AROUND WILL AND PULLS HIM INTO THE HALLWAY]
WILL: Grace, what are you doing? Are you crazy? We're gonna be late for... Elvis Cost--Hello!
ROB: Hey! Grace said you were sick, so we brought you some soup.
WILL: [SICK VOICE] You guys are so thoughtful. Bye!
ELLEN: Oh, just one second! Can I use your bathroom before we go?
ROB: Ellen had two Snapples.
WILL: Oh, I-I-I wouldn't do that. It's--It's germapalooza in there!
GRACE: Oh my God! [HITTING WILL] That's what I said! [TO ELLEN] You could use my apartment, ok. Ellen. And Rob... Why don't you go with her?
ROB: Why would I do that?
GRACE: Um, because you love her!
WILL: Come on, buddy, be a man! I do it for Grace.
ROB: Yeah. [TO ELLEN] Sorry, honey. I wasn't thinking. [ROB FOLLOWS ELLEN INTO GRACE'S APARTMENT.]
GRACE: [TO WILL] Oh, my god, what are we gonna do?
WILL: It's no biggie. She'll pee, they'll leave, and we'll go to see Elvis Costello! [SINGING WHILE GRACE DANCES] Pump it up, when you don't really need it! Pump it up, until you can't feel it!
ELLEN: [EXITING FROM GRACE'S APARTMENT] Will... Will! What are you doing?
GRACE: Oh, my god, it's gotten worse! He's got a fever!
WILL: Fever! It's a fever!
ROB: Why were you dancing?
WILL: It's a boogie fever! So, now... You guys finished?
ELLEN: No. Grace, you're out of toilet paper. I'm just gonna use Will's bathroom. Really, I won't get sick.
GRACE: No, no, no, no. See the toilet paper is in these boxes... I know exactly where it is! Rob, are you coming? [GRACE AND ELLEN EXIT INTO GRACE'S APARTMENT]
WILL: Come on, man, get with it!
ROB: Sorry, honey. [FOLLOWS THEM INTO GRACE'S APARTMENT.]
[KAI AND NAOMI EXIT WILL'S APARTMENT INTO THE HALLWAY.]
KAI: Will, man, listen, we should really get going.
WILL: Ok, you guys go downstairs and grab a cab. I'll wait for Grace. You're not gonna wear your blankets? Oh, ok. Me, neither!
[KAI AND NAOMI EXIT INTO THE ELEVATOR.]
ELLEN: [EXITING GRACE'S APARTMENT] I am not using The Village Voice!
GRACE: [FOLLOWING ELLEN] What about Mademoiselle?
GRACE: Come on! Gwyneth Paltrow's on the cover!
ELLEN: No! I am using Will's bathroom.
GRACE: You can't!
WILL: Yes, she can. It's fine.
GRACE: It is?
[ELLEN EXITS INTO WILL'S APARTMENT.]
ROB: Well, I guess I should...yeah. [ROB FOLLOWS ELLEN INTO WILL'S]
WILL: [TO GRACE] Ok. Naomi and Kai are downstairs, getting a cab.
WILL: We'll wait for Rob and Ellen to finish, send them down, wait 30 seconds. Then we'll go down, meet Naomi and Kai in the cab, go to the Elvis Costello concert, meet cute guys, live long, happy lives, no problem!
NAOMI: [EXITING FROM THE ELEVATOR] You guys...
KAI: Naomi has to use the loo.
GRACE: Ok! Since Will already locked up, you can use my apartment.
KAI: Ok, but we're really in a hurry. [TO WILL] Why don't you go get a cab?
WILL: Why can't you get a cab?
KAI: Come on, man, I've gotta go with her! [KAI AND NAOMI EXIT INTO GRACE'S APARTMENT]
GRACE: They're gonna need toilet paper!
WILL: Ok, You get the toilet paper!
GRACE: You get my jacket!
WILL: And I'll be in Scotland 'afore ye! [ENTERING HIS APARTMENT]
GRACE: Laughing on the inside. [ENTERING HER APARTMENT]
WILL: [EXITING FROM HIS APARTMENT AND ENTERING GRACE'S] Your jacket...
GRACE: [EXITING FROM HER APARTMENT AND ENETERING WILL'S] Toilet paper...
WILL: [EXITING GRACE'S APARTMENT] I got your jacket! Get the toilet paper!
GRACE: Get the elevator! [ENTERS HER APARTMENT]
[WILL PRESSES THE ELEVATOR BUTTON.]
GRACE: [EXITING HER APARTMENT] Ok, they've got the toilet paper. Where's my jacket?
WILL: Here's your jacket.
GRACE: Ok, did they get the cab?
WILL: No, We're getting the cab.
GRACE: Who's getting the elevator?
WILL: Elevator's here!
GRACE: Now, let's get a cab!
[WILL AND GRACE EXIT INTO THE ELEVATOR.]
WILL: Oh, my god, that was close.
GRACE: Damn, we're good.
WILL AND GRACE [BOTH]: [SCREAMING] Ahhhh!
[WILL AND GRACE EXIT THE ELEVATOR. ROB, ELLEN, KAI, AND NAOMI ARE IN THE HALLWAY.]
ELLEN: Grace... You wanna explain this?
GRACE: Yes, I do. [BEAT] Will?
WILL: Huh? I'm not gonna lie to you. These are my doctors. She's an acupuncturist and he's... British.
ELLEN: No, they're not. They're the weirdos from the restaurant.
KAI: This is a rather awkward moment. Exit, the weirdos, to get a cab. [WHISPERING] We'll be downstairs. Hurry up, guys. [KAI AND NAOMI EXIT INTO THE ELEVATOR.]
ELLEN: You guys suck.
ROB: How could you lie to us?
WILL: Define lying! We didn't lie.
GRACE: No. We--
WILL: Lying is... We're sorry.
GRACE: We're sorry.
ELLEN: How could you do it, Grace? And why don't you try the truth this time?
GRACE: Ok, the truth is that... sometimes you guys just don't wanna do...
WILL: We just wanted to try something a little different. You know, a little... more exciting...
ELLEN: Oh, ok. So Will and Grace think we're boring. Come on, Rob, let's go.
ROB: Actually, honey, you know what? I need to go to the bathroom.
ELLEN: Let's go, Rob! We'll take the stairs.
ROB: Honey, I really...
ELLEN: Let's go, Rob! While we still have some dignity.
SCENE IV: The Elementary School
(KAREN and JACK are waiting outside the office. Karen is sitting as JACK paces.)
KAREN: [SIGHS] Stop fidgeting. What is the matter with you?
JACK: I-I-I thought I could handle being here, but it's too much. Oh, I'm having post-traumatic stress disorder! This was my 'Nam, man!
SECRETARY: [EXITING THE OFFICE] Mrs. Walker? Principal Daley is ready to see you now.
KAREN: [TO JACK] All right, this shouldn't take long. He'll tell me the fat one set something on fire. I'll buy him a new science wing. And bibbity-bobbity-boo! Everybody's happy!
JACK: Karen, don't leave me alone!
KAREN: [ENTERING THE OFFICE] See you soon, McFairyland!
JACK: I can't do this.
[THREE KIDS ENTER THE HALLWAY. JOHN IS CHASING TODD AND CURTIS, WHO HAVE HIS BACKPACK.]
JOHN: Gimme my backpack!
TODD: I don't have it.
JOHN: Come on, give it!
CURTIS: Nyah, nyah, nyah!
JOHN: Come on, please?
TODD: No. This one's better for you. [THROWS KAREN'S PURSE TO JOHN] You can put your makeup in it.
JACK: Hey, hey, hey! Give him his backpack! The purse is mine! [GRABS THE PURSE] This macho bully schoolyard crap is so 1983 I could vomit. Now, scram! [HISSES. THEY RUN.] What's with that hair?
JOHN: [TO JACK] You know, you didn't have to do that. I can take care of myself.
JACK: Oh, I'm sure. I just don't like anyone playing with my purse. Hi, I'm Jack.
JOHN: I'm John.
JACK: Nice to meet you, John. So, what was that all about?
JOHN: Todd and Curtis don't like me.
JACK: Yeah, well, let me tell you a little something about Todd and Curtis, ok? When they grow up, they're gonna be bloated has-beens, with bad shoes and bad marriages. Does that help you?
JOHN: I don't think so. I'm pretty sure they're still gonna try and take my backpack.
JACK: Ok, in that case: pull hair, kick them any place that's soft, and run like hell.
JOHN: I just wish I was better at dodge ball. Then this never would have happened.
JACK: Dodge ball? Who cares about dodge ball? You ever see that on a résumé? "Special skills: Dodge ball." That's about as useful as American history. Besides, there's gotta be other things you're good at, right?
JOHN: Well, I just wrote a play for drama class.
JACK: You're a playwright? I'm a playwright!
JOHN: I wrote a one-man show.
JACK: Shut up! I wrote a one-man show! What's it about?
JOHN: I guess it's about me. [HANDS JACK HIS MANUSCRIPT]
JACK: Well, it doesn't have a title yet.
JOHN: Well, I was thinking maybe... John's Life, or John's Play, or maybe only John.
JACK: [GASPS] Ever thought about Just John!?
JOHN: Just John?
JACK: No, it's more-- No jazz hands-- It's... Just John!
JOHN: Just John!
JACK: Well, it's more from here, and there's a pop: Just John!
JOHN: Just John!
SCENE V: Will's Apartment
(WILL emerges from his bedroom wearing his pajamas and sunglasses, slowly making his way to the kitchen.)
WILL: Oh, oh... Ow, ow... [TRIPS AND FALLS ONTO THE FLOOR] Ow!
[GRACE ENTERS WEARING AN EYE-MASK.]
WILL: [STANDING UP] Holy hangover, Batgirl. How fun was last night?
GRACE: So fun. Naomi and Kai know all the best clubs.
WILL: Yeah. Who'd have thought that after 2 a.m., Tiki Donuts becomes a Latino drag queen bar?
GRACE: I forget... Is "chocolate éclair" the name of a donut, or one of the performers?
WILL: Why are you screaming at me? Yech. [PUTS HIS HEAD IN THE SINK AND RUNS THE WATER]
GRACE: [LOOKING DOWN HER SHIRT] Oh, my god. When did I get my nipple pierced?
WILL: [LOOKING DOWN GRACE'S SHIRT] That's your earring.
GRACE: [PULLING THE RING OUT] Not right. So what time are we hooking up with them tonight?
WILL: Midnight. It's gonna be wild.
GRACE: This whole week has been wild.
WILL: I know. They're crazy.
GRACE: They're fantastic.
WILL: I hate them.
GRACE: Me, too.
SCENE VI: The Elementary School
(JACK and JOHN are still talking while KAREN is in the office.)
JACK: I've been holding on to these fears since I was, like, 8 years old, you know? And it's just like Dr. Schlemmenson says, "Jackie," he calls me Jackie, which I hate, but I'm not getting into that with you. Hello! You're, like, 10! "Jackie, you must meet your demons, head on." And today... I did it. Heh-heh. I did it! Man, I feel good! How are you?
JOHN: Ok... But I think I'm gonna be late for my flute lesson, so I--
KAREN: [EXITING, STILL YELLING INTO THE OFFICE] You call me down to this godforsaken place, to tell me my kids made the honor roll?! Honey, my time is precious! Call me when one of them gives birth at the prom! [TO JOHN] What're you looking at?
JOHN: Your shoes.
KAREN: Hmm. They're good, right? [WINKS AT JOHN. THEN TO JACK] Listen, Jack, all this maternal crap is making me thirsty. Let's go to The Palm for a couple of martoonies. [TO JOHN] You coming?
JOHN: Um, no, I'm gonna be late for my lesson.
KAREN: Suit yourself. But you'll learn a lot more over martinis at The Palm.
JOHN: Hey, Jack. Thanks for your help.
JACK: Same here.
SCENE VII: The Olive Garden
(ROB and ELLEN are sitting at a table drinking wine. WILL and GRACE are watching from the doorway.)
ELLEN: Is it just me. Or does the Olive Garden just keep getting better and better?
ROB: So good, I'm gonna pay the whole check tonight.
ELLEN: We're not splitting it?
ROB: No, ma'am.
ELLEN: That makes me so horny. [ELLEN SLAMS DOWN THE REST OF HER WINE]
WILL: [TO GRACE] Wow, if I wasn't gay before... You sure you want to go through with this?
GRACE: They're friends, Will. Come on.
WILL: All right.
[WILL AND GRACE JOIN ROB AND ELLEN.]
WILL: You know, you're our oldest and dearest friends and we know we-- You deserve better.
GRACE: You do. I-I don't know what we were thinking, 'cause we love you guys.
ELLEN: Ok. We forgive you.
ROB: Water under the bridge, guys.
ELLEN: You know what? Not quite under the bridge, Rob.
ROB: Not so much under.
ELLEN: Ok, there are few things we need to get straight. First of all, no more lies, ok? I would think that after 15 years of friend-- [ELLEN DRONES ON...]
WILL'S VOICE: [TO GRACE] This is gonna last a while, isn't it?
GRACE'S VOICE: [TO WILL] Yeah, but we deserve it.
WILL'S VOICE: Mmm.
GRACE'S VOICE: Oh. Cute guy over there.
WILL'S VOICE: Where?
GRACE'S VOICE: Psych. We're at The Olive Garden, Will.