Original Airdate 9/28/99
Written by Adam Barr
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Shelley Morrison (Rosario McFarland)
Shirley Prestia (Mrs. Pressman)
Lou Cutell (Mr. Arthur Pressman)
Ralph Drischell (Mr. Munitz)
Marjorie Lovett (Mrs. Glasser)
Marshall Manesh (Mr. Zamir)
Lynn Henderson (Nurse)
Alan March (Alan)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
(GUAPO's bird cage is on the table. JACK is talking with GUAPO and WILL is picking up.)
JACK: [TO GUAPO, BABY-TALK] Who was a good boy at the doctor, huh? Who was the pretty bird at the doctor? And who got the pretty doctor's phone number? Yes. [HIGH-PITCHED SINGING] Pretty bird, Pretty bird...
WILL: Jack, I've got a tenants' meeting in 5 minutes. I don't want to have to deal with a lot of shrill squawking, feathers flying, biting, and that bird has gotta go, too.
JACK: [TO GUAPO] Yeah, I'm not too fond of the tie either. Ese tu Guapo. [PICKS UP THE CAGE] Oh, look, Will. I'm flipping you the bird. [HOLDS GUAPO'S CAGE TOWARDS WILL.]
[GRACE ENTERS, WITH HER FACE COVERED IN SOOT.]
JACK: Ah, Grace? A little tip. When you shadow, a good rule of thumb is less is more. Ok? [JACK EXITS WITH GUAPO.]
GRACE: [TO WILL] All I wanted to do was spend a cozy evening at home by myself, so I try to light a fire, and the next thing I know, the entire apartment is full of smoke.
WILL: Did you check the flue?
WILL: Did you use dry wood?
WILL: Did you know that your fireplace has been sealed shut, effectively rendering it nonfunctional?
WILL: Might be your problem.
GRACE: Why is it sealed shut?
WILL: Three years ago, we were bringing the fireplaces up to code and it just got too expensive. So, now some of them work and some of them... [SHRUGS]
GRACE: How come your fireplace works?
WILL: Because I'm sleeping with the president of the tenants' association.
GRACE: That's you.
WILL: Yes, and I'm tender but rough when I need to be.
GRACE: Ok, Mr. Rough-and-Tender, you've got to do something. How can I have a groovy bachelorette make-out pad if I don't have a fire to set the mood?
WILL: Smoke in bed. I have a tenants' meeting. This discussion is closed. Not unlike your fireplace.
GRACE: Wait, wait. Why is this discussion closed? Give me one good reason why.
WILL: Uh, 'cause.
GRACE: I'm gonna need a little more than that.
WILL: Ok. Because.
GRACE: That isn't not fair.
WILL: Life's not fair, Grace. Grow up. [WILL HOLDS OPEN THE DOOR FOR GRACE.]
GRACE: Woah! Did you just tell me to grow up?
WILL: Yes I did. And when you grow up, you'll understand.
[GRACE SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH.]
WILL: What are you doing?
GRACE: You're having a tenant meeting. I'm a tenant with an issue.
WILL: You're a tenant with a lot of issues.
SCENE II: Will's Apartment
(The apartment is filled with building TENANTS, including WILL, GRACE, MRS. PRESSMAN, MR. PRESSMAN, MR. ZAMIR, MRS. GLASSER, and MR. MUNITZ.)
WILL: Ok, all in favor? Opposed? Decided. A shirt must be worn when using the laundry room.
MR. ZAMIR: I just don't under--
WILL: It's over, Mr. Zamir.
MR. ZAMIR: But it's a thousand degrees--
WILL: Mr. Zamir! All right. Carpets being cleaned next week, light bulbs replaced in the stairwell. Anything else? [GRACE RAISES HER HAND. WILL IGNORES HER.] Anybody? [MRS. PRESSMAN RAISES HER HAND.] Mrs. Pressman?
MRS. PRESSMAN: Somebody stole my umbrella.
WILL: Is this a new umbrella, or is this the same umbrella we discussed July 28th, August 28th, and the September 10th special umbrella meeting?
MRS. PRESSMAN: It's very similar to the one Tim Kaiser in 12B has, is all I'm saying.
WILL: Duly noted. [GRACE RAISES HER HAND. WILL IGNORES HER.] Ok, is there anything else? Well, then I move this meeting be adjourned. All in favor?
GRACE: Hello?! My hand has been up for an hour. I'm down 3 ring sizes.
WILL: Grace, no--
GRACE: Thank you. [STANDS UP, ADDRESSING TENANTS] Hi. Grace Adler, 9A. I'd like to talk about fireplaces. As I understand it, some of them work, some of them don't. I'd like to find a way to get them all working.
MRS. GLASSER: I thought none of them worked.
GRACE: Ah! No. Some of them do indeed work. The rest are sealed shut.
MR. PRESSMAN: Do any of them work?
GRACE: [BEAT] That's what I just said. Some of them work, some of them don't.
MRS. PRESSMAN: I'd like a fire, but he won't let me.
MR. PRESSMAN: You want heat, here's an idea: light your mother on fire.
MRS. PRESSMAN: I would like a fireplace.
MR. MUNITZ: Where would we get the wood?
WILL: [TO GRACE] You see what you started? Hey, people, people! Now, listen, we settled this. We could've all had our fireplaces brought to code, but our maintenance fees would've gone up, and I just assumed nobody would want that.
GRACE: Interesting how he made that assumption just after his own fireplace was done. Thank you. Thank you.
WILL: Now, now, now. Now, look. We had just voted an increase to get the lobby floors done, and that's it. That's what we decided on. Trust me. It's what you wanted. Ok? Meeting adjourned.
GRACE: Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! [TO THE TENANTS] Sit, sit, sit! Sit! Sit! [EVERYONE SITS, BUT MR. ZAMIR] Mr. Zamir.
MR. ZAMIR: But I want to--
GRACE: Mr. Za-mir! Are you people noting this arrogance? He's not your president. He's not acting like a president. He's acting like a king. Or in his case--
WILL: All right, Grace, they get the point. All I'm saying is we can't all have fireplaces.
GRACE: See, he's doing it again.
WILL: Ok, you know what? Enough. Everybody wants to go home.
GRACE: We're not done here.
WILL: Oh, we're done here. Good night, everybody. Elections are next week, but since I'm running unopposed again, sign the ballot, don't sign it, whatever you want. Good night.
GRACE: Not so fast. Hey, hey. Hey! [THE TENANTS STOP] I think you are all going to be surprised to see another name on that ballot. [THEY STARE WITH BLANK LOOKS] Me. Me! I'm running for board president.
TENANTS [ALL]: Oh, Oh....
SCENE III: Karen's Penthouse, Help's Quarters
(JACK is playing with his dog, KLAUS VON PUPPY on the bed.)
JACK: Hold still, Klaus Von Puppy. We're assessorizing. [TYING A BANDANA AROUND KLAUS VON PUPPY'S HEAD] Look at you all "street." You're like notorious D.O.G. [RAPPING] I'm the pooch with the cold, wet snout; if you sniff my butt then I'll ask you out. Word to the bitch.
ROSARIO: [ENTERING] I told you to keep that dog off the bed. I made it once today. I don't want to make it again.
JACK: Rosario? A marriage is about compromise and compassion, ok? Maybe you could, oh, I don't know-- pick one.
ROSARIO: Dogs, rapping, strange boys calling in the middle of the night. When I prayed to the Madonna for a husband, maybe I should have been more specific.
JACK: Oh, my god. You pray to Madonna, too?
KAREN: [ENTERING] Jack, sweetie, uh, we need to talk. There's something-- [NOTICES ROSARIO] Oh, hmm, it's you. If I understand our roles correctly, you should be cleaning something, and I should be drinking something. [HANDS ROSARIO HER GLASS] Freshen.
ROSARIO: Drinking at 10:00 in the morning. Where I come from, we have a word for people like you. [ROSARIO EXITS]
KAREN: [SHOUTING TO ROSARIO] Oh, that's funny. We have a word for people like me here, too. It's called "boss." Now, do what I tell you! [TO JACK] Sit down, I need to talk to you. Ok, listen. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. And sometimes bad things happen to you.
JACK: I'm not following.
KAREN: Oh, screw it. Bird is gone.
JACK: Guapo? Something happened to Guapo? [LIFTS THE COVER OFF THE BIRD CAGE. IT'S EMPTY!] Ahh! [GASPS]
KAREN: I opened the window to yell at somebody on the street for wearing palazzo pants, and... before I could say "Hey, loser," Bird took off.
JACK: You mean... [LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW] Oh, my God. [SOBBING] That bird was my life. We've been through everything. When Steve dumped me, Guapo was there. When Raul dumped me, Guapo was there. Mike, Dan, Tom... Guapo, Guapo, Guapo... There, there, there.
KAREN: Oh, honey, what can I do? Do you want another bird?
JACK: No! How can you even ask me that? If my grandmother died, would you bring me another racist dowager with a purse full of diabetic candy? I don't think so. [CRYING] Guapo was my baby.
KAREN: Oh, Jack.
JACK: [CRYING] No, leave me alone.
KAREN: Oh, you know, uh, when I get depressed, nothing perks me up like a little spending spree. Come on, honey. Let's go shopping.
JACK: I don't want to.
KAREN: We'll go to Barney's.
JACK: It won't help.
KAREN: We'll skip the sale rack.
JACK: [LOOKING UP] I don't know.
KAREN: I'll let you French kiss me in the elevator.
JACK: Well, maybe just an hour.
KAREN: Come on, come on. Now, get yourself together. I'm going to give Driver a B-12 shot.
KAREN: Ok. [KAREN RUNS OUT]
[JACK LOOKS AT THE WINDOW AND SEES SOMETHING. HE OPENS THE BLINDS AND GUAPO IS SITTING ON THE WINDOW SILL.]
KAREN: [OFF-SCREEN, YELLING TO JACK] Oh, what the hell, honey, while we're out, maybe I'll buy you a new Rolex.
JACK: Coming! [DROPS THE BLIND AND RUNS OUT]
SCENE VI: WILL's Apartment Building, The Lobby.
(WILL is waiting for the elevator.)
[ELEVATOR BELL RINGS. WILL ENTERS.]
GRACE: [RUNNING TOWARDS THE ELEVATOR, CARRYING A BOX] Wait, hold the door! Hold the door, hold the door! [SHE DROPS THE BOX INTO THE ELEVATOR, AND BENDS DOWN TO PICK IT UP. HER BUTT GETS CAUGHT IN THE DOOR, WHICH REPEATEDLY OPENS AND CLOSES ON IT.] Oh, god--ow. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
WILL: Grace! [PULLS GRACE INTO THE ELEVATOR]
[CUT TO INSIDE OF ELEVATOR]
WILL: [READING GRACE'S FLYER FROM THE BOX] "Vote for Grace, win the race." That's cute. Shouldn't the rhyme go more like, "Vote for Grace, she just wants to get it on in front of a fireplace"?
GRACE: Oh, Will, ha. I am so far beyond the fireplace. I'm doing this because your arrogance is off the charts. And someone's gotta bring you down a peg.
WILL: And that someone is you? [FRENCH ACCENT] Allow me to turn up my nose and laugh French-like at you. [SNOOTY LAUGHTER] Ho ho ho ho...
GRACE: Will, you can't win all the time.
WILL: Really, I can't? 'Cause it seems like I have my whole life. Sorry. I saw how much you enjoyed that the first time. [SNOOTY LAUGHTER] Ho ho ho ho...
[ELEVATOR BELL RINGS. WILL AND GRACE EXIT THE ELEVATOR ON THE 9TH FLOOR, OUTSIDE THEIR APARTMENTS.]
GRACE: Laugh all you want, Gerard De-par-doo-doo. 'Cause when they tally the votes, the person who laughs last is gonna be... the last person laughing. Don't act like that didn't make sense.
WILL: Grace... Look, I don't want to play these games with you. The tenants love me. Face it, you don't stand a chance. [MRS. PRESSMAN WALKS DOWN THE HALL] Hi, Mrs. Pressman.
MRS. PRESMAN: Save it, Will Truman. I'm voting for Grace. She told me how you've been eating my Fruit of the Month.
WILL: Wait, what? I-I-I ate a Japanese pear. Once. And you were in Boca.
MRS. PRESSMAN: Thief. You're a thief. I'm voting for Grace. [MRS. PRESSMAN EXITS INTO THE ELEVATOR]
WILL: Nice, Grace. You're smearing my name with the tenants?
GRACE: She asked me what time it was, and it just came up.
WILL: I think these tactics are pathetic.
GRACE: Yeah? Well, all is fair in love and war. [SNOOTY LAUGHTER] Ho ho ho ho...
SCENE V: Karen's Penthouse, The Help's Quarters
(KAREN and JACK enter, carrying shopping bags)
KAREN: That shopping spree helped a little bit. Didn't it, poodle?
JACK: I guess.
KAREN: Oh, come on. I saw you crack a smile when I had that salesgirl fired. [IMITATING THE SALES GIRL] "Oh, but I've got 6 children, and my husband just left me!" Come on. I saw you, you little devil.
JACK: Oh, look at Guapo's cage. It's so empty. Like my heart.
KAREN: Keep your chin up. Tomorrow we'll talk travel. Oh! Say, have you done Greece? Oh, wait a minute. Of course you done Greece. No, we'll think of something. [KAREN EXITS.]
[JACK PULLS OUT HIS NEW ROLEX AND BEGINS DANCING AND SINGING]
JACK: [SINGING] Liv-ing in a material world, materia-al, in a material world and I am a materia-- [GUAPO IS SITTING ON THE WINDOW SILL] You again? Oh, my god, I'm Tippi Hedren. Get out of here. Go! Shoo! Shoo, shoo, shoes. That's what I can get tomorrow. I am rather fond of the new Gucci mule. Oh, wait a minute. What am I saying? You're my Guapo. You're my baby. Come here, Guapo. Yes. [GUAPO HOPS UP ONTO JACK'S ARM] Up, Guapatito. Now look at me. Am I the sort of man that would give up his precious little baby for a $10,000 watch? [JACK LOOKS AT THE WATCH, THEN GUAPO. THE WATCH. GUAPO.] No. [BEAT] Guapo, the closet's not that bad. [JACK PUTS GUAPO INTO THE CLOSET] Will was in there for 20 years.
SCENE VI: Will's Apartment Building, The Hallway
(MRS. CARL WALKS DOWN THE HALLWAY, GRACE AND WILL BOTH CHASE AFTER HER. GRACE HAS A TRAY OF LEMON SQUARES. WILL HAS A BOX OF FLASHLIGHTS.)
GRACE: Mrs. Carl, lemon square?
WILL: How about a flashlight? [GRACE GASPS]
GRACE: [TO MRS. CARL] They're yummy!
WILL: [TO MRS. CARL] They're practical.
GRACE: Vote for me!
WILL: Vote for experience. I've been doing--
[MRS. CARL RUNS PAST THEM INTO THE ELEVATOR.]
GRACE: [TO WILL] Thought you had nothing to worry about... Frenchie.
WILL: That's Mr. French to you.
[WILL SHINES THE FLASHLIGHT INTO GRACE'S EYE.]
GRACE: Oh... my eye...
WILL: Gracie, are you ok?
[GRACE SMEARS A LEMON SQUARE INTO WILL'S FACE.]
SCENE VII: Karen's Penthouse, The Help's Quarters
(JACK IS ON THE BED, WITH HIS FEET IN THE AIR.)
JACK: [SINGING, AS WITH GUAPO EARLIER] Pretty shoes, Pretty shoes. Who's the pretty pair of Prada slip-ons? Oh, you are. Yes, you are.
KAREN: [ENTERING] Honey, I don't feel right.
JACK: ["SOBBING"] Oh, Guapo!
KAREN: I just--I just feel terrible about the last few days. Trying to make up for the loss of a pet by buying you stupid little gifts.
JACK: No, the gifts aren't stupid. The gifts help.
KAREN: No, honey, it's wrong. In fact, it's--it's just insulting. There's only one thing I can give you that has real value...
JACK: Your love?
KAREN: A boat! Ha ha ha! Whew! [HANDS JACK A SET OF KEYS.]
JACK: Oh my god, Karen. I don't know what to say.
KAREN: Say "thank you, Karen." Thank you for a boat with a mahogany deck, a cruising speed of 40 knots, and a staff of cabin boys who are either gay or questioning.
JACK: Oh, my god. It's... one out of every 10 man's dream. I've never... Nobody's ever, um... You know, I don't... Oh, god, Karen, I can't keep it up! I've been lying to you this whole time.
KAREN: I know.
JACK: Guapo's in the closet right-- [GUAPO SQUAWKS] Wait a minute, you know? How?
KAREN: Poor naive Jack. You really think there's an inch of this place that I can't see on video? [POINTING] There, there, there... [POINTING TO A STATUE, WHISPERING] And there.
JACK: Oh, my god, Karen. I don't know what to say.
KAREN: Say "hi" to Stan.
JACK: [WAVING TO STATUE] Hello, Mr. Walker. [TO KAREN] So, I guess I should give you the keys back.
KAREN: No, keep 'em. They're to Grace's office. Go ahead, help yourself. Take whatever you want.
JACK: Well, I'm so ashamed, Karen. I'm so sorry.
KAREN: Oh, it's ok. A part of me is angry, but a part of me is proud. The rest of me is just drunk. Ha ha!
JACK: Wait a minute. If you've got cameras everywhere, does that mean you've seen--
KAREN: Yes, I have, honey. And good for you.
SCENE VIII: Will's Apartment
(GRACE is standing before the TENANTS, wearing a "Vote for Grace Adler" sandwich board, giving a speech.)
GRACE: [POINTING TO THE HER NAME] "L." "L" stands for loyalty. That's what Grace Adler is all about. "E." "E" stands for no more smells in the el-evator. "R"--responsibility. So, in conclusion--
MRS. PRESSMAN: [NUDGING MR. PRESSMAN] Arthur, wake up. She's concluding.
GRACE: Pick...a winner. Pick change. Pick me. [BEAT] Pick pick pick pick pick pick!
[THE TENANTS APPLAUD. GRACE STEPS ASIDE. WILL STANDS BEFORE THE TENANTS TO MAKE HIS SPEECH.]
WILL: Change...is bad. Vote for me. [THE TENANTS APPLAUD.]
MRS. PRESSMAN: Ok, everyone, fill out your ballots.
[WILL AND GRACE WAIT IN THE KITCHEN WHILE THE TENANTS VOTE.]
GRACE: [TO WILL] Nice artwork, by the way.
WILL: What are you talking about?
GRACE: My poster in the elevator. You blacked out my teeth, gave me a mustache, horns, an arrow through the head. Real mature.
WILL: [SNORTS AND LAUGHS]
WILL: All I did was the teeth. [LAUGHS]
GRACE: You're just afraid you're gonna lose.
WILL: Oh, why don't you choke down another tainted lemon square.
GRACE: Flashlight lawyer liar.
WILL: You're a mess.
MRS. PRESSMAN: Ok, everyone, attention. Accounting the absentee votes, it looks like 18 for Grace--
MRS. PRESSMAN: And 18 for Will.
GRACE: No! What is wrong with you people?! I had buttons and posters! And baked goods.
ALAN: That's only 36. Who didn't vote?
GRACE: Wait, I didn't vote. I win.
WILL: W-w-wait, you voted, you banana.
MRS. GLASSER: Mr. Munitz. I forgot. He's in St. Luke's Hospital for a hernia operation.
MR. ZAMIR: What are you going to do? Is anybody else hot in here? [BEGINS TO UNBUTTON HIS SHIRT]
WILL: Mr. Zamir! I guess we'll just have to wait till he gets out.
GRACE: I guess so.
SCENE IX: The Hospital
(WILL and GRACE are fighting to get past each other through the door to MR. MUNITZ' ROOM. MR. MUNITZ is sleeping.)
WILL: Telling the nurse that you're his daughter. That's beyond contemptible.
NURSE: [WALKING PAST THE DOOR] Oh, Rabbi Truman. I'm glad you found him.
[GRACE GLARES AT WILL.]
GRACE: Mr. Munitz? It's me, Grace Adler. I'm running for board president. Why? Good question. "G" is for good government. "R" is for redecorating. "A" is for--
WILL: "A" is for you're making an ass of yourself. The man's unconscious. He doesn't want to hear your campaign promises. Particularly since I've been doing such a good job for 4 years. [TO MR. MUNITZ] Squeeze my hand if you agree. [GRABS MR. MUNITZ' HAND]
MR. MUNITZ: [MOANING]
GRACE: Shh. Wait, he's waking up. Mr. Munitz? Hi, hi, you're looking really good, by the way.
WILL: We need your vote for board president. Who do you want? Will Truman, who's served you faithfully for 4 years, or Grace Adler, who blames you for the smell in the elevator?
GRACE: Uh, wait, you know what? This just isn't fair. The man is heavily medicated and--
MR. MUNITZ: I like Grace.
GRACE: Yes! Yes! [SINGING] I win, you lose, I win I win, you lose you lose, I win, you lose, you lose. Yay, me! Second verse, same as the first. [SINGING] I win, you--
WILL: All right, all right! All right, all right. Put your pompoms down, Tiffani-Amber-Annoying. I concede.
GRACE: Hmm, you lose.
WILL: [WHISPERING] Yeah, all right, I lose.
GRACE: You lose. "I love lose-ey." How's it feel?
WILL: Not so good.
GRACE: Oh, how the arrogant have fallen. [SNOOTY LAUGHTER] Ho ho ho ho....
WILL: Especially when I think of all I'm losing. Like waking up at 5 a.m. tomorrow to let the gas guy in. Or next week's meeting with the city building inspector, a man who's never met a clove of garlic he didn't like. Or, dealing with one of a thousand niggling little problems 24 hours a day from 36 neurotic tenants.
GRACE: Wait, that doesn't sound very fun.
WILL: Oh, it's not. When I think of it that way, suddenly losing feels a whole lot like winning. Thank you, Grace. Thank you for teaching me this valuable lesson. [SING-SONG] See ya!
SCENE X: Grace's Apartment
(GRACE is wearing her pajamas, surrounded by the TENANTS, who are all speaking at once.)
GRACE: Quiet. Quiet. Quiet! Ok, let's just take a breath, ok? And then... Speak one at a time. Thank you.
[THE TENANTS BEGIN SPEAKING ALL AT ONCE.]
[WILL WALKS BUY SMILING AND GIVES GRACE A THUMBS UP. GRACE SITS DOWN, SIGHING.]