Original Airdate 5/6/99
Written by Jhoni Marchinko & Alex Herschlag
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Tom Gallop (Rob)
Leigh-Allyn Baker (Ellen)
John Capodice (Workman, Bernie)
Lucky Vanous (EMS Worker)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
(WILL, GRACE, ROB, and ELLEN are playing Charades.)
GRACE: Book...4 words...whole idea. A Farewell to Arms!
WILL: Yes. A movie...uh, 3 words...whole thing. The Crying Game.
GRACE: Yes! We got one! Yay!
WILL AND GRACE [BOTH]: Whoo, whoo, ha!
WILL: Ok, your turn.
ROB: You know what? You guys are up by a lot.
ELLEN: Yeah, maybe we should just switch--
GRACE: No. Don't even. Play.
WILL: That's Grace-speak for "good luck." Ok, and....time.
ROB: Ok, uh, uh, uh, uh.
ELLEN: It's a movie.
ROB: Yeah. Uh...
ELLEN: It's one word.
ROB: Ok. Um...
ELLEN: First word.
ROB: Ok. Uh...Grr!
GRACE: I know. I know this one.
ROB: Whoa! Whoa!
ELLEN: Looney tunes. Um...
ELLEN: Maniac? Seizure.
GRACE: Oh, come on!
ELLEN: I'm not having fun. Yeah, um, I give up.
GRACE: You give up?
GRACE: That was so easy. It's Psycho. You know what you should have done? This is what you should have done. "Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee!" Will, you would have gotten that, right?
WILL: Says Psycho to me.
GRACE: See? Why'd you give up so fast?
ELLEN: Because--because we have a really big day, and, um, we have to go.
ROB: Honey, we're right in the middle of a game.
ELLEN: Big day, Rob!
ROB: Oh, right. Oh, right. Tomorrow is the big day. I wish it were a small day, but it's--it's not. It's just big.
WILL: That would make it big Wednesday.
ELLEN: Ha ha ha. I want to go.
GRACE: Ok, well, bye.
ELLEN: It was...Hey, it was really fun.
GRACE: Yeah. Good seeing you.
ELLEN: Yeah, really good seeing you.
GRACE: Really, really good seeing you.
ELLEN: Ok, Grace, you win.
[ROB AND ELLEN EXIT.]
WILL: So what's with Rob and Ellen?
GRACE: I think they felt bad about losing.
WILL: I wish they wouldn't take it so seriously.
GRACE: Yeah, it's just a friendly game.
WILL: Yeah. We kicked their asses, though.
GRACE: Like the dogs they are.
SCENE II: Grace's Office
(KAREN is at her desk. A workman, BERNIE, is fixing the radiator.)
BERNIE: Uh, so, uh, what kind of work do you do here?
KAREN: Honey, [POINTING TO HER BLOUSE] Silk collar... [POINTING TO BERNIE] Blue collar. They don't even mix in the washing machine.
BERNIE: Uh, lady, I'm only trying to make polite conversation here.
KAREN: Buh, buh, buh, buh, fix the heat. Our relationship is already too involved. Next thing I know, I'm gonna be getting Christmas postcards from you and your red-eyed brood.
JACK: [ENTERING] Hi, Kare. Oh, well, look at that. Butt crack theater. Let's just hope it's a one-act. Kare, I need to borrow $300. I want to be the first one in my prayer circle to have the new Birkenstock slip-ons.
KAREN: Yeah, well, keep praying, Mary, 'cause you're not getting it from me.
JACK: Qu'est que c'est Jack deny? What's going on with you? Did someone throw another bucket of blood on one of your furs? I'm gonna... [CLENCHES HIS FIST]
KAREN: No, honey, I...I had a near-death experience last night.
JACK: Wow! Did you see God? Is she mad at me?
KAREN: Come on, Jack, this is serious! [SPRAYS PERFUME ON BERNIE WHILE HE'S BENT OVER] I was at The Palm last night with Stan, and he started choking on his rack of lamb. Well, my first instinct was to watch it play out, but... He was really attracting attention, so...
JACK: Oh, my god. Is he ok?
KAREN: Oh, yeah, he's fine. Javier the busboy gave him the Heimlich. Gosh, I should probably get him something as a thank-you. Maybe the rest of his family from Cuba.
JACK: My god, Karen, that's awful. I mean, to watch your husband almost choke to death right in front of your very eyes. Sidebar--that outfit is fabiola.
KAREN: Isn't it? I got it in 3 colors. Oh, honey, it was a wake-up call. I don't know what I would do without Stan. I mean, what is the combination to the wall safe? Where is the key to the safety deposit box? What if he did something stupid and left all of our money to some school or something? I mean, look at me. I'm still shaking.
BERNIE: My cousin Rosie once choked on a piece of sausage bread.
KAREN: Oh, that's lovely. You should remember that and tell it at dinner parties. [TO JACK] Oh, I am so on edge.
JACK: Well, Karen, if you had invited me to dinner, which you didn't, thank you very much, busy anyway... I could have saved Stan's life. I know CPR.
KAREN: You know CPR?
JACK: Oh, yeah. I had to do it on my father when I told him I was gay... Only I think it just confused him even more.
SCENE III: Will's Office
(ROB and ELLEN are visiting WILL at work.)
WILL: What brings you guys here?
ROB: Well, we were, uh, having lunch around the corner and we thought we'd stop by.
ELLEN: A little bit of bad news. Uh... We're not going to be able to make it to dinner tonight.
WILL: You're kidding. How come?
ELLEN: Well, it's just-- I have a-- We have to--
ROB: Say it.
ELLEN: When we play with you guys, I don't have fun.
ROB: She doesn't have fun, Will.
WILL: Why not? I mean, they're just friendly little games.
ROB: No, no. Bare-knuckle boxing is a friendly little game. Charades is a vicious blood sport for Grace.
ELLEN: Yeah, I mean, we love hanging out with you guys, but when it comes to games, you know, she's too intense. When we played Pictionary last week, she laughed so hard at my drawings, I cried on the way home.
ROB: She cried on the way home, Will.
WILL: That's just Grace showing enthusiasm. I mean, everybody gets that way when they're winning, don't they?
ROB: We wouldn't know, Will.
WILL: I'll talk to her. Ok? Come to dinner, and worse comes to worse, we don't have to play a game. You know, we can-- we can watch TV or something. Charleton Heston's on Leno tonight. You can watch Moses extol the virtues of semi-automatic weapons.
SCENE IV: Will's Apartment
(GRACE is in the kitchen. ROB and ELLEN are on the couch.)
ELLEN: So, uh, did you talk to Will today?
GRACE: Oh, he left a couple of messages for me, but I--I couldn't return his call 'cause... guess where I was.
GRACE: I was at... Actually...let me tell you this way.
ROB AND ELLEN [TOGETHER]: 3 words. First word. Small word.
ROB AND ELLEN [TOGETHER]: A? A?
ROB AND ELLEN [TOGETHER]: If? In?
ROB AND ELLEN [TOGETHER]: In?
ROB AND ELLEN [TOGETHER]: Ick? Ill? Is?
ROB AND ELLEN [TOGETHER]: Is?
ROB AND ELLEN [TOGETHER]: Im? Be?
GRACE: Ha ha. Aah! Ok, all right. Let me give you a little hint. Um...it's the single most common word in the...English language. And I just used it twice.
GRACE: The! The first word is The! Ok. Ha ha. Second word.
ROB: Grace, I beg you, please just tell us.
ELLEN: Yeah, use your words, Grace.
GRACE: Ok. I went to the toy store.
GRACE: And I got the new Deluxe Scrabble! We can play, like--like, a marathon game. What do you think of that?
ELLEN: I think you should return your damn phone calls.
ROB: Take it easy, honey.
ELLEN: I'm sorry.
WILL: Hey, what's going on?
ELLEN: Well, Grace is making dinner, and she just bought Deluxe Scrabble.
WILL: She bought a game, Will.
WILL: I see.
WILL: Well, I'm--I'm just going to fix myself a deluxe drink. And then we'll have a long, leisurely dinner and see if we even get to Scrabble.
GRACE: Oh, we'll get to it. [SOTTO, TO WILL] Today, I found a couple of words that are worth a ton, and they're each only 4 letters.
WILL: Well, I'm guessing Rob and Ellen are thinking of a couple choice 4-letter words of their own right now.
GRACE: [SOTTO, TO WILL] It doesn't matter. We're going to gut them like fish.
WILL: Grace, I don't think we should play a game.
GRACE: Why not?
WILL: You get a little too competitive.
GRACE: No, I don't.
WILL: Yes, you do.
GRACE: No, I don't.
WILL: Yes, you do.
GRACE: No, I don't.
WILL: Ok, see, I'm stopping. You see? When you play games, you just--you can't control yourself. And it's--it's upsetting our friends.
GRACE: Oh, is that true?
ELLEN: Oh, Grace, you are such a dear friend, but... [BEAT] Rob?
ROB: We don't really like playing games with you.
ELLEN: It's nothing personal, but you taunt.
ROB: And you gloat.
ELLEN: And you're aggressive. God, you're just so competitive.
ROB: You like to compete, Grace.
GRACE: Wait a minute. Wait, wait. Why is this all on me? What about Will?
WILL: What do you mean, "What about Will"?
GRACE: You're just as competitive as I am.
WILL: No, I'm not.
GRACE: Yes, you are.
WILL: No, I'm not.
GRACE: Yes, you are.
WILL: Ok, wait, wait! Now, I like to win just as much as the next guy, but at least I know how to control myself.
GRACE: Oh, oh, and I don't? Is that it? Ha ha ha. [LOOKING AT ROB AND ELLEN, WHO AREN'T LAUGHING] I see. Well, if no one wants to play with me, then I'm just going to go to my room and play with myself. [BEAT] By myself. I meant by myself.
SCENE V: Grace's Office
(JACK is helping KAREN with a CPR dummy.)
KAREN: [SHAKING CPR DUMMY] Katie, Katie! Are you ok?
JACK: No, no, no, Kare, her name is Annie. Resuscit-Annie. Or in a perfect world, Resuscit-Andy. Ha ha!
KAREN: Honey, I can't remember my kids' names, ok? What's going on? What do I do? How do I bring it to life? Oh, wait. That sounds like me on my wedding night. Uh-ha-ha. Ha ha.
JACK: Ok, Karen, focus, all right? Here's a little acronym that will help you: C-T-A-P-T-N-T-T-H-A-B-M-T-M.
KAREN: Here's a little acronym for you, honey: What the hell are you talking about?
JACK: C-T-A: Check the airway. P-T-N--Good--Pinch the nose. T-T-H: Tilt the head. A-B-M-T-M: And begin mouth-to-mouth. [SING-SONG] C-T-A-P-T-N-T-T-H-A-B-M-T-M.
KAREN: Hey. Honey, honey, I'm not putting my mouth on this thing. Who knows what those paramedics use these dolls for while they're sitting around waiting for a fire. Besides these lips don't touch anything in a track suit.
JACK: Karen, even fashion victims can be choking victims.
KAREN: Are you sure? Maybe it's nature's way of thinning out the herd.
JACK: Don't say that. Every human life has value.
JACK AND KAREN: [LAUGHING] Ha ha ha ha ha!
JACK: Come on, just do it. Do it. Come on.
KAREN: Oh, all right, all right.
SCENE VI: Bowling Alley
(WILL, GRACE, ELLEN, ROB are bowling.)
WILL: Oh, yeah! Will Truman is...Lord of the Lanes.
GRACE: Ok, Ellen, your turn.
ROB: Come on, honey.
ELLEN: Don't psych me out, Rob.
[ELLEN BOWLS A STRIKE.]
ROB: Yay, baby!
GRACE: Way to go, Miss Ellen! Ha ha hoo! That was great!
WILL: Gracie, you're up.
ELLEN: Yeah, go, Grace.
WILL: And remember, only Grace can put the Grace in gracious, or something like that. Go on! Come on, Grace. Do that thing. And... [GRACE BOWLS...] There she goes! There she goes. There...she went. Wh-wh-what was that?
GRACE: I knocked 2 pins down.
WILL: I know, and you left 8 standing. This isn't golf. We want high numbers, is what you want.
GRACE: I know, but look at me, Will, I'm fine. I suck! But I'm fine with it. This must be what it feels like to be my middle sister.
WILL: I'm glad you got that out of your system, but the thing is, you're actually the baby daughter looking for daddy's approval. How about picking up the spare? Ok. Pick up the spare!
GRACE: How about that? [BEAT] Three.
WILL: This is like bowlers anonymous--One pin at a time.
ELLEN: Hey, Grace. You are doing great, baby. Loving the new you!
GRACE: They're loving the new me.
WILL: Loving the new you.
ELLEN: [SOTTO, TO ROB] We could actually win this.
SCENE VII: Grace's Office
(BERNIE is working on the radiator. KAREN is at her desk, getting ready to go home.)
BERNIE: Ok, lady, I'm almost done here.
KAREN: Ah...enough with the "lady," all right? I'm not an Irish setter.
[KAREN EXITS TO THE FOYER, AND PRESSES THE ELEVATOR BUTTON. SHE HEARS A RATTLE.]
BERNIE: [OFF SCREEN] Aah!
KAREN: [TO BERNIE, OFF SCREEN] Oh, honey, no. Why are you grabbing your heart like that? Come on, no, no, no. I'm sure it's just a stress thing. Yeah. It'll go away. Just walk it off. There we go. See? Yeah, you're getting better now.
BERNIE: [OFF SCREEN] Oh! [GASPS, THEN FALLS WITH A THUMP]
KAREN: Uh-oh. Oh...lord. Uh--uh-- [YELLING DOWN THE ELEVATOR SHAFT] Help me! Help me! I've got a beached Italian in my office! Oh, criminy! Ok. [CLEARS THROAT.]
[KAREN ENTERS THE OFFICE, BERNIE IS LAYING ON THE FLOOR BY GRACE'S DESK.]
KAREN: [CLEARS THROAT NERVOUSLY] Bernie, Bernie, are you ok? Oh... Thank God there are no security cameras in here to catch this. Damn it! [BENDS DOWN]
[LATER... AN EMS PARAMEDIC HAS ARRIVED AND TALKS WITH KAREN.]
PARAMEDIC: You should be proud of yourself, ma'am. You saved a life.
KAREN: Oh, well, as I always say, every human life has value. Heh heh heh. Well, it was nothing, really. Just giving the breath of life... [UNBUTTONS HER JACKET] And these puppies are full of life!
PARAMEDIC: Well, you, uh, did a good job, ma'am.
KAREN: Oh, well, thank you. That's sweet.
PARAMEDIC: Well, I'll see you.
KAREN: Oh, but--but, uh, I'm not really sure I was doing it correctly. I don't suppose that maybe you'd walk me through it. I want it to be perfect.
PARAMEDIC: Oh, certainly. That's my job.
KAREN: Oh, well, great! Let me just, uh, be your dummy. [JUMPS ONTO GRACE'S DESK AND LAYS DOWN]
JACK: [ENTERING] Karen, congratulations--oucha magoucha! [TO PARAMEDIC] How you doing?
KAREN: Honey, do you think you could give Dr. Goodbody and I a few more minutes?
JACK: You know, I'd love to, but Stan, your husband-- you remember Stan your husband. He's down in the car... [PUSHES KAREN OFF THE TABLE] With the kids and the nanny and the goiter.
KAREN: His mother's here?! Oh, damn it! I gotta go before Stan invites her to stay for the weekend.
JACK: Take care. [TO PARAMEDIC] Hi. I'm Jack. I'm her CPR instructor. But I'm not quite sure I'm getting it. [JUMPS ONTO GRACE'S DESK AND LAYS DOWN] I'll be your doll, Resuscit-Jack.
SCENE VIII: Bowling Alley
(WILL, GRACE, ELLEN, ROB are still bowling.)
ELLEN: Strike! I got a strike!
ROB: Oh! We dominate! We dominate!
ELLEN: 4 words! Sounds like, we're kicking your ass!
ROB: Boom! Oh!
ROB AND ELLEN: [DOING WILL AND GRACE'S VICTORY DANCE] Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! [ROB'S BUMP KNOCKS ELLEN DOWN TO THE FLOOR.]
ROB: Oh, God, I'm sorry!
ELLEN: I'm fine. I'm fine.
ROB: Cool-- Hold it--
ROB AND ELLEN: [TOGETHER, FINISHING THE VICTORY DANCE] Hoo!
GRACE: Ellen, you're doing great! She's bowling so great! Wasn't that great, Will?
ELLEN: Ok, you're up, Grace. Now's your chance to tie us...if you knock down 27 pins.
ROB: And there's only 10 down there.
ELLEN: Yeah. Honey, that was the joke.
WILL: Ok, now, listen. Losing gracefully is good. Winning gracefully, much better!
GRACE: Lighten up, honey. It's just a game.
WILL: Yeah. I know it's just a game. Yeah, the neon wackiness tells me that. Ok.
[GRACE DROPS HER BALL INSTEAD OF THROWING IT.]
WILL: What are you doing?
GRACE: I wanted to see if the ball would make it all the way down if I just dropped it.
WILL: Ok, I'm gonna call it. Time of death--7:48. That's a good one, Grace. Good.
GRACE: Hmm, thought it would make it. Ok, uh, ice cream? Ice cream?
ELLEN: Oh, yeah.
ROB: Yeah, great.
[GRACE RUNS OFF TO GET ICE CREAM. WILL FOLLOWS.]
WILL: Excuse me. Hey, hey, hey. Hey! Hey! Hey! What are you doing?
GRACE: I'm getting ice cream.
WILL: Yeah, yeah. Good Humor lady, what's going on?
GRACE: I'm having fun?
WILL: You don't have to lose to have fun, Grace. You're not France.
GRACE: Honey, I don't need to win.
WILL: We're losing... to Rob and Ellen. Rob and Ellen! We've never lost to them in anything!
GRACE: Well, maybe, it's their turn to win.
WILL: It's never their turn. They don't win. They lose. That's why we love them. It's the whole basis of our friendship. Yeah. We get together, we have pleasant little evenings of games, and then we... gut them like a fish!
GRACE: Aha! Nailed!
WILL: I'm not nailed.
GRACE: Totally nailed!
GRACE: You...You can't control your competitive nature any more than I can.
WILL: That is--
GRACE: Yes. You--you just like to play the cool Will Truman, while I'm the all the intense crazy one. But once the bowling shoe is on the other foot, look who's the good cop and look who's the bad cop.
WILL: That is the worst mixed metaphor you have ever uttered.
GRACE: You know I'm right. You're just as competitive as I am, and you can't control it any more than I can.
WILL: Not true.
WILL: Not true.
WILL: Not true.
WILL: Ok, fine! I admit it. We're the same woman, ok?
GRACE: I'm gonna need a little more.
WILL: You're right. I'm just as competitive as you are. I love it when you're obnoxious. It unnerves our foes, and it satisfies my lust for victory. Ok, you happy?
GRACE: Yeah. Thank you.
WILL: Good. Could we get out there and try to win this thing?
GRACE: Absolutely. Oh, oh, and by the way, once you let Jeannie out of the bottle, there's no way she's going back to that little circle couch. So you're sure?
ELLEN: Come on, let's go. Losers are buying drinks, and I got a winner's thirst.
ROB: She's got a winner's thirst, Will.
WILL: Oh, I'm sure. Make 'em cry.
GRACE: Gladly. This good sportsmanship crap has been making me sick.
[THE THEME FROM CHARIOTS OF FIRE PLAYS AS GRACE BOWLS. GRACE BOWLS A STRIKE. WILL AND GRACE DO THEIR VICTORY DANCE, TAUNTING ROB AND ELLEN AS THEY FALL DOWN.]