Original Airdate 4/29/99
Written by Jhoni Marchinko
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Miguel Ferrer (Nathan Berry)
John Balmer (Waiter)
Tiffany Fraser (Assistant #1)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
(WILL is having a bowl of cereal for breakfast, while GRACE is getting dressed.)
GRACE: Ok, what do you think of this? What do you think of this outfit?
WILL: It's fine.
GRACE: Fine means crap.
WILL: It's good.
GRACE: Good means fine.
WILL: Well, if good means fine and fine means crap, doesn't that mean that good means crap?
GRACE: The most important interview of my career, and you're doing little word puzzlies? I'm changing.
WILL: [TO HIS BOX OF LUCKY CHARMS CEREAL, WITH AN IRISH ACCENT] You don't freak out about your outfits, do you, little leprechaun?
JACK: [ENTERING, HOLDING A NEWSPAPER IN FRONT OF HIS FACE] Headline! I'm in love.
WILL: I must've missed that headline. Then again, I don't read the farm report.
JACK: His name is Ramon. Thank you for asking. He's from the Dominican Republic. That's on the island of Hispaņola. I'm loving and learning at the same time.
WILL: I'm listening and not caring at the same time.
JACK: Poor, poor jealous you, stuck inside the nunnery while all the other girls run around in their miniskirts and take the Pill. How do you solve a problem like Will Truman? [GRACE ENTERS, WEARING A NEW OUTFIT] Oh, look, it's Mother Inferior.
GRACE: Ok, I need shoe help. This one says I'm confident and capable. This one says I spend way too much money on shoes and I'm worth it. What do you think?
WILL: Let me see the other one. Now the other. The other. Now the other. Now add the arms.
WILL AND JACK: [SINGING] Sunshine and rain and sunshine and rain...
GRACE: Ok, I'm not auditioning for the road company of Babes in Boyland. This is my chance to design Nathan Berry's house.
JACK: The publicist? That man ruined my career!
WILL: Wait, wait, wait. You had a career, and you didn't tell me?
JACK: I sent him a flyer to Just Jack. But did he come to Just Jack, where he would have been comped and given a drink coupon? [SCOFFS] No.
GRACE: Three people saw Just Jack. Two of them were "just us."
WILL: Sweetie, come on. Calm down. You look great. You are great. You can get this. All you have to do is figure out the one thing that you can bring to the table that nobody else can. And then you just do whatever you have to do to close the deal. Ok? [MWAH] You go out there, and you knock 'em dead.
[WILL PUSHES GRACE OUT THE DOOR WITH A PAT ON THE BOTTOM.]
WILL: [SIGHS] Our little girl's going out to face the world.
JACK: With two different colored shoes on.
WILL: [RUNNING AFTER GRACE] Grace!
SCENE II: Nathan Berry's House
(GRACE and KAREN are waiting with four other designers. KAREN is reading a magazine while GRACE fidgets nervously. NATHAN BERRY opens his door.)
[TWO OF THE DESIGNERS ENTER NATHAN'S OFFICE.]
GRACE: I want this job. I can get it. I can get it.
KAREN: Oh, look. Donna Karan's got a new fragrance. [SMELLS THE MAGAZINE] Oops. Missed again, Donna. D-K-P-U.
[THE DOOR OPENS, AND THE TWO DESIGNERS EXIT, CRYING.]
GRACE: Wow. She must have opened with "What about wicker?" She wasn't even in there long enough to show her book.
KAREN: Come on, she didn't have to show him her book. She was wearing a Joan Rivers bee pin. Grace, stop fidgeting. Everything's gonna be fine. Just remember to let me do the talking.
GRACE: [LAUGHS] No! I'm the designer. You're the odd woman I pay to insult my clothes. I'll be doing the talking.
KAREN: [SIGHS] Suit yourself. Speaking of which...
NATHAN [ON THE CELL-PHONE]: No, no, we want that meeting. Well, you make it happen. [TO GRACE] Antonia Hutt?
GRACE: No, Grace Adler--
NATHAN: [TO THE OTHER DESIGNER] Antonia Hutt?
NATHAN [ON THE CELL-PHONE]: Alex, why didn't I get Antonia Hutt? I love her work. [BEAT] Marrakesh? Well, then I hope she gets bit by a scorpion.
GRACE: So do I. That would mean one less designer to compete with. [LAUGHS, THEN SNORTS.]
NATHAN: [TO GRACE] Book, please.
GRACE: [SHOWING PAGES OF HER PORTFOLIO, WHICH NATHAN QUICKLY FLIPS THROUGH] Um, this is a Pied-ā-Terre I did last spring. Uh, that's a house I did in Long Island. That was published in-- Ok, you're a skimmer. I should have known. You have a skimmer's build. [LAUGHS]
NATHAN: I don't really do humor. And I really don't like it in others.
GRACE: Oh, I'm not funny. Ask anyone.
KAREN: I'll vouch for that.
NATHAN: [TO KAREN] Do I know you? Did we meet at Sharon and Todd's for Michael's party?
KAREN: No, I couldn't make it to Sharon and Todd's. But I was at Kate and Adam's for Robert's opening.
NATHAN: I just saw Robert last week at Barbara and Fred's.
KAREN: [SCOFFS] Oh, I don't even talk to Barbara and Fred anymore. Not since the Eve and Dennis debacle.
NATHAN: I live for Eve and Dennis. I saw them last night. We were with Sally and Eric, Nicky, Donald, Suzette, and Peter. We went to Elaine's.
GRACE: Oh, I went to Elaine's once. With Freda and Sam. [BEAT] The Jacobsens? [BEAT] Friends of my parents.
KAREN: [TO NATHAN] All right, listen, honey. We can't stand around and chit-chat all day long. Does she have the job or not?
NATHAN: [TO KAREN] I like you. If you ever find yourself not working for her--
KAREN: Oh, Nate... I find myself not working for her all the time. So, come on, Nate, what's the skinny?
NATHAN: [TO GRACE] I need to see your home.
GRACE: My home?
NATHAN: Don't do that. Don't buy time by repeating what I say. I need to see where you live. Why would I hire a designer who lives in a dump?
GRACE: [SCOFFS] I'm not buying time by repeating what you say. I know you have to see where I live. Why would you hire a designer who lives in a dump?
KAREN: Here's the address, honey. Come by her dump tonight.
GRACE: Uh, yeah, why don't you come by around--
NATHAN: I'll be there at 8:00.
GRACE: Great. Eight. Don't be late.
NATHAN: Don't do that. Don't rhyme. [NATHAN EXITS THE ROOM.]
GRACE: You know how you show up late, don't do any work around the office, and don't know how to use the fax or the computer, and spend your day criticizing what I wear?
GRACE: Keep doing that. [GRACE STICKS HER TONGUE OUT AT THE OTHER TWO DESIGNERS AS THEY LEAVE.]
SCENE III: Will's Apartment
(GRACE is fiddling with a vase of lilies, while WILL watches.)
GRACE: [TO LILIES] Damn it. Stand! Oh, my God. [TO WILL] I can't get the lily to stand up straight.
WILL: Really? Even after you yelled at it? What a disobedient lily. Maybe you should spank it.
GRACE: Maybe you should spank it.
WILL: Hey, Nervous, no one is gonna notice one wayward lily. Relax. He's gonna love the place.
GRACE: Where are you going?
WILL: To the bathroom.
GRACE: Don't touch anything. You know what I mean. It's arranged perfectly in there.
WILL: I can't make any promises, Grace. I may have to lift the toilet seat. But I'll make mental note of where it was and put it back exactly as I found it.
[A KNOCK ON THE DOOR. GRACE HIDES THE LILY UNDER THE COUCH CUSHION. GRACE OPENS IT AND NATHAN ENTERS.]
GRACE: Nathan, hello. May I take your coat?
NATHAN: No. [QUICKLY LOOKS AROUND] Ok. I get it. It's a look.
GRACE: Um, may I offer you a drink?
NATHAN: God, no. We're not having drinks. I'm having drinks with friends. Well, I've seen what I need to see. Good night, Grace Adler. I'll let you know on Monday.
WILL: [EXITS FROM BATHROOM] Oh, you must be Nathan. Will Truman. Welcome to our home.
NATHAN: [SHAKING WILL'S HAND] Well, I suppose I could stay for a bit. [HE THROWS HIS JACKET TO GRACE.]
[LATER. NATHAN IS ON THE COUCH WITH HIS BACK TO GRACE, SPEAKING WITH WILL.]
NATHAN: I really wanted to get my parents a very special gift for their anniversary, but I think cash is so much more personal. Don't you?
NATHAN: You do. Where's your washroom?
GRACE: Oh, it's, uh, it's just behind you.
NATHAN: Thanks. [NATHAN EXITS TO THE BATHROOM]
GRACE: It's going well, right?
WILL: It's going fine. I hope you get the job. But this guy is a creep. My god, he put the "noxious" in obnoxious. Actually, he puts the "ob" in it, too.
NATHAN: [EXITING BATHROOM] Well, I have to go now. Good night, Will. It was nice meeting you.
WILL: Nathan. [WILL LAUGHS NERVOUSLY AS NATHAN CLOSES IN, SHAKING HIS HAND.]
NATHAN: Grace Adler, walk me to the elevator, please.
[GRACE AND NATHAN EXIT THE APARTMENT AND WAIT FOR THE ELEVATOR.]
GRACE: That's not really an indication of what I'd do for you, of course. It's specific to Will and I--
NATHAN: Is he involved right now?
GRACE: Will? Oh, um, no, not at the moment.
NATHAN: I think maybe I'll let you work for me, Grace Adler.
GRACE: How can I get rid of the maybe?
NATHAN: Did you get a sense that Will was interested in me? Because I did.
GRACE: [SIGHS] I'm not gonna lie to you. [IMMEDIATELY] Yes.
NATHAN: I am very attracted to your roommate. I want him to call me, and I want you to make that happen. Will that be a problem?
GRACE: Do I have the job?
NATHAN: Is he gonna call me?
GRACE: Do I have the job?
NATHAN: Is he gonna call me?
GRACE: Do I have the job?
NATHAN: Is he gonna call me?
NATHAN: Then yes.
[NATHAN EXITS. GRACE ENTERS THE APARTMENT.]
GRACE: I got it.
WILL: Tell me.
GRACE: I'll tell you later.
WILL: Come on. What did he say? What did you say? Did you bring something to the table that nobody else could?
WILL: Yeah, see? What was it?
SCENE IV: Will's Office
(WILL is at his desk. JACK enters.)
JACK: Come on, come to lunch. Karen's in the car waiting. She's paying. [JACK CLAPS, HOPPING UP AND DOWN.]
WILL: You know, Jack, one of the perks of working-- and you'll learn this someday-- is that you don't have to do this [CLAPPING] when somebody buys you lunch.
JACK: Aw, somebody's not happy because somebody has to date a pig.
WILL: That's not funny.
JACK: It's not? Wait, let me think about it just for a minute. [LAUGHING] Yeah, it's pretty funny.
WILL: Yes, I'm having one date with Nathan Berry. But must you find humor in my pain?
JACK: [SING-SONG] You know what's going to happen: [KISS-KISS] "What's that?" [SQUEALING LIKE A PIG]
WILL: You and I have very different ideas about what a first date entails.
JACK: But they all involve the good-night kiss.
WILL: Yeah, well, I can assure you this one will not.
KAREN: [ENTERING] Hey, come on, boys. What's the holdup? I only get 4 hours for lunch.
JACK: Karen, wait a minute. Come on in. Will, you want to know how to get through this date? I'll show you.
KAREN: [TO WILL] Oh, honey, you still doing the law thing?
WILL: Honey, you still doing the "I married for love" thing?
JACK: Ok, focus. All right? The key to dating the undesirable is visual-eye-zation, all right? Now, it's the end of the evening, and Karen, who is totally smitten with me at this point-- thank you very much-- awaits a good-night smooch.
KAREN: Oh, Lord, Jack, I just reapplied.
JACK: And as she leans in...leaning. Thank you. I don't see Karen. I see "Dawson's Creek" heartthrob James Van Der Beek. This is an image that works for me, ok? Utilizing my powers of concentration I am now able to kiss James. [TO KAREN] I mean Karen. [TO WILL] No, I mean James! [JACK PASSIONATELY KISSES KAREN] See? Any disgust I may feel is now eased by visual-eye-zation.
WILL: You know, I think I may join you for lunch. 'Cause here comes breakfast.
JACK: I know what you mean. Politically, I'm tolerant of the heterosexual lifestyle, but the actual act is rather revolting.
[JACK AND WILL EXIT, LEAVING KAREN STANDING THERE. KAREN FAINTS.]
SCENE V: A Restaurant
(WILL and NATHAN are having dinner.)
NATHAN: So Dominic was just up the beach from me, and Jerry and her brood were next door, so I spent most of my vacation time hiding.
WILL: I don't know who Dominic and Jerry are.
NATHAN: Don't do that. I'm not playing that. You know which Dom and Jerry I'm talking about.
WILL: Oh, right, right, right. Dom and Jerry. I always forget which one's the cat and which one's the mouse.
NATHAN: They're both cats. [TO WAITER, BRINGING THE FOOD] Excuse me, this chicken is in strips. I asked that you cube it. You think you could get it right? I'm here enough. [TO WILL] How tough is it to cube a chicken?
WILL: Well, let's see. Chicken times chicken times chicken...
NATHAN: No, no, no, no, no. Silly doesn't really work for me.
WILL: Good thing I left my whoopee cushion in my other pants. [WILL POURS A GLASS OF WINE. HE IS INTERRUPTED BEFORE HE CAN TAKE A DRINK...]
NATHAN: No, no. Give it some air. It'll open right up for you. Air.
WILL: [SWISHES HIS GLASS AROUND] So, uh, what are you working on now?
NATHAN: You know what I'm working on. Don't do that. I'm not doing that with you.
WILL: Ok, let's try potent potables for 200. You seen the photography exhibit at Moma?
NATHAN: Oh, come on. Let's not go there. Stay in the moment. You can still win me over. [TO WAITER, BRINGING THE FOOD] Smaller cubes. [TO WILL] So, you're, uh, some kind of a lawyer?
WILL: [IMITATING NATHAN] Oh, come on. Don't do that. Don't go there. I'm not doing that with you.
NATHAN: I'm sorry. I'm not following you.
WILL: I was just playing with you.
NATHAN: How boring. Do you enjoy playing games?
WILL: Yeah. I'm a big game player. One of my favorites is the "Be Nice to Waiters" game. Yeah, if you win, you get to not go to hell.
NATHAN: You are so like Tom.
WILL: Tom who?! Who is Tom?! And why don't these people give you their last names?! Wow, you are arrogant!
NATHAN: Be careful, Will Truman. You wouldn't want to offend me and force me to rethink Grace Adler.
WILL: Are you kidding me with this stuff?! Nobody actually says something like that unless they're twirling a mustache and tying Lillian Gish to the train tracks. [TO WAITER] Check, please.
NATHAN: [TO WAITER] I'll take the check please.
WILL: No, give it to me.
NATHAN: I have much more money than he does.
WILL: Yeah, but I'll tip you.
WAITER: And we have a winner. [HE HANDS THE CHECK TO WILL.]
SCENE VI: Will's Apartment
(GRACE is waiting for WILL as he enters.)
GRACE: Hi. He called.
WILL: Oh, Grace, I'm sorry. I couldn't control myself. It's just... outside of a circus contortionist, he's the only man I've ever met that can actually blow smoke up his own ass.
GRACE: It's pretty bad.
WILL: Did he fire you?
GRACE: Actually, he doubled my budget.
WILL: He doub-- That's fantastic. That's-- Why are you eating a ding dong?
GRACE: I did something bad.
WILL: Tell me.
GRACE: You don't want to know.
WILL: Honey, after a date with Nathan Berry, nothing could be that bad.
GRACE: Even a second date with Nathan Berry?
GRACE: 'Cause I told him you'd go out with him again. [GRACE RUNS OUT ONTO THE BALCONY]
GRACE: [OUTSIDE] Will, he loved you.
GRACE: [OUTSIDE] He said it turned him on the way you were totally direct with him and put him in his place.
WILL: Yeah, well, let me be totally direct with you. [OPENING THE CURTAIN] I would rather go out with an Ebola-riddled gibbon monkey than this guy. Hell, I'd rather go out with Pat Buchanan than this guy.
GRACE: [ENTERING] Will, please, please. Remember how you told me to do whatever it takes to get this job? I'm still doing that.
WILL: I can't believe you're using me like this.
GRACE: Just one more date. By then the only thing he'll want to fluff is the curtains. Oh, come on, Will. I've done things for you that is just as bad as this without even batting an eye.
WILL: Name one.
GRACE: [THINKING] I won't belittle this with examples. Will, Will. Will, please, please. I'm begging. One more date. Please. Unless he wants a third.
WILL: No. Oh, for god's sake, Grace, why don't you just dress me up in fishnet stockings and thigh-high boots?
GRACE: You'd do that?
SCENE V: Nathan's House
(GRACE is pacing and KAREN is reading a catalog while construction workers move things around.)
GRACE: This isn't right. I should be designing this place.
KAREN: [TO THE WORKERS] Hey, fellas. Either sweat less or crack a window, huh?
GRACE: [TO KAREN] I can't believe Will blew this for me. It's so ridiculous. I wasn't prostituting him. All I asked was that he make himself romantically available to somebody he doesn't particularly like so I could make a little money. He wouldn't even do that.
KAREN: Honey, what's going on? Did we get fired?
GRACE: Where have you been? I've been talking about this all day.
KAREN: Oh. [POINTING TO CATALOG] Spring Edition. 600 pages. You've been nothing but a series of hoots and clicks to me since breakfast.
GRACE: Well, we haven't officially been fired yet. But Will refuses to go out with Nathan again, so--
KAREN: So he fired you?
GRACE: Well, not yet. But it's--
KAREN: Wait, wait, wait, honey, wait a minute here. Listen, you know how you get a year's supply of Omaha steaks every time you buy a Bentley?
GRACE: Um, no. But I'm very interested in where this synaptic misfire's gonna land.
KAREN: Grace, you are the luxury automobile, Will's just a piece of meat. Are you really so insecure about your work that you don't realize that Will is just a free gift with purchase?
GRACE: Nathan would've never given me--
KAREN: [CLOSING GRACE'S LIPS] Buh-buh-buh-buh-da-da-da-go-tu-tu... Honey, I'm usually not this sensitive. Ride the wave. Did it ever occur to you that maybe Nathan Berry might let you keep your job because you're a good designer?
GRACE: You know, you're right. I mean, people hire me all the time. And they love my work. Why would Nathan blow all this money if he didn't really think that I knew what I was doing? I am a Bentley.
WILL: [ENTERING; TO GRACE] Ok, I'll go out with him.
GRACE: Oh, thank God. He would've fired my ass just as sure as I'm standing here.
WILL: I called him. He's on his way over. There's a few things I want to say to him first.
GRACE: Talk to him, don't talk to him. I respect anything that you think you need to do.
SCENE VI: Nathan's House
(WILL and NATHAN are talking, while construction workers move things around.)
WILL: [TO NATHAN] I can't get you out of my head. I want to live here. I want to have cats with you.
NATHAN: Whoa, whoa, hold it.
WILL: No, no, let me finish. White Siamese. I've already got 'em named. Grisabella and Skimbelshanks. The railway cat.
NATHAN: Ok, problem. Warm and fuzzy doesn't work for me. You can go now. [YELLING TO GRACE, OFF SCREEN] Grace Adler, we need to discuss wallpaper. [NATHAN EXITS.]
WILL: Oh, yeah! [TO A WORKER] That was good. That was g-- Ok, you don't care. But Grace is gonna love that.