Original Airdate 4/22/99
Written by Michael Patrick King & Tracy Poust & Jon Kinnally
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Ben Reed (Richard Keller)
Vanessa Giorgio (Woman in gym)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
(WILL and GRACE are watching TV. GRACE is flipping channels with the remote.)
GRACE: Nope. Nope. Nope. No! Nope.
WILL: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. "Intimate Portrait of Molly Ringwald."
GRACE: And we're stopping because...?
WILL: Just to absorb the shock.
GRACE: It's official. They've run out of intimate people.
[JACK enters and leans back against the door.]
JACK: Ohh. Look at this. [JACK PULLS UP HIS SHIRT, REVEALING HIS STOMACH.]
WILL: Jack, warn people before you do that.
GRACE: Oh, god, that reminds me, Will. We're out of ricotta cheese.
JACK: I haven't worked out in 2 days. I'm fat. Je suis fatty gay. I got busted at the gym.
WILL: For what-- feeling something other than the burn?
JACK: Block! [JACK GRABS THE GLASS OF WINE GRACE JUST POURED FOR HERSELF.] Thanks, Grace. No, they finally got hip to the fact that I have an illegal membership card.
WILL: It's about time. You've been Juan Mendez for, like, 3 years now.
GRACE: Poor Juan, sitting around wondering what happened to his wallet, his thighs dimpling.
JACK: This isn't funny! I have to work out. I come from a very fat family. We store more fat than otters.
GRACE: Well, why don't you join our gym?
WILL: Oh, no no. He couldn't afford our gym.
GRACE: Oh, no, no, no. It's easy. Will has an extra buddy pass. It's good for a month. [GRACE PULLS A PASS FROM THE REFRIDGERATOR.]
WILL: That is actually not my buddy pass. That's my things-to-do list. Look at number one here--"Pinch Grace." [WILL PINCHES GRACE.]
JACK: [GRABS THE PASS] Put the kettle on, Mary. We're goin' to the gym! Aoww! Let's work out during the day... buddy. Unemployed guys are so much hotter.
WILL: Jack... It's not really that kind of a gym. I got a lot of clients that work out there. I've been known to do business there. And you won't find anybody dancing on a box.
JACK: You're just afraid I'm gonna cut into your gym action. [GASPS] Listen to me. I'm talking like a crazy person. Augh! [JACK EXITS.]
SCENE II: The Gym
(JACK and WILL are getting ready to work out.)
JACK: Ohh! Ok, you should've warned me they let naked old men walk around in here.
WILL: Would you keep it down?
JACK: Ooh, look, there's a guy over there who can bench 300 pounds, and I'd like to be 160 of them. [YELLING ACROSS THE ROOM] Hello! Press this!
WILL: Now, now-- listen. Swishburger, this is not like your old gym. Look around. Nary a nipple ring in sight. No men in Flashdance collars. And behold...women!
JACK: There were women at my old gym.
WILL: Not on their birth certificate.
JACK: Fine, fine. Let's just do some crunches then.
WILL: Fine. [JACK BEGINS WIPING OFF HIS MAT.] What's that?
JACK: What? I'm wiping off my mat.
WILL: Well...[SIGHS] Do you have to do the little flourish? It's like we're doing The Mikado here. Just gimme that! [WILL GRABS THE TOWEL AND QUICKLY WIPES THE MAT.]
JACK: Wow. Somebody's sports bra's a little snug.
WILL: I'm just saying is it so hard--
RICHARD: [WALKING PAST WILL, THEN STOPS] Will?
WILL: Richard. That's...weird. I was just thinking about you.
RICHARD: What were you thinking?
WILL: I'm thinking we should get together and talk--
JACK: [TO RICHARD] Hello there. [WILL PUSHES JACK OUT OF THE WAY, THEN STEPS IN FRONT OF HIM.]
WILL: Here's the thing: there's just a few sticking points in the Felner merger. I'm not at all happy with the contracts.
RICHARD: Well, fine. We'll get together sometime next week. Thanks, counselor. [RICHARD EXITS TO THE LOCKER ROOM.]
JACK: A little rusty, but I'm impressed. You still got the moves, Truman.
WILL: What are you talking about, crazy?
JACK: You know, swoopin' in with the old jock block.
WILL: The what?
JACK: The jock block, Will. Or, as they say south of the border, el jocko blocko. [SNAPS FINGERS.]
WILL: You're gonna have to help me here. I don't speak pidgin homo.
JACK: The jock block, Will. Helloooo! You saw me going for that guy, and you cut me off at the pass.
WILL: Ohh! [SARCASTIC] Busted! That's exactly what I was doing, Jack.
JACK: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Shielding a desirable carcass from a much hotter vulture.
WILL: See, this is what happens when you watch Wild Kingdom and gay porn with picture in picture.
SCENE III: Grace's Office
(GRACE is at her desk. KAREN is on the phone with Stan.)
KAREN [ON THE PHONE, YELLING]: No, I will not lower my voice! You're my husband! Who the hell else am I gonna yell at?! [KAREN KNOCKS THE PHONE ON THE DESK.] Yeah, I know what I saw, Stan! You were looking at her! Oh, or maybe you were looking at, I don't know, a lamp, and her ass just got in the way!
GRACE: Um, Karen, maybe I should--
KAREN: [TO GRACE] Sit.
GRACE: I'm sitting.
KAREN [ON THE PHONE]: What?! No. No, no, no. No more from you, Stan. You're done. I said that'll do, you unibrow freak! [KAREN SLAMS DOWN THE PHONE.] [TO GRACE] God, I am so sick of Stan.
GRACE: Karen, maybe you should talk to your shrink about this.
KAREN: My shrink? Honey, I only go to him for refills.
GRACE: Maybe... Maybe you just need a night away from Stan.
KAREN: Well, the nights are definitely worse. His new thing is garlic pills.
GRACE: No, Karen, what I meant was call one of your girlfriends, you know? Go out and have fun.
KAREN: You're right. Maybe I should call someone and do something.
[KAREN SITS FOR A SECOND, THEN UNEASILY LOOKS OVER AT GRACE.]
GRACE: [LOOKING UP] Did... you wanna... do something with--
KAREN: Oh, no, no, honey.
KAREN: No. [LAUGHING]
[BOTH GRACE AND KAREN LAUGH UNEASILY]
KAREN: Ohh...heh. But... If I did... what... would that be?
GRACE: Um...you could come over this weekend. We could hang out, watch movies...talk.
KAREN: Talk? And how... would that go?
GRACE: Well...Nell, you might say something... and I might respond. And if it were interesting enough... you might be moved to...
KAREN: Say... something... back?
GRACE: Yes! Yes! You've done this before.
KAREN: Oh. Well, once at Betty Ford, but it just got boring.
SCENE IV: The Gym
(WILL and GRACE are working out.)
GRACE: Ok, her... [POINTING TO A WOMAN] Could I ever have a body like hers?
WILL: Well, she appears to be of Nordic descent. They tend toward the live and bosomy, so--so as to help their buoyancy whilst navigating down the fjords.
WILL: Grace, you don't want that kind of a body. You're a--you're of a hardier peasant stock. Yours is a body built for...
GRACE: What? Linebacking?
WILL: No, no. Picking and carrying baskets of onions to market. On your head.
GRACE: What are you doing to me?
WILL: Oh, relax. If this were 1805, you'd be the hottest babe in the shtetl.
GRACE: Ok, this is how that should've gone. I asked you if I could ever have that body, and you say, "Honey, why would you want to go down a notch?"
WILL: Maybe I'm just working through some of my anger towards you.
GRACE: What did I do?
WILL: You inflicted Jack on my gym life.
GRACE: You're mad at that?
WILL: You know my new client, Richard Keller? He's in here the other day. And of course, Jack has to meet him. And then he accuses me of trying to prevent him from picking the man up. And I--
GRACE: You jock blocked him?
WILL: No, I didn't-- How do you know the jock block?
GRACE: [MINNESOTA ACCENT] Oh, jeez, I overheard it in a salon. Those gay fellas are a real hoot. [NORMAL VOICE] What do you mean, how do I know? I know.
WILL: I didn't block anyone's jock. Richard is straight, and he's a new client.
GRACE: And Jack was just being Jack. You're overreacting. Who cares if Jack's at the gym?
WILL: Well, sometimes he's just... I don't know, sometimes he's just such a... fag. [WILL EXITS TO THE LOCKER ROOM.]
GRACE: Wow... [GRACE EXITS TO THE LOCKER ROOM.]
[JACK SITS UP, HAVING HEARD WILL AND GRACE'S CONVERSATION.]
SCENE V: The Gym
(WILL is working out as JACK enters. JACK is wearing a sports jersey and a backwards baseball cap.)
JACK: ["JOCK" ACCENT] Hey, Willie boy, how ya doin', man? How's it hangin'?
WILL: Hangin' well. Thanks for asking.
JACK: ["JOCK" ACCENT] Yeah, did you catch the Knicks game last night? It rocked, huh?
WILL: It can't be National Butch Day, 'cause the banks are still open...
JACK: ["JOCK" ACCENT, TO A WOMAN WALKING BY] Hey, Betty. Nice rack.
WOMAN: You're an idiot.
JACK: ["JOCK" ACCENT] Thanks. [TO WILL] Probably a lez, huh? [SPITS.]
WILL: You just spat on your shoe. What are you doing?
JACK: ["JOCK" ACCENT] Well, you know the old saying-- well, a rolling fag gathers no moss.
JACK: ["JOCK" ACCENT] Yeah, you can lead a fag to water, but you can't make him drink. A penny saved is a fag earned.
WILL: Jack, you--
JACK: I heard what you called me the other day.
WILL: Oh. Uh...Jack, I'm sorry you heard that, but you gotta understand I--I work with some of these people. You-- I wish you'd just tone it down a little.
JACK: You're pathetic and gross, and there's nothing wrong with my tone.
WILL: Yeah, except that whenever you open your mouth, a purse falls out.
JACK: What are you so afraid of, that everybody's gonna find out you're gay?
JACK: Oh. They don't all know yet, do they?
WILL: I don't know. Some do, some don't. I don't exactly put it on my business card. "Will Truman, Gay, Member since 1982."
JACK: '82? Try '78, Mister "One time at sleep-away camp doesn't count."
WILL: Whatever. I tell people when I'm ready, on my timetable.
JACK: Oh, I know what this is-- the 15 faces of Will. Well, listen, Will, I am what I am.
WILL: And that makes you what, the Gay Popeye?
JACK: I'd rather be a fag than afraid. [JACK EXITS.]
SCENE VI: Will's Apartment
(GRACE is cleaning up as WILL enters.)
JACK: Jack heard what I said at the gym.
GRACE: Oh. Ouch.
WILL: What are you doing?
GRACE: Oh, nothing. I have a friend coming over. [OFF WILL'S LOOK] I have girlfriends. Besides you.
WILL: Am I a bad gay man?
GRACE: [IMMEDIATELY] Yes.
WILL: How can you answer that so easily?
GRACE: Because yesterday when I saw that you didn't leave me any milk for my coffee, I remember saying, "Bad gay man! Bad gay man!"
WILL: It's just that...Jack said this thing about how there are 15 Will Trumans.
GRACE: Oh, that's so wrong.
WILL: Thank you.
GRACE: There are at least 25... If you include Grumpy Morning Will and Disco Will and Sublimate His Rage With Cashmere Will--
WILL: Ok, this is-- this is absurd. Maybe I don't wear my sexuality like a sash and a tiara the way Jack does, but I am willing to put my gayness up against anybody's. [BEAT] Um... You know what I mean.
GRACE: Wow. You're really embarrassed by Jack, aren't you?
WILL: No. [BEAT] Sometimes. Can you blame me?
WILL: What does that mean, "hmm"?
GRACE: Well, you know, sometimes the things we don't like in others are the things we really don't like in, uh... [POINTING TO WILL] ourselves.
WILL: Thank you, princess of tides.
GRACE: Look, what you called Jack was pretty harsh. I mean, what do you say about me behind my back?
WILL: That you should never wear Capri pants.
GRACE: [HORRIFIED GASP] Ok, you keep that behind my back. All right, all I'm saying is Jack has always been your best friend. What's changed? Really.
WILL: I'm gonna go out. [ANGRY SIGH.]
[WILL OPENS THE DOOR AND KAREN IS THERE.]
WILL: [SCREAMING] Aah!
KAREN: Oh! Honey, sorry I surprised you.
WILL: Oh, you didn't surprise me. [WILL EXITS.]
GRACE: Hi. Come on in.
KAREN: Uh, my mother told me never to show up empty-handed, but I didn't have time to shop, so... Here's a dozen shares of G.E.
GRACE: Great. I'll go put them in water. Please sit.
KAREN: Oh, thank you.
GRACE: Ok, are you ready?
GRACE: I'm gonna make some popcorn, I have Ben & Jerry's softening, and I rented the last copy of Hope Floats. [OFF KAREN'S LOOK] I'll get the booze.
KAREN: There ya go.
[LATER...GRACE AND KAREN ARE DRINKING TEQUILA SHOTS, AND THROWING THE LIMES AT THE WALL]
GRACE: Ok, ready? Go. Ok, so where was I?
KAREN: Mmm, oh, yeah, the guy was drooling all over your neck.
GRACE: Oh. Oh, right. The drool. So Ira... Is floppin' on top of me like a horny trout... And then all of a sudden he lets out this scream that sounds something like, "Ga-ga-gah!" "Gah! Gah." And pffft! It's over.
GRACE: And that's how I lost my virginity.
KAREN: Oh-ho! Ohh, that is such a sweet story. You know, I didn't know there were people who were actually named Ira.
GRACE: I don't know if there are people named Ira, either, but that was his name. So...what was your first time like?
KAREN: Oh, it was awful. He kept twistin' 'em like he was trying to open up a jar of peanut butter. But... It did get me out of having to write that term paper.
GRACE: Oh, ho ho ho ho! No!
KAREN: Oh, yes. Let's have a toast to Mr. Tyler and his big A+.
GRACE: To Mr. Tyler. [THEY DO ANOTHER SHOT.]
KAREN: He's a state senator now, you know.
GRACE: Ira's a nurse. Did you know that you're wearing my clothes?
KAREN: Yeah, honey, and you're wearing mine.
GRACE: [SQUEALING] Ah, I am! When did that happen?
KAREN: Well, uh, you wanted to try on my sweater, and I wanted to see what... synthetic fabrics felt like, and...
GRACE: Well, that's--
KAREN: Bibbity-bobbity-boob, we're wearing each other's clothes. Hey, you know what? This is kinda fun.
KAREN: I love you. Ah!
GRACE: I love you, too!
KAREN: Ohh! [GRACE AND KAREN HUG]
SCENE VII: The Gym
(JACK is working out as WILL enters.)
WILL: Hey, buddy boy. Need a--need a spot?
JACK: No. Actually, I'm looking for a spot remover. Bye-bye.
WILL: Jack, I'm sorry.
JACK: Talk is cheap, Will, ok? [SHOOING WILL AWAY] Fly. Fly.
WILL: I mean it. Please forgive me.
JACK: No. Or, as they say south of the border, no.
WILL: Jack, come on.
JACK: You know, you might wanna scoot away from me, Will. If the other kids see us playing together, they might think you're a sissy. [JACK PUTS ON HIS HEADPHONES AND BEGINS SINGING] Won't you take me to Funkytown? Won't you take me to Funkytown?
RICHARD: [WALKING PAST WILL] Will, I'll see you tomorrow at the meeting.
WILL: Yeah, all right. Oh, uh, Richard... Wait a minute. Before you go... You see the guy singing "Funkytown" over there? [POINTING TO JACK]
JACK: [SINGING] Won't you take me to Funkytown?
RICHARD: Yeah, he's kinda hard to miss.
JACK: [SINGING] Funkytown...
RICHARD: He's way out there.
JACK: [SINGING] Funkytown...
WILL: Yes, he is. I want you to meet him.
RICHARD: Is this about business?
RICHARD: Will, I-I'm straight.
WILL: Oh, I know. I'm not, but it's not about that. Come on. Richard... This is Jack, my best friend.
JACK: [TO RICHARD] Hi.
RICHARD: [TO JACK] Nice to meet you.
RICHARD: [TO WILL] So if there aren't any other singers you want me to meet... I'll see you tomorrow. [TO JACK] Jack. [RICHARD EXITS.]
JACK: Well, that was almost a nice thing you did there, Will Truman.
WILL: It's a start. What more do you want?
JACK: I'd like you to realize that this is not about me, this is about you.
WILL: I do realize that.
JACK: And I'd like an apology.
WILL: I'm sorry.
JACK: And a little respect.
WILL: You have that.
JACK: And a full-time membership to this gym.
WILL: I respect you too much to pay for--
JACK: Ok, forget the respect, just full-time membership.
SCENE VIII: Will's Apartment, the outer hallway
(JACK and WILL exit the elevator to enter WILL's apartment.)
JACK: Augh, I feel sick. I can't believe you made me eat so late.
WILL: Certain foods should only be eaten after midnight, like kielbasa and stuffed derma. Anything encased. You know, anything that-- anything that practices safe pork.
[WILL OPENS THE DOOR. GRACE AND KAREN ARE PASSED OUT, LAYING ON TOP OF EACH OTHER.]
JACK: Sufferin' sappho!
WILL: You know, it's a shame. An image like this is completely wasted on us.
JACK: I don't wanna be here when they wake up.
WILL: Let's see if we can make last call.
[WILL AND JACK EXIT.]