Original Airdate 4/8/99
Written by Katie Palmer
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Molly Shannon (Val Bassett)
Tom Gallop (Rob)
Leigh-Allyn Baker (Ellen)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
(WILL and GRACE are getting ready for work.)
WILL: So, we still on for lunch?
WILL: Well, what about dinner?
WILL: How about I wake you up at 3 a.m. for some calamari?
GRACE: Can, but won't.
WILL: Grace, you've been working 7 days a week. I haven't seen you in, like, forever. [BRITISH ACCENT] The children don't even know what you look like anymore.
GRACE: Tell them I look like a young Rita Hayworth.
WILL: [SHAKING HIS HEAD] Mmm...
GRACE: What? I've been told. Will, I promise, we'll do something soon. And if not, the day after soon.
WILL: Yeah, soon's a no go. I'm having lunch at the whatchamacallit with what's-his-name.
[GRACE opens the door as JACK enters.]
GRACE: [EXITING] Hi, Jack. Bye, Jack.
JACK: [TO GRACE] Dad, was that you? [TO WILL] Ok, my court date is this afternoon. Do you have any last-minute advice?
WILL: Yeah. You shouldn't have slapped a meter maid. Honestly, Jack, sometimes I don't know where your head is.
JACK: Mom, is that you?
WILL: All right. You remember what I told you to tell the judge?
JACK: Yes. It's not bad, but I've made a few adjustments. It's just the writer in me.
WILL: Jack, listen to me. Don't recite any soliloquies. Don't sing any show tunes. Don't do the whole Perry Gay-son thing. Ok? What time you heading downtown?
JACK: Oh, uh, when I-- [SINGING] Forget all my troubles, forget all my cares and go downtown--
WILL: No. Petula... It's nice to see you're taking this so seriously.
JACK: Actually, I am. That's why I would like a loan for $50 that I don't have to pay back for some blond highlights. I feel it will soften me in the eyes of the jury.
WILL: There's the fridge. Get a lemon and rub it on your head.
[WILL exits the apartment and enters the elevator. VAL is present, as are two other passengers.]
[WILL BEGINS HUMMING "Downtown"; VAL CHIMES IN AT THE WORD "DOWNTOWN"]
[WILL CONTINUES HUMMING AND VAL JOINS IN UNTIL SHE EXITS THE ELEVATOR.]
WILL: [SINGING] How can you-- [WILL STOPS WHEN HE SEES THE OTHER TWO PASSENGERS ARE STARING] Heh. I'm goin' downtown.
SCENE II: Will's Office
(WILL is working at his desk, as JACK enters wearing a safety-orange jumpsuit.)
WILL: And they said Tinky Winky was the only gay Teletubbie.
JACK: Nice advice, counselor. I got 40 hours of community service. I have to pick up trash for the next 2 weeks.
WILL: At least this trash won't call you the next morning.
JACK: This is so stupid. I can't believe my hard-earned tax dollars are being spent prosecuting guys like me who did nothing wrong.
WILL: Ok, Jack. A--nothing you've ever made has been hard-earned. B--you never paid taxes until this year, and C--you did something wrong. You Zsa-Zsaed a meter maid. It's against the law.
JACK: [AS ZSA ZSA GABOR] Yeah, vell, the law sucks, darling. [SITTING DOWN, NORMAL VOICE] Oh, now I've gone and worked up an appetite. Take me to dinner tonight, you know, for my last meal.
WILL: Sorry, deadbeat walking. Grace and I have plans. [WILL DIALS THE PHONE]
JACK: Oh, right, the missis before the mistress.
[CUT TO GRACE'S OFFICE AS THE TELEPHONE RINGS]
KAREN: [ANSWERING PHONE] Grace Adler Designs.
WILL [INTO PHONE]: Hi, Karen.
KAREN: Grace, the reason you're not in a relationship is on line one.
GRACE [INTO PHONE]: Hey. What's up?
[CUT TO WILL'S OFFICE]
WILL [INTO PHONE]: Hey, are we still on for dinner? 'Cause there's a new kosher Chinese place around the corner. I'm in the mood for a little sweet-and-sour "oy, my back."
[CUT TO GRACE'S OFFICE]
GRACE [INTO PHONE]: I can't. Big problems with the Schneiderman townhouse. I have to rip up all the curtains and the carpet. Apparently, the only rug Mr. Schneiderman is interested in is the one that's on his head.
[CUT TO WILL'S OFFICE]
JACK: [THROWING PAPER CLIPS AT WILL TO GET HIS ATTENTION] Hey, hey. Tell Karen I love her.
WILL [INTO PHONE]: Yeah, well, I'll--I'll wait. I'm gonna wait.
GRACE [INTO PHONE]: No. Eat without me. I'm gonna be late-late.
WILL [INTO PHONE]: Late-late? Why, why, why, why, why?
[CUT TO GRACE'S OFFICE]
GRACE [INTO PHONE]: Because, because, because, because, because. Ok, Dorothy, I gotta go.
[CUT TO WILL'S OFFICE]
JACK: [CRAWLING ON THE DESK TO TALK INTO THE PHONE] Hey. Hey. Hey, tell Karen I wanna French-kiss her when I see her. [WILL PUSHES JACK BACK INTO HIS CHAIR.]
WILL [INTO PHONE]: I'll see you when I see you.
GRACE [INTO PHONE]: Bye. [WILL AND GRACE HANG UP.]
JACK: Poor Will. Now he's being blown off by women.
SCENE III: The Laundry Room in Will's Apartment Building
(VAL is doing her laundry as WILL enters)
WILL: [HUMMING "DOWNTOWN"]
VAL: Hey, it's the elevator chanteuse. I caught your act between floors 9 and 2.
WILL: Ah. All those years on the escalator really paid off. I'm Will, by the way.
VAL: Oh, I'm Val. I just moved into 15-F.
WILL: 15-F? Nice apartment.
VAL: Good divorce lawyer.
WILL: Aw... Sorry. Was it messy?
VAL: Actually, it was... You know what? I'd really... rather not talk about it. It just still sort of... hurts my feelings a lot.
WILL: Oh, Val, I-- I wouldn't have brought it up if I--
VAL: Forget it, I'm just kidding! Ha ha! I'm kidding!
WILL: Yeah. Yeah.
VAL: I'm just kidding! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha... but...no, actually, he was-- he was just a real jerk, though, you know. Whenever we argued, he used to... he used to talk about himself in the third person. He'd be like, "um, Val, Gerry needs his space right now," and I'd be like, "um, Gerry, Val's going to take half your money right now."
WILL: Will wonders why Val married Gerry.
VAL: Well, as it turns out, I was a jackass magnet, but I've now been de-magnetized, so all the creepy guys just slide off of me. [WILL CLAPS] Oh, thank you. Thank you.
WILL: [ASIAN ACCENT] You funny lady.
VAL: [ASIAN ACCENT] And you gay fella! [NORMAL VOICE] Which actually... kills me, 'cause you're so cute.
WILL: Yeah... what was the giveaway?
VAL: I guess the abundance of boxer briefs.
WILL: [BRITISH ACCENT] Ahh, yes. The homosexual is the leading exponent of the underpant hybrid.
VAL: Hey, do you want to have dinner later? Or you're probably busy or... Is that weird that I just asked you, and I just met you?
WILL: No, no, I just got canceled on, actually, for tonight. You know, there's a kosher Chinese place around the corner.
VAL: Really? Hey, man, I could really go for some moo shu "it wouldn't kill you to call your mother."
WILL: Ha ha ha!
SCENE IV: Grace's Office
(GRACE is working with a chair. KAREN is at her desk.)
GRACE: What is this overstuffed bigness? This chair is where foam goes to die. It's no good. It's got to go back. Oh, my god, I'm so stressed out!
KAREN: Honey, you know, whenever I get stressed out, I always like to--
GRACE: [BEAT] You always like to what?
KAREN: Gosh, I don't think I've ever been stressed out. I mean, why would I be? I got practically no responsibilities, my job's a breeze, and I got a killer rack! Good morning! Ha ha ha ha! Oh... Whoo!
GRACE: Aww... You know, when you just said that?
GRACE: You got the cutest little wrinkles right there. [POINTING TO KAREN'S FACE]
KAREN: What?! Where?! [KAREN RUNS TO THE MIRROR.]
GRACE: You feel that? That's stress.
[WILL AND VAL ENTER.]
WILL: Grace Adler, Val Bassett.
VAL: Hi, nice to meet you.
GRACE: Nice to meet you.
WILL: And this is Karen Walker. She, uh-- I use this term loosely-- "works" here.
VAL: Oh? Nice to meet you.
KAREN: Well, any friend of Will's is... Grace.
GRACE: Val, you know, Will has just said the best things about you and... it kills me that I can't have lunch with the two of you 'cause I have too much work to do.
WILL: No, you're not canceling again. I thought we could all have lunch together in Soho.
VAL: Oh, yeah! And after, we have to go by Prince Street to see that guy who can put himself through the tennis racket.
WILL: Frank. I love Frank.
VAL: Oh, yeah. That guy rakes it in. He's, like, the richest homeless guy in Manhattan.
WILL: I know. He actually made the Misfortune 500.
VAL: I was just going there.
WILL: Ah, I know. I beat you.
KAREN: Oh, get out already!
WILL: [TO GRACE] You, I'll see sometime before autumn, you know, of course unless there's another... design emergency! [PRETENDING HE'S IN AN E.R.] Ok, I'm going to need 10 cc's of chintz, stat! Clear!
GRACE: Isn't it amazing, Val? Will is a guy, and yet he can achieve multiple sarcasm.
VAL: Well, I'm really glad that we got to meet.
GRACE: Me, too.
VAL: [TO WILL] Oh! You got a little eyelash right there. [HOLDING OUT THE EYELASH TO WILL] Make a wish.
WILL: [BLOWS THE EYELASH AWAY, THEN LOOKS AT KAREN] No, she's still here. [TO GRACE] Bye.
VAL: [TO GRACE] Good-bye, nice to meet you. [TO KAREN] Bye!
[WILL AND VAL EXIT.]
GRACE: Aww... She's sweet. [OFF KAREN'S LOOK] What?
KAREN: I don't like the way she's so chummy with your husband.
GRACE: Please don't refer to him as my husband.
KAREN: All right, fine. I don't like how chummy she is with your non-romantic life partner.
GRACE: Also bad, so please stop, ok? I'm glad he has a new friend, especially since I'm so busy.
KAREN: Your sexless lover!
SCENE V: Will's Apartment
(WILL, VAL, ELLEN, and ROB are playing Pyramid.)
WILL: Um... dirty linen shirts, uh, your ex-husband.
VAL: Things that you take to the cleaners!
WILL: Um... oh, egg whites, thoroughbred horses, um...James Brolin.
VAL: Things that are whipped!
VAL: Yeah! All right!
ELLEN: You guys are amazing! Ok, I'm going to total up your times...
ROB: Add it up, honey.
ELLEN: Yeah, that's generally what I mean when I say I'm totaling it up, Rob.
ROB: Sorry, honey.
ELLEN: Oh, gosh, hey, may be a record, Will.
ROB: Record, Will.
VAL AND WILL [TOGETHER]: Record, whoo!
VAL: Hyah! [WILL DIPS VAL]
WILL: Whoo! [GRACE ENTERS] Hey!
GRACE: Hi. Hey, guys.
WILL: What are you doing home? I thought you had to work.
GRACE: Uh, yeah, I--I do. I just came home to change before my meeting.
VAL: We're playing Pyramid.
GRACE: I see. You know, Will and I are champions.
ROB: Oh, I don't know, Grace. Looks like you've got some competition.
WILL: Oh yeah.
GRACE: I don't think so, Rob.
ROB: Oh, I don't know. Val is awesome.
GRACE: Remember the time that Will and I finished an entire round in--
GRACE [TOGETHER WITH ELLEN]: 2 minutes and 14 seconds!
WILL: Oh, no! Laugh!
VAL: Hey, Grace, we're the same.
ROB: Oh, you guys, come on. We got to hurry if we're going to make that reservation.
WILL: Ok. [TO GRACE] You... have a good meeting. And remember... There's no diviner designer.
GRACE: [LAUGHS] Bye, Will.
WILL: Bye, Val. [ROB, ELLEN, VAL, AND WILL EXIT. WILL RE-ENTERS.] Did I just call you Val?
WILL: That's funny.
GRACE: [LAUGHING, THEN ABRUPTLY STOPS AFTER WILL EXITS] Things that aren't funny.
SCENE VI: Grace's Office
(GRACE and KAREN are present.)
GRACE: So I walk in, and this woman that he met, like, 5 minutes ago is in our house, playing with our friends, using our coasters... And he's dipping her! He actually dipped her!
KAREN: Well, it's the oldest story in the world, honey. [SIGHS] Boy meets girl, boy meets new girl, boy dips girl, boy sleeps with boys... Wait a minute, maybe that's not the oldest story. Maybe that's the Sal Mineo story! [LAUGHING] Ohh... But, honey, you know, if you want to hold on to your man, you got to work it a little bit. I mean... A slinky negligee, a nice perfume... Speak to him in a Dutch accent, like his childhood nanny.
GRACE: I'm going to call him for lunch.
KAREN: Oh, honey, if you're calling him at work, don't bother. He's home sick.
GRACE: No, he's not.
KAREN: Yeah, he is. Mm-hmm. I called his office this morning. Stan's going hot-air ballooning, and I wanted to review my pre-nup.
GRACE: I can't believe I didn't know Will was sick. Why didn't he call me? I mean, who could take better care of him than I can?
[GRACE DIALS WILL'S APARTMENT...VAL ANSWERS(!)]
VAL'S VOICE: [SING-SONG] Hello? Hello?
GRACE: [HANGING UP] Taking care of him when he's sick. Could she be more hateful?
SCENE VII: Will's Apartment
(WILL is on the couch, wrapped in a blanket. VAL is cooking in the kitchen. GRACE enters.)
GRACE: Val! What a surprise!
VAL: Hi, Grace.
GRACE: [TO WILL] Hey...I came as soon as I heard. How you feeling?
WILL: Oh, I'm at death's door. Only the bouncers won't let me in 'cause I don't look cool enough.
VAL: [TO GRACE] Hey, do you have any Jane's Crazy Mixed Up Salt?
GRACE: No. Val, what are you doing here?
VAL: Oh, just helping out our friend sickie here.
GRACE: Oh. Thanks. Well... I'm home now, so you can go. I'll help out... sickie.
VAL: Oh, no, go back to work, Grace. We got it covered. I just made a pot of split-pea soup here so sickie won't be sickie anymore!
GRACE: Well, sickie doesn't like split pea.
WILL: Uh, could you stop calling me sickie? Or sickie's going to get...pukey.
SCENE VIII: Grace's Office
(JACK is present, wearing his safety-orange jumper with a garbage bag and poker, talking with KAREN.)
JACK: Can you believe what I've been reduced to? I bitch-slapped the law and the law won.
KAREN: My poor little misdemeanor. Honey, your skin looks great. What are doing different?
JACK: Just pore strips.
JACK: I hate this! I mean, New Yorkers are such pigs. Look at this--ugh--chicken bones and broken lipsticks and candy wraps--
KAREN: Looks like the inside of Grace's purse.
JACK: You know, why don't people just use the garbage can? I mean... Look at this. Oh... Who would throw away their phone bill in the street? I mean, would it be so hard for [READING PHONE BILL] "Soon-Yi Allen" to walk 2 feet to-- Oh, my god!
JACK: Soon-Yi Allen's phone bill!
KAREN: Mama mia! (BEAT) And I mean that literally.
JACK: Karen, what should we do?
KAREN: Oh! Make a prank phone call! Give me!
JACK: No! That would be wrong. If there's one thing I've learned from this experience, it's that you need to respect the rights of others.
[BEAT. JACK AND KAREN BOTH START LAUGHING.]
KAREN: Come on, come on, come on!
JACK: I can't believe I got that all out with a straight face.
SCENE IX: Will's Apartment
(WILL is on the couch, wrapped in a blanket. VAL is bringing him soup on a tray. GRACE steps in and grabs the other side of the tray.)
GRACE: [TO WILL] I'll get the soup for you.
VAL: I got it.
GRACE: I'll do it.
VAL: I'm already doing it.
GRACE: It's my bowl.
VAL: My soup.
GRACE: My stove.
VAL: My recipe--
[VAL AND GRACE SPILL THE SOUP ALL OVER WILL.]
WILL: [SCREAMING] My god! My skin is burning!
GRACE: Oh, my god, are you ok?
WILL: What is the matter with you two? It's not "feed a cold, scald a fever"! [WILL RUNS INTO HIS BEDROOM.]
VAL: Grace, can I say something to you-- and I-- I really-- I really mean this in the most supportive way. But you seem very threatened and insecure.
GRACE: And I mean this in the most supportive way. Get out of my house, you wing nut.
VAL: Ok, I'll go. But I just want to let you know you have a little soup there in your blouse--
GRACE: I got it. [VAL PULLS THE POCKET OFF GRACE'S BLOUSE, EXPOSING HER BRA.] Look what you did! This was a really expensive blouse! [GRACE PULLS THE COLLAR OF VAL'S BLOUSE, EXPOSING HER TOP.] Sorry. You had a little bit of that delicious split pea on your collar.
VAL: [PULLING AND RIPPING BOTH SLEEVES OFF GRACE'S BLOUSE] I'm so sorry. I thought that was soup, but I guess it was part of the pattern.
GRACE: You know what? This is crazy. We--we are grown, mature women here.
VAL: Yeah, crazy. I guess you're right. Ok, let me get my coat.
GRACE: [JUMPING ON VAL'S BACK] Hyah!
VAL AND GRACE: [SCREAMING, ROLLING ON THE FLOOR, FIGHTING] Aah!
[WILL ENTERS FROM THE HALL; VAL AND GRACE ARE ON THE FLOOR FIGHTING STILL.]
WILL: Once again, girl-on-girl action, and it's totally lost on me. Hey. Hey! Gabrielle, Xena, break it up! [WILL PULLS VAL AND GRACE UP FROM THE FLOOR.] What is going on?
GRACE: She started it.
VAL: You did.
WILL: Ok, ok! "Nuh-uh" was just uttered by an adult. You're both taking a time-out. Go to your corners. Go on.
VAL: [TO GRACE] Bitch.
GRACE: [TO VAL] Psycho!
WILL: Hey! Hey! [TO GRACE] What is wrong with you?
WILL: Well, fine. Then I'll just go back to my room, and you two can work it out in Thunderdome.
GRACE: It's just that... You know, I've just been really busy, and I turn my back, and I've been replaced... by that wacko!
WILL: It takes one to replace one. Wait a m--wait a minute, Grace, I... are you jealous?
GRACE: No. Are you kidding? Like I would be, like--I would even-- yes, I'm totally jealous. [TO VAL] What are you looking at?!
WILL: The role of Will's best friend has always been and will always be filled by one scrappy little Grace Adler.
GRACE: Really? 'Cause it hasn't felt that way lately.
WILL: Yeah, well, you haven't been around lately. Grace, you got to let me... date other women.
GRACE: I know. I guess it's only fair. I date other men.
GRACE: I even sleep with some.
WILL: Mmm. Lucky. You two have something you want to say to each other?
GRACE: I'm sorry.
VAL: I'm sorry. And I'm--I'm--I... [GETTING CHOKED UP] I'm really sorry that I get a little crazy sometimes, you know. It's just that... Sometimes I just get a little envious of... I mean, it's like... I mean, I've never had a Will before, you know? I just moved in here after a very painful divorce, and... you know, I don't know anybody, and... I just so wanted to... connect with someone who didn't want anything back from me, you know?
GRACE: Oh, Val... I feel so awful.
VAL: I'm just kidding! Ha ha! I'm kidding! [LAUGHING] Like there aren't a million gay guys in New York, you know?
GRACE: You're a little nuts, right?
VAL: I've been told.
GRACE: I admire that in a woman.
VAL: Aww... I like that little bra that you're wearing.
GRACE: Aww... and I liked your split-pea soup.
VAL: Well, thanks.
GRACE: I got a little taste when you shoved my face in the rug.
VAL: Hey, do you have a shirt that I could borrow to wear for the elevator ride?
GRACE: Oh, yeah. You know what? I have a great turtleneck that'll cover up that welt... that I gave you. [AHEM.] Do you like blue?
VAL: Yeah! [VAL AND GRACE RUN TO GRACE'S ROOM, HOLDING HANDS.]
WILL: [CHUCKLING, TO HIMSELF] Straight guys have got to be out of their minds.