Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Debbie Reynolds (Bobbi Adler)
Scott Kelly Galbreath (Waiter)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
(WILL is cooking; GRACE opens the door and JACK enters.)
JACK: I just met the cutest guy! At the video store, shamelessly flirting with me. Through his girlfriend, but I picked up on it.
GRACE: What movie did you get?
JACK: Star Wars.
WILL: Oh, again?
GRACE: Jack, I'm dreaming of Jabba the Hutt.
JACK: That's 'cause you live with him. Anyways, I'm collecting data to put on the Internet. The world should know the truth about C-3P0.
WILL: Jack, C-3P0 is not gay, he's British.
JACK: (IMITATING C-3P0) "Oh, R2, come back here. My circuits burn for you."
GRACE: You really should get another hobby besides outing robots.
WILL: He thinks every robot is gay.
JACK: Hello! "Lost in Space?" (IMITATING "LOST IN SPACE" ROBOT) Danger. Danger, Will Robinson! (NORMAL VOICE) BIG space queen.
(THE TELEPHONE RINGS)
JACK: Oh, I'll get it. (JACK REACHES FOR THE PHONE)
WILL: We're screening.
JACK: You don't screen when I call, do you?
ANSWERING MACHINE (GRACE'S VOICE): Hi. We're not in. Leave a message at the tone. [BEEP]
WOMAN'S VOICE (LEAVING A MESSAGE): Hi, Grace. You should change your message. Have a little fun, like... (SINGING) We're Will and Grace and we're not home so leave a message on the phone, scooba do ba-zap do wah, oh yeah. (TALKING) Oh, I just made that up. Anyhoo... I'm coming to the Grand Apple for a few days--
GRACE: (SIGHS) It's the Big Apple.
WOMAN'S VOICE (LEAVING A MESSAGE): I'll see you when I get in. Bye!
JACK: Who the hell was that nut?
GRACE: That nut was my mother.
JACK: (IMITATING "LOST IN SPACE" ROBOT) Danger! Danger, Grace Adler!
SCENE II: Will's Apartment
(WILL and GRACE are preparing for her mother's arrival.)
GRACE: Ok, let's go over it again.
WILL: Gracie, I think you're ready.
GRACE: Will, my mother's coming in without my father, A.K.A. "The Buffer." I need to be prepared. Ok. Mother shields up... (TAKES DEEP BREATH) Judgment deflector activated. Fire away.
WILL: (IMITATING GRACE'S MOTHER) Honey, I'm just so thrilled about you and your little pillow store, but did I tell you that the Schenectady Times said that my performance in "Rent" stole the show?
GRACE: (STRAINED LAUGHTER) Well, I'm not surprised. I mean, look at you, Mom. You were born to play an adolescent struggling with homelessness and heroin addiction. And, uh, ha, by the way, that "little pillow store" is actually a thriving enterprise that--
WILL: Hey, hey, hey. You're getting a very high hostility reading. (PASSING A SPATULA OVER HER BODY) Nn-nn-nn-nn!
GRACE: God. Oh, god! I'm going down! She's--she's gonna nail me. I bet you within the first 5 seconds she's gonna be all over my--
GRACE: Ok, this is a little too much fun for you.
WILL: Love life?
GRACE: No! Stop it! She's gonna say that I'm ruining my life, that I'm never gonna meet anyone because I'm living with a gay guy.
WILL: A gay guy? Is he cute?
GRACE: Not at the moment.
(POUNDING ON DOOR)
WILL: Ok. Deep breath. Chin up. Do you always part your hair like that? I'm kidding. The hair is good.
GRACE: (TAKING A DEEP BREATH) Ahh.
(WILL opens the door. Grace's Mom, Bobbi Adler makes her entrance.)
BOBBI ADLER: (SINGING) You'll be swell. You'll be great. You can have the whole world on a plate.
GRACE: Will...I think my mother's here.
BOBBI: Hello, darling. Give mother a hug. (HUGGING GRACE) Mmm...
GRACE: (HUGGING BOBBI) Mmm...
BOBBI: You look gorgeous. Change the shoes.
WILL: Shoes! How could I have missed that?
BOBBI: Will, is it my imagination, or do you get handsomer and handsomer?
WILL: No, it's true. I get handsomer by the minute. I've got time-lapse photos that would amaze you.
BOBBI: Grace. Grace, how do you like my new suit? Look, look, look. No panty line, because... no panties.
GRACE: Ohh... there was just no preparing for that one.
SCENE III: Grace's Office.
(GRACE is picking up a muffin from a basket; KAREN is fixing herself up in the mirror.)
GRACE: Hmm. Mini-muffins. (SCOFFS) They think they're so cute.
KAREN: Someone sent those to the house for Rosario, but she's in the hospital having her stomach stapled, so... I don't think she'll be needing them.
GRACE: Your maid is having her stomach stapled?
KAREN: No, honey. I'm having her stomach stapled.
BOBBI: (ENTERING, SINGING) Good morning, good morning. Come on, girls, jump in!
GRACE: Mom, there's no singing here.
KAREN: (SINGING) It's great to stay up late.
BOBBI and KAREN (BOTH SINGING): Good morning, good morning to you! [kiss kiss] Whoo! Whoo! Ha ha ha ha ha!
BOBBI: Mmm! Honey, I love you.
KAREN: Oh, honey, so do I.
BOBBI: (TO GRACE) Oh, let's go shopping. We'll spend your dowry. Might as well put it to some use.
GRACE: Ha. (STRAINED LAUGHTER) Ha ha ha. All right. Ok, mom, but before we go, get it out.
GRACE: What you've been dying to tell me ever since you got here.
BOBBI: Oh. Let's, see, I did the, uh, I did the office. I did the shoes. What did I leave out?
KAREN: Oh. And hair, makeup, combination skin--
GRACE: Hello! You work for me!
KAREN: That's what I'm doin', honey.
BOBBI: Honey, just tell me what you want me to criticize, and I'll do it. I want you to be happy.
GRACE: (STRAINED LAUGHTER) Ha ha ha. Ok, Mom, uh, you want to tell me that I should get my own place because I'm wasting my life and my time living with a gay man. So, come on, tell me.
BOBBI: Now, why would I say that? Will's great. I think you should live with Will as long as you want.
GRACE: Ok, I don't know what kind of sick game you're playing, lady, but I want no part of it.
BOBBI: But it's no game, dear. I love Will. As a matter of fact, what would really make me happy is if the two of you got married.
KAREN: Ha ha ha ha ha! I'd like to see that one. Ha ha ha ha ha!
GRACE: Wait. Wait. What? Mom. Mom, Will is gay.
BOBBI: Oh, I know that. I'm in the theater. That's why it's so perfect. You know, how long do you think the "sex thing" is going to last? Hmm? You see, the best relationship ends up like the two of you are now-- good friends. So jump in. I think a June wedding. I'd like to go strapless.
GRACE: Well, that would certainly fit in with no panties. Mom, you're insane. You know, I think that you may even have topped the time that you came onto my prom date as Zsa Zsa Gabor.
BOBBI: (IMITATING ZSA ZSA) Oh, but, darling, I adored his ruffled shirt.
JACK: (ENTERING) Ladies and gentlemen, fresh from 45 minutes of butt-robics, I give you... my ass. (JACK TURNS AROUND AND PRESENTS HIS ASS)
BOBBI: You must be Jack.
JACK: And you must be-- Bobbi Adler? Of course. Fabuloso Jewess from Schenectady. Loving you! Loving your whole tribe. Come here. Gimme a kiss.
BOBBI: Well, we'll start with that.
JACK: Anybody want to touch, feel, poke? (GRABBING HIS BUTT) Caress?
GRACE: Only if I can get a Silkwood scrub-down afterwards.
BOBBI: I'll take a shot (BOBBI MAN-HANDLES JACK'S BUTT)
JACK: Oh...you've done this before, haven't you?
GRACE: Ok, that just bought me 5 years on the couch.
BOBBI: (TO GRACE) Come on, honey, we're going shopping, and we'll get you a nice yellow blouse, on me.
GRACE: And since I hate yellow, that's exactly where it'll end up-- on you.
(BOBBI and GRACE leave for lunch.)
JACK: (NOTICING THE MUFFINS) Ooh! Free food.
KAREN: (TO JACK) Thank God they're gone. Listen, Jack, I need to talk to you about something. It's kind of important.
JACK: I'm all ears. And one high butt.
KAREN: Well, actually, it's kind of a funny story. A few weeks ago it was Stan's birthday, and I forget to get him a present. I mean, how am I supposed to remember something like that?
KAREN: Anyway, long story short, I think I might be pregnant. Heh heh. Oh...
JACK: Oh, Karen, I-- I... I hope you don't forget my birthday.
SCENE IV: Will's Apartment
(WILL, BOBBI, KAREN, JACK are at the table playing cards.)
BOBBI: (IMITATING MAE WEST) Ok, boys, last card. Dull and dirty. And feel free to come down and get me dirty sometime.
KAREN: Ha! Gin! (PUTS DOWN HER CARDS AND REACHES FOR THE MONEY)
WILL: Well, I'll be darned. That is gin. It's too bad the rest of us are playing poker.
KAREN: Yeah, that is too bad.
WILL: No, Karen, we're all playing poker, even you.
KAREN: Wow. The gays really love their rules.
WILL: What do you got, Jack?
JACK: One pair. Of fabulous cheeks. Ha ha ha! Oh... I got nothin'.
WILL: Well... read 'em and weep, ladies. Full house. Aces over 10s.
BOBBI: Oh, poor little old me, and all I have is these little 2s.
BOBBI: 4 of these little 2s.
WILL: Mother...Adler wins again. Well, I think I'm gonna have a drink. Who's with me?
KAREN: Martini, honey, and don't waste any space with those olives.
JACK: (TO WILL) Hang on. She'll have a ginger ale. Karen, we talked about this. (MIMING DRINKING, THEN A DEFORMED BABY) Waah! Waah!
KAREN: Jack, I don't even know if I'm... (MIMING ROCKING A BABY) yet.
JACK: Well, when are you gonna take the... (ELABORATE MIMING...)
KAREN: Look, Mummenschantz... (SOTTO) I don't want to take that test, ok?
BOBBI: (WHISPERING TO KAREN) Honey, have you found yourself in a family way?
KAREN: Oh, no, no, no. But I think I might be pregnant.
GRACE: (ENTERING) Hi. Sorry I'm late.
KAREN: Yeah. Join the club.
BOBBI: (TO GRACE) You know, honey, I think I liked you better with your hair straighter.
GRACE: Ching! Ching! Right off the mom shield.
WILL: (TO GRACE) Miss Kitty there is winning back your college tuition.
BOBBI: (TO GRACE) Oh, honey, would you tell him about the time I played poker with that Neil Farber and left him nothing but his skivvies.
GRACE: She left Neil Farber with nothing but his skivvies. Ok, everyone up to speed on that one? Good. (TO WILL) Oh. By the way, Will, guess what Mrs. Bobbi Adler, the loin of my fruits, suggested to me this afternoon?
WILL: Um, "stop calling me the loin of your fruits"?
KAREN: No, honey. She said that you and Grace should get married.
WILL: Ha ha ha ha! Grace and me?
BOBBI: Just a suggestion.
JACK: I think it's a wonderful idea. She'll make such a beautiful bride. Grace, you'll look pretty, too.
KAREN: Oh! Ha ha ha ha!
GRACE: Yeah. This would be us 3 weeks in: "Honey, I'm having an affair."
WILL: "Me, too."
GRACE: "His name is Donald."
WILL: "Me, too!"
KAREN: Can't you just hear it? "Will, you may now kiss the beard."
WILL: I mean, it's so absurd. Even if I was straight, I wouldn't marry Grace.
(EVERYONE LAUGHS, EXCEPT FOR GRACE.)
SCENE V: A Restaurant
(BOBBI and GRACE are sitting at a table.)
GRACE: I mean, if I were gay, I would marry him. I mean, if I were a gay man. And I lived in Amsterdam. Or ancient Greece. And... You know what I mean.
BOBBI: Honey, maybe you're just needy. You see, when you're with a man, what you need to do is find out what he--
GRACE: No. No. No. Thank you. Anything but relationship advice from you.
WAITER: Ladies, are you ready to order?
GRACE: Uh...I'm not-- I'm not eating.
WAITER: And your sister?
BOBBI: Sister?! Ha ha! Well, honey, I mean, I love you.
(THE WAITER CHUCKLES)
BOBBI: I'll have an order of you to go.
WAITER: (CHUCKLING) Why don't I give you ladies a few minutes to decide.
BOBBI: All right. Cute, cute.
GRACE: Why won't I take your advice? That's why.
BOBBI: Well, what was I gonna do, dear, ignore him? He was flirting with me. It's my youthful skin. It's the only thing that dreadful grandmother of yours gave me.
GRACE: Mom...mom, what I'm trying to say to you is that... You always need to be the center of attention. In a restaurant, in your marriage. You always have to be the star.
BOBBI: God cast me in the role.
GRACE: You know, Will has a theory about relationships. One person is the gardener who tends, and the other person is the flower who gets tended to. And, Mom, I say this with love. You're a big, stinkin' rose.
WILL: (SITTING DOWN) Sorry, ladies. My turn to be late.
BOBBI: No, you're just in time. My daughter's hating me for lunch.
GRACE: (TO BOBBI) I don't hate you. (TO WILL) I hate you.
WILL: This is gonna be a pleasant lunch. What's everybody having?
GRACE: I'm not eating, my mother's having the snapper, and why the hell wouldn't you marry me?!
WILL: Can I at least have a breadstick first? (PICKS UP A BREADSTICK)
GRACE: No. (GRACE CRUMBLES WILL'S BREADSTICK.) Why wouldn't you marry me?
WILL: You're just not my type of woman. Ok? I prefer...someone taller. And, uh, with a hairy chest. Ha!
BOBBI: Ha ha-- (LOOKS AT GRACE AND ABRUPTLY STOPS LAUGHING) It's funny. Well, ignore me. Keep going.
GRACE: You said specifically that if you were straight, you wouldn't marry me, and I'm just curious as to why. Huh? Why? Huh? Why, huh?
WILL: All right. I'm not gonna talk to you when you're like this. Ok?
GRACE: Ok. Ok, you're right. You're right. I'm--I--I--I'm just overreacting. But, look, I really think it would be good for me to know, so... so, please, tell me.
WILL: It's nothing. It's nothing to do with our relationship. It has more to do with the way you are with your boyfriends. Do you really want to discuss this in front of your mother?
BOBBI: Oh, please. I used to take her temperature in the tushy. Nothing shocks me. Just ignore me. Go, go, go, go, go.
GRACE: How am I with my boyfriends?
WILL: You know how you are.
GRACE: Obviously I don't. How am I? Will?
WILL: Ok. You have a tendency... You kind of need to be the star of your relationships, you know? I mean, it's all about your stuff. Your boyfriends are like gardeners, and you're sort of--
GRACE: No, no, no. No, no, no, no. Do not call me a flower. I am not a flower. I am a gardener, damn it. I do plenty of hoeing!
BOBBI: That's just what a mother likes to hear.
GRACE: Ok, ok, you know what? You know what? I think I am just-- I am done with this-- This lovely lunch. I do not have to sit here and be criticized and insulted by my best friend. That is why my mother is in town.
WILL: Grace, you asked me a question.
GRACE: You are describing the wrong person at this table. I--I--I am giving and nurturing and loving and selfless with my boyfriends. I, Will Truman, am no star.
(GRACE STANDS UP, PUTS HER SUNGLASSES ON, FLIPS HER SCARF AROUND HER NECK, THEN STRUTS OUT OF THE RESTAURANT WITH HER NOSE IN THE AIR.)
SCENE VI: Grace's Office
(KAREN and JACK are waiting. A bell dings.)
JACK: Oh, that's 15 minutes.
KAREN: Yeah. So, uh, if the stick is blue... we're pregnant.
(JACK and KAREN both pick up pregnancy tests.)
JACK: Well, nothing doing on mine. Karen?
KAREN: Oh, nothing here either. Well, thank god for that. Oh...
JACK: You ok?
KAREN: Ok? Oh, honey, I'm relieved. I can't have a kid right now. We just recarpeted.
JACK: Well, you know, I knew there'd be nothing on mine. I mean, I'm not insane. It's just... Still, I'm a little... Sad.
KAREN: Oh, honey. Well, here. Take my platinum. Charge yourself a little happy.
JACK: No, thanks. I think I'm just gonna hit the gym and work out some of these feelings...in my delts. Uh, don't hate me for doing this, but... (GIVES KAREN A BIG HUG) I love you. (JACK EXITS.)
KAREN: (DIALING PHONE) Hello, Stan? Hi. Put your kids on. I want to talk to them. (BEAT) Yes, I'm serious!
SCENE VII: Will's Apartment
(GRACE is sitting on the floor reading her old diaries.)
GRACE'S VOICE: "April 16, 1980. Dear diary, well, tonight was really my night. Adam and I won best couple at the Hawthorne junior high prom. Adam looked like Adam, but everyone said I looked like Debbie Harry, only prettier and with red hair. How psyched am I?!"
GRACE: Eew. (PICKS UP ANOTHER DIARY.)
GRACE'S VOICE: "June 5, 1995. Tonight was really my night. Danny got promoted to vice president of his investment firm at the company dinner. Everyone told him how lucky he is to have a girlfriend like me. I'm so proud of him. I love the dress that I wore, and my new shoes--ooh la la."
GRACE: How did I get like this?
BOBBI (ENTERING): Well, tonight was really my night. I was walking down Columbus, and these kids were shooting a commercial about-- I don't know what. It was juice or pants or something. Anyway, they put me in it. Your mother's gonna be on TV. Ha ha ha! They even gave me a line: "It's chew-rific!"
GRACE: I'm guessing it wasn't pants.
BOBBI: Hey, look, Grace. I know that you've been sitting in here ever since lunch scared to death about turning into me.
GRACE: No. I already know I'm you. What I'm scared of is... What that means for my romantic life. I mean, I can't even get a gay guy to hypothetically marry me.
BOBBI: Let me tell you something, dear. I joke about your father, but I love him. You can ask him anytime, day or night, who is the love of his life, and he'll say, "I married her. And move over. You're blocking the TV."
GRACE: Maybe you just got really lucky.
BOBBI: No. No, I'm not lucky. I'm terrific. And you're terrific, Grace. Oh, honey, you are a wonderful woman. Grace... embrace who you are. (GRACE AND BOBBI HUG.)
WILL: (ENTERING) I'm sorry. I must be in the wrong apartment. What's going on?
BOBBI: What's the matter with you, Will? How could you not marry my daughter?
WILL: Um...I'm gay (ALSO SPELLS "G-A-Y" IN SIGN LANGUAGE).
BOBBI: That's not the point. Where else could you be lucky enough to find a girl like this? Because, gardener, flower, star, co-star, call it whatever you want to-- it works for us Adler girls. (HUGS GRACE) Mmm!
GRACE: (AS BOBBI'S BRACELET GETS CAUGHT IN HER HAIR) Oh--oh-- Ok, Mom-- in the hair--
BOBBI: Oh, oh, I'm sorry.
GRACE: In the hair.
BOBBI: I'm sorry, dear. Oh, well, I'm late for my manicure. We'll meet for dinner at 8:00. Oh, that reminds me of a song. (SINGING) She gets too hungry for dinner at 8:00! (BOBBI EXITS.)