"My Fair Maid-y"

Episode #1.12
Original Airdate 2/2/99
Written by Adam Barr
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee

Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Gary Grubbs (Harlin Polk)

Wendie Jo Sperber (April)
Raphael Sbarge (Alex)
Burt Goodman (Design Critic)

SCENE I: Will's Apartment, Exterior Hallway
(WILL and JACK exit the ELEVATOR, outside WILL's apartment.)

JACK: So I go back in the bookstore this morning and I just ask him out.

WILL: Good for you, Jack. You actually got a date without the use of a modem and the cyber name "Butt Masterson."

JACK: At least I'm using my hard drive, Celibitcia. No, it's kinda romantic though. Our hands touched as we reached for a copy of "The Making of Beaches."

(WILL and JACK enter the Apartment, which is very messy.)

JACK: Holy dirty apartment, Fatman!

WILL: Yeah, amazing, isn't it? You can practically feel the presence of Fred Sanford hovering above us. (JACK AND WILL sing the "Sanford and Son" theme.)

WILL (Imitating Fred Sanford): Shut up, dummy!

JACK: So what happened in here, did Grace explode?

WILL: No, It's the annual Sublime Design Showcase. Interior designers display their work for all these big design critics, and basically, they decide who's hot and who's not. It's insanely competitive. Every year she takes a stab at it and never wins. She's the Susan Lucci of the design world. So we need to be really sensitive to that, ok?

GRACE (Entering from her bedroom, sobbing): You know, I can't-- There's no-- It won't... I'm sleeping-- Wake me-- Never! (EXITS BACK TO BEDROOM).

JACK: Looks like it's gonna be another disappointing year for La Lucci.


SCENE II: Will's Apartment
(GRACE is working at the table as WILL enters.)

GRACE: Oh, Good! You're back! Here, smell this. (HITS PAPER TOWARDS WILL) Stinks, doesn't it? Yeah, you were probably riding up in the elevator thinking, "what died?" Well, don't worry. It's just my creativity rotting and stinking in my skull.

WILL: So you've had coffee?

GRACE: Then I started popping No-Doze. Now I'm hating myself really fast.

WILL: So I'm guessing the chocolate-covered espresso beans were a bad idea.

GRACE: Oh, no, no, no, no. No, no, give that to me. Maybe I can get so speedy, I'll actually go back in time, you know, to when I was actually good.

WILL: Grace, look at this. This is good.

GRACE: Ohh! (CRUMBLING PAPER) It's horrible. But, you know what? I think I've finally pinpointed my problem. I suck.

WILL: Grace... You know how to do this.

GRACE: Yeah, when I am helping other people realize what they want. But when it's just me, nothing. I mean--I mean, I'm like one of those weird fish that you always see swimming next to the ass of a shark. That almost worked, didn't it?

WILL: No, you were going for a whole parasite thing. I was with you.

GRACE: The point is, I... have no vision. (A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.)

WILL: Grace, you have vision. Are you so blind you can't see that? (OPENS DOOR.)

APRIL: Hi. Uh, I'm--I'm April. The service sent me.

WILL: Oh, great. I'm--I'm Will, and, uh, that mess over there is Grace.

APRIL: Uh-huh.

WILL: Grace, this is gonna cheer you up.

GRACE: A short brunette woman? Come on, Will, I tried that in college, remember? It really wasn't my thing.

APRIL: Well, I hope you have your own cleaning supplies 'cause I'm not packing. It's a little industry joke.

WILL: Oh. Ha ha. That's a little industry laugh. Um... Under the sink.

GRACE: Huh? Will, what is this?

WILL: I got you a cleaning woman. I know you can only work when things are neat and clean and orderly.

GRACE: Uh, no, Anal Annie, that's you. It's gonna blow my vibe having someone puttering around while I'm trying to work.

WILL: Excuse me, but what vibe are we blowing here? I mean, you've been up for 3 days, and all you've drawn is an outline of your hand... (HOLDING UP PICTURE) made into a turkey.

GRACE: It was supposed to be a cow. (SOBBING) See, I told you I suck!

WILL: No, honey, it's not-- (TURNING PAPER UPSIDE-DOWN) Look, see, it's a cow. All right, look, I gotta go. She'll do her thing, she'll stay out of your way, you do yours, and if you hit a rough spot, just-- It's easy, just think of your mother's taste, you know, and then go the other way. (WILL EXITS.)

APRIL: Uh, excuse me, this was crumbled up on the floor. You didn't want to throw this out, did you?

GRACE: Oh, uh, that's just, um, that's garbage.

APRIL: Oh, really? Looks pretty good to me. What is it?

GRACE: It's a meditation room. It was an early, tragic idea. No, actually, the pop-up bidet was tragic. This is just bad. Bad, Bad, bad. Oh, god!

APRIL: Hey, hey, come on, Get up. Let me show you something I learned in the coast guard. Come on, up, up, up!

GRACE: No, no, no.

APRIL: No, no, no, Come on, get up. Shh! First, you close your eyes. Then you get to a really quiet place. Breathe in... (QUIETLY) Calm and serene, you're peaceful, and let it out. (SCREAMING) Aah!


SCENE III: Will's Office
(ALEX is present.)

ALEX: You know, when we met at the bookstore, I have to say, I would never have guessed that you were a lawyer.

(WILL's chair turns around to reveal...)

JACK: Probably because I look so young. Ooh, ha ha ha. Actually, I passed the bar the first time I took it, and, um, funny story, John-John was taking it the same day I was, (WHISPERING) for the third time. (NORMAL VOICE) And, what do you know? I mean, he just sits right down next to me, and this time he passes. Uh, I'm not gonna say anything else. You're a smart guy, Alex. You connect the dots.

ALEX: So, what kind of law do you practice?

JACK: I don't practice, I just do. But I don't want to talk about me anymore. You're out of order! Ha ha ha ha. So, how's grad school?

ALEX: Oh, no, it's not bad. I mean, I'm working on my dissertation, and every now and then, I get to meet a cute intellectual type at a bookstore.

JACK: You do? Oh, me! Oh, I'm sorry. Of course, me the brainiac. (TYPING ON COMPUTER) Ha ha. (STAPLING PAPERS) We smartys love to staple.

WILL (Entering his office): Excuse me?

JACK: Will, you're here. Uh, well, It's about time. You call yourself an assistant?

WILL: Actually, no.

JACK: Well, I wouldn't either, given the way you just abandoned the phones like that. (TO ALEX) Alex, this is my assistant Will. (TO WILL) Will, I'm a lawyer, and this is Alex. From the bookstore.

WILL: Oh, hi, Alex. Hi. (TO JACK) Sorry I'm late... Lawyer McFarland. The sign in front with your name on it must have fallen down. I've been looking everywhere for it.

JACK: Right, uh, get that fixed... Immediately. (TO ALEX) Got to give him something to do. Ok, uh, Alex, will you give me and Will a minute, please? We gotta go over some, uh...

WILL: Torts?

JACK: Oh, no, thanks. We're gonna go for Chinese.

ALEX: Well, I'll--I'll just--I'll wait out front. (TO WILL) Nice to meet you, Will.

WILL: You, too.

JACK: Ok, ok, I'm sorry. Please don't be mad. Don't be mad. Just listen. I had to tell him I was something. I mean, he calls me today and wants to meet me in my office for lunch. How hot is that?

WILL: Must be nice to have finally met someone that likes you for who you are.

JAKC: Yeah, it's nice, but listen, please, don't say anything. I promise I'll tell him. I just got to find the right moment.

WILL: Well, maybe during lunch, you know, when he finds out that McFarland can't afford the McNuggets because he's a McLiar. (WILL GIVES JACK SOME MONEY.)


SCENE IV: Grace's Office.
(GRACE and WILL are at their desks.)

GRACE: I hate myself.

KAREN: Of course you do, honey. How could anybody be happy in bat mitzvah ruffles? Why don't you run home and change, hmm? I think we'll both feel better.

GRACE: I'm gonna have a quick cry in the swatch room. (EXITS TO SWATCH ROOM WITH BOX OF TISSUE.)

KAREN: Honey, you still test driving those anti-depressants? 'Cause I think it's time to buy.

APRIL (Entering office): Um, am--am I in the right place, Grace Adler Designs?

KAREN: Right place, wrong outfit. What's it all about, honey?

APRIL: Well, I'm-- I'm-- I'm April, (SHAKING KAREN'S HAND) Grace's cleaning lady.

KAREN: Cleaning la-- (SNATCHES HER HAND AWAY) Hey! You shouldn't be talking. Get to work! Start with that big table there. There's a phone in there somewhere. It's been ringing all morning. It's driving me nuts.

GRACE (Exiting from Swatch Room): April, what are you doing here?

APRIL: Oh, you didn't leave the key for me.

GRACE: Oh, gosh, sorry. Here it is.

KAREN (Sotto, To GRACE): Hey, hey, hey, hey, what are you doing? You're giving the maid a key? You're gonna be buying your jewelry back from hobos. Ohh!

GRACE: Karen, why don't you go to lunch?

KAREN: Well, honey, it's 10:00 in the morning.

GRACE: In Boston.

KAREN: Oh, ha ha ha ha ha. Honey, that is so... Eh... ok. (KAREN LEAVES FOR LUNCH.)

APRIL: Oh, great, you're working on that piece you threw out yesterday.

GRACE: Yep. I'm seeing if I can make it worse. I think I did it. Yep, I designed a meditation room that can move the Dalai Lama to bitch-slap Richard Gere.

APRIL (Rolling eyes): Yawn.

GRACE: Excuse me?

APRIL: You're boring. I hate people getting down on themselves.

GRACE: Ohh! Well, you would get down on yourself, too, if you--

APRIL: If what? If I had your talent? Uh-uh. When I get down on myself, my mom had this saying that always made me feel better. Let me see how she put it. Let me see if I can get it right. (SCREAMING) Aaaahhhh!

GRACE: Your mother wasn't Sam Kinison, by any chance, was she?

APRIL: What does it say on your door? It doesn't say (WHINING) "Grace Adler Whines." It says "Grace Adler Designs." So--so quit beating yourself up and just do it.

GRACE: But I can't--

APRIL: Do it! Do it!

GRACE: Ok, ok! You know, Mary Poppins got the same message across, but she did it in a nice little musical number. You're like... you're like a spoonful of whup-ass.


SCENE V: Grace's Office.
(GRACE and KAREN are at their desks. APRIL is reading a magazine.)

GRACE: You know what i can do? I could add the element of scent, an aromatherapy machine that would-- ohh! That's stupid. People will think--

APRIL (Imitates buzzer): EHHH!!

GRACE: I'm brilliant.

KAREN: (SIGHS) God, can't we just trade her in for a buzzer?

WILL (ENTERING): Good morning, ladies. (BEAT) Karen. (WILL GRABS GRACE'S CHAIR AND ROLLS IT INTO THE SWATCH ROOM.) Ok, you bring April to work once, I can accept that. Twice, no problem. I can fold my own socks, but 5 days a week? Grace, I've got mold on my shower curtain that is--that is in escrow.

GRACE: Will, I can't explain it, but whenever she's around, I--I get the most amazing ideas. Will, you have to trust me on this. I can't do this without her.

WILL: Let me get this straight. You can't design without our maid?

GRACE: Exactly.

WILL: I've heard about this. It's called the Hazel syndrome. They'll explain it all to you in the nervous hospital, Blanche. (SOUTHERN ACCENT) Yeah, these fingernails will have to be trimmed. (NORMAL VOICE) You're a brilliant designer. Why do you need this?

GRACE: I just do. Why can't you be a little more supportive about it?

WILL: Ok, here's me being supportive. Grace, you're a little--(WHISTLES "CUCKOO")--ok? You're relying on our maid to do your job. I mean, d-d-d-did Mr. Brady ask Alice to help with the architecture?


SCENE VI: Grace's Office.
(APRIL goes to front room to get a drink of water. KAREN follows her.)

KAREN: I've got your number, sister. I've seen "All about Eve."


KAREN (Imitating Bette Davis): Poor, Eve. (NORMAL VOICE) Yeah, that's right, go ahead. Play the poor, naive little maid with a heart of gold. But I've got Grace's back! Trust me. You're not going to win the Tony in this version.

APRIL: I don't know what you're talking about. I just wanna help Grace.

KAREN: Ohh! Whew. You're good.


SCENE VII: Will's Office
(WILL is working at his desk when JACK enters wearing a jogging outfit.)

JACK: Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up! He's gonna be here any minute. (JACK PUTS ON A SHIRT, JACKET AND TIE.)

WILL: Who?

JACK: Don't play games with me! Alex. Come on, Will, he's the one. I'm sure of it this time.

WILL: I thought Robert was the one.

JACK: Robert was cute. I should call him. Get up! Get up! Get up! Get up!

WILL: Look, I thought you were gonna tell Alex that you are not a lawyer.

JACK: I lied, forgive me. I was in character.

WILL: Why should I do this?

JACK: Look at me, Will. Think of how many funny little Jack stories you can spin out of this predicament. This is Grade-A fodder for a bitch like you.

WILL: Have a seat, boss.

JACK: Thanks. Ok, how do I look?

WILL: Great. Who'd have thought that you could put clothes on that fast. Excuse me, Mr. Lawyer, is this your bike lock?

JACK: Excuse me, but can I just be alone in my office for a minute, please?

WILL: Sure. No, I just thought, you know, with your bike lock here and your bike out there, as a good assistant, I should mention that.


(JACK runs to the closed window, slamming into it. He opens the window and climbs out with the bike lock.)

WILL: So much fodder, so little time... (OPENS DOOR) Alex, come on in. Jack's just locking up... a deal. He'll be-- He'll be back in.

ALEX: So, what's, uh, Jack like as a boss?

WILL: Imperious. (ENGLISH ACCENT) Very much the queen bee.

JACK (Entering from hall): Oh, Alex, what a surprise. I'm a little out of breath.

WILL: Oh, hung jury?

JACK: You're a pig, get out!


JACK: (TO ALEX, LOOKING AT THIS JOGGING PANTS:) Oh, the pants. Uh, yeah, I'm just, uh, running from case to case. Ahem. So, how you doing?

ALEX: I'm ok.

JACK: Great. Let me just check my call sheet, and we'll grab a little lunch.

ALEX: Actually, I just want to talk to you. Uh, listen, Jack, you're a great guy, but--

JACK: I'm getting the great-guy-but speech, huh?

ALEX: It's just that you and I are in such different places in our lives. I mean, I'm kind of lost and aimless. I've got a new job every couple of weeks. You're like this buttoned-up professional--stable, mature, goal-orientated, responsible.

JACK: Uh, no, I'm not a lawyer. I'm a liar.

ALEX: Jack, it's not gonna work out.

JACK: All right, I see. Then I think you should go. I got a lot on my plate right now, and I'd probably break your heart anyway.

ALEX: Uh, listen, One more thing. It's a little awkward, but, um, I wonder if you could fix me up with your assistant?

JACK: My assist-- Will? No--

ALEX: Well, he just seems a little lost, like me, and--and I kinda like that.



SCENE VIII: Sublime Design Showcase, Grace's Exhibit
(GRACE and KAREN are setting up.)

GRACE: Where is she? Where is April?

KAREN (Imitating Bette Davis): Poor, Eve.

GRACE: Will you stop doing that? She knows it's this evening. Where could she be?

KAREN: I can't say that I'm surprised. I mean, you can take the maid out of the house, but you can't take ... the, uh...

GRACE: Karen, if-if this is you helping, stop helping.

KAREN: Well, I... (TRIPPING ON THE ROCKS) You know what those rocks need? A little scotch. Listen, Grace, um, I just wanted to point out that after all of your "April this" and "April that," who is here for you in your hour of need? Me, huh? And who will always be there for you? (HOLDS HAND TO HER EAR) Huh? What? Oh, yeah, it's me.

GRACE: Thank you, Karen. I really appreciate it (MOVES TO HUG KAREN).

KAREN: Anyway, look, I gotta run. I got a salt scrub in an hour (QUICKLY EXITS).

GRACE (Sighing): This is wrong. It's all wrong. (TO PILLOW) I mean, you, you are so wrong there.

WILL (Entering): Talking to pillows, Grace? Wow! You're like the Dr. Doolittle of furniture. What are you doing?

GRACE: We had 5 different options for a floor plan. April was supposed to be here early so we could agree on one. I've had to do it all by myself, and, look, look. It's--it's just--it's crap!

WILL: It's fantastic.

GRACE: Oh, what do you know?

WILL: Well, maybe a little bit more than the maid. I am gay, after all.

GRACE: Ok, maybe I should try the second choice. Here, help me move the tantra chest.

WILL: No. Grace, What are you doing? Just leave it.

GRACE: Ohh! It's gonna look better over here.

WILL: Would you leave it where it is?

GRACE: Stop it!

WILL: Why do I feel like I'm in a shooting gallery?

GRACE: Ugh! Screens? What was I thinking? It's like a--like a bad Chinese restaurant.

WILL: Ok, getting a little angry here in the meditation room. Is that what you were going for?

GRACE: Do you want to help me? You will get April on the phone.

WILL: Well, you can stop saying that, because she's not coming.

GRACE: How do you know?

WILL: Because I paid her not to come.

GRACE: What?

WILL: You don't need her, Grace. You did this whole room yourself.

GRACE: You paid April not to come? Oh, my-- Ok, Will, tell me, how much does my public humiliation go for these days?

WILL: 100 bucks...and a coupon for a free mop. Look, you're being ridiculous. She didn't do anything, except go "aah!"

GRACE: Oh, don't you dare mock the "aah!"

WILL: I have no connection to the "aah!"

GRACE: You resent the "aah!" You fear the "aah!"

WILL: Ok, look, I'm gonna stop doing this right now, because frankly... it's a little embarrassing. You're brilliant. I've told you this all week long. But for whatever reason, you won't listen to me.

GRACE: Will, you are wrong! This isn't good!

MAN: Actually, he's right.

GRACE (TO MAN): Oh, who the hell are you?!

MAN: I'm the design critic from East Coast Living.

GRACE (CALMLY, SMILING): Welcome to my meditation space.

(Same scene, later, after the show. WILL and GRACE are sitting in the meditation room.)

WILL: Well, congratulations. You kicked boot-ay. Say it, "I kicked boot-ay."

GRACE: I kicked bootie.

WILL: I think now I sense you're going to thank me.

GRACE: Uh, no, because, actually, I'm still mad at you.

WILL: No, correction. You want to be mad at me, but you can't, because A--I was right, But B--this meditation room is just too good. Peace, oneness. (CHANTING) Ommmmmm!

GRACE: Thank you. (CHANTING) Ommmmmmm!

WILL (CHANTING): Let's go hommmmmme.

GRACE (CHANTING): Why hommmmmmme?

WILL (CHANTING): There's a rock in my bummmmmmm!

GRACE (CHANTING): At least it's not your thummmmmmb!

WILL (CHANTING): Now it's going nummmmmmmb!