"Will on Ice"

Episode #1.11
Original Airdate 1/12/99
Written by Michael Patrick King
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee

Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)

Rudy Galindo (himself)
Chuck Roy (Popcorn vendor)

SCENE I: Will's Apartment
(GRACE is making coffee. WILL enters from his bedroom.)

GRACE: Good morning.

WILL: Bad morning. I just found a gray chest hair. So depressing. I went to bed young, and I woke up Ari Onassis. [IMITATING ARI] Jackie! Get on the boat!

GRACE: You know I'm gonna have to see it.

WILL: Later, when I'm less vulnerable.

GRACE: Will, it's one chest hair.

WILL: I only have 7. I don't like those odds.

GRACE: Listen to me, pops. This isn't about The chest hair. It's about your birthday next week.

WILL: No, it's about the chest hair. Ok, 90% chest hair, 10% birthday.

GRACE: 70% birthday, 30% chest hair.

WILL: 80-20.

GRACE: 60-40.

WILL: 50-50's my final offer.

GRACE: Sold! To the guy in the kitchen. So. What do you want to do this year? I want you to have a fun birthday.

WILL: Grace, you know me. I've never really been that into birthdays.

GRACE: That's not true. I've seen all your home movies. You've had some fun birthdays. Remember the one where your brothers dressed you up in your mom's clothes? That seemed like a fun birthday.

WILL: Yeah. That wasn't a birthday. That was, um... like, a Thursday. So glad my dad captured that one on film. The only worse thing on film is my 8th birthday party. You didn't see this one. I really wanted a cowboy party. You know, like, a cowboy cake? I really loved cowboys. Still do, by the way.

GRACE: You don't have to tell me. I've seen the magazines.

WILL: But, no, no, no. My mom gave me a clown party.

GRACE: Ugh! I hate clowns. They think they're so funny.

WILL: I just fake-smiled my way through the whole thing. And then when I realized there wasn't going to be a cowboy cake, I snuck up to my room and hid.

GRACE: Oh, Will, that's so... "Party of Five." So what do you want to do this year?

WILL: Uh, I don't-- just-- let's go to a restaurant. Nothing big. Something mellow. You, me, and Jack.


WILL: What was that?

GRACE: Nothing.

WILL: You made a face.

GRACE: Face?

WILL: Hello! I'm standing right here within face-viewing range.

GRACE: Ok. I don't think Jack likes me.

WILL: Ohh! What are you talking about? Jack loves you.

GRACE: No. Jack loves you. I came along with the deal. See, you're the hamburger, and I'm that little cup of cole slaw. You don't order it, but--pfft-there it is on the plate.

WILL: Gracie, all I want for my birthday is for you and Jack to get along.

GRACE: Deal. Let me see it. [WILL SHOWS GRACE THE CHEST HAIR] Could be worse.

WILL: How? How could it be worse? [GRACE GLANCES DOWN AT HIS CROTCH] Oh! Come on, Grace, I'm eating breakfast!


SCENE II: Will's Office
(WILL is present. JACK enters.)

JACK: I need you make a decision for me, and I need you to make it now.

WILL: Don't have the sex change. They never work out.

[JACK exits, slamming the door.]

JACK: [THROUGH THE DOOR] Say you're sorry.

WILL: Sorry.

JACK: [RE-ENTERING OFFICE] Ok. I've narrowed your birthday festivities down to a couple of choices. Pick one. Drinks and dancing at The Spear.

WILL: Oh, no, no. That bar is pure skank. It's no place to spend my birthday. It's more like a place to spend...your birthday.

JACK: [PICKING UP THE PHONE] Vicious, party of one. Vicious, party of one. [TO WILL] Ok, second-- and this is the one I'm really pulling for-- you and me on a gay singles weekend cruise. Kind of a cruise...to cruise.

WILL: Oh, yeah, that's where I want to be-- on a boat in the middle of the ocean, surrounded by a thousand, lonely, sea-sick queens, weeping into their guacamole.

JACK: All right. You know what? That's it. I'm done trying. Make your own kind of music, sing your own special song.

WILL: Jack, don't make a big deal. All I want is a nice little dinner-- Just you and me and Grace.

JACK: Uhh...

WILL: What's that? What's with the face?

JACK: I don't like Grace.

WILL: What are you talking about? You like Grace.

JACK: Yeah, I know. I'm sorta not into her right now.

WILL: Sort of not into her? She's a person, not tandoori chicken. What's the problem?

JACK: Ever since she's moved in, I never get any me time.

WILL: Oh, Jack. All your time is "me time." Can you try to make a little more effort with Grace, please?

JACK: All right, fine. But for the record, I've made an effort. Do you think I really enjoy debating velvet versus velour?

WILL: You love that stuff.

JACK: Hey, I'm not that gay. [JACK EXITS THE OFFICE.]

WILL: Yes, you are.


SCENE III: Will's Apartment
(JACK, WILL, and GRACE sitting at the table, drinking coffee. JACK is slurping his coffee. Grace is rattling her teaspoon on the table.)

WILL: It's good coffee. Hmm?

GRACE: Really good.

WILL: Grace... [PUTS HIS HAND ON GRACE'S SPOON] Jack hates flavored coffees, too.

GRACE: Really?

WILL: Yeah.

GRACE: Jack, so do I.

JACK: Yeah. Will just told me that a minute ago.

WILL: You know, guys, my birthday's not for a week. Let's save some of the merriment till then, huh? I know what we can do. Let's get Entertainment Weekly and play my favorite new game: Love Her/Hate Him.

JACK: I'm gonna watch TV.

GRACE: You're gonna be missing out. It's a fun game, Jack.

JACK: I know it's fun. I invented it.

GRACE: [SOTTO, TO WILL] You hamburger. Me cole slaw.

WILL: Come on, Gracie. It's your turn to be the official page turner/pointer.


WILL: Mmm.

GRACE: Hate her.

WILL: Wow. That's kinda harsh. I mean, she's not very--

GRACE: Will, you know the rules. Love or hate, no gray area, just like life.

WILL: Hate her.

GRACE: Good boy.


GRACE: [POINTING] Love her! Love, love, love her!

WILL: Who is it?

GRACE: Are you serious? It's Michelle Kwan.

WILL: Who? Michelle who?

GRACE: Michelle Kwan. Figure skater? Olympic silver medallist?

JACK: [STANDING UP] Goddess on ice!

GRACE: [TO JACK] You like...Michelle Kwan?

JACK: I love her!

GRACE: So! Do! I! She was so robbed at the Olympics!

JACK: Tell me about it!

GRACE: She's a billion times better than Tara Lipinski!

JACK: Don't even get me started with that little witch.

GRACE: She's cocky!

JACK: The cockiest. She's almost as cocky as Surya Bonaly.

GRACE: Oh, my god! The best! Surya Bonaly!

WILL: Who?

JACK and GRACE: Surya Bonaly!

JACK: She's French.

GRACE: She's powerful.

JACK: She's black.

GRACE: She wears blue eye shadow and does illegal backflips.

JACK: She scares me. I crave her...

GRACE: [TO JACK] You want a cookie?

JACK: Yeah!


WILL: Look at you two, huh? I knew you guys would connect. Just didn't think it would be over something as lame as ice skating.

JACK: [MOUTH FULL] Excuse me?

GRACE: [MOUTH FULL] Yeah, excuse me? What's so lame about ice skating?

WILL: Oh...everything. With the sappy music, the chiffon costumes. They put little matching fabric booties over their blades. Grace, I can't believe you're into it.

JACK: Oh, but you can believe I'm into it?! [WILL smiles.]


SCENE IV: Grace's Office
(GRACE is on the phone.)

GRACE: [ON PHONE] Hi. This is Grace Adler of Grace Adler Designs. I'd like a dinner reservation for 3 on Tuesday. It's my best friend's birth-- All booked up? Would it make a difference if I told you my best friend was Demi Moore? [BEAT] Believe me, I'm not crazy about her either. Ok. Bye. [HANGS UP]

KAREN: [ENTERING] Hi, honey.

GRACE: Oh. Look who's back from lunch just in time for dinner.

KAREN: Oh, honey, don't tell me. Tell those slow waiters at Barney's. So, honey, what happened? What went on? Who stopped by? What'd I miss?

GRACE: Well, I spent most of the afternoon trying to get a table at a good restaurant for Will's birthday.

KAREN: Honey, did you try Balthazar?

GRACE: Karen, Steak & Brew are spitting at me through the phone. How would I get a table there?

KAREN: Oh, Grace, I am your assistant. Now, I may not be a whiz at the... [POINTING]

GRACE: Computer.

KAREN: Or know how to work the... [POINTING]


KAREN: But, honey, I do know how to get where I need to be. Now hand me the--

GRACE: Phone.

KAREN: Well, honey, I would have gotten that one. [DIALING PHONE] ... [POINTING TO GRACE'S OUTFIT] Honey, what's this? [TO PHONE] Yeah. Who's this? Uh-huh. Well, get me Leonte. Yeah, well, tell him it's Karen Walker. [TO GRACE, RE: HER OUTFIT] Mm-hmm. Ok. I'm starting to get it. [KAREN SMACKS GRACE'S BUTT.] ... [TO LEONTE, ON PHONE] Oh, yeah. Hi, honey. Listen to me. I need your best table for dinner on...

GRACE: Tuesday.

KAREN: [ON PHONE] Tuesday.

GRACE: 9:00.


GRACE: Three people.

KAREN: Well, thank you, honey. I would love to come. [ON PHONE] Three.

GRACE: Oh--oh, no. Uh, wait. Will just wanted to have--

KAREN: Problem, honey?

GRACE: Um... Make it 4. Uh, Will's friend Jack may come along as well.

KAREN: Oh, fun. [TO PHONE] Make it 4. Uh-huh. You, too. Gotta go. Yeah--yeah. Leonte, honey, I'm busy. [HANGS UP PHONE] The French-- [SCOFFS] Stinky and muh-uhh-uhh...


SCENE V: Will's Office
(WILL is reading a newspaper. GRACE enters.)

GRACE: Put down the sports page and listen. You're only looking at the pictures anyway.

WILL: That is not true-- [GRACE TRIES TO GRAB THE NEWSPAPER] Hey! I'm a sports fan! I am a sport-- Look here. It says right here that the Steelers lost by 17 points to--to these big guys with the big arms.

GRACE: Guess where we are having dinner on your birthday.

WILL: Gracie, I don't care where we--

GRACE: Balthazar.

WILL: Wow. Caring a little more.

GRACE: Great food! Cute waiters! The oysters you love!

WILL: I love the oysters I love! How did you get us in?

GRACE: Karen! That's why she has to come along with us. [WILL MAKES A FACE] What? Wh-what's with the face?

WILL: Face?

GRACE: Hello. I'm standing right here within face-viewing range.

WILL: Karen? I mean, I don't really have anything in common with Karen.

GRACE: I'll cancel.

WILL: What am I saying?! It's Balthazar! It'll be great.

GRACE: Cute waiters serving the oysters you love.

WILL: Yeah. Do you suppose I could get the oysters to serve the cute waiters I love?


SCENE VI: Will's Apartment
(GRACE is at the table. WILL is in the kitchen; he carries a carton of milk to GRACE.)

WILL: Smell this. Is it bad? [GIVES GRACE THE MILK.]

GRACE: [SMELLING THE MILK] It's got 12 more hours.

WILL: How can you know that?

GRACE: It's a gift.


JACK: [TO GRACE] You are so gonna be loving me. You, me, Will, Karen, Madison Square Garden, "Champions on Ice."


JACK: Yes.


JACK: Yes!

GRACE: Oh, my god! OH! [JUMPS INTO JACKS ARMS, STRADDLING HIM] Champions on Ice! Oh, my god! I've always wanted to go! No!

JACK: Yes! How much are you loving me right now?!

GRACE: A lot! When?! When?! When?!

JACK: Tuesday night!

GRACE: Oh, my god! Tuesday night?! Yes! Oh, my god! Oh, my god! No! No, wait. No. We can't go Tuesday night. It's Will's birthday.

JACK: He doesn't care. He just wants us to get along. Plus, it's a chance to see Rudy Galindo in tights!

GRACE: No. I don't want to force Will to do something he doesn't want to do.

WILL: Grace, we can go. I don't care.

GRACE: No, sweetie. It's ok. It's not that big a deal.

WILL: Not that big a deal? You just jumped into Jack's arms. Last time a woman did that-- A woman has never done that.

GRACE: Really, Will? You're sure? And we can go to Balthazar's right after?

WILL: Mm-hmm.

GRACE: Oh, my god. Thank you. [HUGS AND KISSES WILL] Thank you. Thank you. Whoo! You're sure?

WILL: Yes! Yes, we're going. You, me, Jack, Karen, The Ice Capades.

GRACE and JACK [TOGETHER]: Champions on Ice!

WILL: Sorry.


SCENE VII: Madison Square Garden, Champions on Ice
(KAREN, WILL, GRACE, and JACK enter the stands. GRACE is wearing a Surya Bonaly shirt. JACK is wearing a Rudy Galindo shirt.)

KAREN: Well, this is a far cry from Balthazar. Who do I have to tip to get out? [TO PEOPLE IN THEIR ROW] Move! Legs! Legs! Move!

JACK: I'm here! I can't believe I'm here. It's all so wonderful.

WILL: Pace yourself, Dorothy. It's the Zamboni machine. [KAREN, WILL, GRACE, AND JACK SIT DOWN IN THEIR SEATS] Where's the popcorn guy? We're not gonna eat for 2 hours, I need popcorn.

KAREN: [TO WILL] Well, happy birthday.

WILL: Thanks.

KAREN: Here we are. Ha.

WILL: Yeah. Here we are.

KAREN: Happy birth-- Oh, we covered that. So, how old are you?

WILL: How old are you?

KAREN: [WHILE GLARING AT WILL] Grace, honey, how we doing over there?

GRACE: I'm doing great. Will, are you ok? Can you see?

WILL: Much as I need to. I don't want to get too close, I might get sequin blindness.

JACK: Hey! It's a sport. People win medals, huh? I'd like to see you do a double axel, double loop, double lutz, Mr. Man.

WILL: Oh, there he is. [TO VENDOR] Popcorn!


[KAREN opens her bag and pulls out a champagne bottle and a glass.]

GRACE: Karen, you brought champagne? What are you doing? You don't drink at Champions on Ice.

KAREN: Honey, don't think of it as drinking. Think of it as mommy's little cotton candy.

GRACE: Will, you don't look like you're having fun.

WILL: What are you talking about? I'm having a great time. Champions on Ice. [STANDING UP, SHOUTING] Whoo! Let's kick some butt! [SITTING DOWN] What? You said it was a sport.

KAREN: Will, honey, maybe a couple of belts of champagne will create the illusion that you're having fun.

WILL: Excuse me, I'm fine. Really, I just want a little popcorn.

[Music begins to play over the P.A.]

WILL: [TO VENDOR] Hey, popcorn!

GRACE: Oh, my god. I'm getting chills.

WILL: Here he comes. [TO VENDOR] Hey! Excuse me! [TO KAREN] Eh, He didn't hear me.

KAREN: Honey, I don't care.

ANNOUNCER [OVER P.A.]: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, please welcome the Champions on Ice.

JACK: Whoo!

GRACE: Whoo!

JACK: There they are, skating in the dark.

GRACE: I think I see Surya.

JACK: [GASPS] Don't tease me.

ANNOUNCER [OVER P.A.]: 2-time Olympic silver medallist, Elvis Stojko!


GRACE: Look at him! You wear those leather pants, Elvis!

ANNOUNCER [OVER P.A.]: And United States Champion, Rudy Galindo!


JACK: He's my hero! He's the gay one!

KAREN: One?!

JACK: Up here, Rudy! Whoo-hoo!

KAREN: Will, you don't seem like you're into this ice crap, either.

WILL: Not particularly, but... Grace and Jack love it so much, I just wanted them to have a good time.

KAREN: But, honey, it's your birthday. [HANDS HIM CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE] How about now?

WILL: Ok, now.

[Cut to same scene, later. Slow piano piece plays. Jack and Grace are crying, captivated by the show. Will and Karen are drinking champagne, bored.]

WILL: Yep. We get it, Surya. You can skate. [TO KAREN] How much longer is Champions on Ice?

KAREN: You mean, "Endless on Ice?"

WILL: Pretty soon, I'd better be looking at some oysters on ice. I'm starving.

KAREN: [SHOUTING, TO SURYA] Skate faster! We have reservations!

GRACE: [TO WILL] You're hating this, aren't you? Do you want to just go?

WILL: No, no, no. You guys are having fun. That's all I want. That and maybe a little... [YELLING] Popcorn!

GRACE: Are you sure? Because if you're not having-- [THE AUDIENCE STANDS UP, CHEERING; TO JACK] What? What? Did I miss the back flip?

JACK: No, no. Triple toe, Double loop. No flip yet. Maybe she won't do it.

GRACE: No. She's gonna do it. She didn't come all the way from France to not flip.

VENDOR: Popcorn!

WILL: [TO VENDOR] Yes! Popcorn! I've been calling you for like an hour.

VENDOR: Oh, so you were the one. I thought it was the 49,000 other people that are in here.

KAREN: [TO VENDOR] You don't have any brie and crackers in that thing, do you, honey?

VENDOR: I'm warming your brie right now, lady.

KAREN: [SCOFFS] Vendors.

WILL: [EATING THE POPCORN] Oh, this is, like, ancient. It's typical. Yeah. My birthday. Can't get what I want. Never do. [TO KAREN] One year, I wanted this cool red fire engine. My mother got me a water wiggle. Decided it would be more fun to slip 'n' slide. More fun for who?

JACK: Backflip. Backflip!



JACK: Oh...

GRACE: Oh... God, she faked us out.

WILL: Hello! You just knocked the popcorn out of my hand!

GRACE: Oh, I'm sorry, honey. I'll get you another one. [YELLING] Popcorn!

WILL: I don't want another popcorn. I want that popcorn.


JACK: Grace. Grace, she's gonna do it.

WILL: It took me 2 hours to get that guy's attention.

JACK: Grace.

WILL: It is my birthday. You think I could get a little attention on my birthday.

GRACE: Will--




GRACE and JACK: [TOGETHER, DANCING] Uh-huh. Oh, yeah. Uh-huh. Oh, yeah.

GRACE: Ok, and where did her legs go? Over her head! [TURNING TO WILL] Ok, you have to admit that was pretty d-- Will? [TO KAREN] Where did Will go?

KAREN: Oh, he left, honey.


JACK: [TO GRACE] What, are you insane? You're gonna miss Rudy!

KAREN: [TO GRACE] Honey! Where are you going? Don't leave me here with these ice freaks! [TO FAT LADY SITTING NEXT TO HER] Honey, this shirt on you is heaven. It's....


SCENE VIII: Will's Apartment, the Balcony
(WILL is sitting on the Balcony. GRACE enters the apartment, looking for WILL.)

GRACE [OFF SCREEN]: Will? Will? [ENTERING BALCONY] All right, so I think I got it now. When I ask and you say ok, and then I ask and you say ok, and then I ask and you say ok, it's really a cue to me to know it's not ok.

WILL: You see how easy it is?

GRACE: All right, Just so we're clear. You're insane.

WILL: I must be. Every year I end up doing what I don't want to do in order to make everybody else happy. I'm still an 8-year-old. An 8-year-old with gray chest hair.

GRACE: One. One gray chest hair.

WILL: Actually none. I tweezed it this morning. It was taunting me.

JACK [OFF SCREEN]: Hello! Hello? [GRACE AND WILL ENTER THE APARTMENT FROM THE BALCONY] Hi, guys. Yeah, I just came by to get my-- oh, here it is-- Entertainment Weekly magazine. Yeah. [LOOKING AT HIS SHIRT] Oh, my god, what is that? A Rudy Galindo autograph? Well, I'll be a rat's ass. How did that get there?

WILL: What'd you do, sign it yourself?

JACK: I didn't have to.

RUDY GALINDO: [ENTERING FROM THE HALL] Should I wait downstairs or what?

GRACE: Oh, my god. Rudy Galindo.

JACK: Rudy and I are gonna go for coffee and, um...

RUDY GALINDO: [TO WILL] Oh, happy birthday. [SOTTO, TO JACK] He does not look 46.

JACK: A lotta work.

[JACK and RUDY exit.]

WILL: Well, another memorable birthday for the books. Good night.

GRACE: Excuse me, mister, but your birthday's not over yet. Now, what did you tell me you wanted more than anything when you were a little boy? [OPENING REFRIGERATOR]

WILL: You don't have a "Josie and the Pussycats" lunchbox in there, do you?


WILL: My cowboy cake! Look at him! [PICKING UP A CANDY COWBOY]

GRACE: Do ya love it?

WILL: I love it so much I'm gonna sleep with it.

GRACE: Whatever gets you through the night.

WILL: Mm-hmm.

GRACE: You know... you're not 8 years old anymore. You can ask for what you really want.

WILL: All right. Next year...

GRACE: Mm-hmm?

WILL: I want a real cowboy.