Original Airdate 12/15/98
Written by David Kohan & Max Mutchnick
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Gary Grubbs (Harlin Polk)
Tom Gallop (Rob)
Leigh-Allyn Baker (Ellen)
Katie O'Rourke (Michelle)
Michael Lucas (Andy)
Anthony Paul Meindl (Cute Guy)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
(WILL, GRACE, ROB, ELLEN, ANDY, MICHELLE playing Pyramid.)
GRACE: Ok, she's a lawyer, and she pees with men.
WILL: Ally McBeal. Click.
GRACE: Yes. Oh! I can't stand him.
WILL: Dennis Miller.
GRACE: Yes. Oh. Uh, female singer--really, really skinny.
WILL: Uh, everybody that ever performed at Lilith Fair. Gonna need more...
GRACE: Uh, uh... If she misses her next meal, her heart won't go on.
WILL: [FRENCH ACCENT] Celine Dion!
MICHELLE: And time is up.
WILL and GRACE: Whoo hoo hoo hoo. Ooh.
MICHELLE: Ok, so let's see. We've got 30, and you have 217.
WILL: Hey. So you're in second place.
ANDY: Will, can I get a refill?
WILL: Coming up.
ELLEN: You know, Celine Dion was on Oprah the other day. Harry and I watched it together. I mean, how cute is that? I swear, he likes it.
MICHELLE: Our Lindsay doesn't like TV.
ANDY: She'd rather go to the park, play with her little friends.
WILL: Hey, how 'bout those Knicks? See how desperate I am to change the subject? I'm referencing sports.
ELLEN: All right. Sorry. Just one more little thing. Harry caught a ball for the first time, and I got it on videotape.
GRACE: Oh, my god, you got it on videotape? Will, she got it on videotape.
WILL: You didn't get it on videotape by any chance, did you?
ROB: Honey, you know, you play favorites, and I think Ronnie knows it.
ELLEN: No, I don't play favorites.
ROB: You play favorites.
ELLEN: No, no, no. She just...annoys me. [TO ALL] The bitch fights me when I put her in my car.
ROB: You have to call her a bitch?
ELLEN: She's a bitch, Rob.
ROB: Do you have to call her a bitch?
WILL: Do we have to spend another evening talking about everybody's dogs?
GRACE: You just feel guilty 'cause I'm ready for one and you're not.
WILL: That's just...that's just Grace's way of saying that her biological clock is...barking.
ELLEN: Will, you don't have to breed. I mean, there are lots of options. You can adopt.
WILL: Hey, look at the time. It's a quarter to get out!
SCENE II: The Dog Adoption Center
(GRACE, JACK, KAREN are looking at dogs.)
GRACE: I can't believe I let you drag me here, Jack. Will doesn't want a dog.
JACK: I know, I know. Please listen. I just spent the last 45 minutes listening to him rant about the evils of smell, stains, drooling, and shedding. I said, "It didn't seem to bother your ex-boyfriend." Ha ha ha ha! Oh, look, a lhasa apso.
GRACE: [PUPPY-TALK VOICE, TO A DOG] Hello, my little poop. Hello, my little smelly poop.
KAREN: Honey. Honey, the puppy talk... Really trying to keep the crab cakes down.
GRACE: But look how sweet he is sitting in his bowl.
KAREN: Yeah, he's gifted. [BEAT] Look, just pick one. Spay him, spray him, throw him in a bag, and let's get out of here!
GRACE: No. I told you, I can't get a dog.
JACK: Oh, come on, Grace. You have to for Will's sake. My God, they're total guy magnets. I once had a golden retriever, and the man candy he retrieved... golden! Ruff!
GRACE: Ho ho ho. Look, a chihuahua. Oh, look. He's looking right at me.
KAREN: Honey, he's got cataracts. He's looking at 2 to 3 months, tops. [TO CHIHUAHUA] Buenas noches.
GRACE: Oh, my god. I am done.
KAREN: Honey, come on, what's the problem? You can have anything you want. You just have to learn to compromise. I mean, take me and Stan. If he wants a little touchy-touchy... Well, if I cooperate, then I get a house in the Bahamas. It's tit for tat.
GRACE: I... I'm not sure what you're asking me to do here.
KAREN: Just pick out a freakin' dog, Grace.
SCENE III: Will's Apartment
(GRACE working on the couch. Enter WILL.)
WILL: Hey. Got Thai food. Again. Mainly because I'm obsessed with the yum yai salad. You know, it announces its own goodness right in its name: yum yai.
GRACE: Huh. You're kind of a geek. Ok, help me out here. What's a 4-letter word for elevator man?
GRACE: Wow. You're smart. [SOTTO] I got a dog.
GRACE: Yeah, you're really smart. You must have gotten really high scores on your SATs.
GRACE: He is the best. You're gonna love him. He is so cute. He--he even looks like you. He's got your eyes.
WILL: But damn it, Grace, I said no.
GRACE: And your fangs.
WILL: Where is he?
GRACE: He is somewhere taking up no space and being absolutely delightful. Come on, Will. Give it a chance. The woman at the adoption center said we can keep him for a week and then decide.
WILL: Grace, it's a dog, not the Runco Fry-Daddy.
GRACE: Come on, Eileen!
WILL: All right. You do what you want, but I just don't think it's fair to ask a dog to sleep outside, you know, when it's this cold out.
GRACE: The dog's not gonna sleep outside.
WILL: Oh, really? 'Cause I figured you'd want some company.
GRACE: Fine. Forget it. You're weird. And inhuman.
WILL: Grace, don't make a big thing. I told you I wasn't into dogs.
GRACE: Whatever. Never mind. I'll bring him back tomorrow.
WILL: Thank you.
[GRACE brings the PUPPY out from the bathroom.]
WILL: Is that him?
GRACE: No. It's veteran character actor Charles Durning. Now, can you just watch him, just for a minute? He just had some first-day jitters in my bathroom...
[GRACE puts the puppy on the couch with WILL.]
WILL: I just wish you understand a little bit where I'm coming from. When I said I wasn't a dog person, I meant it... [TO PUPPY] Herro... [PUPPY RUNS TO WILL'S LAP.] Oh, you had me at "herro." You had me at "herro."
SCENE IV: Will's Apartment
(WILL and GRACE enter with PUPPY.)
GRACE: Can we just talk about how many cute guys were swarming around you at the park?
WILL: [PUPPY TALK VOICE] They just wanted to see my sweet bundle of love.
GRACE: Yes, they did.
WILL: Could you believe when he almost caught that frisbee?
GRACE: That was my fault. I threw it too high.
WILL: By the way, I don't think it's such a great idea that you yell at him like that in front of the other dogs.
GRACE: Will, a light and breezy tone just doesn't cut it when he's eating a woman's blood pressure medicine.
WILL: Oh, no, I mean, I understand that. It's just that you, uh... you shamed him.
GRACE: Will, you can't shame dogs. They're not defendants on "Judge Judy."
WILL: Well, you pointed at him with the little Witchiepoo finger. You yelled at him in front of his friends.
GRACE: His friends?
WILL: Whatever. The point is, you just... you gotta relax and give him a chance to be who he is, you know. These are important years. He's gotta develop a sense of himself.
GRACE: Will, I'm not your mother. And I promise, if he's gay, I won't stand in his way.
WILL: [PUPPY TALK VOICE, TO PUPPY] You thirsty? You want some Evian? Come on, boy. Oh...
GRACE: I'm gonna go take a shower. Oh, I meant to tell you, I enrolled him in doggie day-care.
WILL: Whoa, whoa. What day-care?
GRACE: The Yuppie Puppy.
WILL: The Yuppie Puppy?
GRACE: Day care for the urban professional's dog.
WILL: You know these people? I don't know these people. I don't want a stranger raising my dog. Didn't you see that thing on "Dateline" when that woman was hitting the dog on the snout with a squeaky lamb chop?
GRACE: Will, that was not Yuppie Puppy, and it wasn't "Dateline." It was "Animals do the Darndest Things."
WILL: I'm sorry, but I think it's best that you stay home tomorrow and take care of him.
GRACE: [FOLDING ARMS, JEANNIE-STYLE] Doink! Ok, master. I will be home anyway because I'm having the sofa in my bottle reupholstered. Get over yourself! I'm working, too!
WILL: Fine, Sarcasmo. I'll take him to work tomorrow, and you can take him the day after that.
GRACE: Fine. I'll walk him in the morning.
WILL: I'll walk him after work.
GRACE: And I'm gonna want him every other weekend and all the Jewish holidays.
SCENE V: Will's Office
(WILL sitting at his desk with his client, HARLIN.)
WILL: Harlin, I would strongly advocate cash funding in lieu of a stock swap. [TO PUPPY, PUPPY-TALK VOICE] Yes! That liver is nummy, isn't it? It's nummy! [TO HARLIN, NORMAL VOICE] Because the P.E. ratio really points out the inflated value of the company, don't you think?
HARLIN: I don't know, Will. "Nummy" seems a little strong. I think I'd go with "tasty-wasty."
WILL: [TO PUPPY, PUPPY-TALK VOICE] You want some water, Boy? Glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub! [TO HARLIN, NORMAL VOICE] It's funny, I never thought of myself as a dog person.
HARLIN: That's right... You people like the cats.
WILL: And by "you people," you mean...
HARLIN: Lawyers, of course. Why don't I just take that prospectus with me on the plane?
WILL: Got it right here.
[WILL goes to hand HARLIN the folder and "water" splashes all over his suit.]
WILL: I am so sorry. Mergers make him really nervous. Don't be mad.
HARLIN: Well, I'm not mad, Will. I'm just a little pissed...
SCENE VI: Grace's Office
(GRACE and KAREN present. KAREN sets down the phone.)
KAREN: Grace, the bitch we hate is on line one.
GRACE: [PICKING UP PHONE] Hi! Yes! The fabric just came in, and it is absolutely gorgeous. Yes, I...I know it's taken forever, but that is the price you pay for imported silk damask. That and $2,000 a yard. Ha ha ha! [BEAT] No, you're right. That's not funny. [BEAT] Um, no, but the great thing is that we have enough for the chair, the ottoman, and the settee, So we can get started right away and... [TO PUPPY, WHO IS PULLING THE FABRIC] Bad! Bad! Bad! [TO PHONE] No! No, no, no! I wasn't talking about you. I--I--I was talking about... My assistant. [TO KAREN] Bad! Bad! Horrible! Horrible! [TO PHONE] Excuse me, Can you just...Hold on a second. Thank you. [PUTS PHONE ON HOLD, TO PUPPY] Ok, baby. Baby... Let go, sweetie. No. This is... This is not a game. Ok, let go! Let go! Let go! Ok. [GRACE IS DRAGGED INTO THE SWATCH ROOM.]
KAREN [Picking up phone]: Hi, honey. This is Karen, Grace's assistant. Listen, rumor has it silk damask is out. Yeah, uh-huh...
SCENE VII: Will's Apartment
(WILL playing with PUPPY, as GRACE enters from her bedroom.)
WILL: [TO PUPPY, PUPPY-TALK VOICE] Mm mm mm mm! Who do I love? Who do I love so much I wanna drop-kick, hmm? Who-who-who?
WILL: [TO GRACE] Hi. [TO PUPPY, PUPPY-TALK VOICE] May I bite your snoots? May I bite your snoots from loves?
GRACE: Please stop pluralizing everything.
WILL: But he's so cutes!
GRACE: Look at mes. I can't believe you are still playing with the puppy. You've been home for 3 hours, and you haven't moved.
WILL: So what?
GRACE: So, it's a little obsessive.
WILL: No, it's not.
GRACE: Oh, really? On the cab ride home, I noticed you had puppy breath.
WILL: He made the first move.
GRACE: You and I are going out tonight.
WILL: How can we go out?
[JACK ENTERS WITH KAREN]
JACK: Ok, guys, we're here. Get out.
WILL: What are you two doing here?
WILL: We're the baby-sitters. ["VALLEY GIRL" VOICE] Uh, Mr. Truman, I hope you don't mind, but I, like, brought my girlfriend Valerie here so we can make out.
GRACE: You and I are going to a movie. I asked Jack to baby-sit the puppy. And, Karen, what are you doing here?
KAREN: Oh, Jack asked me. It was either this or my neighborhood watch meeting. And if I have to hear Marlo Thomas one more time: [WHINING VOICE] "Phil recycles this. Phil recycles that..."
WILL: Oh, yeah. I feel good about this, leaving our puppy with Cruella De Vil. [BEAT] And Karen.
GRACE: Will, we need this. We haven't gone out in a week. We're, like, a hundred cans of peas and some racist literature away from being survivalists. I'm going to get my coat.
JACK: Ok, so what are we calling him now?
WILL: I'm still not sure. I like "Otto."
JACK: Oh, a fat dog. [POKING WILL] Like father, like son.
WILL: What would you suggest, Jack?
JACK: Oh, I don't know. I was thinking something more along the lines of..."Jack."
WILL: Hmmm... Let me think. "Jack, quit licking that man's face." See? He'd never know who I was talking to.
JACK: [SARCASTIC] Ohh! My side! Ohh!
GRACE: All right, let's go. I wanna stop by the A.T.M. for 100 bucks so I can get Goobers.
WILL: You know, Grace, you go alone. I think it's best I stay here.
KAREN: No, honey, go. Go on. Have a good time. We'll take good care of your place.
JACK: [IMITATING WICKED WITCH] And your little dog, too!
GRACE: He's kidding, ok? Come on, let's go. Will? [PATTING KNEES] Come on! Come on, baby! Come on, boy!
JACK: [THROWING A TOY BONE TOWARDS THE DOOR] Here. Fetch, Will.
WILL: Ok, ok, fine, but I'm taking my cell phone. You call if you need anything. The vet's number's on the fridge. Oh, play him some music. He likes R.E.M... But the early stuff. You know, nothing after he shaved his head.
[WILL and GRACE exit.]
JACK: Did they say feed him now or later?
KAREN: Forget the pooch. Where's the hooch?!
SCENE VIII: The Movie Theatre
(WILL and GRACE are watching a movie.)
WILL: I noticed you bought the cheap kibble. What's with that?
GRACE: Will, this is supposed to be our night out. Can we just watch the movie, please?
WILL: Fine. Fine. You told them where the Snausages were, right? Oh, they'll find them. They'll find them. I left some in every drawer just in case. [IMITATING COMMERCIAL] Snausages.
CUTE GUY: [ENTERING, TO WILL] Uh, is this seat taken?
WILL: No. Knock yourself out.
CUTE GUY: [TO WILL] Hey, hi. Remember? We met at Jon Kinnally's party.
WILL: Oh, yeah. I remember. [IMMEDIATELY TO GRACE] Jack knows how to use the retractable leash, Doesn't he?
GRACE [SOTTO]: Hello, Father Will? Cute and interested, nine o'clock!
SCENE IX: Will's Apartment
(JACK is playing with PUPPY, KAREN is sorting clothes into a bag.)
JACK: Do the hustle! [HUMMING "The Hustle"] Hey, look, Karen. We're at Studio 54. [SING-SONG] "Hi Liza, Hi Misha, and look, now there's Bianca." Whoo!
KAREN: Ah! Honey, I am so glad I took it upon myself to thin out Grace's closet. I just could not let her go on thinking she could pull off yellow. [JACK SHAKES HIS HEAD] Oh, Grace... a skort?! Oh, Rosario, this is your lucky day. [SPILLS HER DRINK ON THE FLOOR] Ohh! Oops! Here, puppy! Here, puppy! [PUPPY LAPS UP DRINK] Pace yourself, Cujo.
JACK: What time is it? Oh, my god. It's 11:00. Where's his leash?
KAREN: What? Why? What's going on? What's happening? What are you telling me?
JACK: It's last call. This is when all the hotties take their dogs out for a final poop 'n' cruise.
KAREN: All right. I guess I'll head home. Time to pay for that house in the Bahamas.
JACK: All right, Pup, it's showtime. And focus. Uncle Jack needs a new pair of shoes. Preferably with a 6-foot gorgeous hunk of man in 'em.
SCENE X: Will's Apartment
(WILL and GRACE arrive. The apartment is empty.)
WILL: Hello! Jack?! Kar-- [TO GRACE] I knew we shouldn't have left him with those two. It's like letting The Von Bulows baby-sit.
GRACE: They're probably out walking him. I cannot believe you could not sit through a 90-minute movie.
WILL: Forgive me for caring about the dog.
GRACE: Are you implying that I don't care about the dog?
WILL: You treat him like he's a--
GRACE: Dog?! He is a dog, not the Lindbergh baby.
WILL: I know he's a-- [PICKS UP DOG TOY] Oh, my god. He left his chewie boot.
WILL: This is his transition object.
GRACE: Wow! You are obsessed.
WILL: No, I'm not.
GRACE: Give me your wallet.
GRACE: Give me your wallet.
WILL: What's that gonna prove? [HANDING GRACE HIS WALLET]
GRACE: You are carrying around a picture of your dog in your wallet. You weirdo!
[JACK ENTERS, WITH THE PUPPY.]
JACK: I... [SING-SONG] love this dog! [NORMAL VOICE] We totally bonded. We just sat there together in the park. He checked out butts. I checked out butts.
WILL: Where have you been? You better not have taken this dog to Boylesque.
GRACE: Because, God forbid he see a half-naked man, given that he is a completely naked dog!
JACK: Ok, let's take a dysfunction reading in the room, shall we? [LICKS INDEX FINGER AND HOLDS IT UP] Oh, yeah. The wind's a-blowin'. George, Martha, we'll be in the kitchen eating the free food. Let us know when it's intermission.
WILL: I'll be joining you.
GRACE: Oh, of course, so you can obsessively monitor every milligram that he eats.
WILL: I think you've got me confused with your mother.
GRACE: I would be very careful about opening the mom-bashing door. I've got a lot of bullets in my belt.
JACK: [AS THE PUPPY] Please stop the fighting! I simply can't take the fighting. [NORMAL VOICE, TO PUPPY] Oh, it's not your fault, little one. Sometimes bad people happen to good dogs.
GRACE: [TO WILL] You know what I think this is?
WILL: Yeah, I do. I think you think that I...It's about me wanting a kid or something Sally Jessy Stupid like that.
GRACE: You need to go out on a date.
GRACE: You need to be giving all this love and affection to something that's, I don't know, paper-trained? Go on a date, Will. It's time. I mean, you already have your pickup line: [IMITATING WILL'S PUPPY-TALK VOICE] "May I bite your snoots from loves?" [NORMAL VOICE] I mean, men were all over you at the park. A cutie sat right next to you in the movie theater, and all you're interested in are liver snaps.
WILL: [IMITATING COMMERCIAL] Snausages.
GRACE: Whatever. Same food group. You don't need another reason not to be open--
WILL: Ok, ok, ok. Message received. Even if that is true--
GRACE: It is.
WILL: Even if it is--
GRACE: It is.
WILL: Boy, you're tough. We still have a bigger problem.
GRACE: I know.
WILL: I can't take him to work every day.
GRACE: Well, what about going back to my idea of doggie day-care?
WILL: No, no. I can't. I just can't do that to a puppy. It's not fair.
GRACE: Well, then, what are you suggesting?
WILL: He deserves to be with someone who can spend tons and tons of time with him.
GRACE: Well, who do we know that has that much time on his hands?
[Both WILL and GRACE look at JACK with the PUPPY]
JACK: [TO PUPPY] You know, I'm not very fond of blonds, but you are fabulous.