Original Airdate 1/5/99
Written by Tracy Poust and Jon Kinnally
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Gary Grubbs (Harlin Polk)
Corinne Bohrer (Judy)
T.F. Sullivan (Thomas)
Robert Curtis Brown ("Will" actor)
Jensen Daggett ("Grace" actor)
Titus Napoleon (Roger Waka-lana-huki)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
(WILL drags GRACE, wrapped in an electric blanket, into the living room.)
GRACE: What are you doing? It's freezing!
WILL: Come on.
GRACE: My God, it looks like I'm hiding push-pins in my T-shirt.
WILL: Come on.
[GRACE is yanked back by the cord attached to her blanket. Will unplugs it.]
WILL: [INTO CORD END, LIKE A MICROPHONE] Ladies and gentleman, Grace: Unplugged.
GRACE: I would have laughed if I were warm...and that was funny.
WILL: Come on. Stand on the vent.
[GRACE stands on the vent, wrapped in her blanket. WILL stands with his feet on the vent.]
GRACE: Oh my god. Just when I'd given up hope, heat. I'm in heat. [SITTING DOWN ON THE VENT, MOANING] Ohh....
WILL: Keep it up, Grace. You're this far from pay-per-view.
GRACE: How did you do it?
WILL: I bribed the super to fix the heating vent. His English isn't so great, but I think the deal is one of us has to sleep with him.
GRACE: I'll do it. As long as it's on top of this vent.
WILL: Hey, hey, don't bogart the warm. Come on. I need to thaw my feet. Oh, yeah. That's the stuff. Give it to me, baby. Keep it coming. Feel the heat!
GRACE: Would you two like to be alone?
MAN [VOICE OVER, THROUGH VENT]: You taste good.
GRACE: [TO WILL] Excuse me?
WILL: Shh. Listen.
WOMAN [VOICE OVER, THROUGH VENT]: That was amazing.
MAN [VOICE OVER, THROUGH VENT]: God, with the candlelight on your face, you're beautiful.
WOMAN [VOICE OVER, THROUGH VENT]: You make me feel beautiful.
GRACE: Oh, man... even disembodied voices are getting more action than I am.
WILL: That's sweet.
GRACE: I can't help but take it personally.
WOMAN [VOICE OVER, THROUGH VENT]: Mmmm.
GRACE: Oh, she "mmms." See, now she's just throwing it in my face.
WOMAN [VOICE OVER, THROUGH VENT]: Oh, my god, It's almost 1:00. Dennis. Dennis, stop! My husband's going to be home any minute.
WILL and GRACE: [BOTH WHISPERING] Husband?!
[WILL and GRACE drop to the floor, with their ears to the vent.]
SCENE II: Will's Apartment
(GRACE is laying on a pillow at the vent.)
WOMAN [VOICE OVER, THROUGH VENT]: I can't live like this anymore.
GRACE: Well, he can't either.
MAN [VOICE OVER, THROUGH VENT]: Well, I can't either.
GRACE: Huh, see?
[WILL ENTERS, HOME FROM WORK.]
WILL: Careful, girlie, you're going to end up with waffle face. This is pathetic, Grace. What, you come home early just to catch "Days of Our Vent?"
GRACE: No. I thought I would cook shepherd's pie.
WILL: Pray tell, Julia Child, what's in shepherd's pie?
GRACE: Um... Shepherds? ... Sheep? ... Pie?
WILL: Sounds like a crock of sheep to me.
GRACE: Who cares about shepherd's pie? The poor husband slaves away 18 hours a day, while she carries on an affair every day this week. Except Wednesday.
WILL: Which ironically is hump day.
GRACE: Ugh! Ugh. Oh, you should hear her with the boyfriend. She does this whole "of-ten" and "wh-ere" thing. And with her husband, it's "often" and "where." She's gross. You know, I think the husband is totally onto her.
WOMAN [VOICE OVER, THROUGH VENT]: I told you I'm not seeing anyone.
GRACE: Oh, Uwe is such a liar! How could she lie like that?
WILL: I don't know. Why don't you ask her up for some shepherd's pie and ask her? Wait a minute, her name is "Uwe?"
GRACE: No. It's just that they're always walking out of the room when he says her name, so all I get is "Uwe."
[JACK ENTERS, CARRYING A FOLDER, WEARING EYE-GLASSES.]
JACK: What do you think of my glasses? What do they say?
WILL: They say, "Guys don't make passes at girls who wear glasses."
JACK: [POINTING AT WILL] And guys don't make passes at guys with fat asses. I think they make me look smart.
WILL: Jack, it's the intellectual equivalent of stuffing a sock in your pants.
JACK: [SINGING, TO DAVID BOWIE'S "MONEY"] Funny, funny, funny, funny. Funny! [NORMAL VOICE, TO GRACE WHO IS STILL SITTING BY THE VENT] Grace, what are you doing?
GRACE: I'm listening to the couple downstairs.
JACK: Fine, don't tell me. I'm ready for you to read my play.
GRACE: Wait. Whoa. What play? You're a writer now?
JACK: Sarcasm noted and quickly forgotten. Buh-bye. For your information, I've been taking a playwriting class at the Learning Annex.
WILL: Ahh, that explains the scathing "fat ass" retort.
JACK: Ok, you know what? Let's just forget it, and, uh, have dinner, and you'll read it after I leave.
JACK: Yeah, Will invited me to dinner. You were there, Grace, don't you remember? We discussed you making your famous moist-free chicken [PRETENDING TO CHOKE].
GRACE: Ooh. Oh, no. Oh, that's right. Jack, I am so sor--
WOMAN [VOICE OVER, THROUGH VENT]: No!
GRACE: Oh, my God, did you hear that "no?" Evil, thy name is Uwe.
WILL: I forgot, too. I'm sorry.
JACK: [SIGHS] Apology accepted. Ok, promise me you'll both read this, ok? I need notes prontinto. I'm having a staged reading Tuesday, and I'm kind of a little anxious about it.
WILL: [TOGETHER WITH GRACE] Tuesday. No problem.
GRACE: [TOGETHER WITH WILL] All right. Whatever.
JACK: You want to try that one more time with feeling?
WILL: [SAME AS ABOVE] Tuesday. No problem.
GRACE: [SAME AS ABOVE] All right. Whatever.
JACK: [SARCASTIC] Great. That's the kind of enthusiasm I'm looking for. [TO WILL] And, Will, don't forget we're on for Lady Bunny and her All-Boy Review on Friday. Don't blow me off.
WILL: I won't.
JACK: You're going to think about blowing me off. Do not blow me off.
WILL: I won't.
JACK: It's Friday. Don't blow me off.
WILL: "Repetitious and repetitious," said the New York Times.
JACK: Wow. You queens really do know theater. [JACK EXITS THE APARTMENT.]
SCENE III: Grace's Office
(KAREN is at her desk, on the phone to her maid, Rosario.)
KAREN: [ON THE PHONE] Rosario. Hi, honey, listen, I'm running a little late. [BEAT] Yeah, things are muy loco at the oficina. Mmm, listen, I'm gonna need you to feed the kids and read 'em something before bedtime. [BEAT] Well, I don't know, honey. Why don't you read them that book they love? "Green Eggs and I'm Hammered." [BEAT] No, Rosario, now why would I want to speak to them? What? Just-- ¡Hola! [HANGS UP.]
[JACK ENTERS, CARRYING A COPY OF HIS PLAY.]
JACK: [POINTING] Outfit?
KAREN: I know.
JACK: I'm freaking out about my play.
KAREN: Honey, come here. I don't produce theater. I am theater!
JACK: Please, Karen, I need your help. You were so instrumental in the success of my one-man show Just Jack. Remember how nervous I was before Just Jack, but you were there to support me and coach me and make me Just Jack.
KAREN: Just shut up. All right, criminy, let me see the material. [READING] "Love Among the Coconuts: a Caribbean Fantasy"? I don't know, honey. Sounds like a dessert that repeats.
JACK: Tomorrow, I'm casting the role of Plantain, a magnificently-built island man who wears nothing but pooka shells and a palm frond.
KAREN: I'll pick you up.
[KAREN PICKS UP THE PLAY AND BEGINS READING.]
SCENE IV: Will's Apartment
(GRACE is in her pajamas, asleep face-down on the vent. WILL enters.)
WILL: [SHOUTING] Grace!
GRACE: [STARTLED AWAKE] Oh, um, I'm just... leaving for work.
WILL: It's 6:00, crazy.
GRACE: Oh, I'm late.
WILL: So now you're skipping work altogether?
GRACE: I called in sick.
WILL: Called who? You're the boss.
GRACE: I know. It was a strange conversation. If I do it again, I'm gonna fire me.
WILL: [SCOFFS] Grace...
GRACE: Will, I had to. Uwe got into a huge fight with Thomas.
WILL: Who's Thomas?
[WILL GOES TO HIS ROOM TO GET LAUNDRY DETERGENT, WITH GRACE FOLLOWING]
GRACE: Her husband. Oh, it was so good! They quarrelled and he was like, "Where have you been?" And she's all, "I don't have to answer that." And he's like, "Oh, yes, you do." And then there was like 20 seconds of dead silence.
WILL: Wow, that sounds even better than "Real World Seattle." I don't want to have this conversation anymore.
GRACE: Oh, but wait a minute--
WILL: Enough. No. No more. This is wrong. Period. If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go down to the laundry room. [MOTIONING TO HIS SHIRT] Never gesture emphatically with a taco in your hand.
GRACE: Oliver Wendell Holmes?
WILL: Cesar Romero. [WILL EXITS WITH LAUNDRY DETERGENT.]
SCENE V: Will's Apartment
(GRACE is making popcorn. WILL quickly enters, wearing a tank-top T-Shirt.)
WILL: I just met Judy.
GRACE: Who's Judy?
WILL: Uwe is Judy.
GRACE: Judy is Uwe?
WILL: Yes, it's... it's truey. The guy she's having the affair with--
WILL: Yeah. Thomas' brother.
GRACE: [HITTING WILL] No!
WILL: Ow! Yes, yes, it's ugly, it's sordid. Move over, honey. I'm in.
[BOTH SCRAMBLE TO LAY DOWN IN FRONT OF THE VENT.]
SCENE VI: Will's Apartment
(GRACE is sitting at the vent when WILL enters.)
WILL: Ok, what did I miss?
GRACE: Oh, it's so tragic. Her husband is out there saving lives at a hospital while sluttina flits around the apartment in a satin robe having--
WILL: Whoa, whoa, slow down there, church lady. First of all, Thomas is a dermatologist. He's not saving lives, he's popping zits. And second, he's been checked out of that relationship for two years now. Trust me, she's gonna leave him for Dennis.
GRACE: Oh, that would be totally immoral. It would break the commandment about... um... coveting thy husband's brother's ass.
WILL: Wow. I break that one all the time.
JACK: [TO WILL] I can't believe you blew me off! Where the hell were you? I just spent three hours in the freezing cold outside a drag bar being harassed by a pair of Rosemary Clooneys.
WILL: Well, why didn't you go in?
JACK: Because you have the tickets!
WILL: Oh, sorry. Right here... [HANDS TICKETS TO JACK]
JACK: Oh, great. Thanks a lot. Lot of good this is gonna do me. Lady Bunny and her All-Male Review have already dewigged, deglossed, and departed.
GRACE: Shh, shh, shh, She's back. she's back.
JACK: Did you at least read my play?
WILL: I've been a little busy, Jack.
WOMAN [VOICE OVER, THROUGH VENT]: I can't take this anymore.
WILL: You tell him, Sweetheart.
JACK: Wait a minute. This is your busy?
WILL: Trust me, Jack, it's oddly riveting.
JACK: Grace, what about you? Did you read it?
JACK: Oh, I see. I guess maintaining the 13 shades of red in your hair keeps you so busy, you don't have any time for recreational reading.
GRACE: Jack, there is a marriage breaking up down there. It's kind of important.
JACK: Uh, yello, and I'm not?!
WILL: Believe me, you'll gain a little perspective next week when you're, I don't know, studying to be a wet nurse and your script is lining the bottom of Guapo's birdcage.
JACK: [GASPING] You...oh! I can't-- What... Did you... Oh! [JACK EXITS, SLAMMING DOOR.]
SCENE VII: The Learning Annex Classroom
(JACK is coaching ROGER, a large island native actor.)
JACK: Ok, ok, that wasn't bad. Um, I'm--I'm not sure if playing coy would be the way to go. But good job. Let's start-- [KAREN ENTERS; TO ROGER] Oh, excuse me. [TO KAREN] Finally, my God, you're here. I'm a wreck. I can't get this scene to work, and it's very important.
KAREN: Yeah, well, I had something important, too. I just had a facial at Yolanda's.
JACK: I'm sorry. Yolanda's. I didn't know.
KAREN: [SEEING ROGER] Oh! Oh, lord. Is that one person?
JACK: [NODDING] He's auditioning for the part of Plantain.
KAREN: Well, I thought you wanted an island native, not an island.
JACK: He's the only guy that showed up for the audition, and I didn't have the heart to tell him he didn't get the part. Actually, I didn't have the guts to tell him.
KAREN: All right. I'll take care of it. [TO ROGER] Hi. Listen... Um... Oh. honey, I think you got a little barbecue sauce just ... there. [POINTING TOWARDS THE SIDE OF HIS MOUTH] Yeah. There ya go. Got it. Gotta remember to wear a bib when you're eating those dinosaur legs. Ha ha ha ha! Oh... [POINTING TO HIS OUTFIT] I love this. But, you know, uh, we feel that the character is coming off too, uh... Jewish.
[ROGER THROWS THE PLAY DOWN ONTO THE STAGE AND STORMS OUT.]
KAREN: But thanks for coming down. Watch the support beam, honey...
JACK: You know, we actually ran it a couple times. He wasn't bad. I mean, if you closed your eyes, he kind of had a Lou Diamond Phillips quality. But it just wasn't working out. I don't know. Maybe it was the actor.
KAREN: Jack, sit down. Listen. I, um, I finished reading your skittle on the treadmill this morning. And, uh, you got some bigger problems than your friend King Thong out there.
JACK: What are you talking about?
KAREN: Your play stinks.
JACK: It does?! Which pages?
KAREN: Uh, the ones with words on 'em. [READING FROM PLAY] "Come to me, Tonga, and let us make lup-lup on my houseboat." [TO JACK] No, honey, it's not good.
JACK: Karen, it's a Caribbean fantasy.
KAREN: It's a Caribbean nightmare! [SCOFFS]
JACK: Well, what am I going to do?
KAREN: Write about what's important to you. Relationships, your family, your friends.
JACK: I'll take Painful Things for 500!
KAREN: Exactly, honey, yes! And when viewed in that light, why, your life is an embarrassment of riches.
JACK: Thanks, Karen. I knew you'd make me feel better.
SCENE VIII: Will's apartment
(WILL is on the phone to GRACE.)
WILL: [ON THE PHONE] Oh. Grace, major development in the vent. She's cooking him lamb. Lamb, Grace. It's so clear. She's leaving him tonight. It's gonna get ugly.
GRACE: [ENTERING THE APARTMENT, CARRYING A CELL-PHONE] It's gonna get good!
WILL: Yeah! We need ice cream. W-what flavor of ice cream goes with the destruction of a loveless marriage?
GRACE: Rocky road. [NOTICES JACK'S PLAY ON THE CHAIR] No, no, no, no, no! [TO WILL] We have Jack's play tonight. We have to leave in less than 15 minutes.
WILL: That's right. He's a writer this week.
GRACE: What are we gonna do?
WILL: I wonder if she started cooking the lamb yet.
GRACE: [SMELLING THE VENT] About 20 minutes in.
WILL: How do you do that?
GRACE: It's a gift.
WILL: Ok. Now, they're gonna have to start with some wine. Right? He'll have one glass, she'll have 12. If she plans this right, she'll announce that she's leaving him right after the entrée and then use dessert to lift his depression.
GRACE: So, wait, that gives us, what, an hour and a half? So, we can make an appearance at Jack's play and be back in time for the tearful breakup sex.
WILL: Life is good.
[WILL AND GRACE EXIT THE APARTMENT.]
SCENE IX: The Learning Annex Classroom
(The room is filled with people. JACK is on stage. GRACE and WILL enter.)
WILL: [Imitating Washington from "Welcome Back Kotter] Where's Mr. Kotter?
GRACE: Wow. I haven't been in a classroom like this since Jimmy Johnson and I-- You know what? I'm not even gonna finish that sentence. I'm just gonna have a happy party in my head.
JACK: Ok, everybody, chop chop, in your seats. We're about to begin. Ok? [THE AUDIENCE SITS DOWN] And lights. Hello. My name-- [TO WOMAN IN AUDIENCE] Uh, excuse me. You in the cap shirt. Yeah, I'm--I'm sorry, but when the hand goes up, the mouth goes shut. Ok? You're a button. Ok. [TO AUDIENCE] Anyway, my name Is Jack McFarland. And tonight, I will be showcasing scenes from my new play, "Untitled Jack McFarland Fall Project Entitled Jack: A Meditation in 3 Parts."
WILL: I guess "There's Something About Mary" was already taken.
JACK: We open at a funeral. [THE CURTAIN BEGINS TO OPEN, YELLING BACKSTAGE] Not yet! [JACK SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY TO BACKSTAGE.]
JACK: [NARRATING TO AUDIENCE] Jack is dead. The victim of a wayward city bus. As we begin, his friends arrive to mourn his sudden passing. [TO BACKSTAGE] Now!
[THE CURTAIN OPENS. Two actors who look a lot like WILL and GRACE are on stage. JACK moves off to the left stage, where he mouths the lines with the ACTORS.]
GRACE: Come on, Will, let's go. We've been here 5 minutes. [THEY GET UP TO LEAVE]
"GRACE" ACTOR: Come on, Will, let's go. We've been here 5 minutes.
[WILL AND GRACE STOP.]
"WILL" ACTOR: Want to go?
"GRACE" ACTOR: Yeah, we paid our respects. Besides, our soaps are on.
"WILL" ACTOR: And I'd rather spend time with imaginary people I don't even know than this sweet, dead man who devoted his life to us.
WILL: [SOTTO, TO GRACE] You know, I only read the first few pages, but something tells me this isn't leading to the scene where 5 Laotian houseboys face the pain of adolescence.
"WILL" ACTOR: So, you want to play cards?
"GRACE" ACTOR: I don't care. Whatever.
"WILL" ACTOR: Ok. 5-card stud. Jacks or better to open. Jack... [SOBBING] I miss him so.
"GRACE" ACTOR: Oh, it's no use. Everything we do just reminds us of Jack.
"WILL" ACTOR: If only we'd known this while he was still alive, we would have appreciated him more.
WILL: [SOTTO, TO GRACE] You know, the staging isn't much, but the, uh, the subtlety of his language...
"GRACE" ACTOR: Oh, if only there was something that we could do to be with him again.
"WILL" ACTOR: Well, there is one thing [PULLS A SMALL BOTTLE OUT OF HIS JACKET.]
"GRACE" ACTOR: You're right!
"WILL" ACTOR: We're coming, Jack!
["GRACE" ACTOR TAKES BIG DRINK FROM BOTTLE.]
"WILL" ACTOR: Come on, don't bogart the poison [HE DRINKS THE POISON].
[BOTH ACTORS CLUTCH THEIR THROATS, GASPING, AND FALL "DEAD" ON THEIR CHAIRS.]
GRACE: [SOTTO, TO WILL] What did you do to Jack to make him so mad at you?!
WILL: [SOTTO, TO GRACE] Excuse me. I'm not drinking alone up there.
JACK: [ON STAGE] Lights. [NARRATING] We are now in the afterlife...
[JACK EXITS TO STAGE LEFT. KAREN ENTERS THE STAGE FROM BACK.]
KAREN: [ON STAGE] All right, stand back, no pushing. Don't crowd the Pearly Gates. We can only let a few of you people in. [TO VARIOUS AUDIENCE MEMBERS] All right, you, you, and you. You in the acid-washed jeans, you're gonna have to wait...a while. Oh, and honey, did you really think you could get into Heaven wearing body glitter? Well, you can't. No. Sorry.
"GRACE" ACTOR: [TO KAREN] Excuse me.
"GRACE" ACTOR: Grace Adler and Will Truman.
KAREN: Hmm, you're not on the list.
"WILL" ACTOR: Say, is Jack here? Can we speak to Jack?
KAREN: Oh, well, he's here, honey, but he's way too busy. I mean, he is huge in heaven. Let me check the other list. Oh, yeah, Adler and Truman. Right on the top. Wow. Ok, you two are downstairs... Where there's lots of vents pushing up a lot of heat, ok. Enjoy your journey... to hell! Ha ha ha ha!
JACK: [TO THE AUDIENCE] Cut, print, Tony. I mean curtain. [APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE] Thank you all for coming. Thank you.
WILL: Oh, my God. What did we do?
GRACE: I think it's more what we didn't do.
WILL: We've gotta talk to him.
GRACE: Yeah, 'cause if this thing's goin' to Broadway...
JACK: [TO AUDIENCE, LEAVING] Ok. Take care, guys. Kisses.
JACK: [TO AUDIENCE] You guys are all going to the cast party, right? Yeah, I heard Pacino's gonna be there. I--I don't know if that's true or not.
GRACE: [TO JACK] We're sorry.
JACK: Yeah, well.
WILL: No, I feel terrible. I mean, we didn't pay attention--
JACK: Words, words, words...
WILL: Jack! What can we do? What's it gonna take to... get us out of hell?
[JACK TURNS AROUND, RAISING AN EYEBROW.]
SCENE X: Will's Bedroom
(JACK is trying on suit jackets. WILL is holding a mirror and GRACE is brushing the lint.)
JACK: Yeah, you know, of all the jackets you've given me tonight, I think, yeah, this one's the best. Just needs to be taken in a little...around the waist...and the hips. Pretty much everywhere, so...
SCENE XI: Thomas and Judy's Apartment
(THOMAS and JUDY are standing on chairs, listening to the vent in their ceiling.)
THOMAS: I still feel kind of funny about listening to them, but in a weird way, it makes me feel better about us.
JUDY: Yeah, I mean, whatever problems you and I have, at least I'm not married to a gay guy.
[THOMAS and JUDY step down from the chairs.]
JACK [VOICE OVER, THROUGH VENT]: Missy, I'm gonna need a water back for this chicken. Chop chop.