Original Airdate 11/30/98
Written by Dava Savel
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Ivar Brogger (Mr. Hutt)
SCENE I : Will's Office
(WILL is on the phone.)
WILL (TO PHONE): Rethink it, Barry, or these conversations are going to start getting ugly. (HANGING UP PHONE AS GRACE ENTERS WITH A BAG.) Hey, sweetie! Ah, you brought lunch. Yay! Love the outfit. Very Audrey Hepburn.
GRACE: Great. So you're saying I have the neck of a swan and the chest of a 12-year-old boy.
WILL: Hey! Way to snatch an insult out of the jaws of a compliment.
GRACE: It's a gift.
WILL: What's for lunch?
GRACE: Ah, let's see... tuna, a side of coleslaw for you, and turkey on wheat for me, with a side of... what's this? (PULLS A PAPER OUT OF THE BAG) Oh, my god. "A fabulous investment opportunity." That's some deli.
WILL: Wait a minute. What is it?
GRACE: The owner of my building is selling off space. I have the chance to buy my studio. By the end of the year, I'd be paying less on the mortgage than I'm paying in rent now.
WILL: Sweetie, that's great. Grace Adler: property owner.
GRACE: I know! And i don't even have to be the thimble or the top hat or that weird shoe.
WILL: Uh, why don't we get to the part where you start begging for free legal services?
GRACE: After I remind you that I have a photo of you in dolphin shorts and slouch socks.
WILL: Ok, quit begging.
SCENE II: Grace's Office
(GRACE and KAREN at their desks.)
GRACE: God, buying this place could be so exciting. Just think. These could be my cracked walls. My creaky floors. My cramped bathroom with the nonspecific rodent excrement in my soap dish.
KAREN: Oh, honey, feces... no, no.
WILL (IN ENGLISH ACCENT): Hello, luv. You didn't tell me the owner of this building was English. I shall find it impossible to conduct this transaction without impersonating Rex Harrison. (TOUCHES GRACE'S NOSE) You naughty, naughty.
GRACE: Ok, what did he say?
WILL: He said, um, (ENGLISH ACCENT) "Bangers and mash. Mutton chops, Salisburys, Piccadilly."
GRACE: If you don't stop, I'm going to flip my eyelids up.
WILL: Ok. Seems like a decent deal. I think the price is still a little inflated, but I think we can get him to his floor.
GRACE: His what?
WILL: His floor. His lowest possible price. Sweetie, stop worrying. This...is gonna happen.
WILL: Let's celebrate at Pablo's Cantina?
GRACE: Oh, no. No Mexican. Fajita hair. It frizzes when the steaming chicken hits the table.
KAREN: Honey, does it ever unfrizz? I mean...
GRACE: Yeah. When you do work.
KAREN: Oh, ha ha ha, honey.
GRACE: Oh, oh, I got it. Let's try that new German place on Third, The Hofbrau.
WILL (IN GERMAN ACCENT): Oh, no. No German. I can't handle the schnitzel with my pupik in the--
GRACE: Ok, enough with the accents. You know I hate the accents.
WILL (IN FRENCH ACCENT): But of course. (NORMAL VOICE AS GRACE REACHES FOR HER EYELIDS) Ok, ok, ok, let's go.
(JACK enters, imitating a cheerleader.)
JACK: Big news! Hit it! B-I-G N-E-W-S. Big...news!
KAREN: Well, I guess we know it's not you coming out of the closet.
JACK: Correct. I finally found my life's calling, and it involves these two hands.
WILL: Ah. So you're going to be self-employed.
JACK: Insert laugh...here. I'm going to be a massage therapist. It was an obvious choice, being that I am a people person. (OFF WILL AND GRACE'S LOOK) I love people... as long as they're not hairy... or smelly... or have the dreaded bacne, ugh. Ok, I need some guinea pigs. Who's interested?
GRACE: Hairy. (WILL and GRACE exit to lunch.)
JACK: Well, thank you, friends.
KAREN: Bacne? Oh, who am I kidding? It's alabaster from my neck to my ass. I just don't want to do it.
JACK (SINGING): You are so beautiful to me...
KAREN: Jack, I don't need a masseur.
JACK: Come on, Karen, I need 100 hours to get certified. Besides, I'm very attuned to the contours of the female form.
KAREN: Yeah, just because you had a Growing Up Skipper doll, doesn't mean you're ready for the real thing.
JACK (SINGING): You are so beautiful to me...
KAREN: You know, I'm not even that crazy about massages in the first place, honey.
JACK (SINGING): Can't you see-ee-ee-ee ...
KAREN: Oh, all right, all right. Come over to my place. We'll do it on the lunch hour. Anytime between 12:00 and 4:00 is fine.
SCENE III: Will's Apartment
(WILL is browsing through his CDs as GRACE enters.)
WILL: So I'm pruning my CD collection, and something has to go. What's it gonna be -- Bananarama or the soundtrack to "Footloose?"
GRACE: When was the last time you listened to them?
WILL: 30 minutes after I got them.
GRACE: Toss 'em both.
GRACE: Are you ready to be... in the presence of greatness?
WILL: Tell me.
GRACE: I just got my landlord to the floor.
WILL: You slut.
GRACE: After you left, Mr. Hutt came up to tell me that there was another buyer ready to put an offer on my studio. MY studio. But, did I sweat? No, I leapt into action.
WILL: Wait a minute. You didn't sign anything?
GRACE: Damn right I did, after I gave him a bid. And he bit. I got him to knock off 5%. Suck-er!
WILL: Grace! 5% is not the floor. That's like the tchotchke on the coffee table on the throw rug on the floor. Why didn't you call me?
GRACE: He said he tried to call you, but that you didn't return his calls--
WILL: Grace. He never called me. I was in my office all day.
GRACE: He lied to me? But that's so... dishonest.
WILL: I know. To think, in New York City, that someone could actually try to shaft you in business-- It's...shocking. People can... can be such meanies.
GRACE: Oh, my god. I hate myself. Wait a minute. Why go there? It's negative. I hate him. I hate the British... With those--those bony hands and that... Princess Anne with her horse teeth. Lose the Boy George CDs!
WILL: Hey! Hey, do not take this out on The Boy. He gave us a month and a half of some very good music. I think I can fix this thing with your landlord, but it might get a little ugly.
GRACE: You play hardball, baby. Throw 'em low and inside. He's crowding the plate, and we've gotta go for--
WILL: Grace. Sports-- You're losing me.
SCENE IV: Karen's Penthouse
(KAREN is in her bathrobe on the couch. JACK is setting up his table.)
JACK: Ok. This is just gonna take me a minute. In the meantime, why don't you take some deep, cleansing breaths and try to relax? (KICKING THE TABLE, YELLING) Damn it! Piece of crap! (TO KAREN, CALMLY) I'm sending you love and light.
KAREN: Yeah. Love and light. Got it...
(JACK struggles to set up his table.)
KAREN: (SNIFFING HER ROBE) Hey. You know, I have told her about this. (DIALING PHONE) Rosario, por favor, honey, easy on the fabric softener, ok? No--no, honey. Enough-o with the April Fresh-o. (HANGING UP PHONE, TO JACK) You know, right now she's calling me a "beetch-o."
(JACK turns on his tape of mood music.)
JACK: All right. I guess we're ready. Ahem. (READING FROM AN INDEX CARD) "Hello. Welcome. My name is Jack McFarland, and I will be your massage therapist." (TO KAREN) Now, I want you to take off your robe, and I don't want you to feel uncomfortable. The sheet will drape you, so--
KAREN: Yeah, I've done this before, honey. (THROWING OFF ROBE) Skin to the wind. (LIES ON TABLE.)
JACK: Wow, Karen! You could bounce a quarter off that thing. Ok... (READING FROM CARD) "Are there any specific areas that are troubling you?"
KAREN: Yeah. My marriage.
JACK: I mean your body, Karen.
KAREN: Oh. Well, I don't know. I guess my lower back is a little tight.
JACK: Ah, yes. (READING FROM CARD) "Lower back pain. That means you're holding on to something."
KAREN: Yeah. My patience. Can we just start it so we can end it? And, hey, be sure to keep your hands off of my--Ah! Ahh!
SCENE V: Grace's Office
(WILL and GRACE present, waiting for MR. HUTT.)
GRACE: So how are we gonna deal with this?
WILL: Just gonna do a little business. Let me do the talking. You're just the strong, silent type, with an angry look. (OFF GRACE'S FACE) Angry, not constipated. Just be the strong, silent type.
HUTT: Mr. Truman.
WILL: Mr. Hutt, appreciate your coming. You know Grace?
HUTT: I do indeed know Ms. Adler.
WILL: How well?
HUTT: She's been my tenant for--
WILL: I don't think you know Grace at all.
HUTT: Pardon me?
WILL: You don't know her, pal. Because if you did, you'd know this woman knows absolutely nothing about business.
HUTT: Mr. Truman, your client is a perfectly competent--
WILL: Competent? Ha-Hah! Did you say competent? Look at her. Does she look particularly business-minded to you? Does this hair say, "I went to the Harvard Business School"?
WILL: She's a designer. Ha. A designer. You know what's up here? Pretty pillows, floor lamps, maybe a couple of chenille throws and th-th-that's all, folks. Not a whole lot of room left for numbers... Which is why she caved in at 5%, and, you, Mr. Hutt, took advantage of that.
HUTT: I thought the price was fair.
WILL: Fair? (ENGLISH ACCENT) Fair? (TO GRACE, NORMAL VOICE) Did you hear that, Grace? Apparently the British have a different definition for the word "fair." (TO HUTT) You know, the way "lift" means elevator or "fag" means cigarette.
HUTT: Mr. Tru--
WILL: No, no. I want to know more about what you think is fair. First of all, there was no other buyer, was there? And you and I both know you never tried to get me on the phone. So unless you want me to place a little call to the head of the real estate board, otherwise known as "my friend Beth," and let her know the way you did business with this naive, vulnerable, clueless artiste, then I'm gonna need a little bit more compensation. Do I make myself clear?
HUTT: Perfectly. Perhaps... this price would be a bit more agreeable to you. (CHANGING PRICE ON CONTRACT.)
WILL: Now, THAT is a floor.
HUTT: I'll have my office draw up the new papers, and I'll bring them by tomorrow. May I leave?
WILL: Please. (MR. HUTT EXITS THE OFFICE.) Oh, do I love doing that.
WILL: You were great, baby! You know, that Hausfrau place. That was good. You want to go back there?
GRACE: Ja. I'm sure you're starving... after all the digs and the jabs. Boy, you must have really just worked up an appetite.
WILL: Oh, it's just business.
GRACE: Oh, it is good business. I mean, boy! You didn't even have to search for those insults. Just--blblbp! Pop! Right out the mouth, didn't they?
GRACE: Will, I'm impressed! I mean, the way you just cut right to the heart. I mean, rip! Bull's-eye! You got me! You got all of me! I mean, the hair, empty head. I mean, I'm just surprised you didn't go after my big feet. I mean, that would've knocked off--what, another 20 bucks?
WILL: I don't believe you. Come on, Grace. That was a ruse to get him to lower the price. A gambit. (FRENCH ACCENT) A canard.
GRACE: So--so what you're saying is that you didn't mean any of it?
WILL: Where is this coming from?
GRACE: You don't think I'm a good businesswoman.
WILL: Oh, Grace.
GRACE: Say it. Say "Grace, you're a good businesswoman." I want to hear you say the words.
WILL: Come on, Grace, let's--
GRACE: Say it. If you believe it, you should have no trouble saying it. Do you think I'm a good businesswoman?
WILL: That is such a loaded... I mean... It's hard to say. Is--is a person a--a...
GRACE: I didn't think so.
SCENE VI: Karen's Penthouse
(KAREN is waiting in her robe. JACK enters.)
KAREN: Mmm... I've been waiting for those hands all day.
JACK: Karen, you're wearing me out. When am I gonna have time to study the parts of the body? So far, I only know phalanges, and that's just 'cause I like saying phalanges.
KAREN: Honey, I don't want to hear it. Just do what you do and do it to my deltoids. (CRAWLING ONTO MASSAGE TABLE) This mama's like a rock.
(Same scene, a while later. JACK is sitting in a chair. KAREN is putting on her robe.)
KAREN: 3:00 tomorrow. (THROWS MONEY ONTO JACK'S LAP.) And I don't want you massaging anyone else. You belong to me now.
SCENE VII: Grace's Office
(GRACE is working as WILL enters.)
WILL: Don't hate me.
GRACE: Don't talk to me.
WILL: I have to talk to you.
GRACE: I have to hate you.
WILL: How long are you gonna stay mad at me? I was just doing what you asked me to do. Did I or did I not get you the lowest possible price? You're still hating me.
GRACE: You're still talking to me.
(There's a knock at the door.)
WILL: Ok. That's him. Now, just sign the papers and hate me at a more appropriate time, like when I shave with your Epilady.
(WILL lets MR. HUTT in.)
HUTT: Let's get right down to business, shall we? Here is the new purchase price agreement that we've agreed upon, correct?
HUTT: Now, if I can just get a signature... (GRACE HESITATES.)
WILL: It's ok, Grace. You can sign.
GRACE: (PUTS DOWN PEN.) No.
HUTT: I beg your pardon?
GRACE: I'm not signing anything.
WILL: Grace, please sign it.
GRACE: See, this was supposed to be easy and fun. You know, like the TV Guide crossword puzzle. I mean, who are they kidding? "Close Encounter of the 'blank' Kind?" But this hasn't been easy... or fun... and I'm... I just--I just don't feel good about it anymore.
WILL: Grace, time to take off your exposed nerve hat and put on your business bonnet.
GRACE: You know what? I'm sorry. I can't just turn it on and off like you. If you prick me, I bleed, and right now, I am bleeding because of a particularly unforgivable prick!
HUTT: Maybe I should come back another time.
GRACE: Why don't you do that?
HUTT: Oh, I can't come back another time. I'm leaving for London in the morning. I need this signed.
WILL: And she'll sign it. Grace...
GRACE: You know what the funny part is? (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) There is no funny part. My life is so unfunny, Mr. Hutt, it's not even... funny. I mean, what am I doing taking on a mortgage? I mean, m-my life is already a mess. I'm still renting an apartment, I don't have a driver's license, I'm not married, I live with a gay guy...
GRACE: I haven't had sex in five months! And I was in Bloomingdale's this morning waiting on line to buy wrinkle cream, and this Jennifer-Love-Michelle-Sarah-Felicity-looking thing...bumps into me and says, "Excuse me...Ma'am." (SOBBING.)
WILL: Grace. Gracie, it is not worth it. Don't buy the place if it's gonna make you feel like this.
GRACE: (SOBBING) Do I look like a ma'am?
HUTT: Miss Adler, I'm so sorry. I had no idea.
GRACE: No, Mr. Hutt. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you had to see me like this.
HUTT: Miss Adler... about this contract?
GRACE: No. No. I--I can't right now. I can't.
WILL: Grace, you're making...
HUTT: Miss Adler, it's not much, but... perhaps I could lower the price a bit more. Think about it. All right?
(MR. HUTT exits and GRACE immediately stops cyring and sits up.)
GRACE: Now look at me and tell me I'm not a good businesswoman.
(WILL is stunned as GRACE grabs the pen and signs the contract.)
SCENE VIII: Karen's Penthouse
(KAREN is in her robe, lighting candles. JACK enters.)
KAREN: Oh, you're early. I haven't even had time for a steam and scrub. Well, I guess you'll just have to...touch me dirty. Blow. (JACK BLOWS OUT FLAME.) Where's your table?
JACK: I didn't bring it.
KAREN: What do you mean you didn't bring it?
JACK: I'm tired of being just a pair of hands to you, Karen.
KAREN: Oh, but you're so much more than that, Jack. Why, you're... elbows and forearms and thumbs and wrists and--
JACK: Stop it! It's over!
KAREN: Over?! Who do you think you are? It's not over until I say it is! I'm paying you good money. What, you want to go back to serving shrimp puffs at museum fund-raisers? Huh. I didn't think so. So I'm goin' in there to take off my clothes, and when I come back, we're just gonna do it.
JACK: No! Karen, I can't do it anymore. Every day I come in here and I touch your naked body. We don't talk, there's no emotion. I'm acting like a straight guy, and it's making me sick. I took an oath in front of God and my mother, "I'm here, I'm queer, get used to it."
SCENE IX: Will's Apartment
(WILL and GRACE are playing a Monopoly-like board game.)
(GRACE rolls the dice.)
WILL: Oh. Oh. What do I see? Is that a 5? Allow me. (MOVING GAME PIECE) Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! That'll be $1,700, please.
GRACE: I have a pink 5.
WILL: Ohh... I guess, then, you'll have to mortgage that little tenement on skid row. Sucks for you. Stick to Candyland, girlie.
GRACE: What is it with you? Why is it every time money and property are involved you turn into a--
WILL: Skillful, savvy negotiator?
GRACE: Mine only had four letters in it, but yeah.
WILL: That's the way I have to do it. I mean, let's face it, I'm not the kind of guy that hammers out a contract on the 18th hole or closes a deal over brewskis at Billy's Topless.
GRACE: First of all, who closes a deal at Billy's Topless except maybe Billy? And--and second of all, don't tell me that you're gonna pull out the gay card.
WILL: It is a lot harder for a gay man--
GRACE: Because if you're pulling out the gay card, I'm pulling out the girl card, and we both know that the girl card trumps the gay card.
WILL: Don't make me get my friend Joannie over here, because we both know that the only card that trumps the girl card is the gay girl card.
GRACE: Ok. I'm not losing this. I will call Jill, my African-American, bi-curious, dyslexic... Forget it. I'm exhausted. I fold.
WILL: That's a good move, because I happen to know a differently-abled transsexual with split ends, and that beats the house, missie.