Original Airdate 11/16/98
Written by Jhoni Marchinko
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Steve Paymer (Steve)
Eric Gustavson (Sebastian)
Julian McMahon (Guy)
Roy Fegan (Auditor)
Todd Eckert (Jurgen Franzblau)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
(GRACE is cooking in the wok as WILL enters from his bedroom.)
WILL: You're making wok food? It's 8 a.m. What are we having, Hunan cream of wheat?
GRACE: [HALFHEARTED LAUGH] Heh...
WILL: What was that?
GRACE: It was a laugh.
[GRACE STEPS OUT OF THE KITCHEN. SHE'S STILL WEARING HER PAJAMA BOTTOMS.]
WILL: Hmm...pajama pants and an Armani jacket. Kind of going for a Frances Farmer thing?
GRACE: Oh, yeah, I must've forgotten to put my skirt on. Want some bok choy?
WILL: You're depressed.
GRACE: No, I'm not.
WILL: Well, I must be really happy. What's going on with you?
GRACE: Yesterday I saw the most perfect man. Banana Republic face, lots of corduroy, walking a springer spaniel. And guess what?
WILL: The dog got a case of naughty snout?
GRACE: Eww. No. Will, I felt nothing. I have--I have no romantic drive. I can't even imagine feeling the urge. Fantasy's gone.
WILL: Not even one of the Baldwin brothers?
WILL: Not Alec?
WILL: Not Billy?
WILL: Not Stephen?
GRACE: None of them!
WILL: What about all 4 together?
GRACE: Will, we're talking about me.
WILL: Oh, yeah.
JACK: [ENTERING] I hope you got some breakfast bars, 'cause I'm in a rush.
WILL: Let me guess, you've got a whole day of nothing ahead of you.
JACK: You know, anger doesn't really go with what you're wearing. But then again, not much does. I'm on my way to the gym, and I'm feeling a little peckish.
GRACE: [TO JACK] Bok choy?
JACK: Oh. Bok choy. [BOWS] Grace, what's with the get-up? You look like an insane housewife from one of the square states.
GRACE: I haven't really been feeling very--
JACK: Uh-huh. Will, can you do something about this? [JACK HANDS WILL AN ENVELOPE.]
WILL: A letter from the IRS? [OPENING THE ENVELOPE] A red letter from the IRS? How many of these have you got?
JACK: Who knows? It's like every week with those guys. Haven't they gotten it by now that I don't pay my taxes? What are they, rejection junkies? Isn't there a number on there you can call to get me off the list?
WILL: Jack, this isn't an offer for Levelor blinds. This is the government.
JACK: Don't stress me out, Will. I got 30 minutes of squats ahead of me, and that's where my concentration has to go.
WILL: Listen to me. Come to my office at lunch. Bring your receipts, pay stubs, 1099s--
JACK: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow. Pay stubs? receipts? That's too much. A 10 what? I can't possibly remember all of that.
GRACE: 10...99. Bo Derek, Barbara Feldon.
JACK: See? Why can't the government do that? I hate Uncle Sam. I'm so over older men.
SCENE II: GRACE'S OFFICE
(GRACE is at her desk eating a Dove Bar as KAREN enters with shopping bags.)
KAREN: Oh, honey, I think I found something to make you feel better.
GRACE: Oh, Karen, you didn't have to buy me clothes.
KAREN: Oh, I didn't, honey. These are to cheer me up. Yeah, you been bringing me down, lady. No, honey, these are for you. [PULLS OUT A BOTTLE OF PILLS AND RATTLES THEM] Clang, clang, clang went the trolley--
KAREN: [SINGING] Ding, ding, ding went the bell. Zing, zing, zing went--
GRACE: Karen! I don't take pills.
KAREN: Grace, these are vitamins. They're good for you.
GRACE: [READING THE BOTTLE] What vitamins are in Percodan?
KAREN: All right, so take 'em with a banana. Come on, Grace, you gotta do something. You're getting on my nerves.
GRACE: I just think it's easier to embrace it. Surrender to the gloom. [BEAT] Listen to me. I'm a bi-level haircut away from Lilith Fair.
KAREN: I am not gonna listen to this. All right, we are gonna get you on the phone with some of those dorks that used to follow you around before you met Danny and get you out on a date.
GRACE: That is my whole problem. I'm not interested in going out on a date.
KAREN: Grace, desperate times call for desperate measures. It's time to get your head out of the dumps and your legs in the air.
GRACE: Ok, why not? [SPINS THE ROLODEX AND PULLS OUT A CARD] Ohh... Xander Freeman. Oh, gosh, he was so sweet.
KAREN: Well, there you go. Call him.
GRACE: I think I will. He was so nice. He liked my perfume and my shampoo. He was a sniffer. Is that weird? I'm just gonna call him. Will you call him for me? Or maybe I'll seem stupid. No, make me seem official. Or maybe I'll seem snobby. No, it'll be cool. No, it'll be stupid.
KAREN: Give me the card, Hamletta. [GRABS THE CARD AND DIALS THE PHONE; TO GRACE] Honey, we talked about this blouse. [INTO PHONE] Oh, hello. Xander Freeman, please. Yes, hello, Xander. I have Grace Adler calling. Oh. Ohh, yes. She's just as beautiful as ever. [BEAT] Oh. Oh, that's very sweet. Good-bye. [HANGS UP PHONE] He's gotten fat. [KAREN RIPS UP THE ROLODEX CARD.]
GRACE: What?! What?! What did you just do?
KAREN: Honey, he had the "ho ho ho" chortle, which basically says "I'm a fatty now." Come on, honey, don't give up the ghost. [HANDING GRACE THE ROLODEX] Come on, spin again.
SCENE III: Will's Office
(WILL is sitting at his desk with JACK discussing JACK's taxes.)
JACK: Now, if I'm gonna do this, I want to earmark where my tax dollars are being spent. AIDS research and... better uniforms for the Army-- I don't know, something with shorts.
WILL: Do you have any idea how the government works?
JACK: I do know I get a little funny in the tummy around the Washington Monument. Come on, Will, lots of people don't pay their taxes.
WILL: Yeah, they're called criminals.
JACK: Can we talk about something else? [JACK BEGINS DOING HANDSTANDS ON THE CHAIR.]
WILL: Jack... You haven't paid your taxes for... ever! Let me paint a picture of how it's gonna go. Nadia. [WILL PUSHES JACK DOWN.]
JACK: [DISMOUNTING] 10-point-0!
WILL: First of all, they'll give you a payment plan, which you won't follow. Then they'll garnish your wages, which you don't have. Then they'll take away everything you own... which would be your gym membership. Then... finally, they will put you in jail.
JACK: No, no, no. They can't put me in jail, 'cause since I never started paying my taxes, I can continue not paying them. I saw that on television.
WILL: On what? The Delusional Channel? Jack, Al Capone murdered half of Chicago. Do you know what they put him away for? One single count of tax evasion. Do you understand what I'm saying?
JACK: What time is it? There's a cardio fun class I want to take. Magnis is teaching.
WILL: Jack... I called the IRS. They're sending an agent Friday.
JACK: A person? Like, in person? Isn't there any other alternative?
WILL: There's Canada. But you can only wear short shorts 2 months of the year.
SCENE IV: Will's Apartment
(WILL is watching TV and talking on the phone.)
WILL: [INTO PHONE] Yeah, I know, mom. I'm watching it right now. No, trust me, it is not a good way to meet men. Because gay men don't ballroom dance. Oh, yeah, I see them. Well, not the men I want. Oh, I gotta go now. The mambo competition is starting. Yeah, I love you, too. [HANGS UP PHONE]
GRACE: [ENTERING] Hi.
GRACE: What are you watching?
WILL: National Ballroom Competition. They're so tacky, but in that magnificent way. I don't know where to put my emotions. How was your date?
GRACE: It sucked.
WILL: Gonna need a little more.
GRACE: It was fine. It was nothing. It was beige. He was beige. I was beige. The food was beige. It was beige.
WILL: Did you give him a little sugar?
WILL: Did you give him a little nectar?
WILL: A little fructose?
GRACE: No! Nothing happened. After dinner, he walked me to the subway. He was talking, I was tuning in and out, and I started doing that thing where you close one eye and he was standing in front of the bench. And I closed the other eye, and he was standing next to the bench. In front of the bench, next to the bench, in front of the bench, next to the bench. He probably thought I was flirting with him.
WILL: Yeah. He probably thought you had a neurological disorder.
GRACE: I don't know. I must have a bug in my romance software.
WILL: Oooh. Cha-cha time. Shall we?
[WILL turns up the cha-cha music on the TV. They begin sychronized cha-cha dancing.]
GRACE: [WHILE DANCING] I'm a freak.
WILL: [WHILE DANCING] You're not a freak. Cha-cha-cha.
GRACE: [WHILE DANCING] What am I gonna do?
WILL: [WHILE DANCING] Dip and pivot.
GRACE: [WHILE DANCING] I just don't get it. Before Danny, I used to date all the time. I was a real dating machine. I loved men. What's so different in my life now that I don't like men? It doesn't make any sense at all. [GRACE STOPS DANCING; WILL KEEPS GOING.]
[WILL FINALLY NOTICES THAT GRACE HAS STOPPED DANCING.]
WILL: What? Do you want to lead?
GRACE: No, it's you. This is too much fun. I'm having too much fun.
GRACE: It's...it's you. You're the reason it isn't working. You're the reason I'm not interested in men.
SCENE V: Will's Apartment
(GRACE is pounding on WILL's bedroom door.)
GRACE: Will? Will, open up. I have to talk to you. Will!
WILL: [OPENING THE DOOR] Grace, what are you doing? What time is it?
GRACE: I figured out what needs to be done. You and I have to start seeing less of each other.
WILL: Ok. Let's start now. [SLAMS THE DOOR.]
GRACE: No. No, Will, open up. Come on, I'm not done. [WILL OPENS THE DOOR] Ok, come on. Come on, let's go down to the sofa. [GRACE DRAGS WILL INTO THE LIVING ROOM]
WILL: Please don't tell me you're still blaming me for your crappy love life. Can't you just blame your parents like everybody else?
GRACE: I am putting a moratorium on us, because if I'm having fun with you, there is no room in my life to be having fun with someone else.
WILL: Who is this person you want to have fun with?
GRACE: The other person I could be having fun with if I weren't having fun with you.
WILL: I'm not having fun. Are you having fun?
WILL: Then I guess we've achieved our goal.
GRACE: Will, look, we have to think of ourselves more as just roommates. We can't do everything together. Oh, my God, Look at me! I'm following you into the kitchen. This is exactly what I'm talking about. We can't do everything together. Like food, like meals. We do too much food together.
WILL: What if we're home and we're both hungry?
GRACE: See? Why are we always hungry at the same time? We're too close. I mean, we wash our delicates together. That is just weird.
WILL: No, Grace. No, what's weird is that... I have delicates. You want some coffee?
GRACE: Yes. [BEAT] No! No coffee. Oh, you're dangerous.
WILL: So let me get this straight. If you eat breakfast alone, you'll get the urge to date?
GRACE: Yes. Look, Will, I have to make room in my life for romance. Let's just do this, at least for a couple of weeks.
WILL: I think you're wrong.
GRACE: I think I'm right.
WILL: I'd like to go on record as saying I think this is ridiculous!
GRACE: Note taken.
WILL: Any more rules?
GRACE: One. It starts immediately.
[WILL sits on the couch drinking his coffee while watching GRACE getting a bowl of cereal.]
WILL: Feeling horny yet?
SCENE VI: Will's Office
(WILL at his desk with the IRS AUDITOR. JACK is sitting in a chair by the door.)
AUDITOR: [TO WILL] I'm not convinced. I don't consider that a reasonable deduction.
[JACK SOBS AND WHIMPERS.]
WILL: Jack, everything ok over there?
JACK: [WHISPERING] I'm fine.
AUDITOR: How do you substantiate the $2,000 for magazine subscriptions?
WILL: Oh, that's research for when he was employed as a fact finder.
AUDITOR: [CLEARS THROAT] "Guy World"?
JACK: Oh, Peter, Paul, and Mary, I'm going down!
WILL: [TO AUDITOR] Um... Will you excuse us just for a minute?
AUDITOR: Please make it quick. [THE AUDITOR EXITS.]
WILL: [TO JACK] Pull yourself together.
JACK: I can't handle this. I'm freaking out! Oh, God, this is worse than when I was caught shoplifting at Lane Bryant.
WILL: You have to calm down. We need to act professional.
JACK: I can't go to jail, Will. I'll never pull off the jumpsuit. I have no waist.
WILL: If you don't just--
JACK: No, d-don't let them take me, Will. I still have a novella to write. I've never met Barbara Eden. My life is just beginning. [WILL SLAPS JACK ACROSS THE FACE.]
WILL: I'm sorry for that "Knots Landing" moment. Believe me, it was necessary.
JACK: You're allotted one of those in your lifetime. You just cashed in. All right, bring that son of a bitch back in here. Let's wrap this thing up.
[WILL OPENS THE DOOR, LETTING THE AUDITOR BACK INSIDE.]
WILL: We're, uh, we're ready.
AUDITOR: I gave you a couple of the other deductions. I think we're done. Here's the figure you owe. [HE HANDS JACK A PIECE OF PAPER.]
JACK: Ok, uh... Now, I'd be more comfortable with this-- [JACK BEGINS TO WRITE ON THE PAPER]
WILL: Jack, we're not buying a car! [TO AUDITOR] This is fine. Thank you.
AUDITOR: I left you some forms about possible payment plans. Good day.
[THE AUDITOR LEAVES.]
JACK: What am I gonna do? I can't come up with $2,000!
WILL: Jack, relax. There are 3 things in this world you can count on. Death, taxes, and... me. [WILL GIVES JACK A KISS ON THE CHEEK.]
JACK: Thanks, Will. Just so we're clear...
WILL: I'm paying it.
SCENE VII: A Restaurant
(GRACE is on a date with SEBASTIAN.)
SEBASTIAN: So I went to culinary school for three years. I just always loved to cook. Five sisters. And it turned out great because while I was making Sunday dinner, they were out mowing the lawn. I'm really glad we got back in touch, Grace.
GRACE'S VOICE: In front of the bar... Next to the bar... In front of the bar...
SCENE VIII: Will's Apartment
(WILL, KAREN, JACK, JURGEN, and STEVE are playing poker.)
KAREN: All right, boys, my deal. The name of the game is 7-card stud. Deuces and one-eyed jacks wild, low spade in the hole splits the pot, and don't forget to tip your dealer. [KAREN DEALS THE CARDS.]
WILL: Here's a tip. Cards are dealt down.
KAREN: Not in this game.
WILL: It's 7-card stud. The first 2 cards are dealt down.
KAREN: Well, not in my version, boss-man.
WILL: It's stud po-- All right, look, you called low spade in the hole. If all the cards are up, where's the hole?
KAREN: I'm lookin' at him. Oh, all right, blah blah blah! You deal.
WILL: All right. New deck. The game is follow the queen.
KAREN: I don't know where to turn.
JACK: [TO WILL] Ok, follow the queen. How do you know which cards are wild again?
WILL: They follow the queen. Wow, it's like playing cards with tweedledum and tweedle...diva.
KAREN: My, my, somebody's boxer briefs are in a twist.
JACK: Oh, my god, Karen, you have no idea how hard it is for Will. [IMITATING A "VALLEY GIRL"] I mean, poof, Grace changes the rules, and they're not stuck at the hip anymore. I mean, it's so hard.
WILL: You want to go to jail?
JACK: No. Sorry. Love you, kisses.
WILL: Ok, Karen, it's to you.
KAREN: Hmm... I'll check.
JACK: Ok, ladies, papa needs a new pair of flip-flops. [NUDGES STEVE, SMILING.]
STEVE: [TO JACK] Could you move over? You're a little close.
JACK: [TO STEVE] News flash. You can't catch it.
GRACE: [ENTERING] Hey, everybody! A little poky going on? Karen, what are you doing here?
KAREN: Jack invited me, but more importantly, what are you doing here? You were on a date, honey. You should have a tongue in your ear right now.
GRACE: Yeah. He was a great guy. But guess what, Will? I felt nothing. Isn't that great? It wasn't you. You had nothing to do with it. It's me. I'm dead on the inside.
WILL: That's terrific. Karen, it's up to you.
KAREN: Oh! Honey, you sound just like Stan in bed.
GRACE: So can I get in?
WILL: Oh, no, I don't think so, 'cause, you know, that would fall under the fun category, and aren't we still in the midst of a fun embargo?
GRACE: No, didn't you hear what I said? Embargo lifted.
WILL: No, I...I'd love to let you play, roomie, but, uh, this is for your own good.
WILL: Grace... No.
[GRACE SULKS INTO HER BEDROOM.]
JACK: This week, Joey teaches Blossom a valuable lesson about tough love.
SCENE IX: Will's Apartment
(Everyone has left. As WILL cleans up, GRACE waves a pair of white shorts on a stick from her bedroom door.)
GRACE: I'm waving the white delicate. Can we be friends again?
WILL: I don't know. I made a lot of money tonight. I was gonna buy myself a new one.
GRACE: Ask me about my date.
WILL: How was your date?
GRACE: Don't ask. He was handsome... sensual... talented.... And not even a flutter. It's just weird.
WILL: Grace, you're way too hard on yourself. So you're in a low sex drive phase right now. Everybody gets there once in a while. Except Jack. And he should be studied.
GRACE: It doesn't feel like a phase.
WILL: It feels like you're trying to force something, Grace. And you can't. It'll happen when it happens. That's the way I'm dealing with it.
GRACE and WILL: [TOUCHING FINGERS] Nnn.
WILL: Are we back in fun mode?
WILL: Good. Agent Grace, here's your assignment. [WILL GIVES HER SOME MONEY] Go out and rent the video Point Break. We'll do a Keanu Reeves, high-fat ice cream combo pack.
GRACE: Mmm. Keanu in rubber and chocolate chocolate chip. Now, that's a lot of sugar.
WILL: Oh, and, uh, Gracie, the next time you're gonna offer me a truce, wave your own white delicates.
GRACE: Yours are prettier.
[GRACE EXITS THE APARTMENT AND ENTERS THE ELEVATOR. GUY IS ALREADY INSIDE.]
GUY: Have you ever noticed the "4" never lights up?
GUY: The 4... never lights up.
GRACE: Really? [GRACE PRESSES THE "4" BUTTON] Look at that. You're right.
GUY: Of course, now we're gonna stop at 4.
GRACE: Oops. Sorry.
GUY: Look at the bright side. We get to spend another 15 seconds with each other.
GRACE: [BUMPING INTO ALL OF THE BUTTONS] Oops. [SMILES AT GUY.]