Original Airdate 10/5/98
Written by David Kohan & Max Mutchnick
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Gary Grubbs (Harlin Polk)
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
(GRACE in her bathroom shaving her legs. WILL in his bathroom shaving. Cheryl Lynn's "Got To Be Real" is playing loudly on his radio.)
WILL: [SINGING ALONG] What you find now...
[CUT TO GRACE'S BATHROOM]
GRACE: Will! [GRACE POUNDS ON THE WALL]
[CUT TO WILL'S BATHROOM]
WILL: [SINGING] What you feel now. What you know, to be real..
[CUT TO GRACE'S BATHROOM]
GRACE: Will! [POUNDS ON THE WALL]
[CUT TO WILL'S BATHROOM]
WILL: [SINGING] Aah, your love's for real. Aah, your love is my love, my love is--
[GRACE enters WILL's bathroom and turns off WILL's music.]
GRACE: I have a problem.
WILL: Sweetie, I was right in the middle of busting a move.
GRACE: Could you come with me for a second?
WILL: But I-- [GRACE pulls him to her bathroom.]
GRACE: Try busting a move in here, sweetie. Come on, shake it, Puff Daddy.
WILL: Ok, Grace, Take it easy.
GRACE: I can't handle this anymore. I mean, look at the size of this place. My hair doesn't even fit in here. Open that cabinet.
WILL: I'd rather go for what's behind the curtain. I'm afraid that's going to be a zonk. Can't you smile a little bit? [THE MEDICINE CABINET OPENS AND JUNK FALLS EVERYWHERE] Ok, point taken. I promise after work, we'll come up with a good solution. Ok?
GRACE: Thank you.
WILL: What are the double "D" batteries for?
GRACE: Oh, it's, uh, for my water pik.
WILL: You don't have a water pik.
GRACE: Let's just say I do.
SCENE II: Will's Office
(WILL is at his desk. JACK enters.)
JACK: [THROUGH THE OPEN DOOR, TO WILL'S SECRETARY] No, no, no, that's fine. He knows me. I don't need an appointment. He's happy to see me. No, no, don't buzz him. Thanks, you're my new best friend. Call me every 10 minutes. [CLOSES DOOR; THEN TO WILL] What a biatch.
WILL: Jack, she's just doing her job. I think that's the first time I used the words "Jack" and "job" in the same sentence without "needs to get a" in between. Speaking of which, how goes the employment search?
JACK: [DRAGGING A PENCIL ACROSS HIS NOSE] Take me to lunch.
WILL: Have you even decided what it is you want to do?
JACK: Still not sure, but I do know that I want the font on my résumé to be Helvetica.
WILL: I wonder how "chorus girl" will look in Helvetica. Come back Thursday. We'll do your résumé together.
JACK: Come on, Take me to lunch.
WILL: I can't. I've got to finish marking up this contract and then I want to get Grace some cool shelves or something for her bathroom. She hates it.
JACK: Of course she hates it. It's too small for her. It's too small for Malibu Barbie. Will, why don't you just share your bathroom? Ha. My God, I think that's the first time I used "Will" and "share" in the same sentence without "doesn't know how to" in between.
WILL: What are you talking about?
JACK: Will, you've had one common problem in all your relationships. You.
WILL: Jack, I'm good at relationships.
JACK: Are you? Hmm, let's take a look at a little clip from when it was still the "Michael and Will Show"... Before it was canceled. "Will, can I change your throw pillows?" -- "No!" -- "Will, can I put my sweaters on your shelf?" -- "No!" -- "Will, can anyone live with a control freak nightmare like you?" I'm gonna say "no."
SCENE III: Will's Apartment
(GRACE is at the table. WILL enters.)
WILL: Are you ready for a bag full of happiness? And I am not talking about your stoner days. Ok. I got this stuff at Bed Bath and Beyond. And the crazy thing is it wasn't in bed or bath, I found it all in Beyond. Look, shelves.
GRACE: This is your solution to my space problem? You want to bring the walls in closer?
WILL: Ok, bad idea.
WILL: I can return it. I can return to the beyond.
GRACE: You want to hear my idea?
GRACE: It's very [SING-SONG] exciting.
WILL: Tell me.
GRACE: It's very [SING-SONG] different.
WILL: What is it?
GRACE: It's very [SING-SONG] big.
WILL: It's very [SING-SONG] annoying.
GRACE: All right, sit down. [GRACE PUSHES WILL INTO A CHAIR]
WILL: Miss Grace, you play so rough.
GRACE: I want to knock down the dividing wall between the two bathrooms and make one big beautiful bathroom.
GRACE: Look at this. This month East Coast Living, Metropolitan Home, both showing the one big bathroom. It's elegant, it's function with style. Hold on a second. I've getting overwhelmed by my own good taste. Whoo! Better. Decorating rush. What do you think?
GRACE: No? No to elegant? No to style? No to me? What?
WILL: I'm sorry. I just-
GRACE: It's too much for you. I knew it. I wasn't thinking. I was blinded by the faucets.
WILL: Grace, I--
GRACE: No, no, no, no, no. It wasn't a good idea. I should have known, I mean, Michael couldn't even get you to change shampoo.
WILL: Let's do it.
GRACE: Will, I wasn't saying that just to guilt you into something.
WILL: You're not. Saying no is a knee-jerk reaction and I have got to stop doing that.
WILL: No. See, I can't help myself. Yes, yes, yes. And besides, it's you. And this--this is a really cool idea.
GRACE: You don't even know, mister! Silver nickel under-counter sinks. Handmade faucets, multiple shower heads. There's even room for a chaise lounge. I'm thinking washable suede.
WILL: Uh, now you see, if you would have led with the washable suede, I wouldn't have thought twice.
GRACE: So I can start?
WILL: Do it, baby!
GRACE: This is very exciting!
WILL: Ok, Grace, slow down now. Just-- It's wrong to love a faucet this much.
GRACE: You're right. I don't want to fall too hard. They tend to run a little hot and cold.
WILL: Go back to the singing.
SCENE IV: Grace's Office
(GRACE carrying huge armload of supples. KAREN is reading a catalog.)
KAREN: Oh, honey, your skirt's hiking up.
[GRACE drops the stuff into the front room with a crash.]
GRACE: Hey, Kare?
KAREN: Yeah, honey.
GRACE: Just F.Y.I. The first 3 letters in "assistant" spell "ass," so please, get off yours.
KAREN: Honey, I was just trying to tell you your control tops were showing.
GRACE: Leave the skirt! Karen?
GRACE: Why do you want to work for me?
KAREN: Well, honey, because I adore you. And because I always worked before I married money. I joke. Of course I mean Stan. I joke. Of course I mean money. A-hahahahaha!
GRACE: Karen, I have a great deal of affection for you, but you need to be a better assistant. Put the catalog down. You have everything in it. Now come with me. I'm going to show you what I'm working on, ok? Now look at this. This is a rough draft of what I'd like the bathroom to look like. When I'm finished with this drawing, I'm going to need it copied and sent to a few people.
KAREN: You mean, like ... the ... contractor?
GRACE: Yes, yes, yes! That is exactly right! Oh, my god, I feel like the miracle worker. [PUTS KAREN'S HAND TO HER FACE AND NODS, IMITATING THE MIRACLE WORKER] Good, Karen, good!
KAREN: All right, honey, Reel it in. I get it. All right, now talk to me about this little doodle here.
GRACE: This doodle is called a blueprint.
KAREN: Well, whatever it is, honey, I love it. Who's it for?
GRACE: Me and Will.
KAREN: You and Will? Woman, are you insane?! You can't share a bathroom with the person you're living with. Honey, do you know where Stan's bathroom is? God, I don't even know where Stan's bathroom is.
GRACE: I'm not worried about it. Our relationship is special.
KAREN: Grace, I may never have had a "special" relationship with a man, but I have been married twice. And I can tell you, this is a mistake.
GRACE: Karen, Will and I want to do this. This is a big step for him. He's really open to it and I'm proud of him, and I'm proud of you for trying to be interested.
KAREN: Thank you. Hey, you know what? Tomorrow, I'm going to be in before 11:00.
GRACE: Baby steps.
KAREN: All right, 11:30.
SCENE V: Will's Apartment
(GRACE is on the couch. WILL enters.)
GRACE: Hi. Do you have floss in your bathroom? I'm out.
WILL: Sure. Grace, don't be shy. If you need floss...
[WILL EXITS TO HIS BATHROOM. WE HEAR GRACE:]
GRACE: Hi, Will.
[WILL TURNS AROUND AND GRACE IS STANDING IN HER BATHROOM. THERE IS A HUGE HOLE IN THE WALL BETWEEN THE TWO BATHROOMS.]
GRACE: Ha ha, huh? Huh? Uh-huh!
WILL: Oh, my God....
SCENE VI: Will's Bathroom
(GRACE is tweezing her eyebrows. WILL is getting ready to shave.)
WILL: Oh! Whole lot of tweezin' goin' on. What, are you clear cutting?
GRACE: Yes, Will, I tweeze. Get used to it. You're going to see me tweeze my eyebrows, and I'm going to see you tweeze the little hairs on the outside of your ear.
WILL: I don't have hairs on the outside of my--
[GRACE QUICKLY TWEEZES A HAIR FROM HIS EAR]
GRACE: Now you don't.
WILL: What the hell-- I don't even know what to say to that! [WILL TURNS AROUND TO LEAVE.]
GRACE: Hey, hey! Don't you need to get to the sink?
WILL: It can wait.
GRACE: No. Don't wait. Let's just do what we normally do.
[WILL TURNS ON HIS MUSIC: "Got To Be Real"]
WILL: [SINGING ALONG] What you find now! What you feel, whoo! What you know, whoo. To be real! [GRACE IS STARING AT WILL. WILL STOPS SINGING AND TURNS THE MUSIC OFF.] What? What's the problem?
GRACE: Problem? We're just like 50 men and a mirrored ball away from being a gay disco.
SCENE VII: Grace's Office
(KAREN is at her desk. GRACE enters wearing huge blue hat.)
KAREN: Oh, uh, Grace, sweetie, what's that? [POINTING TO THE HAT] That.
GRACE: It's a hat, Karen. I didn't have time to dry my hair.
KAREN: So, what are you saying, honey? It's going to stay on all day?
KAREN: Okay, you know what? I say we close. You're obviously in no condition to work.
GRACE: Stop! Karen, how about some coffee?
KAREN: Oh, no, I had some on the way in. Thanks. [BEAT] Oh, you want some. Oh, devil! Oh! I need an assistant. All right, where is it?
GRACE: Never mind. [SEES HERSELF IN THE MIRROR ABOVE THE COFFEE MACHINE] Oh, my God. I'm the cat in the hat. [TO KAREN] This bathroom is driving me crazy. No, actually, Will is driving me crazy. The bathroom is fine, and I've got a doodle that proves it.
KAREN: Uh, no, honey, it's a "blueprint." Yeah.
GRACE: You get a gold star. You know what? Will is going to get through this. I've just got to relax and ride it out. It's like the storm before the calm.
KAREN: Well, honey, you had to know this was going to happen. I mean, men hate change.
GRACE: Well, usually you can't lump Will in with other men. He's--
KAREN: Oh, honey, come on. Gay, straight, bi, Thai, they don't like change.
GRACE: What is that? An upper east side haiku?
KAREN: Grace, this is for his own good. You're not a guest in that place, you're a roommate. So start taking up some room. You hardly put a foot in the door. Honey, it's time to take off those pumps, put on those Espadrilles you're so fond of -- Which, by the way, aren't coming back ever -- Kick down that door and let him get used to the fact that you live there!
[KAREN SIGHS AND COLLAPSES INTO HER CHAIR.]
KAREN: God, that was exhausting. I am assisting my ass off.
SCENE VIII: Will's Office
(WILL is typing at his computer. JACK is present.)
WILL: Last job?
JACK: Physical therapist.
WILL: You ran the man-tan booth at Le Spa.
JACK: It involved a lot of lifting.
WILL: Oh, did I mention that Grace put all of our cereals into one big container?
JACK: Women-- Can't live with them... End of sentence.
WILL: I mean, that--that's just wrong, right?
JACK: Yeah. She should be caned. Back to Jack, right here. Um, I was a Broadway usher for 2 grueling performances of Les Mis.
WILL: What--what are you saying, it's me? I mean, There should be certain boundaries. At least with breakfast grains.
JACK: Will, are we talking about my resume or your problems?
WILL: I don't have any problems.
JACK: [INTO THE INTERCOM] Ellen, honey, could you bring in Will's denial file? I think we have a little something to add.
WILL: I am not in denial. Come on, Jack, I don't have all day. I'm meeting Harlin for drinks at my place, and I got a lot to get done. Next job.
JACK: All right, let's see, what have I done? What do I want to do? What is the essence of Jack? How does one put that into words?
WILL: [TYPING] Cater-waiter, cologne spritzer, Gap--
JACK: [HITTING THE KEYBOARD] Delete, delete, delete. Oh, this is so difficult. [INTO THE INTERCOM] Ellen, honey, could you bring in a couple of diet colas and some of those blue pills?
WILL: Jack, get away from my stuff and out of my space!
JACK: You know what? Hold that thought until I get Grace on the phone, because I think you meant to bark that at her.
WILL: No, Jack, that was meant for you. Grace and I are fine.
JACK: Yeah, [POP] ok. You and Grace are falling into the same patterns as all your relationships. You're a little time bomb ready to go off.
WILL: Jack, this is not about that. This is about being late to meet Harlin because you're wasting my time. It is about being galled at your level of presumptuousness. And finally, ladies and...ladies of the jury, this is about my total frustration over helping someone get a job whose main requirement is cute guys in the mail room!
JACK: And so ends a scene from "Mr. Bitch Goes to Washington" [TAKES A BOW].
SCENE IX: Will's Apartment
(GRACE is in the Kitchen getting ready for HARLIN. WILL enters.)
WILL: Hey. Sweetie, Harlin's going to be here any minute, so you should probably get dressed.
GRACE: I am dressed.
WILL: Uh, you're going to wear that?
GRACE: How about, "Grace, you look like crap?" That's much more concise.
WILL: No, you look fine. I just thought you'd want to meet my biggest client in something... more than underwear. Heh...
GRACE: This is a good dress, Grandpa, but I'll change if it means that much to you.
WILL: No. I mean yes. No, I do mean no. Don't change. You look-- You look beautiful. Ok. [SIGHS] What's this? [MOTIONING TO COFFEE TABLE.]
GRACE: What's what?
WILL: Well, I said get cheese. There's no cheese here.
GRACE: You see that stuff right there that looks and smells and tastes like cheese? That's cheese.
WILL: Well, yeah, but you can't just put out a few slices. I mean, you got to have a whole wedge.
GRACE: Really, Will? 'Cause I just read "Cheese for Dummies" cover to cover and they never mentioned the wedge.
WILL: You know what? I'm sorry. I just-- I'm a little anxious about Harlin coming here. That's--
WILL: Ok. [PICKING UP A PILLOW FROM THE COUCH] What's this?
GRACE: What now?
WILL: The pillows. I mean, I'm not really vibing on the whole "Benihana home collection" thing.
GRACE: That is gorgeous Chinese silk.
WILL: What's over here? We got a new lamp and--and little baby goat heads. [PICKING UP GOAT HEAD KNICK-KNACK.] What--what--what? When did you decide to redecorate?
GRACE: Will, I live here. And if you're having a problem with the bathroom, you should just say it now.
WILL: Let me say this. Then from now on, all pillows and food need to be cleared [YELLING] through me!
WILL: Ok, I don't-- I don't want to do this right now.
GRACE: No, we're talking about this.
WILL: Yeah, well, talk to the goat, because I'm not talking to you.
GRACE: Will, don't shut me off.
GRACE: Damn it, Will. I'm not Michael.
[A KNOCK ON THE DOOR. WILL SIGHS AND OPENS THE DOOR. HARLIN ENTERS, CARRYING FLOWERS.]
WILL: Harlin, Right on time. Come on in.
HARLIN: Beautiful place. Oh, you must be Grace. [HANDS FLOWERS TO GRACE] These are for you.
GRACE: Oh, that's-- that's very sweet, Harlin. Thank you. [MOTIONS FOR HARLIN TO SIT DOWN] Please. [TO WILL, RE: FLOWERS] Will, where do these go?
WILL: Anywhere you want.
GRACE: Yeah, right. [SHE THROWS FLOWERS ON KITCHEN COUNTER]
[WILL HANDS HARLIN A GLASS OF WINE]
HARLIN: Thanks. You know, I gotta tell you it's awful nice of you folks to ask me up. When I'm up here on business, I'm always in hotels.
[AWKWARD PAUSE... WILL AND GRACE ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH IGNORING EATH OTHER... AND HARLIN. WILL TOSSES THE CHINESE SILK PILLOW BEHIND THE COUCH.]
HARLIN: Yeah, I've stayed at the Hyatt. I've stayed at the Plaza. I used to stay at this place in Midtown till I saw that thing on "Dateline." Maria Shriver showed up with one of those blue lights. Turns out that 75% of the bed sheets were stained with-- Let's just say they were very unsanitary.
GRACE: It was very nice meeting you. Excuse me. [EXITS TO HER BATHROOM AND SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT.]
HARLIN: Will, are you sure you're gay? 'Cause this felt exactly like a night between me and the Mrs.
SCENE X: Will's Bathroom
(GRACE is taking a bubble bath. WILL enters.)
GRACE: Excuse me, I'm in here.
WILL: We need to talk.
GRACE: I'm taking a bath. [BEAT] Fine. Then I'll leave. Can I have a towel?
WILL: No. Gracie, I don't-- I don't know if this is going to work out.
GRACE: Fine. Are you done?
WILL: I feel bad about this, but I think-- maybe we need to rethink this living situation.
WILL: I'm not bailing. I just-- I have some issues I need to work through and obviously, I need to work through them alone.
GRACE: Bailing faster. Why don't you just jump out of the boat completely?
WILL: I'm rigid, I'm passive-aggressive, I'm controlling.
GRACE: News flash-- Will's controlling. Yeah, got that freshman year of college when you told me what electives to take. Funny, 13 years later, and I'm still here. So, if think I'm going to let you bail out now over a bathroom--
WILL: It's not the bathroom, Grace, it's me. I mean, you're my best friend. If I can't make this work with you, then what chance do I have of ever having another-- ever having another relationship?
GRACE: You--you are putting way too much pressure on this. How did we get from me having a place to plug in my hot rollers, to the demise of all your future relationships? When did you become such a drama queen?
WILL: I had--I had problems with Michael and clearly I'm repeating that pattern-- Did you just call me a queen?
GRACE: If the tiara fits.
WILL: I love you. I hate this bathroom, but I love you.
GRACE: Oh, honey, this whole bathroom thing is so over. That wall is going back up.
[WILL HANDS GRACE THE LOOFAH SPONGE.]
WILL: Or... Now, I'm no Grace Adler of designs, but, um, what if we just move the wall, like, 4 feet and then we'd have equal bathrooms?
GRACE: Look at you. Mr. Compromising. Mr. Not-So-Controlling. [GRACE PULLS ON WILL.]
WILL: Don't do that, jeez!
[GRACE PULLS WILL INTO THE TUB.]
WILL: Oh, my God! You're naked!